The Truths We Owe
by AnnBlackwater
Summary: An Anders/Hawke story set in Act II. Anders makes a potion to separate from Justice and there is a backlash. What does Hawke do? This is written in various perspectives. Please R&R!
1. The Truths Owed To Justice

I dedicate this story to my dear friend and loyal reader, Melissa or melgonzo (her username).

For Melissa - thank you for all your support through the months I have been writing, for all your heartfelt comments and the enjoyment shared between you and I over the various characters of Dragon Age II.

An Anders/Hawke story, set in Act II. To all my readers, please enjoy.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: The Truths Owed To Justice<strong>

_Anders _

It was too much. The culmination of Vengeance and Justice in my mind was ripping my soul apart. I needed release, reprieve, anything to escape from the sharp clawing within that threatened to overwhelm me and make me lose control.

It would be so easy to give in, to finally become that mindless husk and allow Justice or Vengeance to take hold. I struggled harder and harder each day to fight what I was, to fight what I had become. After five years, half a decade, I thought it would be easier. It wasn't.

I needed to be free of Vengeance, of Justice. My anger towards the Templars could never be quashed but the need for freedom was stronger. I could do no good with the ever repressive hounding from Justice to fight for the rights and lives of mages or the ever tempting demon of Vengeance screaming at me to take all the lives of any who even dared to _think _of doing harm to mages. It grew worse when they realized what I was attempting – a potion that would untangle our spirits so that I could be free again.

It was a potion of my own creation. There were no potions known to man that could unbind a spirit with his host, I had to create one of my own. Over many months, I gathered herbs, rocks, spirit shards, anything that could be conducive to the removal of Justice and Vengeance from my body. My friends were suspicious as to my continued absences, as often I was lost at the Wounded Coast, searching for more herbs. I know my edgy nature did nothing to ease their worries but I did not have any capability within me to act better. I had no idea if the potion would work and there was a risk, always a risk, that I would be causing my own death. It would be a potential consequence that I would reluctantly accept. It was better than being a prisoner. Justice was once my friend, in some ways he would always be my friend but he had changed. I had changed him and for that, I would always be sorry but I needed my freedom. In some ways, I was trapped in an even more basic way than I had been in the Circle of Magi.

Death was not so unwelcome in comparison.

I would miss _her_, though. I had known her for three years, coming on four, watched her kindness and benevolence from an arm's length, fearful that my contrasting malevolence would mar her beauty and courage. I had spent the majority of those three years aching ceaselessly for her.

Hawke. Hales. Sunshine. Sweetheart. The girl with the tousled, dark curls that never lay still, always shimmying in the breeze. The girl with the sultry dark eyes that glinted with mischief. The girl whose lips curved into smiles that blossomed with the sweetness of sunrise. The girl with the perfectly shaped ears that deserved to be adorned with jewels and gold. The girl with the soft, smooth, pale skin that was always just cool enough to make you keep your hands on her so you could keep her warm. The girl with those wonderful curves and perfect legs all hidden beneath that robe she wore. The girl with never ending love and care. The girl with endless talent and energies for magic. The girl who looked at me with eyes of admiration and understanding instead of the hate and despise that should have been there. The girl with the cheeky wit, intellectual comments and constant hunger for learning. The mage. The goddess. The woman of my dreams.

Oh yes, how I dreamed of loving her, holding her, being with her, taking from her and warming myself with that precious inner fire that she so easily shared with others but I knew, one night would never be enough. I knew that if I succumbed to her for even a moment, I would drag her down into the depths of despair for all eternity. I was a selfish man. I _am_ a selfish man. I would take and take from her and she did not deserve that.

I was selfish enough to leave the plight of mages behind me so that I could be free once more. I could reign in my need to possess her so that she could live her normal life. Without me. Never with me.

When the last patient left for the day, I locked the doors of the clinic behind him. I was alone. The quietness of the room was a stark contrast to the angry heat of claws scraping the insides of my skin. I needed freedom from them. I pushed them away, holding onto the last vestiges of control I had as I carefully measured out each ingredient.

I stared down at the list and then at the bubbling cauldron that sat in the corner of my dirty clinic.

Deathroot, for the death of someone I had once called a friend and maybe even for me.

Frostrock, to freeze the anger and hatred that welled up inside of me.

Spirit shards, to give my mind the resistance against spirits.

Lyrium dust, to hopefully retain my magical powers.

Panacea, to heal the damage the Deathroot would cause.

Tilia, for protection from spirits, in particular, evil spirits.

Artemisia, a poison for parasites.

I waved my hand over the cauldron, watching lightening slowly issue from my fingers and whirl the bubbling contents within. The mixture turned colour, from a faded and dull pink to an angry red before dying down to a royal purple, a noble colour that I could not relate to. Justice concurred with that thought. He was of a wrathful disapproval, cursing me from within. Vengeance fought for control. I wrestled with him, fighting for dominance of my own body. The conflict, the struggle, the ceaseless battle as I poured the purple substance into a flask was almost too much to bear.

I had to keep going and though, Justice was slowly taking over and my movements were no longer completely my own, I managed to lift the flask to my lips and swallow down its contents quickly. There was an eruption, a wave of bright blue spread out like sapphire flames from my body. The pain, the burst of explosion that sped through my system was indescribable.

I heard a loud noise, though I am uncertain whether it was within or without, and Justice as he screamed out, "FOOL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" I began losing consciousness.

I am sorry, my friend but the truth was, it was just too much.

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><p>AN: As always, please read and review. Let me know what you thought of the chapter!

Love,  
>Ann<p> 


	2. The Truths About Anders

A/N: Chapter two, this story will come around slowly because I'm still in the middle of semester. I will hopefully update once every two or three days though! Enjoy!

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: The Truths About Anders<strong>

_Hales_

"I'm telling you, Hawke, there's something wrong with Blondie!" said Varric, his tone both heated and slightly worried.

I smiled convincingly at him, "No, I'm sure he's fine."

It was a lie. Ever since the incident in the Mage Underground involving Ser Alrik and Ella, in which Anders had very nearly killed the girl, he became even more subdued, withdrawn and altogether distant from the group.

Fenris and Isabela kept silent as the four of us strolled through Darktown in the late afternoon, allowing me to order some more poisons and grenade from Thomwise but judging by the look Isabela gave me, it seemed unlikely that my words fooled her.

Varric gave me a sceptical look whilst Fenris ignored the topic of conversation altogether. I shrugged helplessly, "He… doesn't tell me very much anymore," I admitted with some sadness.

Anders and I had always been close being fellow mages, each understanding the plight of mages, what it was like to constantly be on the run and after I lost Bethany to the Templars, he and I became ever closer to one another. There was a gigantic "but" though. He always had his guard up around me. Over time, I realized that it wasn't because he didn't trust me. The problem was he didn't trust himself and Justice.

Anders was… wonderful and his constant need to keep an arm's length often hurt me deeply. It wasn't intentional and for that, I never bore a grudge but in my heart, I wished to be more than just a fellow mage. The man who taught me so much about magic, about healing others, the man who gave his all in helping citizens, children, everyone. Over the years, the number of times he had come to my rescue was not, by any means, a small number. And he never complained about working late, staying up till dawn trying to save lives, never a word. I admired his heart, his dedication, his strength and wished with all my heart that he would let me share his burden.

After all, who does a healer turn to when his heart needs healing?

In my heart of hearts, I wished he would turn to me.

Thomwise's voice called out, "Hawke. Hawke. Hey."

I shook my head to clear the fog and forced an apologetic smile, "Sorry. Had a long day."

Thomwise chuckled, "A day in the life of Hawke, nothing out of the normal, I assume? Charging off to change the lives of others?"

This time, my smile was more genuine, "I guess so."

He promised, "I'll have these delivered to you in two days." I nodded and left, automatically walking towards Anders' clinic without thought. Fenris' arm shot out to stop me, "You're walking the wrong way."

I hesitated for a moment. The last time I had seen Anders, things had not gone well between us. I had pushed for answers, hoping to help and he had all but thrown me out of his clinic. There was still a dull clench in my heart even at the thought of his bitter expression. Sensing my thoughts, Varric sighed exasperatedly, "Alright alright. Let's try inviting him to a night of Wicked Grace again."

Fenris' lips curled in slight distaste but seeing my worried expression, he surrendered and resolutely stomped in the clinic's direction. Isabela linked her arms with mine and I trailed along. Her brown eyes were bright with sympathy, "You know pet, you're not doing yourself any favours by being so hung up about him. If he's not going to jump at the opportunity of being with you, just leave him alone and move on," she leered at me, exaggerating her pout to cheer me up, "I know I'd love a chance to tumble with you."

My arms curled around her curvaceous hips, giving her a slight squeeze before muttering a quiet, "Thanks but I'm alright." When she gave me another doubtful look, I said, "Really. I am. And I know I should move on but Anders is… special to me. He always will be."

Her eyes darkened with lust as she suggested, "Maybe you should just curl into his bed one night and beg him not to deny you. Or maybe you should tell him how much your body aches with an ailment and let him play healer, making his fingers drag and caress all over your skin until he discovers how wet you are… he won't be able to resist."

My face flushed a bright red and I covered my cheeks in my hands. I managed a scandalized, "Isabela!" whilst she protested, "What? It'd get the two of you together and that's what's important."

I blushed some more as I admitted, "I'm very sure that he'd be an incredible lover. What with his electricity thing and the healer's hands thing but…"

"You want more than just sex," she finished for me. For a pirate captain who seemed to need a man or a woman or… any living, breathing something at night, she never belittled my wants or dreams. She was the only one who knew of the affection I harboured for Anders. She understood and maybe, just maybe, a part of her wanted what I did but after everything she'd been through, she'd settle for good enough.

I couldn't do that. I sighed, "It doesn't matter anyway. He doesn't see me that way. He doesn't even _look_ at me that way. I don't think he thinks of me as a girl. I'm probably just a mage to him."

She shot me yet another doubtful look and said, "Keep telling yourself that, sweet thing," but her expression was so sad for me that my heart turned over just a little. I cheered her up, "You think I'm beautiful, that's good enough."

Anders' clinic was already dark, which was unusual. Patients went in and out until very late into the night. Sensing trouble, I readied my staff and tried to turn the doorknob. It was jammed. I put my ear against the door and heard nothing. I took a step back and turned to my friends, shrugging.

_BOOM_

There was an intense explosion from within that shook the door, unsettling much of the dust that had settled in the jamb. Flames of bright blue fluttered from beneath the door and I felt the blood rush out of my face as I recognized what it was. Justice.

I quickly motioned to Isabela, who bent at the knees to pick the lock. The door swung open.

"FOOL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

Anders was on his knees, his body bowing almost backwards as the blue energy issued from his chest, bursting all throughout the room. A heavy wind blew into the room and it was not from the outside, a torpedo of bright blue encased Anders for a moment, like he was the eye of a storm and then it slowly dissolved. It was like a fading image, the particles of blue becoming less and less obvious to the eye but in the last moments, I saw a gap in the air, like a tiny portal, a window that led elsewhere. It faded so quickly though, that I had no time to determine what it was.

My horrified gaze found Anders, a quickly shrinking Anders. The four of us stood at the door of his clinic, watching with shock as over a few moments, the Anders that was left sitting on the ground was a tiny child, surrounded by robes that were far too big for him.

My heart was undone as I found the little Anders staring around him with lost disorientation, flapping the sleeves of endless materials with his tiny arms. Varric and Isabela had the poor taste to actually chortle at the situation, finding amusement in the irony of the situation and tiny Anders began to cry, silent tears flowing down his cheeks as he tilted his head forward, swinging hair the colour of spun gold down to hide his face.

I walked to him but was stopped by Fenris. He snarled, "Don't touch him! He could be a demon in that form hoping to lure you in!" and reached for his great broadsword.

My blood turned to ice at the very thought of Fenris harming a child and I shouted, "Stop it! He's just a child!" I turned an angry glare at the others and both of their amused smiles instantly disintegrated with a single look. I pushed Fenris away from Anders and strode to the other side of the room, falling to my knees before him and opened my arms in welcome. Anders hesitated, his jaw clenched in an attempt to stop the tears but after a brief pause, he awkwardly threw himself into my arms, jumping onto my lap for safety.

Through the materials of Anders' robes, I could feel little fists clenching at my shoulders and robes, hiding his face into the crook of my neck as he sobbed to his little heart's content. My arms wrapped around him easily and I smoothed my hands down his back, making gentle shushing noises as I went, in the hopes of comforting the little boy. His silky hair rubbed against my cheeks and without any reluctance, I rubbed my face into his hair and kissed the top of his head. When Anders' hiccups and soft sobs began to cease and ease away, I gently lifted him away from me.

I murmured quietly, "Are you alright, Anders?"

Anders looked at me with suspicious eyes, the kind of eyes that made my heart break. What could have possibly happened to Anders at such a young age to cause such suspicion to crop up in his eyes? He asked, "How do you know my nickname?" then his eyes turned hopeful, "Are you saving me from the Templars?"

I looked towards the others for answers, what could I possibly say to a child to make him understand? Instead, I asked him, "Anders, that's not your real name, is it? Do you want me to call you by your real name instead?"

He shook his head violently, "No one calls me Theodore. Only my parents and I haven't seen them since I got took by Templars."

I smiled, "Taken, Anders. Since you were taken by Templars." Already, I had incorporated myself into the task of teaching the child grammar, he would be my charge, I thought to myself.

He sighed a little in adorable exasperation, "I haven't seen them since I got taken by Templars," he said dutifully.

I asked again, "You sure you want me to call you Anders? And not Theodore?"

Anders bobbed his head in assent and I asked him, "How old are you?"

He lifted his right hand up but with so much material covering them, he told me in a quiet tone, "I'm five, Serah," before amending his comments, "Almost six!" then he asked me again in desperation, "Are you saving me from the Templars?"

I touched his cheek gently and countered, "What's the last thing you remember?"

Anders' eyes turned fearful, scared, a light of terror glinting from within its honeyed depths as he muttered quietly, "I was in the dormitory and when the Templars said lights out, I didn't put out my candle. I wanted to read and when the Templar guarding our door found out, he hit me with the back of his metal hand and took my book."

Tears began to well up in his eyes, making them glassy and magnified and he hiccuped lightly before throwing himself at me again, begging with desperation, "Please don't make me go back to the Templars! Please! I won't go! I'll be good! I'll be good!"

His confessions made my heart ache and my own tears threatened to fall. He was so young, so little and so unprotected from the ugliness of life. Being hit by a Templar wearing gauntlets at five, being away from his family at such a tender age, I comforted him without thought, "No Templars will find you. You're safe with me. I'll _never_ let anyone hurt you. Never."I clutched at his body tightly, hoping to make him feel secure. Eventually, he stopped shaking and pulled away a little, wiping his face with the backs of his hand.

Anders looked at me with hopeful eyes that were marred by suspicion and slight mistrust, "Pwomise?"

I smiled at him, "I promise." I waved my staff over him to shrink his robes and have them fit. He stood with the exact same outfit, with fluffy pauldrons and boots that almost went to his knee but it was the tiny version.

It seemed that performing magic seemed to be the right course of action as Anders' eyes widened with disbelief and with a hushed voice, he asked, "You're an apos- apostit, apost-"

I smiled, "Yes, Anders. I'm an apostate, too. We're the same, we're mages." With a gentle hand, I carded through his hair, "You'll always have me. I'll protect you, alright?"

Anders looked at me with some surprise as he surveyed his surroundings, "We're not in the Tower? Where are we?"

My expression turned desperate and Varric came to my rescue. He bent down and told Anders with a flourish, "We're in Kirkwall. Hawke rescued you from those Templars and ran away with you and now you're in Kirkwall. It'll be dangerous here though so you need to keep those magic talents hidden away so the Templars won't suspect. Can you do that, buddy?"

Anders nodded his head fervently. I told him, "This is Varric, Isabela and Fenris," introducing him to my friends, "they are friends and travel with me a lot. You'll meet more later."

Isabela crouched down and tousled his hair whilst Fenris managed a slightly civilized nod. Anders looked up at me with scared eyes, "Is he a Templar?"

I shook my head, "He's just a bit grouchy. Don't worry. He's a friend. He's like this to everyone."

As I stood up, I wondered about our next course of action. Now that Anders was a child, everything was different. All the things that had to be done were not conducive to a young child's health and safety. The running around would tire him out. The constant battles would endanger his life. The patients that came in need of healing would never find Anders and most importantly, we needed to find a cure that would turn him back into the man.

Varric offered, "I'll rally everyone up at the Hanged Man. You sort out what you need to and we'll discuss this."

I nodded, "Thank you, Varric. I appreciate this."

As Isabela, Fenris and Varric left me to my devices and new charges, I turned to Anders and asked him, "I need to gather a few things from the desks. Could you stay with me?"

Anders nodded and sat on one of the cots, patiently waiting for me. I looked around. Anders was by no means a neat and tidy person but his things were, at the very least, organized. The medical supplies were in stacks along one shelf and his books, manifestoes, pieces of parchment were stacked upon the desk. What could have gone wrong? How did Anders become a child?

The answer was soon clear. A half-cracked flask sat on the dirty floor, the bottom still with a few drops of dark purple potion. The same colour as the solution that was still bubbling away next to the desk. As I looked at the opened book that lay on the table, I saw a list of ingredients, a pile of the same ingredients on the desk and all sorts of measuring spoons, beakers, flasks and scales. Could it be a potion that Anders had consumed?

I poured the remaining potion from the cauldron into multiple flasks and stored all but one in a medicinal cabinet, away from potentially curious hands. I took his books and any notes I could find, heaping them up in my arms with the flask. I called for Anders and together we strolled to the cellar doors that led to Hawke Estate. I told Anders, "Could you reach through the grates of the door and slide your hand along the wall until you find a small piece of material and pull it as hard as you can several times?"

I had a small bell installed that led from the bottom of the cellar to the kitchens where Oranna, Sandal or Bodahn would hear my ringing and come to open the door for me. We waited a little while until Bodahn greeted us. He seemed to recognize the severity of the issue, possibly from my expression and took the books and flask, promising to keep it in my room for my later perusal. With my hands free, I went back to Anders' clinic to lock the doors, blow out the lantern and on a snap decision, went into Anders' bedroom to collect a few personal possessions. His bedroom was sparse, with a few robes hung up, a few sheets, an old embroidered pillow and a few staves. There were no private possessions and I realized that his possessions had been few and far between and perhaps, most of what he owned was only his knowledge. I took the robes, pillows and staves and said to Anders, "I want you to remember this door. This is the cellar door that leads to my house. You'll be living with me from now on, alright?"

Bodahn came down to take the rest of Anders' possessions as Anders nodded. He reached up with his left hand, stars of hope gleaming in his eyes. I smiled and reached for his hand, holding it within mine. His entire hand wrapped around two of my fingers and I offered, "You know, I could carry you if you like?"

It was like watching the sun burst free from the horizon. His face bloomed with happiness and without a second thought, I picked him up, carefully wrapping my hands under his bottom and around his back whilst he settled his arms around my neck and buried his face into the crook of my neck.

It was a little worrying how scared baby Anders seemed but I shrugged it off. I was prepared to do whatever it took to make Anders happy, safe and most of all, secure in his own skin.

I had so much affection for Anders as a man, it seemed inevitable that my feelings for him had intensified and doubled the way it had. Though it wasn't the same feeling and what fondness and affection I felt for baby Anders was miles away from the attraction and chemistry I felt with the man, the truth was that both had wormed their way into my heart.

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><p>AN: Please R&R! Love, Ann


	3. The Truths Owed to Friends

**Chapter 3: The Truths Owed to Friends**

_Hales_

Mother was part worried, part horrified and also part enthusiastic as I tried to explain that Anders had potentially taken a potion that turned him into a five year old. She tsked and tutted at Anders' dirty hands and giggled when Anders had bowed to her as he introduced himself, smiling with a roguish charm that made my heart melt. Yes, I could imagine how that charming little smile would one day turn into a dangerous one, capable of breaking hearts. Hadn't it broken mine many times over already?

Eventually, he told my mother as he pointed at me, "Varric told me that Hawke," Anders wrinkled his nose as he called me that, "rescued me from Templars so I belong with Hawke." His nose wrinkled again as Mother shot me an odd look.

I explained, "Varric thought it best," and Mother nodded in understanding. Anders asked in a very polite tone, too polite for a child, "Is that really your name?"

I smiled, "It's my last name. You can call me Hales, sweetie."

"Oh," he seemed a little distant as he said it, like he had little thoughts in his little mind but didn't know whether it was appropriate or not to voice them.

I told him, "You can tell me anything you like," as I knelt in front of him by the fire in the parlour. He pet my Mabari, Widge's fur absentmindedly before telling me, "I just think it's good that you don't have a boy name, being a girl."

I smiled, "My names is Hales Hawke."

Anders just nodded, he mouth opening and closing as he tried my name on for size. Eventually I said, "I have to go see my friends at the tavern. Did you want to stay here?"

He yelled, "No! I'm going with you. Please let me come!"

It wasn't a tantrum. There was no fuss. It was just sheer fear of being abandoned that caused his slightly raised voice. I kept my frown inside. What else had happened to Anders?

I smiled at him, "Of course. Come on, it's a pretty long walk so we better go."

Anders was fairly content to bury his head into the crook of my neck as I carried him into Lowtown. Something about the people staring at him, the unfamiliar surroundings or overall insecurity had him clutching at me like a blanket and it worried me. What else had happened to Anders in the Tower?

At the Hanged Man, everyone was already congregated in Varric's room, everyone discussing the fact that Anders was a young child of five through some magical mishap. At the threshold, I put Anders down and he peeped around my legs. Fenris was snarling, Isabela was yelling, Aveline was keeping the two of them apart, Varric was heatedly trying to explain what he saw, Merrill cowered in the background and even Sebastian seemed to have trouble controlling his temper.

I ushered Anders through the door and knelt down to his level. I needed to prepare him for the oncoming onslaught of questions, arguments and maybe a few violent movements from Fenris and I knew, that anything too much would terrify Anders. I softly kissed his nose and whispered, "I know it seems scary but you need to believe me. Trust me. I will protect you. Nothing will happen to you. You're safe with me, alright?"

Anders' eyes turned sad and he looked at the ground as he stated with cynicism, "You're going to leave me here."

I pulled his chin up so that our eyes locked and I whispered, "No, Anders. You will stay with me. I'm not going to leave you here, sweetie. Please believe me."

He nodded a little and I tried for something I used to practice on Bethany. I stuck my pinky finger out and wriggled it at him. He seemed to understand the Ferelden gesture and hooked his own pinky with mine. He tried to remind me, "You've pinky pwomised. You can't break that."

I nodded and reminded him, "You just remember that no matter what happens, I'm right here beside you and I won't hurt you and I won't let _anyone else_ hurt you."

With that, I stood up quickly and slammed the door loud enough to get everyone's attention. Every eye was widened and strained upon Anders, who began to hide behind my legs. My first words were cool, soft for Anders' sake but direct and with enough ice and steel to make them know how serious I was, "This is Anders. I expect everyone to make him feel welcome. He will be staying with me from now on and _anyone_," I added a distinct glare to Fenris, "who has a problem with this arrangement will have to deal with me."

Sebastian, ever the peacekeeper, stepped forward and with hands raised out in supplication, he questioned, "Perhaps it is best for you to explain the situation."

I stared at the little Anders, looking up at me with deep amber flecks in his eyes and I wavered. It was a mistake to bring him here. His curious ears would be listening. How could I explain? It was once again Varric, who came to my rescue. He gently tugged at Anders' hand and said, "You know, I have a really great story about Hawke that I could tell you."

Anders seemed to understand the implication right away and wrapped his arms around my leg, whilst protesting, "I'm not going anywhere with you!"

I touched the top of his head gently whilst Varric explained as he pointed to his lumpy bed, "We'll be right over there and you'll still be able to see Hawke."

Anders stared up at me with questionable eyes and I nodded, "I'll be right here. You'll see me. I'm not going to leave. Trust me, Anders."

He was reluctant but almost willing to let go his misgivings and dutifully followed Varric where both sat on the edge of his bed muttering in hushed tones. With Anders, hopefully, distracted enough, I spoke quietly to the rest of them at the table, keeping half an eye on the little boy constantly.

"I'm not entirely sure what has happened," I began, sliding my hands onto the table, "I'm sure all of you have been told of the situation. We went to Anders' clinic and it was locked. We heard an explosion and we went inside. There was something happening to Anders and somehow, he magically began shrinking before my eyes and he became the little boy."

Fenris commented without even lowering his tone, his deep baritone echoing off the walls, "You neglect to mention how that _abomination_ came out."

The room turned cold. Whether it was my magical abilities or simply the feel of cruel, cold anger running through my veins, I know not but my words, though soft were edged with broken glass, "I will say this once and once only, _you will keep your voice down for Anders' sake_."

Aveline shook her head at me, "You have to admit that you don't know whether Anders is dangerous or not. The man was volatile enough at the best of times."

I leaned forward and lowered my voice further, causing everyone to also lean forward at the table. I murmured, "From only very preliminary investigations, it seems potential that Anders drank something, a potion, and I'm not entirely certain what it was supposed to do but I think, something backfired and the potion caused him to de-age."

Aveline rubbed her temples, "You can't keep this under wraps. Anders could be dangerous."

Sebastian maintained, "He is a mage, Hawke. He belongs in the Circle."

It was a fairly typical answer from Sebastian and honestly, I wasn't sure what I had expected from the group but it wasn't this. It really wasn't this.

I sighed but Isabela cut in for me, "He's a five year old. A child. I don't think there's very much Anders could do right now."

Merrill chimed in, "We could teach him. We could teach him how to control his magic whilst we look for a cure."

Fenris snarled, "You? You'll teach him to become even more of an abomination than he already is!"

The rowdiness started again. Merrill cowered back, Isabela defended Merrill, Sebastian and Aveline attempted to keep the peace and Fenris simply gnashed his teeth and snarled. I sat, broken and tired in my chair, overwhelmed by the noise and hostility. When it became too much, I cried out, part in tears, part in anger, shouting at them all, "Stop it! Stop it right now!"

Anders, by this point, was very aware of his surroundings and without a thought, his feet pattered across the wood, climbed up to the seat beside me and wrapped two arms around my neck, fiercely demanding, "What did you do to her?"

I tried to reassure him, "I'm fine. Really, Anders."

He was stubborn, his chin jutting out as he wiped his hands underneath my eyes and demanded, "Then why are you crying?" He turned to the rest of the group, waving his hand about in, what he thought was a menacing manner and cried out, "You stay away from _my_ Hales. You are all," his nose wrinkled as he searched for the words, "scallywags!"

It was so simple, in the world of a five year old. Life was black and white. You were either good or bad. No matter how cynical Anders could have been at five, some things were still simple. His simple words seemed to be the ultimate cooling effect for the rest of them and all sat down, in an attempt to be civilized.

Anders did not appear to be mollified; he yelled out, "If you try anything on my Hales, I'll… I'll throw a fireball at you!"

Shock made me utter out, "You can do that?"

He screwed his eyes together with intense focus, pulling his two hands together as he haphazardly mumbled a spell. The pronunciation was slightly wrong and I was certain he forgot a few syllables but managed a corporeal, if tiny, spark of fire. Anders huffed in exhaustion once the spell was done and everyone seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. Oddly enough, it seemed that everyone was more intimidated by little Anders than each had let on and had, perhaps, overestimated his ability. Still, I congratulated him, "That was a great job, sweetie. Good work."

Anders beamed under tired eyes and crawled into my lap, leaning his head against my breast. As I stroked his hair, he was completely calm, having already forgotten the fuss he made only moments ago. Still, Sebastian tried a different tactic, "Are you sure its right for him to stay with you? I have no doubt as to your ability in protecting him but he doesn't know you, why would he want to stay with you?"

Anders started heatedly, "'Cos she lets me cry. 'Cos she holds me and calls me sweetie and pinky promises me and she said she's stay with me." As he continued to list the multiple things that I had seemed to do right, his voice began to sound drowsy, yawning widely just as he finished off with an, "And I like her…"

As he lay, content in my arms asleep, I continued to stroke his silky hair, letting the motions lull me into comfort, too. I spoke gently, "I'm going to bring Anders back. The man, I mean and whilst I'm trying to find a way to do that, I'll protect him."

It was Fenris' snide comments that cut through the sweet atmosphere, "Oh yes, you'll protect that dangerous little mage instead of giving him to the Gallows. How typical of you. Have you forgotten about his so-called Justice?"

His comments were like a fresh slap of ice water in the face. I glared a little, "Justice doesn't appear to be in his body and it doesn't make sense that Justice would be there. After all, Anders is five and had not shared his body with Justice until he was twenty-one. Whatever the potion was supposed to do, it reverted Anders back twenty years. He mentioned that he was five, almost six. Anders would have turned twenty-six fairly soon. In any case, I've got his books, I plan to fix this. Anders can't really do powerful spells at this age, he's not a danger to anyone. I'll do whatever it takes."

Fenris shook his head in disgust and I said, "What would you have me do, Fenris or well, anyone else who has problems with this situation?"

Sebastian stated simply, "I want you to follow the law. Anders is a mage. Give him to the Gallows. Maybe it's the Maker's way of giving Anders a second chance."

I shook my head, "I can't do that. It's not something Anders would have wanted. He hated the Circle. He does even as a child. His last memory prior to speaking to me was of a Templar hitting him across the face. You know what the Kirkwall Circle is like, I can't do that." The thought struck me, "You're not going to –"

Sebastian shook his head, "No!" he protested, "No. I didn't say anything to the Templars about Anders and Merrill before and I won't do that now. I don't think what you're doing is right but I know you're not doing this out of ill will. I will help however I can."

I smiled at Sebastian, thankful for his understanding and moved onto the others. I raised an eyebrow at Isabela and she raised her two hands in surrender, "I never had a problem with it at all. As long as you don't make me burp him or whatever, we're fine."

Merrill cooed, "Anders is so sweet as a baby. Never would have thought it like that. I can help out with anything. I don't mind. You're going to need new clothes, new things for him to play with," she trailed off as she made a mental list of all the things new Anders was going to be spoilt with.

Aveline gave a non-committal shrug, "Hawke," she began before sighing, "you do whatever you have to." From a Guard-Captain, I couldn't fault her unswerving loyalty.

Varric suggested, "You might want to talk to the First-Enchanter or go into the Black Emporium to see about cures."

That left Fenris. With a gnash of teeth, he pulled away from his seat and stared out the window. I called out, "Fenris?"

He growled out, "Is it so hard to give him to the Templars? Is it so hard to understand that he is a mage and has the capability of harming others?"

I knew where this was going and questioned, "And what would you have me do, Fenris? Tell him that he's actually a twenty-five year old man who housed a spirit inside of him and took a potion that made him a child and now, I'm going to throw him to the mercy of the Templars because _you_ think mages are dangerous?"

Fenris maintained, "Mages _are _dangerous."

I shook my head, "Mages are no more dangerous than any man has the potential to be. I know where you're coming from but Anders is a child right now," my voice grew soft as I touched Anders' supple cheeks, "Is that the kind of truth I owe to a five year old? That he's an abomination? Is that the kind of action I owe to a child? To throw him into the very arms of the people that shakes him to his core? You heard every word he said, how he reacted at the very thought of being abandoned, is that the kind of truth I owe him? That promises aren't for keeps and that the world is as ugly as he thinks it is? No child deserves that."

Whenever Fenris didn't understand something, he would become very coarse, a different man to the one I taught how to read. He didn't really understand friendship, kindness, love and maybe this would be a good situation to teach him, I thought to myself. He growled and muttered in Arcanum and I maintained, "Whatever misgivings you have about the man, you cannot impose upon a five year old. He is unblemished, uncoloured, only starting to understand how ugly the world is and even at five, that is far too early. I won't break him by betraying his trust just as I wouldn't betray you to Hadriana."

"That's very different," Fenris sneered at me, "I was a slave!"

I shook my head, adjusting Anders' body so I could be more comfortable, "It's no different. Anders was as much a slave to the Templars as you were to Hadriana, equally as vulnerable and exploited. Different situation, different circumstance, certainly but at its core, it is no different."

"He is not a child, Hawke," stated Fenris simply.

I smiled serenely, "Right now, he is and just as you were undeserving of your rough childhood, he is undeserving of his. He deserves the childhood he never had. And I know that very deep down, it is something you can relate to."

He protested, "I do not rel-"

I interrupted, "Yes, you do. You know how wrongful it was for Danarius to enslave you the way he did, so let me ask you, would you enslave another?"

Fenris cried out, "Of course not!"

I gently put the sleeping Anders on the wooden bench, stood quietly and strode to Fenris, putting a palm upon his armoured chest, "Then why are you so willing to throw a child at the mercy of Templars? Do not be the monster that created you. You of all people should understand the insecurity that he must surely be feeling right now. Alone, not knowing who to trust, scared that his closest will betray him. He isn't so different to you. Find it in your heart to understand."

In an instant, he deflated and for a moment, everyone saw the man that glimmered beneath Fenris' hard exterior. It passed after a while but I could still see it shining in his eyes. I whispered to him, "Trust me. Please."

There was a light tug at the corner of his lips, a wistful shaking of his head as though he couldn't believe himself before he took me into his arms and murmured, "Of course, Valentha."

Valentha, it was the Arcanum name Fenris had given me ever since I had started teaching him how to read. It meant "little bird" and in our own moments, he would call me such. I sighed in relief. Fenris would not betray me. He was like my brother and no matter how much we fought, in the end, family still stuck together.

Yes, I had hurdled over one obstacle and though, it had not been particularly easy, I did manage to gain the help of all my friends but the truth was that, even this, had been the easiest fight of them all.

* * *

><p>AN: Did you enjoy it? Please R&R! I know it will be a slow updating process but be patient with me!

Love, Ann


	4. The Truths That Change Our Lives

**Chapter 4: The Truths That Change Our Lives**

_Hales_

With Anders fast asleep in Varric's bed, all of us adults sat down to discuss the plans we had. Life had never been quiet even _after_ striking it rich in the Deep Roads. It occurred to me that whilst my life had always been filled with adventure, quests, never-ending battles, now that I had a child with me, every single part of my life would be affected.

When I realized that, I had to lay the proverbial cards on the table. I started, "I realize that we have many things to do but now, with Anders the way he is, I have to make that a priority. However, I'd like a chance to at least hear what is on our to-do list."

Aveline asked me sceptically, "How are you going to fix him anyway? Did Anders provide an antidote?"

I shook my head, "I'm not even sure. I took his notes and diaries and hopefully, there will be something there to help us find a way. I'll start reading as soon as I go home and we'll work something out from there. In the meantime, anything we need to do?"

Varric stated, "There's a dwarf in Hightown called Yevhen who blames you for his missing sons. You might want to deal with that."

Blanching, I stuttered out, "What? Why- How- I never!"

He chuckled, "No, no, not like that. Yevhen claims that it is your influence that has caused his three sons to go into the Deep Roads to find treasure. Apparently, they used the route we took." He reminded me, "If we want to find them, we'll have to go soon."

Merrill called out, "Keeper Marethari will be arriving in a few days to help Feynriel."

Aveline reminded me, "And we've got a few thugs to clear out in Lowtown and the Docks at night. I've got your reward for cleaning out the Invisible Sisters in Hightown. Come to my office some time."

I nodded, "I'm prepared to deal with these as necessary," I rubbed the back of my neck, "I'm not sure how we can juggle it together though. Yevhen's sons are in the Deep Roads and it will take a day or two just to look for them. We can't really delay Feynriel's problems and I've got to take a look at the Bone Pit and meet up with someone unknown at midnight. If Anders-"

His piercing scream interrupted our conversation. In a flash, I was on my feet, scampering to the bed to see what was wrong. He tossed and turned in his sleep, curling into ball with his arms raised to protect himself from an unknown attacker. I grabbed his shoulders and gently shook him, almost shouting out, "Anders! Anders, wake up!"

He mewled out, "Don't hit me!" before I shook him a little more vigorously, causing his eyes to snap open. Anders panted a little, looking around him fearfully before his eyes focused and trained on me like I was the last link he had to sanity. I gathered him into my arms, pulling him onto my lap and letting his quaking body slowly calm down.

I whispered in his ear, "What happened, sweetie?"

Anders shook his head, his mouth pursed together tightly. I tried again, "Did you have a nightmare?"

Again, he shook his head, little fists clenched together in front of him as though readying himself to fight. My hands curled around his fists, stroking at his fingers until one by one, they slowly relaxed and surrendered to my touch, his breathing becoming slow and even. I pushed the subject, "Are you sure? You seemed pretty shaken up, sweetie. Talk to me."

He put his head upon my chest and didn't speak, so I tried again, "Was it a Templar?" His immediate freezing made me close my eyes in horror. I had hit the nail right on the head. I murmured, "Just remember that it was a dream and dreams can't hurt you. And no Templar alive will hurt you. They'd have to go through me first," I stroked down his back sending soothing energies through his body to make him feel at peace before asking, "Do you want to talk?"

Anders shook his head a third time but managed a few soft words that were muffled by my clothes but still easily heard, "I don't – I don't wanna talk about anything." Something was there beneath the surface, proverbial demons haunting his past. I wasn't entirely sure how to deal with it.

My life, though constantly on the run, had been easy, loving, secure and happy. Anders, it seemed, had it very differently. Abused by Templars, insecure, lonely in the Tower and scared; it wasn't something I could even relate to. I could try to understand but it wasn't the same. Even still, it didn't stop the grim determination from settling in my gut. I would find a way to make Anders happy. He would have the childhood he deserved.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice when Anders gazed into my eyes with shyness and timidly asked, "Can I stay with you?"

I didn't understand the implication of the question and dumbly told him, "I'm right here. We'll go home together soon. I'm almost done." He didn't look too satisfied with my answer and I asked, "Is that not what you meant?"

Anders shook his head, "Can I… I don't want to sleep alone. Can I stay in your room?"

I smiled, "Of course, sweetie. I forgot to ask Bodahn to fix you a room at my house anyway so maybe you should stay in my room. I have a really big bed that I think you'll like." It seemed to be the right thing to say for his face brightened up considerably and most of the fear was out of his eyes. Varric poured a glass of water for Anders and gave me a meaningful look, commenting, "It seems you are going to be very busy."

Everyone seemed to understand the implication; Anders would be unlikely to let me out of his sight for very long which meant that I wouldn't be able to get any of the assignments we had done without delay. It seemed that my whole world had been tipped upside down in just a day. I didn't mind but there were lives on the line and I had to find a way to deal with that and balance making Anders happy.

I told them, "It's going to be hard but we'll get things handled by night." Each nodded their assent, seeming to understand that I would go do whatever during the nights when Anders would be asleep. It was then that another thought also occurred to me, "The problem is An-, his clinic. He has patients. Now that he can't…" I trailed off.

Sebastian offered, "I'll talk to Grand Cleric Elthina and see if she can ask for a few healers to help Darktown's sick and needy. I'm certain that if we intend to bring Templars along, Knight-Commander Meredith will not refuse."

I asked, "Would it be too much to ask if you don't use the clinic and find another area? I don't want people suspecting him."

Sebastian nodded in reply, "I will do what I can."

It was all that could be said. There was nothing more to cover. And perhaps that was just as well because I began to yawn tiredly. Isabela offered, "I think that's your cue to go home with Anders. I'll walk you home."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at her but let it go. Whatever Isabela had on her mind, she would tell me. I turned to Anders, "Want me to carry you home?"

He shook his head, "You're too tired… it's okay. I can walk. Will you let me hold your hand?"

I kissed his forehead and then his nose, causing him to wrinkle it in the most adorable way. He giggled a little and I told him, "You'd break my heart if you didn't," shooting me the most charming smile I had. He blushed and ducked his head, staring at me from under his hair with innocent eyes.

The three of us walked through Lowtown with relative ease. We were lucky for no thugs attacked us that night. When we approached Hightown, all was safe. With the Invisible Sisters gone, it was an easy stroll. Anders took the time to look around, exploring the city for the first time with his hand fitted snugly in mine.

Isabela advised, "I think you should enjoy your time with him while you can."

I smiled, "Of course. I don't feel burdened by this if that's what you think."

She looked at me with sympathetic but knowing eyes, "I know you don't but whilst your life goes crazy and you need to stay up at night to fight whatever evil roams the streets," she gave a dramatic whirl of her arms up in the air, "maybe you should remember that there will always be a new evil that terrifies the world but you only have one chance with Anders, whether the boy or the man. You should make use of that."

Anders seemed too distracted by his surroundings to pay attention to what we were saying so I nodded, "I know. I'm planning on buying lots of toys for him so that I can enjoy whatever time I have." I gave a self-deprecating laugh, "I mean, this is as close as I'll ever be to the man."

There was a shrewd glint in her eye and she replied, "Write a diary or a journal. One day, you'll pick it up and read it again and it'll make you happy that you spent that time."

At the door of Hawke Estate, I told her, "You know, Isabela, you really do have a heart of gold. You don't show it often and I know you'd never want anyone else to know but you do," and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek.

Isabela seemed a little surprised but she didn't really comment, shooting me a somewhat coy look to play it off. I had slipped under her guard and I'm certain that perhaps, she wasn't sure how to deal with it but I know she appreciated my comments anyway. She bent down on one knee and said to Anders affectionately, "I'm going to leave you and Hawke to go home, eat and get some rest. I want you to do something for me, alright? I want you to be brave and don't be scared because Hawke will protect you."

Anders nodded at her obediently and Isabela shuffled closer to Anders and mock whispered, "And there's something else I need you to do for me, okay?"

Too curious for his own sake, Anders put his ear close to Isabela's mouth to hear what she had to say. I wasn't entirely sure what it was that she said. I heard nothing but hushed whispers. When Anders pulled away, he held up his pinky finger for Isabela and they hooked them together before he nodded, proclaiming loudly, "I'll be good and protect my Hales, too."

Isabela beamed at him and asked him for a goodnight kiss, which he happily plopped onto her cheek before calling out, "Good night, 'Bela."

I opened the door for him and he scampered inside to Widge before I exclaimed jealously to Isabela, "What is it with you and men? You can just charm them whether five or fifty."

She shrugged, "Does it really bother you?"

I watched as he pet Widge's head and wryly grinned, "I guess not. I'm just a little jealous that you seem to understand him better than me. He kissed you before he kissed me," I said with a petty tone.

She laughed openly, "He loves you, Kitten."

"Anders?" I asked with scepticism, watching as he giggled at Widge licking at his face.

"He loves you. He keeps calling you "my Hales". You're his now. Whether he realizes it or not, he loves you." Her hand reached out to tug my chin so that my eyes locked with hers and she said, "And you love him, whether boy or man."

I winced at the truth, at the heart strings that tugged, "He doesn't love me as a man, Isabela. As a boy, he'll grow to love me but as a man? No. I'm sure he's had better than someone like me."

Isabela just shook her head at me but said simply, "You should go inside. You've had a long day."

As I stepped across the threshold, I looked back at her and asked, "I'll see you tomorrow?"

She called out as she strutted off, her hips waving from side to side, "Tomorrow afternoon."

In the parlour, Mother watched with Bodahn and Sandal as Anders rolled onto Widge's back, growling at the back of his throat in play. I called out to Bodahn, asking him to prepare some food and Oranna, to draw a bath for both me and Anders. As both servants rushed off to their own tasks, Mother asked, "So I suppose he's staying with us now?"

I nodded, "With me. He-," I lowered my voice, "He had a nightmare when he fell asleep earlier when I was at the Hanged Man. He screamed out and asked to stay with me. I couldn't say no."

She frowned, "So are you going to adopt him or what? Is he going to become my grandchild?"

"No!" I protested before hissing out, "I've got his books up in my room. I'm going to try and reverse it. In the meantime though, I'm going to try and enjoy whatever time I've got with him."

Mother giggled girlishly, "I have seen the looks you've given him. Like mother, like daughter, I say. There's something about apostates... just so romantic and rugged and perfect." She was swooning at the memory of Father and I had to stifle my laughter. I rolled my eyes, "Thank you Mother, for rubbing that in my face." I sighed a little, "I know its going to break my heart when he's an adult again. I'm already starting to get used to having him following me everywhere. Isabela told me to write a diary so I could keep all of my memories somewhere and maybe, she's right."

I shook my head, trying to dispel my thoughts and watched as Anders slumped against Widge, slightly out of breath. I said, "Come on Anders, let's get you washed before we go to dinner. I want to show you to my room so you know where you're staying!"

Though panting, he scrambled to his feet, following me eagerly up the stairs and into my well-lit room. The fire was blazing and the tub was set up, hot water with steam slowly rising from its surface greeting us as well as bottles of soaps and bath salts.

Anders stared at my bed, before asking me, "So I can sleep with you?" His tone was adorable, gentle and sweet but full of hopefulness spilling from his voice. I smiled, "Of course but you need to take a bath first."

With awkward fingers, he tried to undo the vast array of robes that he had on but he eventually frowned, "Hales?" he asked in a timid voice.

"Yes?"

"I can't get this stuff off. I don't even rem'ber wearing it."

I gently pulled at the knots, clasps and ties that kept his robe together, reminding me, "It's 'remember', sweetie not rem'ber."

"Remember," he repeated.

He certainly had a lot of hooks and chains linked up. It took a while for me to undo all the ties. I thought to myself, what in the name of the Maker was Anders thinking when he picked out the robe? When he was unclothed, I carried him to the tub, placing him in the hot water with a soft plop. I wasn't entirely sure what I expected but it wasn't his quiet nature, sitting as still as a statue without even slight movements as I rubbed the washcloth up and down his arms.

I asked, "Is something wrong?"

He shook his head and I asked, "Don't you like the water? Is it too hot?"

Anders frowned a little, "It's alright."

I apologized, "We'll get you a wooden duckie tomorrow and soaps that make the nice bubbles so you can play. Would you like that?"

He stared up at me and said dubiously, "I'm allowed to play in the water?"

I smiled, "That's what the waters for. To play in. Go ahead and splash a little if you like."

There was a sad smile on his face, one that didn't belong to a child as he revealed without looking at me, "We weren't allowed to splash in the Tower. We got smacked for doing that."

I sighed softly, unsure how to respond before undoing my robes, wrapping a towel around myself and stepping into the tub next to Anders. He watched me with curious eyes and I told him, "This isn't the Tower, Anders. I can't promise that we can do everything you want and even if we can, I can't promise that it'll be right away but you can always ask and I will always try to give you what you want."

"Really?" he asked, trust and optimism tinging his voice.

I nodded, "Really," I opened my arms and he curled up against me in the water as I explained, "I can't promise that I will always say yes either but, you can always ask me and I will _never_ hurt you or punish you for asking questions. If you need to talk about anything, you can talk to me. Do you understand what I'm saying, sweetie?"

Anders looked at me and nodded before asking, "You… you won't lie to me?"

"Never."

Eventually, we dried and got dressed, Anders wearing one of Carver's old shirts before going down for dinner and that passed with satisfyingly good results. Anders seemed to warm up to Mother and he seemed to rather enjoy talking to Sandal. Maybe because both of them were young, at least in mentality, they seemed very happy to converse in "ENCHANTMENT!" and "BOOM!" and "I like you" and I decided not to question it. It was with Oranna however, that I began to see problems. He was too charming, smiling with roguish innocence as he begged for more cookies. I'm not sure Oranna was capable to actually saying no. Eventually, I had to step in and told Anders, "You can have more cookies tomorrow."

Bed time came soon after and armed with a book, I tucked Anders into my bed with soft cotton sheets drawn up to his chin. As he began to yawn widely, I did what my father once did for me. I read to him. I didn't own any books that would be suitable for a child, after everything being destroyed in our old home back in Lothering but I did own a small book about elven tales and hoped that nothing graphic would turn up. I spoke of a young elven boy who hunted deer and other game in the forest for his clan, becoming tired and exasperated with the job until he came across a mirror, a mirror that could make all his wishes come true. Selfishly, he had wished for gold, fame and all those things that he thought he had wanted. It gave him disastrous results.

I had barely begun reading when he seemed to already fall asleep and dimming the candles next to his bed, I went to the desk to look through Anders' books. I hated to even open them, feeling as though I was intruding into his private thoughts but I knew that if I had any hope of curing Anders, I would need to read at least a little.

I opened the third book, the one that had been open upon his desk, flipping to the very last page that had been written in. It was just a list of ingredients and a specific measure of each. A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.

"Come in," I said absently.

It was Mother. She came in carrying two things, a pillow and a book. She cast an eye upon the sleeping form in my bed and smiling, she whispered, "You mentioned that you might write a diary and I took this from the library," she presented me with a book that was covered and lined with green and gold threads. The pages were blank, ready for my quill and ink. I looked up at her and smiled, "Thank you, Mother."

She then passed me the pillow, "Oranna had the pillow cleaned and repaired for you. I'm guessing it belongs to Anders?"

I nodded, "It does. I took his possessions. What with the clinic closed right now, I didn't want any thieves stealing his things. He has so few worldly goods."

Mother kissed the top of my head and murmured, "I'm going to bed. I'm going to visit Bethany tomorrow and need to be up early. Don't stay up too late, darling."

"Of course. Tell Bethany I love her. Goodnight, Mother."

As I heard the door click behind me, I went back to Anders' notebook. Glancing at his ingredient's list, it looked like he wanted to poison himself. Many of them were poisons of different kinds. Was he trying to commit suicide?

I flicked backwards, trying to read his more recent entries.

_9:35, 14__th__ Guardian_

_It's too much. Seeing the two new Tranquil in the Gallows courtyard nearly made me lose control. Justice or Vengeance or both, they clawed their way through me. I nearly had to run away to reign all the anger within me. It's suffocating. _

_It's getting worse now that they know what I'm doing. I just hope it will work. The last of the ingredients haven't arrived in Kirkwall yet. Artemisia is a plant strictly found in Tevinter so I'm not surprised but the urgency that's welling up is frightening. If I don't get that soon…_

His script was jagged, messy and scrappy, a hasty scrawl belying his turbulent emotion. I flicked back another entry.

_9:35, 10__th__ Guardian_

_I've put an order for the Artemisia and Tilia. I don't even know if it will work but even death would be better than this constant struggle that I thought I could handle. _

_I saw her today. I hated the way I acted. She wanted to help and I pushed her out the door. I don't know why but I couldn't reveal what I was doing. She would worry and she doesn't need to. She's already got too much on her own plate. But I hate the way I yelled at her. She didn't deserve that. I don't even know what my problem is. That's not the way I would ever want to treat her. _

I traced the words over with my fingers. I was certain that he was referring to me. I felt guilty for reading his diary. This wasn't the kind of information I should have known about but it did give me a sense of relief that he wasn't angry at my prying into his life that day when I asked him why he was so distant from our group. I flicked back some more.

_9:35, 8__th__ Guardian_

_Varric came to me today, asked me why the hell I hadn't joined them for Wicked Grace. I was almost tempted to tell him what I was doing but thought better of it. I do miss seeing them. Maybe not that beast of a man, Fenris but I do miss them. Especially _her.

I wasn't certain that the 'her' mentioned in the entry was referring to me. The last time, I knew it was me because it didn't seem likely that he would throw two females out of his clinic. Could he be referring to me here, too? It seemed unlikely. After all, Isabela was in our group. Who would look at me when Isabela was around?

_I've been thinking that since I'm adding Deathroot, I'll need something to counteract its effects since it is a poison. However, I wasn't entirely sure what I could use. I've read somewhere that Panacea will cure the physical damages done by Deathroot but not the other effects. I've read so much, I'm starting to run out of options. Short of there being some fantasy herb that can make this work, I think I might have to settle for that Maker damned flower. _

Damn you, Anders, I thought to myself. Was it so difficult to write down what he was trying to do so I didn't have to trespass into his private thoughts? It was like he was purposely trying to be vague about it!

I yawned widely, not able to fight the exhaustion that was seeping into my body. It hadn't really been that long a day but it had been eventful and a little draining. The shock of seeing Anders turn into a child affected me more than I cared to admit. I decided to start my first diary entry and perhaps turn into bed. I stared at my empty page before deciding on using Anders as a name for my book.

_9:35, 20__th__ Guardian_

_Dear Anders,_

_It's been a very strange day. I was in Darktown with Varric, Fenris and Isabela and we decided to come find you and maybe invite you for a night at the Hanged Man but your clinic was locked and the lights out and there was a huge explosion that unsettled all the years of dust that had piled on the doors. It was like a tsunami of dust come out to play. _

_We found you on your knees, blue flames running all around the room. You know, for a moment, I thought I saw something strange in the air. It was like this gap. And the flames were disappearing, fading and then going into that gap. I'm not even entirely sure if that's what happened. The worst part was watching you shrink into a child though. None of us knew what to do. _

_Then you started crying… I think my heart broke just watching your tears run down your face and you swung all your hair forward to hide your face. I comforted you and now, you really seem to want to stay with me. _

_I can see why so many women fall for you really and it seems that your charm was developed really early. Hair the colour of spun gold, hopeful honey and amber eyes, that cheeky smile that melts any female's heart… what can't you achieve with that charming smile?_

_You know, you bowed to my mother when you introduced yourself and she was so taken with you. Not that she wasn't taken with you as an adult but she's officially got a soft spot for you now that she's seen you as a kid. _

_There's something about you though. When I found you, you told me your last memory was of a Templar hitting you. A five year old abused by a Templar. And I know I'm just scratching the surface. When I was telling the group about what happened, you fell asleep defending me when they upset me. You screamed and cried out in your sleep, begging someone not to hit you again. _

_What happened to you, Anders?_

_You're asleep in my bed now, deep even breaths and open face. That's how you should always be but I get the feeling that there are a lot of proverbial demons that haunt you. I hate that. _

_Fenris had the audacity to tell me to give you to the Templars. He just doesn't understand. I set them all straight though. You deserve to have a childhood. A real one. All he sees is the danger a mage could be but as I said, is that the kind of truth I owe to a child? That he shared a body with a spirit of Justice? Is it something he'd even understand? _

_He got over eventually after I talked him through it and for that, I'm glad. I need support and help right now. Not more mage and Templar problems. _

_I hate going through your diaries. I feel like I'm intruding into your privacy but if I want to turn you back, it's the only option I've got. I haven't read much. I'm going from the most recent entry and going back so I can limit what I read. From the list of potions I found though, it sounds like you were trying to kill yourself. _

_I really hope that's not what you're doing because you could have come to me. I would have been here for you but maybe it's because you don't see me that way. I wish you did._

_I'm so tired and I need sleep. I'll read more tomorrow and write then._

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

As I closed the book with a slight thump and blew out the lanterns and candles on my desk, Anders' soft voice called out from behind me, "Hales?"

I took his cleaned pillow from my desk and went to the bed, climbing beside him and pulling the sheets over me. "Yes, Anders?"

His eyes focused on the pillow in my hand, "Is that my pillow?"

I nodded, "Yes, it is." Then it occurred to me, "You recognize this pillow?"

He nodded, "My mother hand embro- emroid… she made it for me. It was the only thing I was allowed to keep."

I smiled, "Embroidered but it doesn't matter. Here," I slipped it under his head, "it's been cleaned and it's yours. Is that better?"

Anders nodded but still, there was an odd glint in his eyes. I asked knowingly, "Is there something you want to ask me? You know you can ask me anything."

He was silent for a moment before replying, "I want to ask… but not now. Will you still tell me the truth tomorrow?"

I nodded, "I will tell you the truth every single day of forever."

He nodded sleepily, leaning forward to kiss my nose before promptly falling asleep. An odd feeling rose within me. Bittersweet. Part warmth. Part love. Part heartache. I cuddled into him and slept deeply.

The truth was, Anders becoming a child turned my life upside down but somehow, I really didn't want it any other way.

* * *

><p>AN: Anders' demons, what could they possibly be? How will Hawke fix them? Find out soon! Please R&R and as always, I hope you enjoyed.

Love, Ann


	5. The Truths That Need Explaining

**Chapter 5: The Truths That Need Explaining**

_Hales_

When I woke, the sun had barely begun its daily trek over the dark horizon and the bed beside me was cold and empty. The fire had long died out, its embers flickering in its last attempts to stay alive. And there was Anders, sitting at my desk with the lantern burning, bent over his own notebook that I had left open on my table.

"Anders?" I mumbled out with sleep heavy in my voice, "What are you doing up so early?"

His spine straightened and he swiftly turned, guilt and fear marring his face in equal parts, "I just wanted to see! I wanted to see what books you had on the table! Please don't punish me! I'm sorry!" Anders' voice was shrill, his chest heaving at the panic attack that overwhelmed him.

I pat the empty spot beside me and murmured, "Come here, darling. It's early… too early."

With a sigh, Anders climbed down from my chair, slouching his back as he travelled the distance between the desk and the bed. He sat on the bed and I covered the sheet around his shoulders, sitting up beside him. He waited, as though readying himself for punishment and I told him, "I'm not going to punish you. You haven't done anything wrong."

"I… I haven't?" he asked in inquiry and unsettled.

I shrugged, "It would probably be best if you asked me to provide you with books to read but that's more a matter of being polite and I'd really rather you let me know what's on your mind than hide behind manners."

We were silent for a while as I stared at the top of his head and he stared at my stomach, refusing to meet my eyes. I sighed softly, feeling frustrated, "Anders, please look at me. Tell me what's wrong."

Apprehensively, his eyes rose to meet mine and I smiled at him reassuringly. The corners of his mouth tugged and I encouraged, "Talk to me, Anders. I hate seeing you like this, sweetie. Why do you seem so scared of me? I won't hurt you. Talk to me."

"There's something wrong with me, isn't there?" he said stiffly and I lost my smile, his words freezing my blood. Seeing my expression, he said with a moue of disappointment, "There is."

I recovered and was going to open my mouth to lie, to tell him nothing was wrong to maintain whatever façade I could to keep him innocent and happy but his cautious look chilled my words. I tried with wariness, "What do you mean?"

Anders accused, "I heard you all talking yesterday! That elf, Fenris, he called me an abomination. And the others, they talk like they know me!"

I cursed Fenris in my mind. Of all the things for a little boy to hear, that was the worst. I sighed, "How much did you hear?"

He shrugged, "Not everything. You got real quiet for a while."

I felt resigned to the truth. Anders was not someone who would rather be blinded to the truth. He poked my knee as I stared out of the window with faraway eyes, "You know what's wrong with me, don't you?"

I nodded, "But there isn't anything wrong with you. Something's just happened, that's all."

He begged me, "Please tell me."

I leaned against the pillows, sliding upon my side to face him as he followed suit. With our faces only inches away, I told him what I knew, "You aren't really five. You used to be twenty-five but something happened to you and magic made you turn back into a five year old."

He took it surprisingly well when he said, "But I'm a mage! How could magic turn me back when I'm supposed to be good at it?"

I curled my hands against his cheek, stroking gently, "That's what I'm trying to work out." I pointed to the stack of books on my desk, "Those books are actually yours and I'm hoping that reading them will give me a hint on what happened to turn you back into a five year old."

His eyes widened, "I wrote those books? But they're so thick!"

I smiled, "When you're a man, you're a very talented healer and you're very good with magic. I think you were trying to do something and I'm reading your books to find out." We fell silent for a while before I told him, "I don't really like to read your private thoughts. I feel like I'm intruding, reading things I'm not supposed to but if I want to be able to help you, I'm going to have to."

"Do you know what happened yet?" Anders asked, his brows furrowed together as though trying to think.

I shook my head, "I'm not sure yet. I think I know what caused it but I'm not sure what you were trying to do."

"Huh?" came his adorable answer, a single syllable that made me giggle and kiss his forehead.

"You were trying to make a potion and I know the twenty-five year old you drank it but I'm not sure why you were making it and I think it's important to know so I can help," I explained gently.

"So… So you didn't save me from the Ferelden Circle?"

I sighed, "No, I didn't. I was coming to visit you and… I watched you transform from man to boy… I'm sorry, Anders. I didn't want to lie but-"

His mumbled reply interrupted me, "It's alright. It wasn't really you. Just… just never do it again, okay?"

I nodded, "Alright."

Small fingers traced my cheek and toyed with a curl in my hair, "Why did Fenris call me an abomination?"

I couldn't tell him about Justice. It wasn't a concept that a five year old could understand. Why could I possibly explain that as a man, he knew the difference between demons and spirits of the Fade and befriended one? What if he befriended a demon by accident in his dreams as a result? I couldn't take that risk.

I told him eventually trying to sidestep the issue, "You're not an abomination, Anders. Never think that. You and Fenris…" I trailed off.

"Do we know each other?" He asked with curiosity.

I nodded, "You knew all the people in the room. We're all kind of like a family but we do argue a lot."

Anders shrugged and huffed out, "Do I have arg'ments with Fenris?"

I nodded, "Don't worry, he won't hurt you."

Silence reigned once more as Anders slowly absorbed all the information that had been revealed to him. For a five year old, he had a way of accepting it all without quibble. I waited as the cogs in his mind turned, watching his face expressing the process of understanding. First a tiny dent between his brows, then his lips pursed before his eyes widened and he nodded a little to himself. Then he asked, "So we know each other, too?"

"Yes, we do," I wasn't sure that I liked where this was going… I didn't want him to question our relationship. I wasn't ready to deal with that. I quickly diverted his attention to something else, "Can I ask you a question?"

His finger pressed my nose before withdrawing and then shrugged as he quipped carelessly, "If you like."

I started small, "Why are you up so early?"

"I'm always up this early. The Circle makes us get up early. I woke from habit," he put it plainly but the implication was there. The harsh Circle life had been well and truly drilled into him.

I told him, "You shouldn't be up this early. A child should be allowed to sleep in until the sun is shining brightly," I didn't resist the temptation of holding him to my body, despite the knowledge that succumbing to such pleasures would give me heartache in the long run. I whispered, "It'll take a while but you can always close your eyes and go back to sleep or if you can't, you can wake me up and we can talk like this until you fall asleep again. Would you like that?"

He nodded into my collarbones, his breath against my skin lulling me into a hypnotic rhythm that made me yawn. I tried to stay awake though, knowing that I hadn't asked what I really wanted to know. I asked, "Do you want to talk about your nightmare now?"

Anders shook his head and pulled away, sitting up straight and looking out of my window. I could guess what his nightmare was about, of course, a child locked up in the Ferelden Circle crying out in his sleep for an unknown force not to hurt him? Templars. There was no other logical alternative unless the mages made it a habit to abuse their underlings which didn't really make sense.

I touched his shoulder but he shrugged me off, withdrawing from me. I told him, "I'm not going to make you tell me, Anders. That's why I asked. I'm giving you a choice to say no. All I want you to know is that you're safe with me. I will _never_ hurt you. No matter how angry I am, I will never strike you. That's not right and you need to know that what the Templars did to you was wrong. I'm not going to hit you or punish you through physical violence."

Anders refused to look at me but his countenance was softer, more relaxed than a moment before. I encouraged, "I just thought that maybe you would feel better if you shared your fears with me but you don't have to tell me now. You can tell me when you want to, when you're ready, _when you trust me enough_."

Slowly, he shifted around to face me and asked, "You won't force me?"

I shook my head, "I just want you to be happy. We'll talk about it when you can. In the meantime, maybe you should try to get some sleep. We've got a pretty big day tomorrow."

It seemed that I was right on time for he began to yawn, his mouth extending into the shape of an "O". He mumbled, "What's happening tomorrow?"

I kissed his forehead, "No five year old goes without new clothes and toys to keep himself busy, sweetie."

"What about studying magic?" came his garbled questioning.

He was trying to fight sleep so I answered the question quickly, "I've got it under good authority that you're very talented with magic as a grown up so maybe it's more important for you to learn to play."

I watched as his eyes fluttered shut, his eyelashes touching the skin of his cheeks in a half-moon crescent. His breathing deepened; his breath slightly longer than the last and knowing that he was asleep, I rose from the bed, going to my desk to continue reading. I was tired but if I had any hope of helping Anders, time would be of the essence.

_9:35, 4__th__ Guardian_

_I was helping a young girl smuggle her mage friend, Derek, out of the Gallows. His injuries were horrific. Internal and external. Raped. His flesh bearing cuts like he was meant for sharpening knives. Seeing his body made me feel sick to the stomach. I nearly retched at the sight. _

_How could that Grand Cleric actually have the gall to continue living the way she does, as though unaware of her surroundings or at the very least, indifferent to it? And to think, she was the one who put Meredith up as Knight-Commander! I don't know how she sleeps at night. _

_Yes, the struggling is getting worse. It's always been hard but there's something about each day that makes it harder. I can't carry on like this anymore. Justice and I used to agree on a lot of things but these days… there's so much anger and disapproval. It's swallowing me whole. _

_What with trying to heal Derek and watching him fight for survival, it's been a while since I've actually had time to do some research for myself. I think, for a while, the fight was easier. Maybe. I'm not even sure anymore. _

It was beginning to dawn on me that whatever Anders was trying to do, it had something to do with mages, Templars and Justice. Of course, after all these years of knowing him, I should hardly have been surprised but… what was he really up to? I continued reading.

_9:35, 30__th__ Wintermarch_

_Tilia! Why didn't I think of it before? It's a protection against spirits, evil spirits in particular but still, spirits! It's been the biggest breakthrough I've had in a while. Granted, I'm not certain that it will work but it's my best bet. In conjunction, I will be using a lot of spirit shards to aid my mind in resisting the hold of spirits. It seems to make sense but honestly, this is all trial and error. Even so, I will not be a prisoner anymore. I want to be free again. I am trapped. So trapped._

_Is it so wrong to want my life back? _

_I understand that to devote one's life to the cause of freedom for others required my sacrifice but when is the line drawn? When am I allowed my own actions? I am controlled, to some extent and I must ask, is it so wrong to want otherwise?_

I was beginning to think that perhaps, Anders was attempting to find a way of extricating himself from Justice. Could it be possible? I hurriedly continued to read.

_He berates me constantly about my affections. He feels that they are distractions but I am still human. I need affections. I need emotion. I need care. He will never understand. A spirit of Justice will never understand such_ human _concepts. He doesn't understand why people drink, why people have sex, it's all just brushed aside as _human_ frivolity. _

_Maybe that's why we shouldn't have merged in the first place. _

The conclusion was beginning to solidify in my mind. I wouldn't rest until I got a solid, definite answer but I was beginning to really think that he was drinking something that would break him and Justice apart. It made sense. Why use a protection against spirits? With Justice in his head, he wouldn't be easily possessed by demons. The feeling of revelation came unbidden but it congealed within me as I read the next lines.

_But enough, now that I think such thoughts, he berates me and I'd rather lose myself in the image of _her…_ By the Maker himself, she is beautiful. She didn't know it but I was watching her. Watching her stroll through the markets with hips swinging from side to side… what I wouldn't give to slide my hands all over her body and see her look of bliss gracing her face. _

My cheeks burned red. I should have closed the book but I did not, continuing to read because I desperately wanted to know what Anders was fantasizing about. It was wrong but perverse pleasures beckoned and where it concerned Anders, though the little version was asleep in my bed, I couldn't resist temptation.

_I can almost see it now… head tipped back, a flush caressing down her skin, back arched… She'd taste like a dream… I'd trail down her body and kiss each section of her skin that was exposed to me… I'd caress and touch, grip and feather, I'd slide a finger into her and watch her face change, her inner warmth welcoming me… It'd be beyond divine._

The ache that grew between my thighs made me squirm in the chair and in my mind, I was beginning to imagine his hands all over me, part gentle, part needy, part rough…

_I'd possess her, pushing my finger as deep as it will allow and pulling out…slow…hot… I'd make her feel every ridge of my knuckles… I'd make her mewl with want…I wouldn't rest until her entire body shook with need, her voice crying out with pure desire… I wouldn't rest until her body exploded before me, time and time again, her cream dripping out of her… And then, when she's at that precipice… crying out for me to stop, begging me to give her more… I'd bury myself into her until I become so much a piece of her, she'd never let me go…_

The writing grew jagged towards the end, his words angular and frenzied. It wasn't hard to imagine what he was doing and the thought made a fresh blush rise to my face. I leaned back into my chair, rubbing my legs together to give myself a little relief. It didn't work.

Then his writing was normal again, calm, neat and clean.

_It never gets easier. She haunts my dreams every night. I am constantly haunted it seems. In the day, by Justice. In the night, by her. But it will never be. She is the goddess of my dreams and I am but a selfish man. She is the angel that gives me peace but I can only bring her burdens. _

_It has been long, these last years. So long… too long… I've watched from afar and these emotions that have been locked in my chest… It seems I am constantly searching reprieve. Reprieve from Justice. Reprieve from her but only because I cannot have her completely. Maybe if this potion works, I could consider being with her but I fear that just as my anger twisted Justice, I will twist her beauty into something ugly. _

_I do not deserve her._

I put the book down, my elbows on the desk and my face in my hands. So much inner hatred, hatred at one's self. It was suffocating him. It was suffocating me. I longed to see that devilish gleam in his eyes, the gleam that had almost altogether faded away. I saw it now and again, when he delivered a new child into the world, seeing the tiny limbs kicking away, fighting for strength and breath. Sometimes, I saw it when he looked at me but it never lasted long. Only for a second. I wished he would love me… but me, beautiful? I am but an ugly duckling next to Isabela's womanly figure. Was she not every man's wet dream? Unattached, ready for no strings attached sex, she knew tricks that made men wild… that was not me.

It took a while to recover from what I was reading. My face slid from my hands down to my forearms and I sat there, trying to convince myself to keep reading. It wasn't supposed to be about me. It was about Anders. I couldn't pull away from the book every time he mentioned a girl that wasn't me.

_9:35, 28__th__ Wintermarch_

_I've found a new book on herbs and other magical remedies from the Black Emporium. Maybe that will help my search. It has been over a week of reading and I haven't found anything useful. After all this time, I'm starting to give up. There is no cure for me anymore. This is the last book I will read. After that, I surrender. Justice can use my empty husk of a body to do whatever he wants. I won't be alive to see it anyway._

Yes, it was starting to make sense. All his words – he was trying to separate himself from Justice! I wasn't sure whether to be horrified or gleeful. Horrified that he would try something so dangerous but gleeful that he'd have his old life back. I kept reading.

_I'm adding Frostrock and other little knick-knacks like lyrium dust to keep my magical talents alive. I'm not sure it will work but what the hell, in for a copper, in for a sovereign. _

_9:35, 22__nd__ Wintermarch_

_Starting to rethink the nightshade. Don't think that herb is useful in the long run. I think I just got desperate and decided to shove that in the other night. I don't know how a herb used in dilating eyes could be useful for my predicament. Then again, maybe it was the ale that Varric had me drinking but none of the herbs I wrote seemed useful. _

_What was I thinking?_

_I lost a patient the other night. I was so close. A new baby was brought into the world without its mother. The mother haemorrhaged. She died before the contractions were even close enough. She didn't even get to the pushing stage. The baby is healthy and the father was incredibly thankful that the baby was alive… but the mother was lost. If only the poor were given a little more… surely clean facilities, food and water is not so hard to come by. These problems could have been dealt with but in Kirkwall, there is no justice for anyone aside from the rich. _

I continued through his ramblings, his frustrated words and mangled sentences, reading through the research process and the ever self-deprecating tone. He was so unhappy and he never really shared it with anyone. Though he made his displeasure about the mage situation clear to anyone who would listen, he had more burdens to bear than those. He hated losing lives and he poured his heart and soul into healing others. Bethany was right. In many ways, Anders was and is quite similar to Father. I think that if Father were still alive, he would really enjoy having Anders around.

Eventually, I found Anders' purpose. It was just as I had predicted.

_9:35, 1__st__ Wintermarch_

_Well, happy new year to me – I nearly killed an innocent girl. I lost control. Justice flared at the sight of Alrik… at the smell of him. Justice told me that he could taste the taint from the man and I was so overwhelmed by the righteous need to defend, the blind hatred that Justice took over. _

_Alrik _was_ despicable. He was a man who Tranquilised mages and then raped them. Justice could sense a virgin's blood still on his – The thought makes me sick. But I was just as much a monster… I nearly killed her, a young girl who wanted to visit her mother. If Hawke hadn't been there… I would have killed everyone. If she… I don't know how to handle myself anymore. The way I try to take control, the more it slips from me. _

_Hawke is here… she wants to speak to me._

_The Tranquil Solution ended with Alrik. That makes what I am even more unforgivable. That makes what I have done, almost done, all the more unforgivable. It must end. _

_Justice and I… the idea was noble but… the results have been disastrous. Someone must win. Someone must lose. After everything that has happened to Justice, I'm not sure it should be him that wins. It'd be too dangerous. _

_She held me. I couldn't believe her. I'm not sure whether to call her brave or stupid. Doesn't she understand the danger of being around me? What was she doing trying to comfort me?_

_It must end. I will do research, read, do whatever it takes – Justice and I must be separated. _

And there it was, the beginning of everything sitting right there on the page. I closed the book with a conclusive thump, stacking it neatly upon Anders' other books. I cupped my chin with my hands, wondering how even the knowledge of what Anders was attempting could help me in the slightest but I tried to encourage myself; it was the first step and first steps were very important in anything one did.

I sat at the table for hours, trying to absorb the information despite the fact that nothing needed to be digested at all. It was simple. Anders wanted to separate with Justice and tried to create a potion. It backfired and turned him into a child. It was a simple truth but I was worried. What if I couldn't turn him back into the man? What then? I had no qualms about taking care of him until he grew up but who would teach him how to be a mage? The skills of teaching were my father's. Not my own.

Then there were all the things that I still had to do. Feynriel. Yevhen's sons. Lowtown thugs. Hightown thugs. Going to the Black Emporium looking for a re-aging potion. Going to the First-Enchanter, but how? What if the Templars were alerted to Anders' presence in my home? They would take him.

That wasn't something I could live with.

Then there were things with little Anders as well. What about his nightmares? What about doing all the things I needed to do whilst looking after Anders? Was it even possible? I was only beginning to gain his trust, I didn't dare shatter that by leaving him on his own but I couldn't bring him along to all the fighting I did on a daily basis.

The most important of all – I really wanted to make Anders happy. I wanted to give him the childhood he deserved. I knew nothing about looking after children, not really. I wanted Anders to feel safe with me.

In some ways, I felt like I was for doomed to failure.

* * *

><p>AN: I'm hoping to update continually on a daily basis but now that spring break has finished for me, my assignments may have to take priority. I will, however, do my best to post regularly. I really hoped you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading. As always, please read and review.

Love, Ann


	6. The Truths of Simple Happiness

**Chapter Six – The Truths of Simple Happiness**

_Hales_

When the day had truly begun and Mother had left the house, Anders began to whimper in his sleep. Nightmares. The frequency was disturbing. I sat on what I deemed as 'his side of the bed' and gently shook him awake before his nightmare could get any worse. Frightened eyes snapped open and his body jolted; I hushed him gently, "It was just a dream, Anders… just a dream."

I slid my hands into his hair and lightly tickled his scalp, which made him slowly relax and one by one, I watched his limbs loosen and the fear fade away from his eyes until he was comfortable enough to close them and enjoy my gentle ministrations. I encouraged, "Are you feeling alright, sweetie?"

A contented noise purred from the back of his throat, his head shifting up and down. He murmured, "My mama used to do that when I was little."

I kissed the top of his head and murmured, "You're still very little, you know."

Anders sat up as he protested, "The Templars and the mages said that-"

I curled my fingers under his chin and tilted his head up to look at me. I told him, "You're not in the Ferelden Circle anymore. Don't worry about what they've said. Think about what you think is right."

He was silent for a while, trying to think about a suitable response. He stood on the bed and took two steps to the side and then walking back. It was rather cute, the way he imitated an adult-like pacing. Eventually, he settled for, "But five is as big as I've ever been my _whole_ life!"

I smiled, a serene warmth seeping into my bones, "But it isn't as big as you'll ever be… one day, you'll be thirty, forty, fifty…" As I counted, his eyes grew big and wide. It was as though he had never contemplated the potential age he could be. For the first time, innocence shone through and with a short giggle that made his eyes slightly squinty, he nodded and said, "I guess that five is pretty little, huh?"

I tickled his stomach, causing him to roll around the bed, peals of laughter spilling from his lips as he hastily panted for breath between each bout of giggle. He squealed, the piercing loudness echoing throughout the room before he gasped for breath and begged, "Ha- Hales… sttt-stop! Need to…need-, to wee!"

The surprise made me stop. To hear Anders say something like "need to wee" was so fascinating to me that I began to giggle too and he launched himself at me, trying to tickle at my underarms and stomach. I caught him and tickled back until both of us were tired out and panting. We lay on the bed sideways and I turned my head to look at him to ask, "Breakfast in bed?"

He quickly got onto his feet and jumped for joy, happiness bringing out a healthy flush in his face. It was so bright that it took my breath away and I finally understood why so many people talked about having children. There was joy in seeing a child's smile, in hearing a child's laughter. Then he nodded in a no-nonsense manner, "But I need to wee first."

I laughed but he seemed to recognize that there was no malice behind it, "I'll call for Oranna. In the meantime, can you do without me for a few moments? I'll be downstairs getting breakfast. When you're done, you can wait for me on the bed and I'll come up with heaps of food. How's that?"

The dubious look was back, sharply contrasting to the child I saw earlier but I knew that trust came slowly and in baby steps. I encouraged, "I'll be right back. I'm not going to leave you in my bedroom, hungry and without food."

The cogs turned in his mind and I could see the little dent between his brows, the lips pursing, the widening eyes and then the tiny nod he made to himself. He said with a little hesitation, "Alright then."

I felt a smile bloom on my face and it must have surprised him for he seemed so taken aback. I didn't question it but asked, "Favourite food?"

He shrugged, "I don't know… I guess I must not have one," he looked to his feet, shuffling back and forth. I replied kindly, "Not to worry, you'll find one before the day is out."

Anders positively beamed and to show his gratitude, he put his two hands upon my cheeks and kissed my nose, "Thank you!" he cried out.

I ruffled his cornflower hair and went downstairs, humming to myself as I went. Breakfast then became an incredibly varied affair with poor Bodahn preparing as many different types of breakfast foods as possible. I apologized profusely after explaining the situation but Bodahn waved me off, telling me that it was important for baby Anders to understand what being happy was all about.

Loaded with an overstuffed tray of food, I carefully carried it upstairs, making sure the milk and juice wouldn't tip. There was a bit of everything. Pancakes, fruits, beans, scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, bacon and crunchy chocolate chip cookies that Oranna had baked fresh that morning.

When I opened the door, Anders was standing on the bed, shuffling nervously and unsure. I called out, "Here we go! Food!" His expression turned to part happiness mixed with shock and even his response was a little mangled, "You're here- what is all that?"

I laughed, "Of course I'm here. I said I would be, didn't I?" and gently put the tray down at the foot of the bed. He plopped down in front of the tray, still staring at the vast array of food displayed. I lay out on my stomach beside him and he smiled down at me. He murmured, "I wasn't sure… I feel really great that you're here though," he confessed. It seemed like a good time to explain the situation, "You know, I might not always be around. Sometimes, I might have to go do things but I'll always come home, sweetie. I'm not going to leave you."

He tilted his head to the side and queried, "You… have work?"

I nodded, "Not everyday and not always but sometimes, I have to help other people."

Anders seemed really unsure and asked me, "Can I come? Can I help?"

The answer was really no but I couldn't say no to him either. I answered tactfully, "Well, it depends on the job. Sometimes, it gets a bit dangerous and I would rather you be safe," I saw his mouth open and hurried on to cut him off, "but you know," I moved in closer to him like I was letting him in on a special secret, "I own a mine in the mountains and I need to go there soon. Did you want to come?"

He bounced on the bed, causing the milk to slosh dangerously close to the edge and exclaimed, "Yes!" Then he said sagely, "So you'll take me with you when you can but even when you can't, you won't leave me here on my own. You'll come back."

I nodded, "But it isn't like you'll actually be on your own. Mother will be here. Or Oranna. Or Sandal. Or Bodahn. You met them last night, did you like them?"

Anders nodded, "Oranna makes very nice cookies. And Sandal is very nice to me, too."

I smiled, "You could play with Sandal. And you met Isabela and Varric last night, they are good people, too. I could have them come over and play with you when I'm not around?"

"Play?" the concept was so unfamiliar to Anders. I told him resolutely, "We're going out later to go buy toys and new clothes for you. And we'll play all day long. If we're lucky, maybe we can get others to join in."

It was beginning, the slow exploration of how to be a child. I could see the little seed planted inside his head and beginning to sprout. He was beginning to understand that a child's life was very different to the life he had in the Circle. I motioned to the food, "Let's eat!"

Anders didn't know where to start so I started for him. I tore a piece of pancake with my fingers and dipped it generously into the syrup and held it out for him to try it. He was instantly in love with the new flavours. Everything was a new discovery just waiting to be tested. I fed him beans with a spoon, he fed me a potato with cautious hands. I forked pieces of melon and other fruit for him to try and sticky fingers reached to feed me more pancake. Each time, his eyes widened with new experience. Each discovery was tentative but his fascination grew and soon, he began to pick things up on his own, not needing me to introduce new things to him. Anders was growing right before my very eyes.

How we managed to finish so much food, I can never be sure but every last crumb had indeed been finished and every drop of liquid, whether juice or milk, had been slurped away with enthusiasm. Somehow, the act of eating breakfast became incredibly new to me. It was like I was eating the foods I knew for the very first time and despite the fact that both of us lay on the bed, groaning about how much we had eaten and how we were never going to get up out of the bed, the thought of shopping had us up on our feet in no time, dressed and ready to go out.

Anders held onto my hand tightly at first, a little disoriented and lost. He asked me, "Why didn't it look like this last night?"

I explained, "At night time, people go home and sleep. They pack up their stalls and go home. In the morning, they reset their stalls, put all the items they are going to sell out on display and people go shopping."

We walked around Hightown, letting him familiarize himself with people, both adults and children. He watched people call out to others, shouting and yelling prices and haggling between buyers and sellers. Baby Anders was jumpy at first, clutching onto my hand harder every time a stray shout or gossiping women surprised him but as I explained throughout the morning how society functioned, how people earned money by selling so they could feed their own families or buy things for themselves, he began to understand and relaxed enough to giggle at a few large noble females squawking about the latest scandal.

Early afternoon began to greet us and we had yet to buy anything. I took Anders to the Hanged Man for some specialized help from Isabela and Varric. I had an ulterior motive, of course, I desperately wanted to reacquaint Anders with friends and let him adjust to being comfortable around people and in his own skin.

Isabela was, as usual, drinking in her corner of the room talking to Varric, who was leaning against the counter of the bar. Anders was enthusiastic enough to tug at Isabela's boots and ask in child-like innocence, "'Bela, why aren't you wearing pants? I can see your underwear!"

I covered my laughter behind my hand and Varric coughed to hide his snigger but of course, Isabela was not fooled. Even so, she bent down and kissed Anders on his cheeks in greeting and pouted, "I don't like wearing pants! It's breezier this way," before lifting him from the floor and sitting him down on the bar table. Anders exclaimed loudly, "Just wear robes and don't wear underwear. That's_ really _breezy."

For the sake of not hurting Anders' feelings, the three of us stifled our laughter with varying degrees of difficulty and Varric muttered to me, "Blondie will never live this down."

I interrupted at this point, not wanting Anders to say any other comments that might potentially turn heads in the tavern. I said pointedly, "We need help with shopping. New clothes, the rough and tumble kind and toys. Lots of toys."

Isabela leered at me, "What kind?"

I rolled my eyes and Anders asked, "How many kinds are there, 'Bela?"

She winked at him and said, "Way too many… come on, let's go spend some money."

I tossed her my coin-pouch and she caught it, single-handedly whilst I picked Anders off the table and carried him, following Isabela and Varric throughout Lowtown markets. The day had gone well. Anders had actually become very comfortable. He tugged us along from stall to stall, looking at all the toys that had been created, the puzzles, the wooden blocks that could be built into tall towers or dragons, the large ships and wooden duckies. Any time he showed interest in something, I nodded to Isabela who haggled and paid for me. I made sure he had a wooden duck for bath time and bought lots of soaps that could bubble and foam in the water.

During that time, I mostly stayed quiet, allowing him to bond with Isabela and Varric. To my intense relief, Isabela had been very capable of keeping everything she said clean, not ever slipping into habit of talking about vulgar things at all. Varric kept Anders entertained with stories about mighty dragons and Gray Wardens that saved the world from Dawkspawn and it was reassuring, if slightly heartbreaking, to see Anders easily letting go of my hand to latch onto Varric's.

In the late afternoon, we stopped at the clothing stores where a portly old woman stood him onto a small stool and began to measure him. At first, he flinched, unsure as to what she was doing but when I explained to him that she needed to take his measurements so she could begin making new clothes for him, he eventually relaxed. It allowed the woman to do her job and allowed Isabela, Varric and I to talk in slightly hushed tones.

I told them, "I've read enough to know what he's done to himself at least. He was trying to make a potion to separate himself from Justice. I've got a list of ingredients, measurements and instructions. Now, I need to find out how to turn him back into a twenty-five year old."

Varric shrugged, "Black Emporium. That slime covered, old geezer has a bunch of crazy things in his shop. If there's anything to be found that'll help Blondie, it'll be there."

I nodded, "If that fails, I'm thinking of getting to the First Enchanter but I'm leaving that as a last resort. I don't want people finding out that Anders is a mage child. It won't end well."

Isabela offered, "I can keep some Templars off your back if you like."

I quirked an eyebrow and she explained, "The Blooming Rose offers _many, many_ services. They'll keep them distracted enough."

I nodded, "Whatever you can do is much appreciated," I glanced at Anders for a moment, making sure he was still comfortable before I continued, "I'm also hoping that the two of you won't mind spending time with Anders. He's starting to trust me and the two of you as well and he's opening up to the idea that I can't spend every minute awake with him. I didn't give him specifics but he knows I have jobs to do."

Isabela frowned, "Do you think it's wise to tell a five year old what you do?"

I shook my head, "I'm not telling him anything. I just said I have jobs. The only details I have given him are about the mine and that I'll take him there when I can. It'll be mostly safe and I'm not required to kill anything. It's just an inspection."

We all turned guilty eyes towards Anders, not sure whether to tell him the truth or leave him in ignorant bliss but Varric reminded me, "Considering the enemies you attract, you might have to tell him eventually."

I sighed with slight exasperation, "I know. I will if it comes to that. I don't know how though."

"Don't you worry," he petted my hand, "I'll take care of that when the time comes."

"It might not be necessary," not once removing my eyes from Anders, "he seems rather taken with the people at home. I think that as long as he keeps occupied and has people to play with, we should be alright. I'm a bit worried about how to make a trip into the Deep Roads to help Yevhen's sons but the rest of the jobs I can do. I just need a little help from the two of you."

Isabela looked at me shrewdly, "I don't mind at all. I promised to help and I will but why us?"

I bit my lip, gnawed and chewed before I spat out, "I don't think I need to explain Fenris. Aveline is busy as Guard-Captain and I'm not so sure she really knows what to do with a child hanging around. I don't really want Sebastian teaching him about the Chantry's teachings. Maker knows, Anders has had enough of that. Merrill… well, I have no problems with but…"

I trailed off, unsure and guilty that I was badmouthing my friends. Varric waved my words, "Its fine. Don't fret. We don't really want Blondie to start brooding or chanting or well, doing blood magic either."

I offered, "You know, why don't you guys come over for meals and such? Invite the others as well. I really want Anders to be comfortable around people."

Isabela wrapped two arms around me from behind and gently kissed my shoulder, "Don't stress, Hawke. You're doing the best you can."

I leaned my head against her shoulder, "You know, I'm taking your advice. I'm writing a diary so that I can almost remember and enjoy Anders as a child."

The seamstress promised to deliver the new clothes within the next few days and soon, with boxfuls of new toys, we began to walk back home. Along the entrances of Lowtown, I found a young girl selling a litter of new kittens. Was there any doubt that Anders fell to his knees in front of the box of kittens, stroking each one and exclaiming at the soft fur?

Anders had the sweetest countenance, his fingers trailing through the fur as he very gently picked up a fluffy, black cat that seemed particularly taken with his petting. It was then that Isabela slipped as she quipped, "Well, it seems that Anders' talent at making pussy purr started at a very young age."

I smacked my forehead as she shrugged, completely unapologetic at what she said. I told her, "That is the kind of information that I really do not want to know."

She rolled her eyes, "Oh relax. He and I never actually-", when I glared at her, she rolled her eyes again and said, "_you know_. He just did this electricity thing on me briefly and that… was _very good_ for my-", my elbowed hitting her ribs made her crack up with laughter.

Varric cottoned onto the implications of what Isabela was saying though. He looked at me with a calculative gleam in his eyes as he asked, "Are you sweet on Blondie?"

My only response was to kneel down beside Anders as Isabela nodded behind my back and I ask him gently, "Do you want the kitten, sweetie?"

Anders looked at me from under the bangs of his hair and nodded but said, "You don't have to. You've bought me so much already."

I smiled and lightly carded my hands into his hair, "If you like her, we'll take her."Armed with a black kitten upon his shoulder that kept rubbing its whiskers against his cheek, Anders took my hand and together, we all walked home.

Anders and I stashed all his new toys in the corner of my room, his new kitten, that he named Ser Silkie for her soft fur, happily purring in front of the bedroom fire next to Widge. Anders had little time to play with his toys that day, as he began yawning part-way through dinner. Though he seemed to really get into bath time, in which, the two of us sat in the tub filled with bubbles to the brim and played with Anders' new wooden duck and sailboat, he eventually slumped against me and promptly fell asleep in the bathtub. I dried him carefully, not wanting to wake him up and with a little help from Oranna, had him dressed and covered by sheets. His hair was still damp as it lay over the pillows and I played with it for a while, letting the strands flop between my fingers. It seemed that even as a child, Anders had slightly longer hair than most boys did but it suited him. It was a little tousled, a little rugged and perfect just the way it was.

_9:35, 21__st__ Guardian_

_Dear Anders,_

_It's been a pretty fascinating day, a real turn around from yesterday. You woke really early, too early for any child to be up. Circle life must have been really strict. I'm glad I was never a part of the Circle. We talked a lot, I really wanted to gain your trust as a child. You seemed a little scared, like you weren't sure whether you wanted answers or if you just wanted to pretend but you were very brave, asking questions like an adult without being rude about it either. I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like you._

_I found out what made you like this. I read backwards and find the first entry that started the whole thing – the day we killed Alrik. You had so many burdens on you, I wished you would share them with me but I want to be more than just a friend to you. I want to be a partner, the kind of person you want to share your whole world with but alas, that will never be in the cards for me. _

_I also read that entry. You were talking about the experience of touching a girl. Your writing got all jagged towards the end. It takes little imagination to know what you were doing. Well, that's not strictly true, in some ways, there was a lot of imagination happening but I won't go into detail. _

_The more important parts are how you opened up. You woke up and you felt lost and unsure of yourself. I think you were scared that I'd actually leave you on your own when I promised you breakfast. Just so you know, I don't think I'll ever let you live down the "need to wee" incident. Then again, Varric probably won't let you live down the asking Isabela about why she didn't wear pants thing either. _

_I introduced you to what seemed to be many new foods and many new experiences. You were brave in your own way and I was watching you grow up right before my eyes, second by second. You walked through Hightown with me and at first, you were so nervous, so jumpy. I was so worried that you would be so frightened but you really put yourself out there and I'm very proud of you. _

_I think the pinnacle was when you were comfortable enough to let go of my hand without knowing it and grabbing Varric's. It's so nice to see you comfortable in your own skin. For a while, I wasn't sure you would be. Sometimes, you get this look in your eye, that's so dubious and suspicious and I know it's because someone broke a promise and hurt you very badly. I hate that. The thought makes me so angry. No five year old deserves that kind of treatment. _

_Another highlight was your acceptance. I told you about how I had to work and that I couldn't always spend time with you and you were so understanding. You were really willing to give me a chance to try and trust me. It was very heart warming for me and I promise that I'd never hurt you or break my promises or lie to you. I care too much for you. _

_We bought you a cat today. In some ways, Ser Silkie is your first cat. You really have a thing for knighting your pets, don't you? When we were there, I was very humbled by how you were willing though reluctant to let go of the new furry friend you'd made but love, don't you see? If it meant seeing you smile like that with such brilliance, I would have saddled any demon for you if you asked._

_You fell asleep in the bathtub. I think you were actually trying to fight it for a while, too enthralled by bubbles and new toys to actually close your eyes but eventually, you just slumped, too exhausted by today's activities. _

_You're asleep now and I suppose that I should be getting some too. I know that when the sun comes up tomorrow that reality has to set in and I can't have a little boy called Anders living with me for the rest of my life but it was a wonderful distraction whilst it lasted. _

_Tomorrow, I'm going to go to the Black Emporium. If the little you is ready, I'll take you along. Maybe the owner of the shop will know of something that can help you. _

_By the way, you told me yesterday that your name is Theodore. Why don't you ever use that name?_

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

I blew out the candles without thought and settled besides Anders, cuddling into his warmth and the vast array of pillows that lay about the bed. I fell asleep dreaming about his happy smiles.

* * *

><p>AN: As always, I hoped you enjoyed! Please R&R!

Love, Ann


	7. The Truths About Our Past

**Chapter 7 – The Truths About Our Past**

_Hales_

The bed was trembling, shaking and the sheets were ripped from my body. As the heavy grip of sleep began to loosen, I tried to pull the blankets over my body but I couldn't find them. Then whimpering caught my ear, soft whining echoing in an oddly muted way. For a moment, I thought it was my imagination or that perhaps, I was dreaming… and then my eyes snapped wide open.

Anders.

I found a twisted lump of sheets and blankets tangled all around Anders' body and as I lifted some of the material off his head, small fists were hitting the bed, his legs kicking violently albeit hindered by the knotted sheets. To my surprise, small purple and blue sparks were floating all over his body and I recognized the electricity spell. He was subconsciously using spells to defend himself from his phantom attacker.

I pulled him from the mess, dragging him into a sitting position whilst his fists hammered at my shoulders, light shocks coursing into my body. It was painful, static but I endured as I supported the back of his head with my hands and cried out, "Wake up, Anders. Anders."

The fist that would have met my shoulders paused half way and he finally opened his eyes, looking around him in confusion. When his eyes locked onto mine, his confusion had not dissipated and he asked me, "Where am I?"

I cupped his cheeks and murmured, "You're in our bedroom." Our bedroom… in the course of a day, my room had become "ours". It almost made me smile. I put him down and he crossed his legs, sitting upright.

"Oh."

I crossed my legs too, ensuring that the nightgown didn't expose anything unseemly and said in a soft voice, "Anders, I think now is as good a time as any to talk about your nightmares."

He tried to deny me at first, "I don't have any nightmares."

I tilted my head to the side and quirked an eyebrow, giving him a dubious look. Anders exhaled with defeat and as I leaned against my headboard, I gestured for him. Without hesitation, he crawled onto my lap, his head on chest. He told me, "I can hear your heartbeat."

I stroked his head, "So that should tell you I'm real. Dreams don't have heartbeats. I do. I'll protect you but you need to tell me what your bad dreams are about. Otherwise, I can't make them go away."

Anders clutched at my nightdress and pouted, his lower lip jutting out in defiance, "I don't want to."

I stared down into his warm brown eyes and told him, "You don't have to and I won't force you but I think you'll feel better if you tell me."

He looked around himself surreptitiously and whispered, "I'm not supposed to tell anyone," squeezing his eyes shut and trying to bury himself into me, his body beginning to shake.

I tried to be gentle, I tried to phrase it better but the truth was ugly and no amount of sugar coating would hide its stark bleakness, "Did someone hurt you and threaten you into not telling?"

Though I thought it impossible, Anders body tensed up even more before he nodded stiffly once.

I breathed in and out, trying to calm myself. It wouldn't do to scare Anders even more. I tried for a hushed tone but it came out slightly strained, "It's very wrong for someone to hurt you. It's also wrong for them to make you keep it a secret. No one should be hurting you."

My hands continually stroked his back, letting first his strands of hair fall through my fingers before sliding down his back. The pattern continued until his dared to look up at me. He mumbled, "He said he'd…"

When he trailed off uncertainly, I supplied, "Did a Templar threaten you?"

Tears began to stream down his face, his eyes welling up with moisture and spilling. The sobs wracked his body as he tried to tell me, "He said he'd break me bone by bone if he had to."

The mana welled within me and it took every effort to keep it at bay. My voice was calm but there was an edge of steel. Luckily, Anders didn't seem to catch it as I said, "I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. No Templar will _ever _touch you again."

I waited for him to respond and it took a few minutes, as he absorbed what I was saying. Then he began to speak when the sobs faded away but no sooner than he started, the sobs started again. I knew how frightened he was and listened patiently, constantly stroking his head, face or back to let him know that I was there.

"I didn't go to bed at the right time. I forgot. I was in the library and the Templar found me. Esvra. He…He grabbed me and threw me over his shoulders. I was so scared. He was really angry. He took me to the dungeon and it was so cold. He hit me with the back of his hand and then kicked my stomach. And… and there was…" Anders shivered, but not from the cold. It was pure fear that ran through his veins. I slid the blankets over our bodies anyway, trying to give him comfort and threw a fireball into the fireplace grate to give us a little light to frighten the shadows away.

"There was what, sweetie?"

He mumbled something into me, something that I needed time to work out. I thought for certain that he had misspoken or maybe, I had misheard but after silence filled the room for a few moments, the horror sunk in as I truly understood what he was saying. His mumblings were something to the likes of, "a dead body down there" and "leg torn off".

I clutched him to me tightly, wanting the whole world to disappear so I could forever protect him in the moment. I feared the sun's rising. I feared for him. Anders continued to shudder and the room smelt of terror and panic, his tears continued to pour down his face and his body shook as he hiccuped through the rest of his story, "He told me that if I didn't want to end up like that, I'd keep my mouth shut. Then he hit me again… and it hurt so bad that I fell asleep."

I leaned back, trying to keep the tears within, rocking the little boy forward and back and hushing lightly through my own constricted throat. We stayed that way for a very long time just sitting there as we both cried until there wasn't much more that Anders could give. I took a handkerchief from the bedside table and pushed him back a little so I could dry his tears and blow his nose.

Anders looked at me with sad eyes and I said intently but consolingly, "What he did was wrong. To take advantage of a child and abuse one's position… that is unforgivable. Do you understand?"

There was a slight cautiousness in his nod and to fight against it, I said with force, "I will keep you safe from all Templars, whether in your dreams or in real life. No one will ever hurt you again."

Anders nodded again, this time with trust and without hesitation and I wasn't entirely sure why I cried but a few tears streamed down. He stood up upon my lap, took my face between his hands and with child-like innocence, kissed each tear away from my cheek. I was surprised, it was not the kind of movement one expected from a child but I smiled, understanding the kindness behind the action. He explained, "I saw my Da do that for Mama when she was crying. I'll protect you, Hales. Please don't be sad."

I hugged him close, inhaling the scent of my soap that was still clinging onto his skin and then asked him, "Do you think you're ready for some more sleep?"

He nodded with enthusiasm, rolling onto his side of the bed and fell asleep promptly and without ceremony. I envied him for I knew I would not find sleep. I rubbed my face tiredly and lit the lantern on my desk, staring at Anders' books but unwilling to open them. I had found the purpose of the potion and lifting the bottle of purple substance, I mused to myself that I no longer had any right to Anders' private thoughts and feelings. I needed something… and what that something was, I could never be sure. I think that in some ways, I felt the need to share what I had learnt or to vent or express the emotional turmoil I felt within. I felt distressed, incapable for I could not change the past. I could not change Anders' past, only help erase the fear but he would always have the memory and I hated that, the anger and wrath was boiling within me and I wanted to strike out at someone. I buried my face in my hands.

A soft noise interrupted my gloominess but when I looked around, there was nothing and no one. The same noise echoed about again but this time, I was certain it was in my room. It came again and again until I realized that someone was throwing pebbles at my window. I frowned to myself, surely I had no suitors who would dare such a bold move at so late an hour and as I looked out, I was right. It was Fenris.

Without thought, I ran downstairs and rushed outside to see him. Upstairs, with hardly any light, I did not see what he was wearing. I stared at him. Gone was the routine armour and mighty broadsword. Instead, he was wearing very casual clothes, a soft linen shirt and brown pants. He still didn't wear any shoes but a brown cape was thrown around his shoulders. Then I noticed his hair, tousled and sticking up at odd angles.

I grinned, "You're dressed differently," and then knowingly, I sniffed at his neck. He tried to shy away but the scent of Isabela's perfume lay traitorously on his skin and I laughed, "And you smell like Isabela. Have a good night?" I teased.

Fenris fidgeted for a moment, guilty and shifty before defiantly saying, "It was adequate."

"Adequate?" I laughed at him, "Ouch. I feel sorry for Isabela."

"Do not tease, Valentha and do not change the subject," he eyed me critically. I wasn't aware that I had changed any subject but then he said, "What are you doing up so late?"

I sighed and stared at an interesting crack in the ground. He wouldn't take any of it. With deft but coarse hands, he lifted my chin so our eyes locked and circled the shadows that were surely underneath my eyes. "You need rest," he said simply and in the same tone continued, "the boy is giving you problems." It was a statement not a question.

I tried to deny it, "He's very well behaved and delightful to have around. He isn't problematic." I defended Anders.

He shook his head, "You will tell me what is happening."

A breeze chilled my arms and I shivered. I think it was then that he noticed what I was wearing. It was a very thin nightdress, a shift that came to about my knees and left my arms mostly bare. He frowned and undid his cape, throwing it around my shoulders. There was an odd glint in his eye as he questioned, "This is what you wear to bed? I think Isabela might be wearing more than you."

I rolled my eyes and grinned, "Considering what the two of you were just doing, I'm sure she was wearing much less."

"Point taken," he said dryly, "Now. Talk. What is the mage up to?"

I told him, "Nothing. It's late, you need sleep."

My avoiding the subject was beginning to irritate him and he growled out in warning. I shook my head and gestured to the house, the both of us walking into the library where we could talk undisturbed. Immediately, he fussed with the fireplace, putting fresh logs onto the grate and then looking at me pointedly. I threw a fireball into the grate where immediately, the flames fanned heat and light into the room.

The two of us lay on the rug in front of the fire. I shrugged, "The Circle has given him bad memories. I don't want to say too much but he wakes up before the crack of dawn, he stares at normal food like wonders to be had and he has nightmares."

"Ah," said Fenris simply. I rubbed my temple, "He had it that night at the Hanged Man. He had it this morning before breakfast and just then as well. There was some Templar violence in his past."

I think Fenris meant to comfort when he said, "There is always violence when it comes to him and Templars," as he readjusted himself, lying beside me and throwing a comforting arm over my waist as I faced the fire, my back against his chest.

"I know," I replied easily, "but there are things that five year olds shouldn't see. You and I see dead bodies regularly because of what we do but five year olds living in the Circle? It doesn't seem right."

"It isn't, Valentha but that's the way it is. You needn't be miserable over things you cannot change. What's more, the mage boy may find out what you do. It might be best to prepare him for that."

It was the truth, what Fenris said. It was no more than what others had suggested but still, I hated it. I told him, "He seems fine with the idea of being home with Bodahn and the others whilst I need to go and do whatever. We'll burn that bridge when we come to it," the thought then struck me, "I need to go to the Black Emporium tomorrow. Will you come with me?"

I felt him nuzzle my neck from behind, "As you wish," his voice husky and deep.

The room became quiet, only the slight hisses and pops of the fire echoing in the room. I turned in Fenris' arms, so that we were almost nose to nose and asked him, "So what is happening between you and Isabela?"

He shrugged with one shoulder, "Sex. Nothing more or less."

"That's it?" I groaned, "Don't you believe in feelings?"

Fenris smiled, a small and amused but genuine smile. He muttered, "You need to meet the right person for that. Just like you had to meet the mage."

I groaned out louder, "Tell Isabela something and she tells the whole world."

"What did you expect?" said Fenris, "Did you think she could actually keep her lips sealed over that? Although, it takes very little to work out your feelings towards the abomination," he snarled out the last part.

I smiled and lightly tapped his cheek, "Don't be like that. He's volatile but he's not a bad man."

Fenris shrugged again, "I will only admit this once. I am not worried about his morals, he is… for the most part, a man without ill will, that is, if you discount the Templars. However, I worry about his… counterpart."

I nodded, "I know but if it is any consolation, the potion was meant for separation him and Justice."

"I see," said Fenris. Then he asked, "Why him?"

I yawned out tiredly, "I don't think I had much choice in the matter."

His arms wrapped tighter around me in the effort of keeping me warm. I felt his lips brush against my forehead in a show of affection and I began to drift into the Fade.

In the morning, I was still comfortably snuggled against Fenris, sleeping too deeply to allow even the movements of Oranna and Bodahn to disturb me. Anders found us asleep in the library and apparently, from what Fenris said, Anders had poked Fenris in the face until he woke up. The good news was that despite the fact that I was not in the room with Anders, he was comfortable enough to wander around the house until he came across me. The bad news was I was still curled up with Fenris.

Anders' eyes were beady, cool and something that was reminiscent to being utterly in control of himself as he watched Fenris wake me up with stroking fingers and hushed murmurs. Baby Anders was not particularly pleased and his all too adult-like stare was a little disconcerting for me first thing in the morning. When I had woken up, I tried to smile at Anders and crooked my fingers at him for a morning hug. He seemed to forgive me, running along to me and launching himself into my arms. Even so, that didn't stop him from glaring at Fenris and he refused to let me stay on the rug with Fenris, pulling at my hand to say, "Breakfast! Where are we going today?"

I climbed up the stairs two at a time in order to accommodate for Anders' impatience. He was already dressed in new child's robes, an emerald green with warm brown trimmings, the ones we'd bought together the previous day. Ser Silkie curled into his lap when he sat on the bed and Anders stroked the attention loving kitten as I told him of our plans, "If you're up for it, we're going to the Black Emporium. It's creepy there and the proprietor is… well, it's gross but if you want to come, I'm more than happy. If you feel scared, just grab onto my hand anytime you like."

I opened up my closet doors, grabbing a set of periwinkle blue robes as Anders rushed me, "Hales! Hurry!"

I laughed, "Alright, my little darling," I didn't bother hiding behind a screen, pulling off my nightdress and throwing it on Anders' face as he giggled. I threw the robes over my head and straightened it before turning back to Anders, who had folded my nightdress and put it on the chair. I frowned a little, "You're very neat for a little boy. I used to throw my things around everywhere."

Anders blushed a bit, "Thank you," he said in a formal little voice, pride glittering at the edges of his tone. Breakfast was also a bit rushed, Anders seemed more interested in exploring the Black Emporium than eating breakfast. He told me, "We can have breakfast in bed tomorrow. We got time then. We need to go!"

Mother laughed, her girlish giggle tittering in the dining room, "This is what happens when you spoil a little boy rotten."

When we left Hawke Estate, Merrill showed up. She told me, "Keeper Marethari will be here tonight. You need to come to the alienage."

I said with confidence, "Don't worry Merrill. I will be there."

Since she was already with us, all of us left for the Black Emporium, circling down into the depths of Kirkwall to the creepy shop. At its entrance, Anders told me, "There's something wrong here."

He tugged at my hand, "We should go." I leaned down to pick him up, gathering him up against me. I told him, "It's a little scary but I need to be here. Will you try and be brave for me?"

His honey brown eyes turned resolute, gentle hands patting down my face as he told me, "I'll protect you."

I carried him down the long corridor that led us to Xenon's mucus covered, tangle of limbs that was supposed to constitute as a body. I could never bring myself to look at it directly but Anders had, fear forgotten, pointed and asked loudly, "Ew! What is that?"

I nearly chuckled but told him, "That's the shopkeeper's body. He's been alive for four hundred years."

Xenon's voice was magnified through the store, his mystical bauble conveying his huffy tone of, "Such disrespect."

Sensing Anders' lack of fear, I put him down and he scurried to Xenon's body to inspect. With curious fingers, he leaned forward with his index finger pointed out and I called, "Sweetie… no touching."

"Alright, Hales" came his reply but Anders didn't stop staring, circling around that centre podium to stare at the twisted amount of limbs. From a little way, I could hear him muttering to himself, "That's a hand. But that's a hand too. What is that? Is that a foot?"

I went into the books section, looking at potions that would re-age. There were too many. Whilst keeping my eye on Anders, I spent over an hour reading, finding at least ten different types of potions that did the same thing but required different ingredients. I frowned and decided to question Xenon. I called out, "Proprietor Xenon?"

"Yes?" came his eerie echo.

"My friend, Anders was here researching and he's created a potion that's side effect involved turning him into a child. I was wondering if I could turn him back, memory and personality intact," I stated evenly.

"Anders, eh? Would that be the irritating child that's circling me like a vulture?"

Anders didn't have the good sense to look sheepish. Instead, putting hands on his waist and looking put out at being compared to the likes of a vulture. He ran to me, his nose wrinkled. I laughed, "Yes, that's Anders," ruffling golden hair with my spare hand.

"Anders… he was here not long ago, searching for potion ingredients to create a potion that even the best potion makers in the history of Thedas have failed in. Tell me, was he successful?"

The ghostly chuckles and echoing was beginning to irritate me but I was grateful that Xenon was discrete, revealing little to the child beside me. Still, I said with a slight steely tone, "So far, it seems that way. However, I cannot be sure. I just know that the potion taken had the side-effect of reverting him to a child."

"Serah Hawke, if you wish to age the child, there are a great many potions that could suffice. However, the ingredients cannot clash with those that have already been taken by the boy. It can cause all sorts of adverse results. Although," he gave another chuckle, "you already have a few of those in hand, yes?"

I pursed my lips in irritation and asked, "Can you at least give me some direction?"

"Well, do you know what ingredients he used?"

I listed them off, knowing them by heart after the many times I had read through the list, "Deathstone, frostrock, spirit shards, lyrium dust, panacea, tilia and Artemisia."

"Hmmm… I will need time to organize a list of suitable tomes, potential ingredients that you may require." There was an odd tone in his voice and I had to wonder why he was doing this when he normally did not offer such a service.

"What's the catch?" I called out into the stagnant air, "You don't normally offer services such as this."

There was a dismissive echo when he said, "Think of this as a personal investment for my own predicament. My urchin will deliver the goods. I expect payment."

I nodded, "Of course."

The main purpose had been mostly fulfilled. We had time to shop for other things. Fenris began looking at armour. Merrill stared at old and dusty tomes, her nimble fingers flicking the pages of a book she found fascinating. Anders poked at everything. He stared up at a statue of a naked Andraste and poked with a curious index finger. Xenon cried out, "Don't fondle Andraste!"

I quietly admonished, "Sweetie, you can't poke at everything. Some things in here are very dangerous." Anders had nodded his agreement but no sooner had I turned my head, he was staring into the Mirror of Transformation, his nose almost pressed against the reflecting glass. Fenris dragged him away before he could change his own features. I shook my head, curious fingers and dangerous goods did not mix. I ushered everyone out of the shop.

Up in Hightown, we bumped into Sebastian. He smiled with gentleness and greeted Anders warmly despite his reservations about the man. I touched his arm briefly to show my appreciation. He told me, "Aveline wants some night time work done," giving me a pointed look to indicate that the implication was not for young ears.

I grinned impishly, "Duly noted. I have to go to Keeper Marethari tonight but if we finish early…"I trailed off. Sebastian nodded, "Do you wish for me to pass on the message?"

I hooked my arm with his, my other hand holding onto Anders' and announced, "I'm thinking of inviting everyone over for dinner tonight. Bring yourself and invite Aveline for me, yes?"

With a light laugh, he beamed at me and strode off, promising to do so. I turned to Fenris and Merrill and said, "And both of you are of course invited."

Merrill chirped out, "Should I tell Varric and Isabela?"

Anders called out, "Yes!"

When we made it back to Hawke Estate, Anders pulled out his toys. Along with Sandal, Widge and Ser Silkie, the four of them re-enacted great heroes and evil villains. It reminded me of how Carver and I used to be. Rivals though we were, siblings could never deny their love for one another and though Carver and I used to spar and fight, snipe and sneer at one another, I knew that in Carver's heart of hearts, he had always loved me. The scene played out in my mind again, how Carver had jumped before the ogre when it threatened to near me. My brave, little brother who had defended his older sister and paid the ultimate price; I sighed in distress. After watching the four of them play in the parlour, I passed the duty to Bodahn and Mother before going out into the back gardens to visit Carver's empty grave that I had placed there when I bought Hawke Estate. With my diary open, I sat beside the headstone and began to write.

_9:35, 22__nd__ Guardian_

_Dear Anders,_

_We talked about your nightmares. It took some coaxing but you eventually told me everything. People like Esvra don't deserve to live. I was overwhelmed by the fierce need to protect you. I wanted the whole world to stop moving just so I could keep you from feeling any fear ever again. I guess the world doesn't bow down to my whims._

_I cried. I tried not to when you were telling me about your nightmares. It just overwhelmed me. You took my face between your hands and kissed my tears away. It was such an intimate thing to do that I was shocked but when you explained that you were imitating what your father did for your mother, I understood. Still, I can't help wondering what it would be like if you, as a man, did that for me. Is it so bad for a girl to want that? _

_You weren't too happy seeing me with Fenris. Something about you and Fenris – the hostility is always there, shimmering beneath the surface. He's making a conscious effort not to frighten you, of course, but you don't like him and I'm not entirely sure why. _

_I'm not entirely sure why I thought taking you to the Black Emporium would be a good idea either. You quite literally touched everything. You were going to poke the desiccated corpse of Xenon the Proprietor but I stopped you. The last straw was you pressing your nose against the Mirror of Transformation. Thank the Maker that Fenris dragged you off. I wouldn't know what to do if you had actually tried to change your features. _

_The long and the short of it remains that we don't actually know how to age you. There's a million different ways to do it and it all comes down to picking the right one that won't conflict with the potion you've already taken. I might just break down and run into the Gallows if it meant I could ask First Enchanter Orsino myself. _

_Xenon seems to be taking quite an interest in your case. He's offered to do a lot of research and to send relevant tomes my way. I get the feeling that something in your potion might help him gain his youth. It could be the lack of de-aging potions – I noticed that the books had many aging potions but not so much de-aging potions. Maybe that's why he's so interested. He did say it was related to his current predicament. _

_I was watching you play with Widge, Silkie and Sandal. It reminded me of how Carver and I used to be. Maker, I miss him so much. I miss how we used to fight and argue, the dynamic we shared. He was as much older brother as he was younger brother… I remember after the incident with Philip DeSouren… how many hours he spent looking after me, letting me cry to my heart's content. _

I looked at the blue sky, clear and without clouds. Somehow I could not find comfort. The blue was too cold, like a mocking of Carver's crystal blue eyes. I whispered into the breeze, "I miss you. I love you, Carver." It swirled around me for a moment, almost like a comforting caress before it dissipated completely.

"Hales?" a voice called out my name, interrupting the thoughts I was transcribing on paper. I looked up and smiled at Anders, who had poked his head around the doorjamb that led into the house, "Mmm?" I asked.

He ran forward, crawled up onto my lap and accused, "You're doing something tonight."

I nodded, "I need to help a friend. He's a mage, too and he needs help."

Anders tilted his head, "You promise to come home after that?"

I smiled and kissed his nose, "I might have to help Aveline first but I will be home after that."

He bounced in my lap and exclaimed, "That's alright then," and then he paused, the little dent appearing between his brows. It signalled his thinking process and I looked at him, waiting for him to say whatever was on his mind, "Will you come play with me?"

I laughed, delighted at his invitation, "Of course. You run along and give me thirty seconds." He slid off my legs and scampered so I could have time to write one more line.

_I'll write more later on tonight. Your adorable self just requested that I play with you._

* * *

><p><em>AN: _So, that's the story behind the nightmare. I hope I didn't disappoint anyone when it ended up not being about Justice or Darkspawn. I felt that we needed more background for Anders. We're told very little about him really. The fact that he escaped seven times is all well and good but why? What struck him so badly? This is my story for Anders.

As always, I hope you enjoyed reading. Please read and review.

And as always, you have my love.  
>Ann<p> 


	8. The Truths That Breed Love and Hate

**Chapter 8 – The Truths That Breed Love and Hate**

_Hales_

In the open parlour, I found Anders as a blur of constant movement. Accompanied with a wooden toy staff that lit up with tiny lights at the top, I watched as he and Ser Silkie stalked Widge and Sandal. Sandal didn't really do much. He mostly jumped up and down and shouted "Enchantment!" left, right and centre. To my surprise, Widge's mouth was carrying a well-slobbered sword, playfully duelling with Anders. He swung his staff, the lights flickering on and off, crying out to Widge, "You will pay for that!"

I descended the stairs slowly, not entirely sure what role I would play in the coming onslaught. I stood beside Mother who seemed be stifling a fit of laughter. When Anders caught sight of me, he dropped his staff and ran over, pulling at the bottoms of my robes to make me join in.

He sat me down in one corner of the parlour with flushed cheeks and slightly sweat-soaked hair, "I'm going to rescue you from Widge!" he cried out in a flourish.

Widge, intelligent dog that he was, took his cue to come at Anders, playfully snapping at Anders' ankles. The boy squealed, a high-pitched sound that Anders was _not_ known for making and skittered to the opposite side of the room. The fight started again. Sandal against Ser Silkie, Widge against Anders. The mock fight between Ser Silkie and Sandal didn't really happen. He made a wide-eyed creepy expression, holding up hands above his head, trying to tower over the fluffy kitten. Her move was a seductively sweet move, curling around his leg and affectionately rubbing her cheek against his shin. Sandal was a goner, bending down to scratch Silkie's ears as she purred contently. He told me, "I like the kitty."

As Mother joined me in my "prison", I told her with mischief coating my voice, "Never underestimate the power of a woman. Ser Silkie is one sexy girl."

She sat beside me, sinking down to the marbled floors and murmured, "It's almost like watching you and Carver." Her voice was so sad that I linked my hands with hers and confessed, "That's what I was thinking, too."

"I know," she said, "I saw your expression and I knew."

As Widge jabbed Anders lightly with the wooden sword, his tail wagging furiously, Anders pretended to moan out in pain, "Oh! You've got me! You won't win me this day!"

I sighed out, "I miss him so much… and I hate –"

Mother interrupted, "Don't. Don't blame yourself. The Blight did this to Carver. Not you, never you."

I closed my eyes and confessed it like a dirty secret, "He jumped in front of me. He didn't have to. I know Carver always tried to be my older brother just as much as my younger brother but I should have protected him." My throat constricted and I tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

To my surprise, she actually managed to chuckle. I looked at her with shock in my eyes and she told me, "Are you really all that surprised that he did that?" her fingers carded through my hair as she told me, "Carver admired you, irritated you and maybe hated you at times but you were his sister. No matter how he was younger than you and how you tried to protect him, he was matured in some ways."

I pursed my lips at her, "Carver? Matured? Those two words don't belong in the same sentence," I joked.

She smiled, staring at me with sympathy, "Not usually but there was an exception and that exception was you. Carver understood a very basic truth and it was that he could live with a lot of things but to watch you die would not be one of them. He would die a million times over for you than see you injured even once."

I put my hand against my heart, trying to protest against the dull ache that lay within. I whispered, "Did he tell you?"

She shook her head, a strange light in her eye, "He never had to. A mother sees these things, I suppose but every time you were injured or," she gave me a speculative glance, "hurt emotionally, he was the one that ached the most for you. He cried when you cried and though he would forever deny it and hide it, it's nevertheless true – you were the one that Carver loved most."

I didn't speak, too overwhelmed by Carver's love to make any noise. I couldn't change the past and I couldn't change the angry words that were often shared between us. Mother kissed my hand gently, "Carver loved Bethany, loved me and your father very much but he loved you most and I know that you're thinking that you should have spent more time with him, argued less, to do things over again and not make mistakes… but you have to understand, that's why he loved you. He loved you for arguing with him, for fighting his negativity and brooding. You always got through to him and believe it or not, you were also the reason behind why he left Peaches."

I gasped, horrified that I could have broken his relationship with a childhood sweetheart. Mother admitted, "He told me not to tell you but you need to know how much he loved you. Peaches had bad things to say after you and Philip… well, she wasn't very understanding and insulted you. I don't think she was too happy with the amount of time Carver was spending with you either and when she complained, he broke things off with her."

A wounded howl broke through my trance and I watched, amused beyond belief as Widge rolled over onto his back, pretending to twitch his paws. Anders stood over him, his toy staff at Widge's throat as he announced, "Yield!"

Widge gave a weak whine and whimper, rolling to his side in defeat. Anders ran up to me, waving his staff in mischief and announcing in a enthused tone, a dimpled smile gracing his lips, "My fair maiden, you are free from that evil…evil thing," he trailed a little before recovering his bravado, "that has locked you up! You are free!"

I pretended to swoon onto the marble, "Thank you Ser Mage. Oh, your bravery knows no bounds!"

Anders blushed, his cheeks flaming up from both innocent embarrassment and exertion. He giggled as he tried to bow as his shoulder shook, "You are too kind, Lady Hales."

A chuckle echoed from the doorway. Varric was leaning against the doorjamb with Isabela and Fenris, watching us play. All three of them sat on the marbled floor with me, everyone crowding around me and Anders.

Mother's laughter tinkled as she told Anders, "Isn't it traditional that the brave young man who rescues a damsel gets a kiss?"

Isabela 'ooohed' saucily and Varric winked at me. Anders looked at his feet but there was a hopeful light in his eyes that I could never deny. I leaned on my hand so I could plant a kiss on Anders' baby soft cheeks but he surprised me, taking my spare hand in his, bowing and kissing the top of my hand lightly. When I made a soft noise of fondness mixed with surprise, he stated matter-of-factly, "When a gentleman rescues a lady, he kisses the top of her hand. _That's _tradition."

I surged forward and pulled him to me, telling him as I rocked back and forth, "But when the gentleman is called Anders and he rescues a lady called Hales, he gets a kiss on the cheek. _That's _tradition, too." I kissed his cheeks lightly before telling him, "Now go play some more."Anders rushed off to Silkie, eager to start another fight with Sandal and my Mabari.

When Anders called out to me, all of us looked up to see him holding onto Widge's collar, riding him as he announced to the world, "Hales, look! My noble steed!" Fenris commented without any sarcasm and just a hint of wonderment, "He is truly taken with you."

Isabela wrapped an arm around my shoulder, "It's about bloody time."

I turned to her and playfully shrugged her arm off, "You know, I have a bone to pick with you. You told Varric and Fenris."

Varric scoffed, his thick hands waving in the air, "Give us men some credit. We only _confirmed_ with Isabela. Like anyone wouldn't notice the doe eyes you've been making at the man."

"I do not!" I protested loudly, rushing to my feet in an instant.

Merrill came through the doorway with Sebastian, "What don't you?"

I glared at the three who were still sitting on the floor, smiling smugly or outright giggling, "Nothing!" The topic was dropped.

As stars brushed the skies in dots of light and Aveline arrived soon after with Donnic, dinner became a great and laborious affair. Bodahn, Oranna and Sandal had truly outdone themselves. Every inch of our dining table was covered with food. Gravy and potatoes, honeyed ham and roasted sweet meats, seasoned vegetables and salads, trays of little bite-sized pies and savoury tarts and for dessert, saccharine sweet puddings and more chocolate cookies.

Conversation flowed throughout with Anders talking to Oranna and Mother and the rest of us discussing potential jobs and assignments. Isabela tittered, "He's very charming. I can see why he's such a heartbreaker when he grows up."

I rolled my eyes as said with a mockingly snide attitude, "Heartbreaker when he grows up? You should see how he plies Oranna with compliments and then bribes her for cookies."

We watched as Anders fluttered his eyelashes and jut his bottom lip out, playfully begging Oranna for her "cookies that came from the Maker". I shook my head in mock disgust as Oranna melted, unable to resist his puppy-dog eyes. I commented to my friends, "Weak."

Sebastian nudged me in the ribs, "I bet you can't do any better."

I narrowed my eyes and jibed, "You're not allowed to bet."

A little after dinner, I prepared myself to go down to the alienage with Merrill and Aveline. The rest would stay with Anders and keep him entertained until I returned. Though he was fully bloated from dinner, he was pulling out more toys, carrying the heavy sack of wooden building blocks and dragging them down to the parlour. As I attempted to sneak out of the Estate, Anders' keen eyes spotted me. He tugged at the bottom of my robes and asked sadly, "Aren't you going to play with me?"

Every eye was upon me, watching me with speculation and interest. I guided Anders back into the parlour with Merrill and Aveline behind me and everyone else on the parlour floor. I explained, "I have to go help my mage friend, remember?"

Anders deflated, "Oh," he said with head ducked down and chewing upon his lower lip. My heart melted and I knelt on the floor, pulling out the wooden building blocks until they spilled all over the marble floor. I consoled, "I'll be home later," then whispered conspiratorially, "but you know what would make me really happy?"

He leaned closer with a cheeky smile, two hands rubbing together with a mischievous glimmer in his eyes, "What?"

I told him, "I would be really happy if you built something for me. You could leave it here in the parlour for me and if you don't finish, I can help you finish later on."

"Really?" he asked.

I nodded, "Anything you want, sweetie," and I pressed a kiss to his forehead.

I heard Sebastian mutter, "Weak," as he covered it with a cough. I glared at him playfully and told Anders, "You know what else you could do for me?"

"What?" he asked.

"I bet you could make everyone help out. I bet Varric has some great ideas about what you should build and I bet Sebastian would let you stand on his shoulders if you asked nicely so you could put those blocks up really high!" I smiled evilly at the group and each of them stared at me with wide eyed horror at the thought of doing something so childish.

Anders jumped, "Okay! I can do that!"

I waved as I left, telling them all with a slight mocking, sing-song tone that made my friends wince slightly, "Have fun!"

Keeper Marethari had no real good news to share with me. She told me that Feynriel was something called a dreamer or "somniari" and if he should become an abomination, he would cause untold amounts of destruction due to his ability to manipulate the Fade. As a personal request, she told me that if I could not save him from the demons, she hoped I would kill him, turning him into a Tranquil. I refused outright, "…This is everything that Feynriel didn't want. I won't be the one to do this to him."

She had sighed out in defeat, "Then I suppose I must leave this in your hands."

As I prepared to enter the Fade, she cautioned me, "Is Merrill a suitable companion to bring along?"

It hit me. Her blood magic would surely cause her to fall temptation to the demons. How could I have not thought of that? I blinked at her, blood rushing from my face and seeing my expression, she told me, "I will distract her."

It was just Aveline and I until I entered the Fade. Reading my staff, I stepped cautiously into what looked like the Gallows' main hall. A gruff, low voice echoed to my right and turning, I saw a knight, a spirit, casually strolling beside me.

"I had not thought to see you here but I had not thought to return to the Fade either."

I recognized the voice after a while, remembering how Anders' voice had turned low when he was overcome by Justice. I gasped, "Justice?"

The armoured helmet nodded once, "It is I, Justice. Anders has told you of me. Come, I sense Feynriel's mind straining. We will not have much time."

I opened my mouth to protest but he stated with consternation, "Your questions can wait!"

I rolled my eyes as I followed him forward. Grumpy thing, I thought to myself though secretly, I was very grateful for his assistance. The pale green air of the Fade blurred my senses a little, the images always shifting and fading about me. I rushed forward, hoping to confront Feynriel soon.

"Well… it's rare to see two forgotten magics in one day."

A demon flowed forward, its back moving up and down like a fish's tail. It's voice was dulcet, comforting and I strained to focus, "It's usually a slow place, the Fade, not many surprises," it crooned out as it towered above me, "I wasn't sure I'd like this one… but it has potential."

Justice spat out assertively, "A demon of sloth. It exists to make men forget their purpose and pride… do not relax around it!"

"Call me Torpor," its voice soothed out, "I have a proposition that might interest you."

I could feel the demon's power, its tendrils of seduction flickering around me. It whispered in my mind to relax, to lay back and enjoy but I managed to sneer out, "I don't want to call you anything but _dead_!"

I aimed my specialty at the demon, fire and ice falling from the skies of the Fade in equal parts. I revelled in the magic of the Fade, pulling at my personal mage connection with the Fade. Mana echoed within and without and spells issued from my body without hesitation. Aveline charged with a howl, her sword slicing through demon flesh and bone. Justice did the same. They took the first line of defence as I stood behind, defending and slicing with magic. The sloth demon fell quickly; its corpse disintegrating before it even touched the floor.

I ran about to the door to the left but as I walked through, I was covered in a light mist and suddenly, my appearance was that of First Enchanter Orsino.

"My people, I present to you… our hope." It was Keeper Marethari and I wondered to myself, what she was doing here.

As I strode forward, I saw Feynriel, looking about a little disoriented and I realized with a start that Keeper Marethari was not who I thought she was. "His features may mark him as human but in his heart beats the blood of the Dales!" The impostor threw her hands up in praise and I wondered why demons were such good actors.

"He came to us to learn his heritage, to release the power from a lineage as ancient as our race," the fake Marethari cried out.

Feynriel stuttered out, shifting from foot to foot, "I… I don't know what to say."

It was my cue to intervene, "This is a trick." My voice was low, gruff and slightly hoarse and I was so very nearly freaked out over the loss of my femininity.

"First Enchanter?" Feynriel looked at me with surprise, the kind of surprise that seemed dim, like he was confused and clouded, "What are you doing here? Mother told me the Dalish are honourable! Why would the Keeper lie?"

I answered back, "Why would she entrust her people to a human?"

The impostor tried to convince, "You are one of us, Feynriel. Your magic will restore our greatness!"

That's when Feynriel started to realize what was happening. He shook his head, "But… you told me that this magic was outlawed for a rason. Even the Dalish don't practice it anymore."

I asked intently, wanting to get through to the teenager, "Could the elves trust you with the power to shape reality? Could you trust yourself?"

Feynriel's eyes began to clear, the fog beginning to lift from his mind. The demon pretending to be Marethari seemed to begin to panic, her voice becoming urgent as she warned, "Don't listen to him! The First Enchanter is trying to keep you from realizing your greatness."

The boy muttered to himself, "Trying to keep me from temptation, just like you were. You're not the Keeper!" he eventually shouted out and ran, like demonic hounds were snapping at his ankles. "Be gone, fiend!" He sneered as he disappeared in an instant and I smiled to myself.

"You!" The demon turned to me, "Why did you interfere?"

She slowly began to shift, her body rising into the air as her limbs began to extend and torque, twisting into rough shapes and horns. Aveline and Justice reappeared behind me and I became myself again. The demon jumped onto the floor, his large fist capable of wrapping around me easily.

"With my power joined to his, Feynriel would have changed the world!" the demon's voice had changed, growling out with something tainted and evil, it almost made me shudder.

I stepped forward with assertion, calmly stating, "The boy only wants his freedom. Not your power. Speak no more. I have nothing left to say."

With a slight tilt of my hand, Justice and Aveline both surged forward, their large swords hacking at flesh and tearing at horns and bone. I cast a Gravitic Ring around the Pride demon, causing his limbs to slow as he attempted to rip at Aveline. Fist of the Maker, to show him the lack of mercy the Maker would have given him. Rocks and sword pummelled at him and eventually, he stumbled back and fell down, his blood streaming black and inky over the Fade ground.

As we ran back into the main hall, other demons attacked. I heard Justice behind me, his voice filled with hatred, "Rage demon! They seek the dreamers' power!"

A cone of cold was all that was necessary to bring the demon down, its putrid orange unable to melt the fierce layer of ice that I wrapped around its body. We watched as the demon struggled, melting it slowly from within as the ice cruelly depleted its energy and life. It fell to the ground in a pool of charred black and orange, slithering beneath the cracks of the tiles in the Fade.

I went through another door and this time, I was turned into Arianni, Feynriel's mother. I looked at my hands, delicate and bony, scant fingers and soft-skinned. Justice and Aveline disappeared. I saw Feynriel's father, leaning over a young boy that I surmised to be a younger Feynriel. He encouraged his son, "That's it, Feynriel! Hard on the downstroke, then lift. Good!"

"I'll have you scribing all my letters soon. If I'd known you were such a bright lad, I'd have brought you into the business years ago," he said with an enthusiastic flourish, an accent that was grating to my ears as I realized that the father was a demon in disguise.

Feynriel, innocent and naïve of his surroundings, asked with hopefulness in his voice, "Does that mean I can come with you into Antiva, Father? Mother said maybe this summer… Right, Mother?" He looked at me with an asinine smile.

I crossed my arms and told him gently, "Your father never wanted anything to do with you. Don't trust him."

The influence of his mother was evidently much stronger than his father for he looked up and asked his father, "Why are you lying to me?"

"Don't listen," his father coerced, "Son, she's always been ashamed of you." His voice became more enigmatic but I could hear the bitterness and panic start to rise as the boy stared at him doubtfully, "She wanted you gone so she could go back to the Dalish. I'm the one who loves you."

"But…" Feynriel hesitated, struggling for clarity, "Why can't I remember you?"

"This is a trick, Feynriel." I nodded to the father, "He wants something from you." My voice was soft, light and definitely not my own. I couldn't get used to it and nearly winced.

Feynriel did not notice for he was staring into his father's eyes, telling him with resolution in his voice, "That's right! I spent my whole childhood waiting for you!"

The demon tried to play it off, "Your mother never allowed –"

"My mother loves me!" Feynriel cried out, up on his feet and ready to stand his ground, "She showed me the letter she wrote you. You never wrote back! And it was Mother who taught me to write, not you! I've never met you before! Who are you?"

The demon began to phase, shifting in form. "Don't… question…" the demon shifted into his primary form, a desire demon, with purple horns and seductive curves, "me…" the last word was spoken with seductive tendrils that I had known well.

Feynriel screamed in fright, running off and disappearing. I sighed in relief.

"You!" I nearly rolled my eyes as the demon said that. Didn't they have better lines? "You turned him against me," she said as she floated three inches from the ground, hands caressing all over her own body.

I laughed at her, "Complete accident. I was trying to help. Honest!" I said in a cheeky tone.

"Take away my pets and I shall take away yours. How loyal are these friends you drag along into the Fade?" she cooed at me, her smile a seductive mock that made my lip curl in distaste.

"What would your noble knight do to reclaim what she lost?" she slithered forward towards Aveline, who instantly stared at the demon as if in a trance. The demon shifted into the form of Wesley and I knew that Aveline was lost to me.

"You spent your whole life trying to be the chevalier your father wanted. The one thing –" Wesley never got to finish for as I stared at Aveline, I suddenly saw a sword sticking out of her middle. Justice growled, "She was to fall prey to the demon. I could not allow it."

The desire demon shrieked out in scorn, her arms grabbing me quickly and pulling me into another piece of the Fade. I was alone. The demon circled me, her arms reaching for me. I smacked them away and she crooned a soft giggle. "Isn't this better? Just you and me… no one else to disturb us. Wouldn't you like to talk with me? Wouldn't you like to hear my offer?"

I readied my staff as I spat out with malice, "I don't need to hear anything!"

The demon tutted at me with a coy smile as her form shifted again, her voice changing. I recognized it straight away and I felt the blood rush out of my face as the smooth baritone flowed all over me, warm and intense, it made me shiver.

Anders.

The man was in front of me, his smile seductive but cheeky and in his eyes, the glint of life and mischief that I had only seen in rare occasions. The place changed, I was in my bedroom. I was dressed in my soft nightgown, silky and sensual against my skin. He stepped around me and I forgot about the demon, I forgot about everything other than the feel of Anders as he wrapped his arms around me from behind. His shadow beard scraped against the tender flesh of my neck and I felt his lips whisper down my jaw line in barely there caresses. He murmured in my ear, "Give into me, sweetheart. I'm here… I'm right where you want me… tell me you want me, love."

My arms rose of their own accord to link behind his neck and my lips searched for his as rough hands covered my breasts. It woke me up. I didn't know anything about making love with Anders or how it'd be like but I was sane enough to remember that Anders and I had never done anything together. He would be gentle the first time. I pushed him away and shook my head, trying to search for the light in the clouds of confusion that echoed in my mind. "No, you're not Anders." I repeated to myself and closed my eyes, trying to shake away the tendrils of power that the desire demon had drawn out from within me.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Carver and once again, I was lost. He was in casual clothes, ripped sleeves and fitted pants. I whispered, "Carver?"

"Hello, sister." He murmured, his voice filled with warmth.

I rushed to him but he beat me to it, lifting me up into his arms as though I weighed nothing. He swung me around and like a child, I giggled happily.

"You seem happy to see me, Hales," he stated simply.

I buried my face into the crook of his neck, sighing out, "I am so happy. You were gone and I-"

It hit me again, the wave of ice water as I murmured out, "You died…This…"

Carver hushed me, his voice turning oddly seductive and pulling me into a trance, "Don't think, sister. Just feel…"

He pushed me gently onto the bed, crawling up my body with sinuous movements. It was all so wrong but my mind was no longer entirely my own. I tried to pull away, tried to push but I could barely move but I knew it was the demon. The evil fire of dark purple tainted his normally blue eyes. I closed my eyes as tightly as possible, trying to fight the demon's power.

"You keep your filthy demonic hands _off my sister_!" shouted a voice, both vengeful and gravelly.

I thought to myself, was that Carver?

When I opened my eyes again, I was no longer controlled and the Carver that had been atop me was now the purple desire demon, its head rolling off to the side. I looked up. Carver.

Could it be, I wondered to myself as my jaw dropped open. He smirked snidely, "Nice to see that you still need my sword to keep you safe."

His eyes were blue, sky blue and with a sigh of relief, I ran to him, throwing myself into his arms. "Carver… Carver," I muttered into his shoulder before backing away as he passed my staff back to me. I asked him, "How can this be? You died. I saw it. The ogre… it…" I touched his ribs where they had been cracked but he was whole and complete. I stepped away, fearful that I was being tricked again.

Carver smiled and lifted the tendril of hair out of my eyes and behind my ears. He tucked it there securely and took my chin between his index and thumb, pinching it very gently and affectionately. It was his favourite thing to do for me since we had been children and any lingering doubts as to whether he was truly Carver flew out of my mind.

"Did you forget that you are in the Fade?" he murmured as he took my hand like we were children again, him leading me elsewhere.

I shrugged, "I guess I did," I sighed in relief, "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't arrived when you did… Maker, I nearly –"

Carver finished with a slight menacing tone, "You were very nearly raped by a demon that chose to look like your brother?"

I winced but he wrapped an arm around me and rubbed my shoulders in comfort. He told me, "Well, I'm here now so let's not worry too much about it."

I stopped him half-way and turned him to face me. I asked, "How is it possible? How are you even here? Aren't you supposed to be moved on and all that?"

Carver pulled at my hands, "Come on, I'll take you somewhere."

He led me to some place where the clouds were pure white and the skies were shining golden. All around me was an endless horizon. The further I looked, the more clouds I saw. It was eternal and never-ending. Carver pointed in some direction and as I stared, the brief outline of gates lay in the far distance. Strangely, I found that I could not look for long, something compelled me to turn my head. "I can't… I can't look at it," I stuttered out, "but I can see gates."

He stepped around me so he could look at me and explained, "The Golden Gates that lead to the Maker's side I suspect but that's where we go when we die."

I stared at him in confusion, "So… why are you here? And not in there?"

Carver slowly led me away with laughter tinging his voice, "I'm needed elsewhere," he said simply.

I looked at me dumbly, "Where?"

He shook his head, "I think the lack of arguing with me is really starting to take its toll. You're dimmer than I remember." When I gave him a withering look, he told me, "You need me and I'll wait for you."

I nearly screeched, "You're waiting for me to die before you'll go through those gates? What's wrong with you? Do you know what might happen to you if you stay out in the Fade for too long? The demons? The spirits?"

Carver sighed gently, "I stay here mostly. I come to you when you need me. Like when you're sitting out by my grave, telling me how much you miss and love me."

My mouth dropped open as I remembered how the breeze had wrapped around me in comfort, "The breeze…"

He nodded, "And any time demons plague your dreams… I watch over you, Hales and I always will."

I begged him, "Don't do this. It isn't right. You don't need to wait for me like this. What about the demons?"

Carver pulled me into his arms, his muscles bunching around my smaller frame. He murmured into the crown of my head, "The demons have no interest in me. I have no power and they want nothing. I am safe. Do not worry so."

When I tried to protest, he told me in a matured and assertive voice, "I am your guardian, dearest and I will always protect you. Let me do this for it is all I've ever wanted to do."

I slid both my hands to the sides of his face, staring into the blue eyes that were so clear and crystal and so full of his purpose that I wondered out loud, "Why is this all you've ever wanted to do? Why didn't you want to protect Peaches or someone else?"

"Weren't you listening when Mother was explaining this to you?" Carver shook his head and muttered, "I love you and I have always loved you best. That's how it's been in the past and that's how it'll always be. I've fallen in love with other women before, it's not like I'm missing out but I love my sister best. I'd protect you before I'd protect them."

I fell silent, looking down at our feet, a few inches from each other. I looked at the clouds, anything else but into his eyes. I felt like I needed to apologize, guilty after all the years we had spent sniping at each other. "Stop it," he tutted, "I know that look. Stop feeling guilty. You've done the best you could and we had our own fun amidst the arguing. It's meaning that's important, not the medium in which the words were conveyed."

Shocked that he had such powerful lines in his brain, I looked up and jibed, "My brother is mature. Someone hit me."

We shared a laugh and he comforted, "I'll wait for you. Right here. When you die and give up your mortal shell and all that? We'll walk through these gates together and find out what lies beyond."

I narrowed my eyes shrewdly at him and questioned, "What will you tell Mother and Bethany?"

He shrugged, "If they come through here before you do, and I suppose that Mother will, then I'll tell them what I've told you but please, sister, don't tell them. I don't want to worry them."

I rolled my eyes, "It'll be our little secret. I just wish you didn't have to die for me like that."

Carver smiled, kissing my mouth in brotherly fashion to waive my fears aside, "Do not fret. You will always have me," he put his hand above my heart and murmured, "and you'll always have my love. Now go. Feynriel is waiting for you."

When I looked around, I realized I was back in the Gallows hall, Justice in the background waiting for me and conversing with the boy. I hugged Carver, laughing in his ear, "You squirrelly little knot-head, you better not be spying on me all the time."

Carver shook his head as he left, laughing at me, "That's my girl. See you round the Fade, sister."

I yelled at his retreating back, "You better not wait another few years before you bloody well visit, you wanker!" The ghostly echo of his laughter was all that remained.

When Feynriel saw me, he ducked his head in thanks, "This is the second time you've saved my life. Thank you."

I smiled, beaming from pleasure of helping another and partially because of Carver, "You're very welcome."

"I can see the stitches in the Fade now, now the currents move in here. I think I can really master its power but…" he looked at me with eyes that screamed out that he was in need of a favour, "I need to go to Tevinter if I wish to master this properly and it is not a trip that my Mother would agree with."

I tilted my head to the side in a half-nod and promised him, "I will tell your Mother that you are safe and that you plan to learn in Tevinter."

There was a sigh of relief that exhaled from the boy before he waved his goodbyes, leaving through his own makings of the Fade, a portal creating and stitching back together behind him.

Justice turned to me, his posture stiff and reprimanding, "You fell prey to the demon!"

I nodded, shameful and embarrassed, "My brother, Carver, saved me."

His tone diminished in its consternation, becoming slightly more gentle, "That is good. You have been a good friend to Anders and I have always disapproved of you. You were undeserving of my criticism especially considering how you help the mages to the best of your ability."

I shook my head, "Please. Don't apologize. It isn't necessary."

Justice tilted his armoured head, his hand lifting in a placating motion. I rushed to ask, "Are you really here in the Fade? Will you return to Anders?"

"No," said Justice simply and when I stared at him for elaboration, he told me, "Anders and I are truly separated. I will stay in the Fade and will not attempt reconnection. He was a good friend to me but we were also wrong in binding ourselves together."

"Perhaps it was best," I consoled, "you would have been stuck in the human world, otherwise." I shook my head in thought, "How did you get back here, anyway?"

Justice shrugged, a movement that was so human that it looked strange upon him. "I'm not entirely certain. I know that the Veil was thin in the clinic and perhaps, it ripped enough to allow me entrance."

It certainly explained what I had seen. A tiny gap in the middle of the room, hanging in mid air. There was an awkward silence that lasted too long until he requested of me, "Look after Anders. He needs it."

"I'm trying to find a potion that will age him properly. Not just anyone will do. He's a child, a five year old." I explained.

"You will find one, I am certain. Anders," he struggled a little to explain, "He held you in very high regard. He found you very honourable and noble."

It felt forced, awkward and I told him, "You don't have to force it out. It's alright."

Justice crowed, "It would have been_ unjust_ to leave you unaware of his respect."

I nearly snorted out in laughter but I wasn't sure Justice would understand. The spirit told me, "It is time for you to leave the Fade."

I had one request, "Will you do something for me?"

"If it is reasonable," he answered.

"My brother, Carver, won't move on until I die. He wants to move on with me. Will you try to keep him company when you can? I know spirits don't understand humans but you probably understand more than most after spending so many years with Anders." My tone was a little desperate, a little worried and I was certain that Justice heard it. He inclined his head once.

I concentrated, pulling each particle of myself from the Fade. I pushed away the mana that the Fade filled me up with and concentrated on my heart beat, letting me wake upon Arianni's floor. I rose to my elbows, still utterly disoriented. I knew where I was but my body needed adjusting. When I was ready, I stood and delivered the news, "Feynriel has mastered his powers."

"Then he lives?" Arianna stared at me with unshed tears in her eyes, happiness shining through as the worry faded away. "You saved him! I cannot thank you enough."

She turned to the Keeper, asking to return to the clan, "Keeper Marethari, can I return to the clan in the Sunderlands? I would like to ask for my son's forgiveness."

"Of course, it was you who chose to stay away." Keeper Marethari's voice was soothing, calming and not at all like I had imagined it when I pretended to be her in the Fade.

I explained, "Feynriel needs to go to Tevinter to train and he sent me to say his farewells to you. I don't think he was ever angry with you. He didn't seem that way."

The Keeper turned her attention to me with some reluctance, "I truly did not think what you did could have been possible. You are a rare human, indeed."

"I'm sorry," Aveline cut in, "I should have stood beside you. I don't expect that will be enough, but there it is."

Marethari explained in comfort, "Your friend awakened here some time ago. We all have weaknesses the demons find." The last line was directed at Aveline, who shamefully bowed her head. I should have done the same but I had no courage to admit it.

The Keeper handed me a book, a book belonging to the last dreamer but I refused, "Please… this is best kept in Feynriel's hands. I do him disfavour by accepting. Send it to him for me?"

She smiled at me and along with Merrill, Aveline and I left. I saw to Merrill's safety, hearing her lock the doors with a click before I began to walk from the alienage.

When we reached Hightown, Aveline told me, "After all that, I don't think I'm so opposed to the Gallows. Mages fall prey to demons even more easily than us without magic."

I looked at her with disappointment clearly etched over my face, "That's a horrid thing to say. After you've begun to understand what it is that mages face, you don't sympathize and you support the Gallows? I know dangers when I see it but if mages can fight temptation, they deserve recognition. Mages are not substandard to someone like you."

"That's not how I meant it. I just don't think that risk should be taken." She insisted.

"Oh? And where is the borderline between the risk taken and the risk not taken." I lashed out with a harsh voice, a cruel whip against her words, "If we don't want risk, maybe we should just kill every mage baby that is birthed into the world? Is that what you want?"

"Hawke, I didn't-" Aveline closed her hands into fists and yelled at me, "You're purposely trying to twist my words."

"Twist your words?" I said with cynicism, "Or are you simply unable to handle the fact that what you're saying is disgusting so you're trying to blame me for it? Mages are not animals. Don't talk about them like they need to be put down. Calling them a 'risk'. They are people."

Aveline opened her mouth, whether to protest or apologize, I wasn't certain but I held my hand, pushing her words aside, "Don't. This topic is closed. The only thing I will say is that if you force my hand regarding Anders, I will push back." My threat was there. If she dared to breathe a word to the Templars, I wouldn't let her live to see another day.

The mood back at Hawke Estate was a stark contrast to my own. It was cheery, warm, tired but with that sweet taste of success burning in the air. It was already very late, almost midnight but everyone was still up and Anders was still talking as he munched on another cookie. In the middle of the group was a wooden Mabari, made completely of wooden blocks piled one on top of another. I smiled as I realized that the entire group actually pitched in. Impressive.

Isabela was the first to spot me as I stumbled into the parlour. She quipped, "So how did it go?"

I sat beside Anders who was staring at me with an indescribable emotion in his eyes. I shrugged, "It went."

I turned my attention towards the little boy who was clambering over my legs to give me a hug, "You came back," he said with reverence and joy.

I smiled wryly, "I did say I would come home."

He frowned at me, "You're upset."

"Tired," I explained shortly.

Anders poked my cheek lightly, "What happened?"

I shrugged, "My friend, Feynriel… he's a mage with very special powers and the demons were trying to get to him."

"Then what happened?" asked Anders, "Did you have to fight the demons?"

I nodded and he questioned, "Did the demons try to hurt you?"

I shook my head, "Not really. They aren't bothering Feynriel any more so that's what is important."

"Oh," said Anders, satisfied with my evasive answers.

I wasn't certain I could handle another question so I pointed to the wooden Mabari in the room, "Did you make that? All by yourself?"

Anders shook his head and giggled, "No! Everyone helped out. Do you like it?"

I smiled, "I love it. It's gorgeous." I planted a kiss on top of his slightly sweaty hair, "Just like you." I turned to the rest of the group as Anders giggled in my lap. I teased, "So… you all got involved and played with Anders huh? Have fun?"

Sebastian sniffed with a slightly playful but snooty air, "It is important for every adult to nurture his inner child to keep healthy."

Anders asked with child-like innocence, "Is that why you're so good at playing with my toys?"

I snickered as everyone laughed, teased and jeered. Anders told me, "Fenris let me stand on his shoulders!"

I spared a glance towards Fenris, mouthing a 'thank you' behind Anders' head. He shrugged and looked away with slight embarrassment.

"Anders, could you ask Oranna to draw a bath for me?" I asked and he patted my face gently and went off without another word.

"The good news is," I said to the group, "Justice and Anders are indeed separated. Justice found me in the Fade, telling me that he has no plans to reconnect with Anders. On the other hand, I still don't know how to turn him back into a man."

Varric leaned against the wall, waving a careless hand, "Ah. Don't worry about that. We'll get to it."

I shook my head, "No, not really. We need to get to the Deep Roads and we've got a bunch of other things to do. I need to meet someone at midnight in a few days time."

Varric shrugged, "Don't worry. I'll hire men to go down into the Deep Roads to find Yevhen's boys. You concentrate on Blondie."

Aveline interrupted, "Unfortunately, that's not the only thing you've got. The Viscount wants to speak to you. The Arishok has asked for your specific presence to discuss something."

I frowned and shook my head, "I can't. I've got a little boy to take care of. I can't let him tag along and get involved with Qunari and the Arishok. The Viscount will just have to find someone else."

She nodded, "I'll let him know tomorrow."

Isabela fluttered, "Pish posh. Who cares about the Qunari? If worse comes to worse, we'll all just run and leave Kirkwall. It's not like there's much here to keep us anyway."

I hated to admit it but I rather liked Isabela's thought pattern. I wasn't interested in meddling with politics. As I heard Oranna upstairs talking to a laughing Anders, I smiled. No, I really wasn't interested in politics. I preferred the quiet family life.

Sandal staggered to me and held up something. It looked like an egg shaped something, sparling and silver. He told me simply with a slur, "I like Anders."

I smiled, "I'll give this to him," but when I reached out for it, Sandal snapped his hand back, eerily claiming, "Enchantment for Anders."

It clicked in my head, Sandal was trying to help Anders! I asked urgently, "Will this turn him back into a man?"

Sandal nodded, a bright if dim smile etched across his face, "Enchantment!" he cried out happily.

I stood up, took the silver egg-shaped enchantment from his hand and inspected the rune that was carved into its surface, "Do I give this to him now? How do I administer it? Does he… eat it?"

Sandal stared at me hopelessly, not entirely sure what I was on about. Bodahn stepped in and told me, "He was making this when Anders was building the Mabari with your companions, Serah. From what I understand, this is just one ingredient, a piece of the puzzle if you will."

Sandal nodded at Bodahn's explanation, jumping up and down in cricket-like motions, waving his hands in the air as he proclaimed, "Dump in potion!"

I stared at my friends and they stared back at me. It was a witless moment for all of us but eventually, I just laughed, grateful for Sandal's help. I patted his head gently and kissed his cheek, "Thank you, Sandal."

My friends left when Anders announced from the stairs that my bath was ready. In my room, the bath tub was already filled, bubbles floating about in the room, several inches from the tub. Anders and I stepped into the tub, watching as some water spilled over. I shrugged. It would dry by morning. I leaned back as Anders played, trying to relax and unwind. It had been such a long day. I began to wash Anders' hair, rubbing his scalp with gentle hands as he splashed in the water and eventually, I put Anders into bed, reading him a bedtime story from one of the books Varric had bought for him. Anders smiled, yawned and I closed the book, seeing his eyes droop. We could finish tomorrow.

As I gently rose from the bed, eager to continue writing in my diary though I was utterly exhausted, I heard his soft murmur that almost stopped my heart. "I love you, Hales," he whispered as he rolled over and fell asleep.

I nearly cried as I went back to him, dropping a soft kiss into his sweet smelling hair, whispering to him, "I love you, too." My heartstrings tugged and I longed to hold him in my arms until the feeling faded away but I didn't, knowing he was asleep, I didn't have the heart to wake him after his very long and surely exhausting day. I turned back to my diary.

_You're asleep, it took you all of about two minutes to drop out like a light. It's been a very long day for you I'd expect. You've been running around with Sandal all day, sword-fighting with Widge but you were using a staff and Silkie just rubbed her cheek against everyone's shin. By the time I went down, you had decreed that I would be the damsel in distress and you swooped in to save me. For a five year old, you really know how to charm a lady, telling me that when a gentleman rescues a damsel, he kisses her hand. It was all too sweet and when I left to help Feynriel, you were happily coercing the others to play with you. When I came home you told me that Fenris left you stand up on his shoulder. That was nice of him and unexpected, too. _

_You told me you loved me tonight. I don't even know how it happened but as I'm watching you rest, I don't know how it is I came to love the little boy lying in my bed in such a short amount of time. Perhaps its leftover affection I have for the man. Perhaps it's your sweet smile and loving eyes. I'm not even sure. I know that when you're a man again, I'm going to miss having a little boy hanging around._

_Feynriel- I'm not really sure what to write down. He's a dreamer, someone who can shape dreams and even the world beyond. If he became an abomination, it would be the end of the world practically. Apparently, they can enter the minds of sleepers and slay them in dreams. The thought frightens me. There were two demons out to get his powers too and Keeper Marethari thought it might be necessary to kill him, making him a Tranquil. I flat out refused. I couldn't do that to the boy. _

_I fought the demons though I nearly fallen prey to the desire demon. She shifted into you. Imagine my shock and surprise when you sauntered up to me, kissed me and touched me… Maker, I wasn't sure how I ever woke up from the dream. I remember how your stubble scraped down my neck and your lips moved up and down my neck in subtle caresses that made my blood boil and sing beneath my skin. _

_It was too much. Somehow I woke. Her hands… they were too rough. She grabbed at my breasts that it was almost painful. I don't know if you'd ever be that rough, maybe you have that in you but if it were our first time – I'd think not. You would savour… that's the kind of man you are in my mind. _

_Then she became Carver and this time it was over. I rushed to him, completely forgetting about everything but imagine my panic when she tried to seduce me as my own brother! Maker, I was trying to fight in the moment but the fear hasn't set in until I think about it now. I could have fallen prey. What if I had? What kind of abomination would I be? _

_Imagine my shock when the demon was suddenly off me and Carver was standing in front of me, fit and ready to fight! He's been waiting for me. He keeps waiting. He says we'll cross to the world beyond together. Seeing him, I felt complete in a way, like I was truly going to have Carver back in my life despite his death. Though I worried for him, I knew I could not sway him. He had always been the most stubborn out of all of us. He told me that he loved me the most and always will. I feel guilty but I can't help but find joy from it too. Maybe that's the way it is supposed to be. He doesn't seem to mind it at all. _

_And there was Justice. He was there in the Fade. The potion worked. It separated the two of you. Now, I just have to look for a potion to revert you back. Xenon should be sending books soon so I imagine we'll find something. He told me that you hold me in high regard, that you respect me and find me honourable and noble. _

_Maker, that was not what I wanted to hear. Though I am pleased that you respect me, a woman longs for something more than just clinical regard. She wants affection and pleasure and passion and love… but I have you as a child and perhaps the child's love and affection will have to suffice. _

_Though it sounds crazy, I miss you. I miss having you around. Though I don't miss seeing you beat yourself up over the things that have happened in the past, I miss seeing that sometimes seductive and mischievous smirk that curls at the corners of your lips. Then again, I miss a lot of things – like the softest brush of your hand against my waist or like that time, when your hips grazed my backside. I was tempted to pull you by the collar and kiss you until you couldn't deny me anymore. _

_Aveline and I are a little on the outs right now. She betrayed me in the Fade and after that, she had the gall to tell me that she wasn't so opposed to the Gallows. I told her that she was disgusting for even thinking that. The important thing was that I told her fairly explicitly that if she did anything to hurt you, I would not let it go unpunished. She knows a threat when she hears one. _

_Apparently the Arishok wishes to speak with me but I have someone to look after. Everything is on the backburner now. _

_Oh, and Sandal gave me something today. This silver egg looking thing with a rune carved in it. It's got a couple squiggly like how a child would draw water and this six petalled flower on top. Not sure what it actually does what Sandal says that I have to dump it in a potion that will help turn you back into a man. It seems to be the last thing I put in it so I need to concentrate on finding the cure in terms of herbs first. _

_It's been a long day. I better go sleep. _

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

The bed invited me with fresh linens thanks to Oranna. Extra pillows were fluffed about and the blankets were extra cuddly as I climbed in. It was that or maybe I was really too tired to see it any other way. I was, like Anders, out like a light in moments, slipping deep into my subconscious for much needed rest.

A loud smash of my windows jolted me awake. I reared upright in bed, the brightness of morning sun piercing my eyes. I heard a rough man's voice, "Take the boy!" before I jumped off the bed, grabbing my staff and readying it. Faced with two men, dressed in Tevinter robes, I knew what they wanted and Anders was _not_ going to be taken. I asked no questions and threw fireballs left and right, lightening pulling from my spine and reaching my extremities as it shot from my fingertips. I tried to protect myself from the ice spells that the Tevinter's cast at me, pulling up a barrier but not fast enough. A piece of ice gut my upper arms deeply, blood streaming down my arm. Vengeful, I aimed a Fist of the Maker and one went flying back out of my window and with a single fireball, the other man screamed as his face was burned alive.

I had forgotten about Anders. I had forgotten that he was a five year old who was unaccustomed to such violence except at the hands of Templars. The blood rushed from my face as he stared at me as though I was a stranger, looked at the body on the floor and with tears streaming from his eyes, he jumped out of bed and ran from the room. I tried to catch him but apparently, little Anders was more powerful than I gave him credit for. He screamed at me, "Stay away from me! I hate you!" before he cast Mind Blast, unsettling me and causing me to fall. It gave him time to run out the front door. I heard Bodahn's cry of "Wait!" and I hurried along but by the time I made it into Hightown Square, Anders was long gone and I had no idea where he was.

* * *

><p>AN: Sorry for late update. I hope the length makes up for it! I hope you enjoyed, please R&R!

Didn't you enjoy seeing little Anders sword fight?

As always, you have my love. Ann


	9. The Truths That Beg Understanding

**Chapter 9 - The Truths That Beg Understanding**

_Hales_

I had two bodies in my bedroom, a deep gash in my arm but I forgot about that, running out into Hightown dressed in nothing but my nightgown. It was still early and no one was about. I called for him, "Anders! Anders! Where are you?"

There was no answer.

I ran into the back alleys in bare feet, crawled into hidey holes that would fit a child. I found no one. I found nothing. Distraught and frustrated, scared and worried, I ran back into Hawke Estate. Mother had come down to the parlour, woken up by the commotion that had occurred in my room. I told her shortly, "I was attacked. Anders was frightened. He ran off. I can't find him."

She pointed to the deep gash in my arm and with a wave of my hand, it was gone. I told Oranna, "Alert my companions that live in Hightown. Tell them to meet at Varric's room straight away."

I told Bodahn, "The same for everyone in Lowtown. We need to find Anders. Immediately."

I ordered Widge, "Scout the area. Follow Anders' trail. I'll be at Varric's."

With a sharp bark, his nose was pressed to the floor, sniffing as he trailed out of the door. I went upstairs to get changed, grab my staff and then sprinted down into the Hanged Man. Everyone was already there, shuffled and packed into Varric's room. They all looked up as I rushed in, out of breath and chest heaving. I yelled out, "Anders ran out," I was hyperventilating and distraught, every thought in my mind jumbled and out of order.

Isabela grabbed me by my arms and she told me, "You need to calm down. You can't help Anders all flustered." She sat me down beside her and with a comforting hand upon mine, she told me, "Now, tell us what happened."

I took a deep breath and began, "We were sleeping and then I heard the windows breaking. The crash woke me up but the sunlight was so bright, I couldn't really see. I heard two men, one of them said 'Take the boy'. I knew they were talking about Anders, they couldn't have been talking about anyone else. Anders was the only boy in my room. Then when my eyes adjusted, I saw that they were mages, they wore Tevinter robes."

Fenris cursed in Arcanum, as foully as he possibly could. He commented with wrath and sympathy mixed into his voice, "Prepare for the worst. Those Tevinters may do horrific things to a little boy."

I broke down into sobs, face in my hands and cried, each hiccup heaving itself from my body. Where was little Anders? What had I done? The guilt that coursed through my veins was sickening, overwhelming me and the vile taint caused everything inside me to hurt and ache. I eventually sobbed out the rest of my story, "I attacked… then they… attacked back. I know, I sent one – I sent one out the window and threw- a fireball at the other. They are dead but Anders saw me, watched me. He ran out screaming how much he hated me. I tried… I tried to catch him but he cast Mind Blast and I fell down. Somehow, he got away. I tried to look for him in Hightown but I couldn't find him anywhere." Sebastian rubbed my shoulders in consolation.

Aveline finished off for me, "Then you had Oranna find us."

Merrill chirped, "Bodahn found me."

I nodded, "Or Bodahn. I have Widge sniffing Anders out but I don't know if that will come down to anything."

It was the right time to mention Widge for a bark came from the threshold of Varric's room and when we looked up, he wagged his tail, moving his head about to make us follow him. All of us followed and the seven of us stood out like a wave, an army, sweeping through Lowtown and into the Docks. Around a back alley, Widge paused and barked continuously, using his nose to nudge at various pieces of fabric that lay in the dirt.

There were two pieces. One of bright red, a strip of fabric that was torn from the pants that Anders was wearing to bed and the other, green with purple trimmings, the typical Tevinter colours that mages wore. I leaned against the wall, almost sliding partway down as the truth solidified like ice in my gut. "Anders is gone. Taken. I've lost him. I've lost him," I shook my head from side to side, trying to dispel the thought but it was too far deep inside me. I couldn't shake it away.

Varric patted my shoulder, "Now, now Hawke. You mustn't go off like that. Think. You're good at that. Think about the places you've been. Who would come after Anders? He's just a little boy. What would they be looking for? Blondie is just a mage, no special powers. Why would they be so interested?"

Clarity. It came like a sharp knife in my heart. It dawned on my face and in my mind as Varric nodded at me encouragingly. I whispered but everyone heard my words with poignant lucidity, "His potion. It de-ages. It's a potion that could be made to work. They want his potion. _They want his potion!_"

It was Fenris who linked together the final chain of events so that everything made sense. He asked, "But how did they know about the potion?"

A single name fell from my lips, "Xenon."

Everyone stared at me like I was crazy, what could a desiccated corpse to a five year old, one that could run and jump? I explained, "No, it makes sense. Who knows about the potion? Aside from all of us, my mother, Bodahn, Oranna and Sandal, no one else does but that's not true. We went down into the Black Emporium yesterday, trying to look for a cure. Xenon knew what Anders was doing. Anders was there the week before searching for books and ingredients. Xenon knew everything. He put two and two together when I told him that there was a backlash, an adverse result. Anders turned into a child. Xenon is helping me find a cure for 'personal investment'. He said so himself. He wants that potion."

Sebastian said gently but thoughtfully, "Alright but that doesn't mean he is behind it."

I nodded, "You're right but that doesn't mean he didn't tell someone. It's our only lead we've got."

Varric shook his head, "Not true. You go to the Black Emporium. Rivaini and I will use our contacts to see what we can come up with. Tevinter mages here in Kirkwall are bound to raise a few eyebrows. We'll rendezvous here before sundown."

The walk to the Black Emporium seemed much longer than the previous day. I also felt tired, each step was causing the ache at the back of my calves and each breath I took seemed shorter than the previous one. Merrill steadied me part way through, pulling my arm so I wouldn't fall. She told me, "We'll find Anders. Don't you worry!"

I wasn't surprised or cheered by her optimism but neither did I scold her for it. This was not her fault. It was mine. Even still, it didn't stop me from lashing my anger at someone other than myself and I certainly didn't hold back with Xenon.

The moment I was in his shop, I shouted out, "Xenon! You will answer my questions!"

We went in, all of us, well armed and readied. Sebastian had his arrows trained on the urchin though I knew that he would never hurt the young lad, it was just a show. Fenris and Aveline, on the other hand had their great double-handed broad swords swinging out, intent upon doing damage to the golem if so forced. Widge snarled ferociously, stalking around the seat of Xenon the Antiquarian. Merrill and I had a fireball in each hand, readied and able to aim at any time. I tossed mine in the air as Xenon coughed out, "There is _no need_ for such violence in my shop!"

His tone was snooty, arrogant and I shouted, "Who knows about Anders' potion? Who took Anders this morning?"

Xenon laughed, an old man's laugh, eerie and full of knowing. He told me in the most insincere tone, "I don't know what you're talking about."

I threw my first fireball, missing his elbow by approximately a foot. I calmly asked, "Does that refresh your memory?"

"I… did _not_ take the boy," Xenon maintained, his arrogance evidently knowing no bounds for thinking that I would be so easily fooled.

"Evidently. You're practically dust. You couldn't have done it." I insulted him and then asked, "Who did you tell? Who _did_ take Anders away?"

"I cannot be sure who took the boy? As you say, I am here," he chuckled, playing his own little game.

I threw another fireball, two inches from something that looked like his foot and said, "Try again. Next time I burn something off and you'll really never know what its like to be youthful again."

The threat cut deep and he seemed to surrender, if just a little, "Now now now… let's not be too hasty. I was merely suggesting that the identity of the man who took the boy would be unknown to me."

I began to stalk closer to the body, my fireball bouncing up and down in hand. I stared down at the pile of flesh that sat in the seat. It didn't look human. It had too many hands and random appendages wrapped around the back of the seat. "Talk, Xenon and talk fast," I stated simply as I slowly began to lower my hand closer to the body, the layer of mucus that was used to cover and preserve the body, beginning to dry and evaporate.

"I contacted Tevinter mages that live in Kirkwall. They were to deliver the books this morning amongst other things and in return, I asked them to find out about the potion." His voice became slightly frantic, so I eased off a little, lifting the fire from his flesh for a moment.

I asked, "So why did they take Anders?"

"I cannot know for sure," he said and I could almost hear the smirk behind his words. He knew.

"Wrong answer," I said and zapped his body with lightening, just a tiny zap, small and insignificant. It barely affected the moisture upon his flesh.

"Wait! No! I told them to ask you to pay. The price was the potion. If you didn't pay, they were to use force as necessary. I didn't expect them to take the boy. That's all I have. Please. Do not touch my body!" Xenon's voice echoed with pleading tones and I relented, giving him a one foot berth.

"Names. Now."

"They call themselves the Normenza Brothers. They are situated either in the Docks or around Darktown. You will find them there," he answered quickly, relief beginning to echo through the halls.

"What do they plan with Anders?" I asked.

"That I truly cannot know." His gritty voice was reluctant, severe and strange but it carried without it true unknowing.

I was tempted to threaten him again but his tone seemed sincere and perhaps, it was best not to waste time. As I left, I shouted out, "I expect my books. If you want your potion, tell your urchin to deliver the goods. If you die drinking the potion, do not blame me."

I still needed Xenon's help and with the temptation of the potion offered, I knew he would not refuse me. We left as quickly as we came. The walk back to Kirkwall city was just as tiring as before but somehow, not as long. My breath came easier. We were one step closer. We had a chance of finding Anders. They wanted the potion. They wanted to de-age. My previous fears seemed a little sillier. Shipping Anders to Tevinter would not uncover the secrets to de-aging. A young child would know nothing. That was unless they were going to perform something that would uncover the potion ingredients through Anders? The fear struck me again.

I was a mess by the time we arrived at Varric's. He told me, "We've been looking but there are many Tevinter mage groups. The Fraternity. The Shields of Tevinter. The Elusiara. All of them deal in slave trading. All of them deal in blood magic."

I told him, "We're looking for the Normenza Brothers, situated in the Docks or Darktown. Any ideas?"

Isabela nodded, "Some of my contacts know of them. They've been mentioned but there are warehouses, secret hiding places. Anders could be anywhere."

I told her, "Tell your contacts to set up a meeting. Create a dangerous mage image of me. Abomination, deals with demons, fiercely powerful. Do whatever it takes. Tell them that I have the power to perform magic upon the boy to work out the secrets to keep eternal youth, mention Xenon's name. Mention my name."

Sebastian protested, "The mages already _know_ who you are."

I shot him a dark glare, "They know nothing. Any story can be created."

Fenris suggested, "Xenon has his ways of contacting these people. You cannot simply use his name. He could deny it."

Fire enveloped me as I hissed out poisonously, "Not if he knows what's good for him. He'll know. He hasn't survived this long without the understanding of human politics."

Everyone exchanged glances with one another, each trying to push the other into convincing me of another method but I snarled out coldly, ice and venom dripping from my every word, "Have your contacts arrange the meeting, Isabela."

She deflated, pursed her lips, shaking her head from side to side but eventually relented, "I just hope you know what you're doing. You don't even perform blood magic."

I announced, "We're all going. Every skill I could ever need will be very much up my sleeve."

Isabela touched my arm, her eyes unsure as she murmured, "Are you sure this is what you want, pet? We can deal with physical blows but dealing with a bunch of Tevinter mages who play games, are you sure you don't want my contacts to look for Anders first?"

I shook my head, stubborn to a fault, "That will take far too long."

However, even arranging a meeting took two days. The others would hear none of my protesting when I told them that I wished to be involved. They pulled, dragged, weedled and scolded until I was up in my room, instructing Bodahn to ensure that I ate and slept. Mother was fairly appalled by my behaviour when I snarled, sneered, mocked and scorned. It was Fenris that shook me out of my reverie, the nightmare that I was living, "Stop this. You do Anders no good by mistreating yourself."

I tried to fight him, tried to tell him but the words were caught in my throat and all I had whispered out was, "This is all my fault…"

Everyone relented, everyone came for me, pulling me into tight hugs and gentle kisses on my cheek and forehead. Isabela pulled me to my desk and opened up my diary. She told me, "Write, kitten. It'll make you feel better."

_9:35, 23__rd__ Guardian_

_Dear Anders,_

_You hate me. I saw the fear and anger in your eyes when you ran out the door. I meant to protect you, the Tevinter mages broke my window and tried to take you. I heard them say 'Take the boy'. I didn't think. I forgot about the little boy who had seen enough violence but was not yet accustomed to it. I hated what I did but it was no more than what we usually do. I killed them. And you watched me with frightened eyes, hatred marring the normally honeyed brown. _

_I hate myself. _

_I hate what I did._

_And now you're gone. Someone took you. The Normenza Brothers, Xenon said. I don't know who they are. Just that they've taken you. We're trying to find you now. Or rather, Isabela is trying to find a way to arrange a meeting. They all deal in slavery. I hate to find out what they did to you, what they have done to you. _

_I wish I'd done things differently but the truth is, I am no warrior. I would have died if I tackled them to the floor. It isn't how I'm built but I'm sorry for scaring you like that. It wasn't my intention. I don't know what I can say to you that will make it right. _

_I told you that to hurt someone else was wrong but I never even thought about what you do when someone else hurts you. 'Turn the other cheek', the Chantry says. How often do we really do that? When have we ever done that? Not even Sebastian, an ex-brother of the faith, knows how to do that. He kills with us on a daily basis. I guarantee that he does _not_ turn the other cheek._

_And I am not Sebastian. I don't hold his faith in the Maker. I hold my faith in people, the people I see, touch and love. And in Carver, though he is in the Fade awaiting me. _

_I feel like I have failed in my task, in everything I was supposed to do. I was supposed to make you happy and instead, I've hurt you more than the Templars ever could. _

_I just hope you can understand._

_I hadn't meant to hurt anyone. I only meant to protect. That is what I have always been doing. I don't kill innocent people. I don't hurt the needy, the children or the elderly. I protect. I protect those I love. I protect those that need help. _

_But I cannot really speak of your understanding until you are at the very least safe. Maker, please be safe. There isn't anything I wouldn't give to see you safe. It's sad but I'd even give up the chance to see you wake beside me every morning as a man if it meant you are safe. I'd give away my life and anything that is required. _

_But that's not what is being asked. And there is nothing I can do to help. _

_Perhaps that is the worst part. _

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

The sun was beginning to set as I finished writing my entry and a knock interrupted me before I could mope in self-guilt and misery. When I saw that it was Isabela, my mouth opened but she shook her head, "Not yet. I told them that I'd be here. You'll be the first to know when it's happening."

I sighed in distress and she came to me, tipped my head back and laid her lips against me. Her arms slithered to cup my neck, sliding down my back. I pulled back in shock, "Isabela! You… I… Fenris."

A low, smooth and slithery voice called out from my doorjamb, "Right here."

I stood in shock, totally unable to absorb that Fenris was completely fine watching Isabela kiss me. My mouth opened and shut, trying to find things to say but he moved closer, not dressed in his usual armour, his bare hands grazing my shoulder. He was utterly gentle when he kissed me, his lips barely brushing mine. I couldn't move, not rejecting or accepting their affections. He nipped my lips, not even denting my flesh as he smoothed it out with the tip of his tongue whilst behind me, Isabela loosened the ties of my robes. I woke up and stepped back, tripping in the loosened material, falling back onto the floor.

Insecurities came flooding back, painful memories that I had banished pushed forward into my mind and I stuttered out, "St-stop. Don't." As my bravado slowly recovered, I explained, "Anders. He's still missing. I can't-"

As Isabela picked me off the floor, she told me, "Just try and forget it. Let us take you away from it for a while."A playful leer curled at her lips, "It's not like I haven't wanted you for a while."

Fenris eyed my partially naked body with lust clear in his eyes, "As have I."

I tried to protest, unable to accept how they saw me, "But I am like a sister to you."

"Perhaps," his eyes running down to my legs and back to my eyes, "but we're not related."

The slow seduction came again, Isabela fluttering kisses over my shoulders as Fenris continued his coaxing upon my lips. Everything was wrong. It wasn't Anders. I couldn't do it. It wasn't that Fenris wasn't attractive or Isabela wasn't beautiful and maybe if the past hadn't happened, I'd have no qualms about letting the sensations burn through me but I couldn't. The past _had_ happened.

"I can't," I managed as I slipped between the two of them, turning my back away.

Fenris sensed it straight away, "This isn't just about the mage, is it?"

Isabela guessed, "Shit. You're a virgin."

I shook my head, "I'm not. I'm worse."

In typical Isabela-style, she quipped, "What could be worse than being a virgin?"

I didn't want to explain and said evasively, "It's not really the two of you. I appreciate what you're trying to do for me but… I can't."

"Valentha…" His voice was soothing, gentle and I could hear the question within the one affectionate word that he often called me.

I sat on the edge of the bed, staring at my knees, hands gripping at the sheets beside my legs. I whispered the ugly truth, "I'm frigid. Please understand that I'm not capable of this kind of stuff."

"Something happened?" pried Fenris.

"Tell us, kitten," urged Isabela.

Each sat beside me, their hands caressing and rubbing my body in comfort. I dragged myself backwards and lay back on the softness of the bed, closing my eyes. The memories took me back to a year when I had been at the start of womanhood and I began to explain, "I used to live in Lothering and when I was seventeen, right before the start of the Blight, I fell in love with someone by the name of Philip DeSouren. He was sweet, kind and everything I thought I wanted in a husband. My family wasn't opposed to him either. He came from a nice family and Mother had known him for quite a while. He was a decent gentleman. Then one night, after a picnic by the lake, he laid me down…"

Fenris said bluntly, "He raped you." As he said 'you', there was a protective growl, one that often happened any time I blacked out from a fight.

"No!" I nearly laughed at his protective tone. I touched his face and leaned my head into his shoulder, "No. No. He just… He just got down to business and I wasn't particularly aroused. He didn't rape me but it did hurt. I expect that's how it's supposed to be but since then, I've never felt the need to do something like that. When he _finished_," I emphasised with meaning and they both nodded, "I hadn't. I told him I hadn't and I knew what it was like. I had… Well," I blushed.

Isabela jeered without any malice, "You've played with yourself before!"

I rolled my eyes and continued, "He told me that he had made love to many women but he felt like he was making love to an iceberg. Philip was uncharacteristically cruel that night, telling me I was frigid and stared at him with indifferent eyes. He was _offended_ by me."

I sighed as both their eyes warmed with sympathy. As they lay beside me, both looked at me with care and thinly veiled love in their eyes. I whispered, "I can't do that because it's not possible for me to be with someone else like that. Maybe that's why Anders doesn't like me. He knows."

I turned my face into Fenris' chest, his rough and protesting growl on his lips. He snarled out, "That bastard."

I shrugged, "It doesn't matter."

"It does," cooed Isabela from behind. She dropped a kiss on my shoulder, "It does matter. You're not frigid. He was obviously incapable of looking after a woman and besides, you kiss people. If you were frigid, you wouldn't do that."

It was true. I kissed Isabela on the cheek from time to time. To Bethany and Carver, sisterly kisses on the mouth. I hugged most of my friends often and had, on Sebastian's name day, kissed his cheek. His blush had been on almost the entire night. Still, I told them, "I really do appreciate what you were trying to do but I don't think I can right now."

Fenris began to rise from my bed, nodding his head but before he could leave I pulled at his arm, "Stay. I can't do _that_ but… won't you stay?" I looked at Isabela, who had a serene smile, the kind of smile that doesn't happen very often.

They stayed the night. Isabela was in barely-there underclothes, Fenris bare-chested but still in pants and I remained in my own underwear. No one slept and throughout the night, we shared closed mouth kisses, gentle scraps and caresses. Isabela's fingers, to my surprise, never strayed into more private areas but I was beginning to understand that perhaps, there wasn't anything wrong with me and slowly melted into their kisses. I never knew Fenris could be so gentle but there it was, his lips never rushed and was never urgent, only exploring my mouth with slowness as though he was scared of frightening me.

In the morning, we were exhausted but we rose from the bed without words. Isabela pressed me back into my chair, laying out the diary in my lap with a meaningful look. She went down to ask for breakfast and when Oranna delivered a tray of foods, the three of us ate together. It was quiet, comfortable and friendly. I was calm despite the unknown doom I felt over Anders' disappearance.

Somehow in the morning din, there was a silent consensus that Isabela would go looking for her contact whilst Fenris stayed with me, watching me write.

_9:35, 24__th__ Guardian_

_Dear Anders,_

_I didn't sleep, couldn't fall asleep. A lot of things have happened in the last few hours. We still don't know where you are but I trust Isabela. She'll know. _

_Our group is really going through some ups and downs right now. I screamed and yelled and I don't know what came over me when they tried to push me home. I guess there was only so much we could do but I wasn't able to accept that fact. I didn't want to go home until you were safe in my bed. _

_After writing my entry yesterday, Isabela and Fenris came to me. They were trying to seduce me, to make me forget about my feelings for a while. In a way, they were successful because I had to explain the whole Philip thing. I think Isabela really wants me to write everything down so I guess I will. _

_When I was seventeen and still living in Lothering, I met a boy called Philip DeSouren. He courted me, charmed me with one liners filled with double entendres that I was just beginning to understand. I was young, innocent, naïve and inexperienced. I'm not surprised that I didn't, or well couldn't, resist his charming smiles. He took my breath away but what did I actually know about the art of making love?_

_He seemed to know and he guided me backwards, his hands sliding down my cheeks and collarbones, his lips nipping and sucking at my uncovered breasts. I was nervous but I wanted to please him, letting him do as he wanted. I could feel his hardness against my belly and I began to stiffen, not entirely certain what I was supposed to do. It was like he had already reached the last of his self-restraint and with quick hands, undid my clothes and his own. He wasn't rough but he was quick. _

_The nerves continued to rise and I just lay there, like a sea slug, uncomfortable but also wanting to try the experience. It hurt. Maker, it hurt because I wasn't ready and I had no idea what I was doing. Isabela tells me that he had no idea how to seduce a woman but the past is the past. It happened. When he was finished, he rolled over and I told him I hadn't. I wasn't sure what possessed me to say that. I think I was disappointed and I wanted him to know how uncared for I felt. He called me names, told me that he was making love to an iceberg and that I didn't even want it. He told me he felt like he was _raping_ a sister – I didn't tell Isabela and Fenris this. _

_Philip turned me away, of course, and I've been unable to commit that act since. I felt humiliated, embarrassed and I shied away from contact with others. My family knew of my hurt but Carver understood the entire situation. He knew everything which was why he spent as much time as he could with me, much to Peach's chagrin. He broke it off with her because she had bad things to say about me. _

_I explained as much as I was comfortable with sharing to Isabela and Fenris. They stayed the night, we didn't do much. We shared kisses and gentle strokes but that was all. There was something about it that didn't feel right. Not bad but not what I want. Of course, I'm not certain I can ever have you so maybe I shouldn't complain. _

_I felt fragile as Fenris teased me with soft kisses. And perhaps, that's what I am in this regard. I felt like a delicate doll when Isabela grazed her fingertips over my flesh. It wasn't wrong but it wasn't _right _either. I'm a little confused. _

_I am truly surprised at Fenris. I never realized how gentle he could be. That being said, I don't think he feels the attraction for me as he does for Isabela. There is love between them whether they admit it or not. The love they share with me lets them touch me but the love is mostly platonic. It isn't the same. I could feel it in their touches last night. It's not the same. They are _not_ in love with me. _

_In the morning light though, my worries are back. I need to see you. I need to make sure you are safe. I worry. I fear. Please be safe, Anders. Please understand why I acted the way I had. Please understand the way Isabela and Fenris did when I told them the truth about my past. _

_Please._

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

As I closed my diary with a gentle thump, Fenris strode behind me and his hands massaged at my shoulders as he murmured into my ear, "You really care for the mage, don't you?"

I nodded and linked my fingers with his, our hands resting upon my shoulders. I began, "Fenris…"

He hushed me gently, "No, don't speak. I know that your heart is his but Isabela and I will be here when you need us."

I turned in my seat, staring at him with inquisitive eyes, "What is with the both of you?"

He shrugged, "We're together. We have sex. We see other people. What we have in common is the affection we hold for you. We'll be here if you need us."

I stood, almost nose to nose to Fenris and murmured, "Unconditional?"

"Unconditional but for one."

I quirked my eyebrows, pulling back in surprise and he told me, "You will never try to push me away. We are family, Valentha. Do not push me away."

I smiled, "As you wish, Fenris."

"Good," He growled out the word before his lips met mine, sealing the promise with a kiss. This kiss was all platonic, hard but platonic. This time, there was nothing pulsing beneath the surface. He did not stare at me with the eyes of a lover. I couldn't understand the change in one night. He had eyed my body hungrily but his kisses last night were not sexual. It was confusing but that was Fenris, he was confusing. If I had to put it in a sentence, I would probably say that both Fenris and Isabela found me attractive and could very well seduce me, sleep with me and touch me but the love they held for me was_ mostly_ platonic.

When night began to fall, Isabela shoved the bedroom door open and hollered out, "Come on. No time to explain. We're meeting at midnight!"

I thought to myself, hasty thoughts clouding up my mind; please be safe, Anders and please… please understand.

* * *

><p>AN: Not as long as the last one but an exploration of the dynamic shared between Hawke, Fenris and Isabela. Tell me what you thought of their relationship! Please R&R!

Love, Ann


	10. The Truths We Learn To Believe

**Chapter 10 - The Truths We Learn To Believe**

_Hales_

I paced outside my house, armed with a flask of potion that I had taken back home. My group slowly filtered around me. Sebastian was the first to arrive, his eyes alert and his hair windblown from sprinting from the Chantry. Merrill and Aveline arrived soon after and Varric was the last, a little puffed from the swift walk.

Isabela stated, "The meeting is going to be slightly beyond the borders of the city. It's just past Darktown." Then she asked me, "What is that thing in your hand?"

I shrugged, "Anders' potion. I don't know if it'll come in handy but I'll use it if I need to."

We began the long trek towards Darktown, taking multiple shortcuts to make better time. The back alleys were quiet that night, no thugs or thieves to speak of. I was thankful. The frantic feeling was rising into my throat, I felt physically sick and I could taste bile at the back of my throat. I felt so nervous, my heart beating loudly in my ears until my entire face felt overly warm. The adrenaline pumped in my veins. I felt so awake that my mind spun a little.

"What should we expect?" asked Sebastian, his brows drawn together.

"I'm not sure. Lots of Tevinter mages, I suspect," answered Isabela.

"Will there be blood magic and spirits?" asked Merrill, her tone and attitude almost totally unaffected by Anders' kidnapping. I heard the hum of power that issued from Fenris when she spoke, his hatred almost tinging the air with a scent, like lyrium burning, metallic and coarse.

Varric put a hand on Merrill's shoulder, casting Fenris a warning look, "Don't worry, Daisy. I'm sure we're going to be fine."

We trudged downhill, where at its base was a tiny firelight. A group of men circled about, each holding mages. In the darkness, I stopped walking and the others paused behind me. I whispered, "Sebastian, Isabela, Varric, scout the area. Be careful. Come back and tell me numbers and if you know where Anders is being kept."

We stayed partly up the hill, pacing back and forth as the three of them slinked into the darkness, utterly hidden by trees. I saw no shadows. Everything was quiet. I watched the group of Tevinter mages below us, watching as they paced. I was close enough to hear snippets of the conversation.

"Are you sure this isn't just some ruse? It didn't come from Xenon's urchin."

"The second message was from Xenon's urchin. It said that this was a legitimate arrangement."

"I don't like this. And they are late. Not to mention, what can that Hawke woman do that we can't. She's just some Deep Roads explorer. What magic could she wield?"

"Her wealth buys her position but she hides more than we know. There are secrets behind the woman's façade."

I whispered as the breeze shifted, flipping my curls haphazardly around my face, "A woman's heart is a sea of secrets, friend."

I heard shifting to my right and turned to stare in that direction. As I squinted, I saw three shadows and smiled, "News?" I asked.

Isabela told me, "Twenty mages. Two warriors guarding Anders."

Varric scoffed, "You neglect to mention that they've kept him in a cage, Rivaini. There are a few talking about trading Blondie when Hawke delivers the secret of eternal grace and youth."

Sebastian nodded, "Anders is being kept a little way from the camp. If we separate the group, we can do much more."

I told the three rogues, "You deal with the guards, protect Anders and keep someone with Anders and out of the way. Make sure he doesn't see the violence. The remaining two, attack and flank from behind when I give the signal. I will lift the bottle of potion in the air. I would suggest Sebastian and Varric. You can do a lot more damage without getting into the fray. Isabela, do you mind?"

She shook her head.

I turned to Fenris and Aveline, "You two will have to stay in front of me. Keep them away from me and Merrill. Merrill?"

"Yes, what can I do? Tell me what I can do." She stepped forward, enthusiastically taking out her knife.

I flinched, wincing at what she was prepared to do. I pushed it away and told her, "Keep your Rock Armour on and cast Arlathan's Grace. That will keep you healed up and capable to throwing spells around. Use as necessary. Don't use blood magic unless the situation is utterly dire."

I nodded towards the three rogues and once more, they disappeared into the shadows. We waited a few minutes, hoping to stall as long as possible so that the rogues had time to kill the guards and unlock Anders. After that, I walked down with Fenris and Aveline in front as our bodyguards and Merrill behind me. We slowly strode into the campsite.

An old Tevinter magister greeted us, "Friends!" he cried out sincerely though I doubted how kind he truly was. Fenris began to glow just at the sight of his robes and sensing trouble, I briefly caught his hand when I passed him. I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, "Save it. Let's get down to business. I want the boy and you get the secrets in return."

One by one, Tevinter mages surrounded us. Each slithered from behind trees and bush, behind large boulders and rocks, trying to surround and flank us. I rolled my eyes at their attempts. It would not save them. The magister was older, bearded and wrinkled. There was dryness about his skin that came from excess use of blood magic. I was certain that he was not as old as he appeared.

"Very well," the magister said, "the secrets?"

I laughed, a harsh and cruel laugh that sounded strange even to my own ears. I sneered, "The boy?"

The Tevinter mages began to step closer, threateningly trying to lock the space between them and us. One of them sneered, "Secrets first."

I smiled, full of knowing. In the trees behind the magister, I could clearly see the outline of Bianca, readied in the air. I stated, "I can do you one better," and lifted the bottle of purple potion up in the air. The magister lost focus. The mages lost focus. Sebastian and Varric's bolts and arrows were flung into the campsite. The magister was the first to fall.

Fenris shoved his hand into someone's chest cavity. Aveline sliced her sword through the air as she bellowed loudly. I called for my elemental spells first, casting firestorms from the skies and then alternating into cones of cold.

Pull of the abyss to create a torpedo in the campsite. It drew enemies in, making them fall off balance. Crushing prison to trap a few mages inside a cage so that they were distracted, unable to attack us. Merrill cast spirit bolt, slamming energy forces into a man, causing him to scream as his ribs slowly broke from within from the impact. Chain lightening was the last, frying the nerves of all the men in the general area that dared to harm _my Anders_.

Spells and curses were cast back, ice cutting at our skin, a stonefist hit the side of my leg, cracking my shin bone. I stumbled as the last few mages fell but I lost focus, I didn't see the Tevinter curse that was aimed at me. A large black flower, its petals healthy but tainted by darkness hung into the air and as that mage fell down, it projected to my arm. It sizzled my skin, tore it to pieces. The pain swung through my body. Not just onto my arm but everywhere. It was like explosion from within, each of my organs pulling apart until I fell against the ground.

I lost my breath and my head hit the grass. I rolled onto my side as I grabbed onto my right arm, the burn too much to bear. In the background, I heard Fenris growl at Merrill, "What happened to her?"

"A blood curse, the Artehilien." Merrill squeaked out as she ripped the sleeve from my arm.

Fenris sucked breath, "The Dark Lily, it will mar her flesh forever."

"I don't care," I wheezed out, "Just make the pain stop. Make it go away."

"What's happening to her?" asked a little voice, shy and timid. I opened my eyes to see Anders hiding behind Isabela's leg. I smiled to myself, he was safe. I gave into the pain, letting darkness take me.

_Isabela_

I didn't follow her instructions. I let Anders watch the violence. First off, he wouldn't let me cover his eyes. He _wanted _to watch. The boy really needed to make up his mind. Secondly, I don't know, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. This was who Hawke really was, a fighter, a protector. He needed to know. To understand.

I wasn't about to tell Anders that Hawke loved him. I love my own skin too much. Hawke would throw a fireball in my direction and generally, she has good aim. I wouldn't risk it. That didn't mean that Hawke was right in leaving Anders ignorant of the truth.

I could tell he was still afraid. He hid behind my legs as we watched Hawke roll about on the floor, a dark patch of black singeing her right, upper arm. It could pass as a tattoo, it was shaped like a flower. It wasn't just her flesh being torn out, it was more like a burn, an imprint, five distinct petals shaped in her skin. There were gradients of colour, dark black around the edges but greys and other tones of darkness around the center. It did truly look like a tattoo, albeit a frightfully black one.

The problem was – she was dying. As she fell unconscious, Sebastian had poured a healing potion in to her mouth but even in sleep, she whimpered in pain and her arm refused to close. The wound was ripping into her skin. Merrill stuttered out, "You need blood magic to heal the wound."

I think everyone forgot about how bad blood magic was. Everyone was too worried about Hawke. We all screamed at her varying versions of, "Do it!" and "Save her!"

Merrill whispered her elvhen words, her voice chanting out some kind of story, I imagine. As her voice reached its peak in volume, she sliced her hand and pressed the cut against Hawke's wound. She continued to chant, spitting out broken syllables as her forehead broke out in sweat. It was taking a lot out of her. We watched with bated breath as Merrill eventually lifted her hand, the blood split on Hawke's skin was slowly absorbing into her arm. Little by little, the black on her arm became a rosy tinge like a lily, a firelily, the ones Orlais used to celebrate a new year.

Merrill bit out before she too passed out, "It worked."

Varric carried Merrill, sweeping her into his hairy, masculine and thick arms. He shook his head, partly exasperated and partly in relief. I gave Fenris a meaningful glance and he slid his arms beneath Hawke's neck and knees, her injured arm lying limp and swaying about in the air.

Anders stared at the blotched skin, unable to comprehend what had really happened. For Hawke, I thought, I had to explain it all to Anders. For Hawke.

Everyone separated once we reached Kirkwall city, each going off into their own direction. Fenris and I, along to Anders went back to Hawke Estate. Oranna helped bathe Anders and Hawke separately as Fenris and I paced in the library. Fenris snarled at me, "This is the abomination's fault."

I rolled my eyes, "What's done is done. Stop brooding and help me work out a way to solve the situation. Anders is still scared."

"What were you thinking, letting him watch the fight?" he punched the wall fiercely but the marble did not dent, unlike his gauntlets.

"He needed to see what Hawke was willing to do for him," I answered simply.

Oranna disrupted Fenris' next scathing remark, by telling us, "Mistress Hawke is in bed and dressed. Little Anders is also clean, if you wish to speak with him."

I warned Fenris, "You be civil, Serah. I am not going to do this if with you threatening him."

Fenris growled in insult but nodded anyway. Together, we went up to see Hawke and Anders. The little boy was sitting in Hawke's chair and I could see the confusion and conflict in his eyes. He wanted to go to her but he was also too frightened to do so.

I sat at the edge of Hawke's bed, facing Anders and told him, "Do you think that Hawke is a bad person still?"

Anders shook his head with some reluctance and I told him, "She's a good person."

He whispered brokenly, "She told me that hurting other people is bad."

I nodded, "That's true but Hawke doesn't do that."

"Hales doesn't?"

I shook my head as Fenris growled out, "She protects people. She defends. She is like an angel who defeats the evil men to save good people, families, children like you. Can you understand that?"

Anders stared at his knees, his bottom lip jutting out, "That's what she was doing, wasn't she? She was trying to protect me?"

We nodded at her gravely, hoping he understood the gravity of the situation. Fenris snarled, "It is because of you that she has that scar on her arm. If you did not run, she wouldn't be like this."

Anders cried, tears falling onto his hands that had bunched into fists on his lap. I shot Fenris a death glare until he relented, staring back into the fire that burned in Hawke's bedroom. The little boy sniffled, wiping the back of his hand against his face.

I told him, "You don't need to believe us straight away. You should consider it for yourself but you need to know that she won't hurt you. I think she would really like it if you slept beside her."

We watched as he crawled into bed beside her, his fingers gently probing the flower that was etched into her skin. He kissed it gently before closing his eyes and I drew the blankets over him.

I took Fenris by the hand, pulling him away from the fireplace. He stared at Hawke's pale face and brushed his lips against hers with aching gentleness. My throat tightened, he _never_ looked at me like that. He was rough, hard, always pulling off my clothes without care or kindness.

Fenris was particularly rough that night. He barely undressed me, pulling aside my underthings before thrusting deep inside me. He was venting his fear, his worries over Hawke on me. His hands gripped my hips tight enough to make me wince but I enjoyed it. His armoured torso bit into my skin but I revelled in it. His teeth nibbled and dented deeply into my neck and shoulders but I moaned from the sensation. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him in closer for more. However, when he rolled over me, spent and exhausted, I wanted more. I found pleasure in his rough taking but a part of me wanted that something that Hawke tended to encourage from men – love.

_Hales_

Vivid, bright colours filled my dreams. It was just a swirl of colour that refused to abate. I found myself walking in halls of colour, nothing was real, nothing was solid, everything around me shifted and played until I felt dizzy and sick.

I woke with the bright light piercing my eyes, my exhaustion not quite wearing off. It was almost afternoon. I groaned out loud, throwing the blankets over my head but I couldn't fall asleep. I slid from the bed to walk to the reflecting glass. I stared at myself, pale but alive. I looked at my arm where a flower was adorned. It was bright red, the colour of ruby roses but it was in the shape of a firelily, bold and vibrant. I touched the skin, it barely stung. It was healed over thanks to Merrill. I would have to thank her later. I never planned to mark my skin with a tattoo but knowing where it came from, knowing how I got it, I knew I could learn to love it. Then it hit me.

Anders.

I rushed out of the bedroom but the scene I found shocked me. Oranna was carrying a tray, heavily loaded with different plates of food and drink. Anders was strolling up beside her, telling her, "She likes breakfast."

When he reached the top of the stairs, he looked at me shyly and then told me in an adult, no nonsense tone, "You should be in bed."

He came at me, pushing my legs towards the direction of the bedroom. I complied, unsure what to expect but pleased by his attitude. He seemed warmer, more accepting. As I sat in bed, Oranna placed the tray down at the foot of it. Anders sat beside me, crossing his legs. He murmured, eyeing the food, "I thought you might want to eat. I told Oranna to cook."

I said sedately, "Thank you, Anders."

We lapsed into silence, no one reaching for the food. I had to ask, it was on the tip of my tongue and it spilled out, "Do you… Are you still upset with me?"

Anders shook his head, "I didn't know about you. 'Bela told me that you only hurt people when you have to. It doesn't matter. You won't hurt me."

He reached for a cookie and hesitantly passed it to me. I took a small bite and chewed. He continued to explain, "I'm sorry I ran away. I was scared."

"I know," I said, "I understand."

Anders sniffled as he stood up and stared into my eyes. Honeyed brown against my own. He murmured, "Do you hate me?"

I shook my head, "I love you, Anders."

He began to cry and he hugged me close, wrapping his arms around my neck. He asked, "You've got a thing on your arm."

I pulled backwards to kiss his head. I pointed at it, "It isn't so bad. At least it is shaped like a flower."

He kissed it, the way a parent does when they see their child hurt. The way my father kissed my knees when I skinned it falling down. Anders mumbled out, "I love you, Hales."

"I love you, too."

_9:35, 25__th__ Guardian_

_Dear Anders,_

_I'm not entirely sure what Isabela said to you but I owe her drinks at the Hanged Man. Somehow, she seemed to make you understand. I'll ask her later, maybe. I guess it doesn't matter. I just want to make you happy before you turn back into a man. _

_Imagine my relief to know you still love me. You understand. It was more than I really dared to hope. I only wanted you safe but you're happy. You're happy and you feel safe with me. We slept some more after breakfast, too tired for any activity. You managed to sleep without any nightmares. _

_You're better now than before. More secure in your own skin. It's nice to see. _

_Being a child, even a child as complicated as yourself, it must be simple. Simpler than being an adult. A child either likes or dislikes, being trusts or distrusts. Once a firm conclusion is made, it seems pointless to argue with it. You have forgiven me or you truly believe I mean you no harm. There are no grey areas. It's not so surprising that part of me wishes that you'll never grow up, just so I can always have your love._

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

* * *

><p>AN: Sorry, this update took so long. I've had a lot of assignments happening but on a good note, I got some back and I did well! Yay! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading and as always, please read and review.

Love, Ann


	11. The Truths That Can Never Be Denied

**Chapter 11 – The Truths That Can Never Be Denied**

_Hales_

_9:35, 26__th__ Guardian_

_Dear Anders,_

_You had fun today, dragging me all over Hightown for the local parade and Festival of Horrors. You put on a scary mask and tried to convince Oranna that it was a good idea to hide yourself under a sheet so you could scare me in the bedroom. _

_I cannot believe you sometimes. She actually let you. What's worse, you managed to convince Sebastian that it'd be hilarious and he stood by, idly leaning against the doorjamb as you and Widge swooped in. I wasn't scared by you. Well not much anyway. You were only covered in sheets but you did surprise me. The yelp I let off was loud enough to wake half of Hightown. _

_On another note, Xenon's urchin came around. He delivered a heap of dusty tomes and a letter. The letter basically read that he suspects it was the panacea that caused your reverting into a child combined with some of the other ingredients. He's not entirely sure which combination but he knows panacea had something to do with it. _

_I need to do a lot of reading but if it is true, it looks like we need a flower that causes death. It's not comforting, the thought, but it may just work. When I read more, I'll let you know. _

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

_9:35, 28__th__ Guardian_

_Did you know that when you drink the potion affects what happens to you? You drank your potion two days after the full moon. If you had drank it on the full moon, you could have turned into a new born child. That thought is rather scary. I read today that in any aging potion, you have to drink it in accordance to the slivers of the moon. So, if we want to age you twenty years, we're looking at two days prior to full moon. That puts it around 18__th__ Drakonis. _

_We have almost a month to find and brew you a full cure. _

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

_9:35, 29__th__ Guardian_

_Happy Birthday, Anders! You finally made it to six. Or twenty-six depending on how you look at it. The presents are mostly for when you are six though. Toys, toys and more toys. That and cookies and sugar and cake. Endless amounts of cake. I swear, I am never feeding you dessert ever again. As amusing as it was to watch you bounce off the walls for three hours straight before you slumped into a heap on the parlour floor, much to my mother's amusement, I was running around after you much of the time. _

_My friends were useless. They sat back and just laughed themselves to tears. I feel like sulking but I'm too tired to do even that. _

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

_9:35, 2__nd__ Drakonis _

_Dear Anders,_

_I haven't been doing enough reading. It's been difficult to keep my eyes open at night. We play all day and it is fairly tiring, keeping up with you. By the time you fall asleep, it is fairly late and I don't have all that much time to read. _

_The panacea. Apparently, it is a flower that heals off wounds. According to legend, the plant was grown from the waters of the Eternal Spring. Drinking a little of that water each day was supposed to keep you young forever. The flower is the cure to all diseases, according to the story I read. It doesn't actually, of course. The combination of the flower placed in the potion, drunk under the different shape of the moons, it caused you to de-age twenty years. _

_I've written letters to Xenon and we've been going back and forth. He's apparently tried to drink panacea on its own but it hasn't done anything for him. There must be something about the combination of all the ingredients put together. _

_So, it seems we need the opposite. Something that does the opposite of panacea. Some kind of plant that is grown from the waters of, I'm not sure whether there is some un-eternal spring. _

_I'm not even sure if I'm making sense. Sleep first, read more tomorrow. _

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

_9:35, 3__rd__ Drakonis_

_Dear Anders,_

_I had someone keep you occupied all day. Varric and a few others (which means everyone) spent the day with you, knowing that I needed to read. I spent the day at the Black Emporium, talking with Xenon. I didn't end up getting much sleep last night. I thought up of a problem. If we can find, for argument's sake, and use some kind of flower that is the opposite of panacea, it would cause damage to you. We would need to find some way to overcome that. _

_I contemplated the thought of reversing the ingredients of your first potion. Elfroot instead of Deathroot. Lifestone instead of Frostrock. Lyrium dust and spirit shards are fairly neutral ingredients. Those could go in the same way and allowed to brew. _

_Xenon had the urchin read with me. He came with multiple books, tags hanging out of them for the suitable pages that I should read. Long story short, I found a lot of things. The opposite of panacea is not some un-eternal spring. It's a Tree of Death, a type of tree that has the poison of a raven's wing well absorbed into its leaves. _

_The story is something about two lovers who were separated by the Old Gods. One of the Gods fell in love with the girl. When she refused his advances, he turned her into a raven and killed the boy. A tree grew from the body and the God tried to kill it but the raven protects it, covering it with poison that cannot be handled by a God. Something tragic and romantic like that. It's awful and honestly, I don't care for it. The poison causes damage but with enough elfroot, it should heal the damage and revert you back into a twenty-six year old. As such, my list of ingredients are thus:_

_Elfroot, lifestone, spirit shards, lyrium dust, a leaf from the Tree of Death. I've ordered these ingredients. _

_The problem then becomes, what is the opposite of Tilia and Artemisia?_

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

I closed my diary and pressed it against the table, folding my arms on the table so I could rest my chin upon them. I watched the sun beginning to fall, pinks and purples beginning to brush over the sky like paint upon a canvas. Even brushstrokes of vibrant orange greeted me, the light breaking through behind the clouds. Tears began to well in my eyes as I realized that sometime soon, Anders would not be beside me and life would change once more, turning my world upside down again until it was as it used to be.

"Enchantment?" a shy Sandal asked from my doorway into my room.

"Hello, Sandal." I said lightly, trying to gouge out from deep within a whisper of happiness that would please the savant.

He trudged into my room to stand beside me, staring at the window. He said with wonder in his voice, child-like and naïve, "Pretty sky."

I nodded but did not respond much aside from that. Sandal touched the silver enchantment that he had given me and said with a bright voice, "For Anders!"

"I know," I said gently, "I will use it but I need to work out the remainder of the ingredients." I wasn't sure what I was thinking, trying to explain everything to Sandal but I did it anyway, "If I want to fix Anders, I need to use elfroot and lifestone but I also need to use spirit shard, lyrium dust and a leaf from the Tree of Death. I don't know about the tilia and Artemisia. Once I work that out-"

Sandal stomped his feet and smacked the egg into my hand, causing my joints to pop. He cried out, "Use this!"

And then it occurred to me. Slowly, as the realization sunk in, I asked carefully, "So instead of using the tilia and Artemisia, you want me to see your enchantment instead?"

Sandal laughed, his giggle squeaking and bouncing off the walls. He nodded and cried out reverently, "Enchantment!" It was reminiscent to how someone would say with exasperation tinging their voice, "Finally!"

It was strange but I trusted Sandal. I trusted in his powers. Though he didn't behave very intelligently, there were moments of genius behind the cheerful face. He saw things but I wouldn't doubt its legitimacy. He didn't always know how to express his thoughts but one way or another, he understood what others said to him. He wasn't as defenceless and naive as one would like to think. I believed in him and so did Anders. Perhaps it was better than searching for more exotic plants and herbs.

I hugged the boy and he claimed, "I like Hawkey!" before running out of my room. I too rose from my seat and went downstairs to help out with dinner, certain that everyone would come around for dinner after spending a day with Anders.

My heart became heavy as I placed dishes along the sides of the table, setting knives and forks out. Anders would be gone from me soon. Too soon. I didn't have all that long with him. It had only been two weeks and I would only have the little Anders for all of about a month but Maker, I was used to having a child in my life. It made me yearn for my own child, a tiny being growing within me. Perhaps, a junior Anders running around my feet. I laughed at myself deprecatingly, like Anders would ever fall for someone like me.

Dinner was a rowdy and noisy affair but I stayed quiet, my heart too heavy to bring words to my mouth. Anders seemed to notice for he often found excuses to poke me into smiling or sharing a piece of morsel from his plate with me. Varric also noticed and commented, "You're awfully quiet, Hawke. What happened today?"

I announced with a little sadness, "I think I've got the cure. I can't be sure that it will work but at this point in time, it's our best bet. I've already ordered the ingredients that are required and we know the date for Anders to drink the potion so, it's just a matter of waiting and putting things together and enjoying whatever time we have left prior to that."

Anders placed his hand on top of mine, soft pudgy flesh contrasting with my feminine fingertips. He asked simply, "Why are you so sad?"

I smiled at him and lied to him, "I'm not sad. Just tired." Anders let it go, nodding to himself and satisfied with the lie. My insides curled up, I hated lying to him but sometimes, there are truths that must be hidden away. I just wasn't sure if it was for my sake or for the child's sake. Maybe it didn't really matter.

Aveline told me, "Well then since you have no other existing commitments, the Viscount needs your help to resolve the Qunari issue. You will be there tomorrow to see him, I assume?"

I sighed gently. Life had indeed become very busy. I knew of the Qunari issue. Everyday the stress was beginning to take its toll, the power balance between Kirkwall and Qunari becoming increasingly tense. Fractures were beginning to show. Selfishly, I did not want to be involved. Politics was not my strong suit and I wanted nothing more than a quiet life. I had limited days with Anders. I didn't want to waste them.

I shook my head, "I will go to see him but I will not do anything. I have responsibilities at home."

She disagreed, tension beginning to fill the room, "You've found your solution. There is nothing left to keep you."

I gestured aimlessly, "As I said, I will go but I'm not about to do anything. The Viscount has a lot of men. He does not need me."

Isabela countered, "Just leave her alone. She doesn't want to be involved."

Aveline's armoured fist hit the table, causing her dish to jump. She scolded, "The Arishok claims that someone stole from him. He won't leave Kirkwall until he finds what he is looking for!"

I looked at her and countered, "And why are you telling me this? Do I look like the thief to you? I didn't steal his – whatever. I don't know who did. Why are you asking me? You are the Guard Captain! This is _not_ my responsibility!"

Aveline was at wit's end, shouting at me, "Kirkwall needs you! The Arishok wants to speak with you!"

I maintained my calm, "Then I will tell the Arishok what I've told you. I know not where his something is and I won't ever know."

She repeated, this time her tone becoming dangerous, "Kirkwall needs you. Where is your loyalty?"

I began to raise my voice, each word slightly louder than the one before, "My loyalty is, first and foremost, to my family. I need to look after my family. I can only do so much for Kirkwall."

I did not wish to mention Anders specifically but it was implied. Aveline caught it and began to expose the truth of the matter.

"It's hundreds and thousands of people's lives against Anders? You have serious priority issues." Aveline shook her head in disappointment.

I turned away from her, "Leave it. My priorities are my family."

It was unlike Aveline to be so cruel but she sneered at me, "He _isn't_ your family. He'll _never_ be your family." She pushed away from the table, towering over me, "And if he were here, he'd find you cowardly, hiding behind a child as an excuse. I doubt he'd ever want to be a part of your family. I might not have liked the man but at least he fought for what he believed in. I can't say the same about you."

Each word cut me deeply, revealing to the world my affections for Anders and how he would never return them. It was cruel, a nasty trick that Aveline was using to get back at me for the harsh words I said against her after the incident with Feynriel. Though my throat constricted and tears threatened behind my eyes, I managed to croak out, "Say what you like against me, Aveline but I know what I am fighting for. I have my purpose and that, for all your jibing, is my family –Anders included. I have a duty, a loyalty to my friends and family and it is greater than the loyalty I hold to Kirkwall."

"Don't try to justify your selfishness with noble purpose! We all know about your obsession with Ander!" She derided and scorned. It took every ounce of control I had within me not to set her hair on fire, to give Varric a real reason to call her 'Red'.

I answered coldly, "Then at the very least, I _know_ what I want. I don't flit from one thought to another, wanting to be in charge of Kirkwall, wanting to give it all up in another second. At least I chose what I wanted and I've endured throughout. Can I say the same about you? You may, to the outsider's appearance, be doing more public and noble acts than I am but it is empty if you don't really feel it. At least I don't try to pretend to be something I'm not."

We were at an impasse, each and every person at the table quiet, watching and waiting for Aveline's imminent explosion or perhaps my tears. None occurred. She pushed away and left, stomping out the door.

I slumped into my seat, the cushion beneath me sinking under my weight. I continued to eat, like nothing had happened but everyone was staring at me. Even Anders. I pretended not to notice, sipping dark libation from my goblet. The tension grew. I put the goblet down onto the table, it slammed against the wood harder than necessary.

"What?" I demanded.

Anders stared at me avidly, curious eyes piercing through me. I avoided it but I could not avoid his questions when he asked, "Why did she say that? She said you were obsessed with me. What does that mean?"

I shook my head, trying to placate him, "It doesn't mean anything. We were just fighting. We don't mean what we say."

He wouldn't hear my excuses and reminded me, "You said you wouldn't lie to me."

"I…" I sighed and relented, giving him the half-truth, "Aveline knows that I love you very much. She was trying to hurt me because I didn't want to go see the Viscount. I'd rather spend time with you."

Isabela scoffed, "Hawke, please. Just tell him."

Everyone shifted uncomfortably as I glared down the table but Isabela refused to even flinch away. The others grumbled or coughed out their agreements with her and I nearly threw my hands up in frustration.

"Tell me what? Tell me what?" Anders asked everyone and then looked at me with impatient eyes, "What aren't you telling me?"

"She loves you as a boy but she's in love with you as a man, sweet thing," Isabela supplied easily, announcing to the whole world of my affections.

I wanted the subject dropped but it wasn't. Anders demanded of me the truth, "You are in love with me when I'm big? So when I'm twenty-six, you love me, too?"

I nodded, "Yes Anders. I love you, as boy or man," I whispered, staring at my knees.

"So, are we married when I'm grown up?" he asked me.

I nearly screamed in frustration. I had been hurt by Aveline's words. I _could not_ handle the stress I felt from his questioning. There was a painful clenching around my heart and I couldn't help but drop my fork. Varric saw my expression, saw my eyebrow twitch in discomfort and answered for me, "No, Anders. You and Hawke are just friends."

"Why? Mages can get married." Anders touched my face with gentle hands, turning my head so that our eyes locked. He told me, "When I'm grown up again, we'll get married. I love you. You're pretty. We should get married."

Seeing his honest expression, hearing his simple and practical statement, my heart melted and I couldn't help but laugh. I kissed the top of his head and shook my own, "I love you, Anders."

"Will you marry me, Hales?" he asked, completely unaware of what he was really asking. To him, it was all very simple. Two people living together. He didn't understand what a relationship truly was. He didn't understand romantic love, the ceaseless compromising, the complications that arose... all of it, what did he really understand?

"It's not that simple, Anders..."I tried to say but he interrupted, "You said you love me. I love you. Love is what brings two people together. Two people who love each other _very much_ get married."

Isabela coughed an undertone, "People who love each other _very much_ do a lot more than just get married." Sebastian kicked her under the table.

"You should marry me," Anders concluded assertively then pouted, "Don't say no?"

He had a way of seeing the world, the right way perhaps. Where love was simple and life was simple. It wasn't like that in real life but neither would I fault his logic and what point was there to fault it? It would only upset him and he wouldn't really understand anyway. Fenris snickered in the background as everyone tried to stifle their giggles. I blushed, like Anders was actually proposing and teased him, "We'll see…"

Anders nodded, satisfied with the answer. "Alright, we'll get married when I'm grown up again."

Isabela cooed, "Tied down by a six year old. Maker, that's funny."

I threw my napkin at her as everyone jeered, teased and laughed at my blushing face. Anders giggled too but I don't think he understood what was funny.

The topic had been dropped and it had been far too late. Though it had ended on a good note rather than in tears or heartbreak, it wasn't something I wanted Anders to know. I wasn't sure whether Anders would retain his childhood memories but if he did, I hadn't wanted him to know about my feelings. Though he would never be unkind about them, it would be awkward.

I preferred to be his friend and have him in my life than have him know of my feelings and never see him but I suppose that there are some truths that can never be denied, no matter how hard you try.

* * *

><p>AN: I've gotten a lot of reviews about the actions of Fenris and Isabela. I'm very pleased to have induced such a response. Thank you for all the reviews.

My interpretation of Fenris as a character was a man of great strength but regardless, he is "human" and has weaknesses. Just as he can fall prey to a demon in the Fade, he can fall prey to Isabela's influences especially where Hawke is involved for in his own way, he loves her very much. As for Isabela, though she may have a heart of gold, her heart isn't always in the right place. She means well but that doesn't mean she does the right thing. She thought that providing Hawke with "comfort" was a solution to the problem because she's not sure what else she could provide. There are issues within Isabela, she wants love but she's afraid of it too. Sex seems to be what she can give and receive because she's afraid to take that plunge.

In my fanfiction, I was really hoping to give my characters a little more depth. I felt like I knew very little about each character in the game process because there were about 4 conversations during the entire game. Just as in this chapter, Aveline gives another side of her normally good behaviour. There's more to a person than we know. I thought I'd explore that. I hope it went well. Let me know what you think.

On another note, I'm swooning in my corner of the internet. Isn't baby Anders just ever so sweet? Please R&R!

Love, Ann


	12. The Truths That Make Us

**Chapter 12 – The Truths That Make Us **

_Hales_

After dinner, Anders convinced everyone to play with him. He pulled out his toy swords, one in each hand, playing the role of Garahel, the elven Grey Warden who had united all of Thedas against the Blight. He fought against my friends, most of whom decided to be Darkspawn aside from Isabela, who claimed, "I'm too pretty to be Darkspawn."

Ser Silkie was deemed as a mighty Grey Warden, fighting with Anders. She mostly purred, standing on his shoulder, claws digging into the cloth of his robes as Anders ran about the house, crying out and giggling in happiness until she got tired and jumped onto the banister of the stairs. I decided to play the archdemon, Andoral, bringing little sparks of fire to life as though about to breathe fire. Anders never had the heart to hit me with his wooden sword. Instead, running from me and calling out, "You can't catch me! You can't catch me!"

I pretended to growl, roaring out, "I am the Dragon of Slaves and I will eat you up and gobble you down!" I swooped behind Anders, picking him up and tickling him until he wriggled in my arms, panting from laughter. He poked me when I stopped, telling me in a puffed tone, "You can't eat me! I won't even let you bite me!"

Isabela chuckled, "And the innuendos just don't stop."

I smacked her arm to berate her but giggled all the same when I realized what we had said. At some point into the night, Varric disappeared for a short while before returning with marshmallows, a child's favourite treat. Anders had tried it with cautiousness but once the sugary flavour touched the tip of his tongue, he was forever begging for more. I tried to confiscate most of them away from his prying hands but when he quivered his bottom lip, widening his eyes to beg for more, I rolled my eyes and reluctantly relented.

It was well past midnight before he finally fell asleep and though I was tired, the running around and chasing of him and Sandal made me feel wide awake at the same time. It was strange feeling. Slowly, my group left one by one until I settled into the library, thinking I was alone though I locked the door behind me. I lay Anders' diary on my lap and opened up to that one entry that I knew would make my entire body heat. I just wanted to read it, one more time and pretend it was me that he was speaking of.

_By the Maker himself, she is beautiful. She didn't know it but I was watching her. Watching her stroll through the markets with hips swinging from side to side… what I wouldn't give to slide my hands all over her body and see her look of bliss gracing her face. _

I reached underneath my dress, the soft cotton shift that I wore, gently pulling the hem to my upper thighs. I gently scraped my fingers against my mound as I continued to read.

_I can almost see it now… head tipped back, a flush caressing down her skin, back arched… She'd taste like a dream… I'd trail down her body and kiss each section of her skin that was exposed to me… I'd caress and touch, grip and feather, I'd slide a finger into her and watch her face change, her inner warmth welcoming me… It'd be beyond divine._

_I'd possess her, pushing my finger as deep as it will allow and pulling out…slow…hot… I'd make her feel every ridge of my knuckles… I'd make her mewl with want…I wouldn't rest until her entire body shook with need, her voice crying out with pure desire… I wouldn't rest until her body exploded before me, time and time again, her cream dripping out of her… And then, when she's at that precipice… crying out for me to stop, begging me to give her more… I'd bury myself into her until I become so much a piece of her, she'd never let me go…_

The diary fell off my lap as my fingers ran down my body, one on my breast, lightly brushing over nipples that hardened at the thought of Anders. I mewled in anticipation, the sound echoing into the air of the library as the images welled in my mind and began to tak over. The soft cotton flirted with my skin as it fluttered off and I was naked in the room. He was there... in my mind, long fingers and gentle palms as it smoothed down my body. Each stroke down my stomach turned me warm and then hot. He was there... massaging my breasts, light pressure and then some more as his lips desended, sucking my nipple into his mouth as his amber eyes would lock with mine, equal parts mischief and lust shining through.

His name was whispered out, "Anders…"

My hips rocked for my invisible lover, searching for his touch. A deft touch against my hips, then a harder grip without it hurting made a moan spill from my lips. Fingertips strayed lower down, almost close enough to where I wanted to be touched. I shuddered, as a single finger entered me, moist and warm. It was clumsy, awkward but it felt good as my fingers dragged out, my heart aching at the reminder that this was just a dream lover, a fake and invisible lover. I tried to banish the thought, wanting to lose myself in the image, in the dream.

And suddenly, it wasn't just fingers that pushed deep into me, slow and hot. It was more, thicker, filling me, stretching me and as I bucked, head thrown back, whimpering for more, fingers plunged in and out of me until fireworks crossed and danced across the back of my eyelids and there was a blissful void for a few moments as his name bounced off the walls. I panted, out of breath until my breathing echoed a few last sighs of desire before calming completely.

A knock interrupted me as I began to dress. My blood froze over as I realized someone had overheard. I tried to maintain my calm as I opened the door and then sighed in relief. Isabela. She wouldn't care. She smiled, a knowing and coy pout whilst winking at me, "And you told me you were frigid."

I laughed, "I needed it. It's been a while."

Isabela scoffed, "I could have told you that!"

I pushed her in play, shoving her away from me as I mocked her, "Go to Fenris so he can look after you."

Fenris' low, gravelly voice echoed from the doorway of my house surprised me, "I will certainly do that if she asks nicely." I laughed before rolling my eyes, "I don't want to know."

We chatted about inconsequential things for a few more moments before they left. Isabela joked and giggled, "We better savour you while we can," she teased, "soon you and Anders will get married and we won't get to flirt anymore."

I rolled my eyes, "You and I both know that won't happen."

Fenris disagreed, "You never know. He may have more feelings for you than you think."

"Fenris," I said in a disapproving tone, "he is five. When he's in his twenties, he's had the last three years to do something."

He shrugged, "Justice," was all he said. I shook my head, exasperated by his stubbornness, before kissing his cheek in gentle affection before hollering, "Good night!" They were a comfort to me, both of them but I wanted Anders and that was how it'd always be. I knew that in some ways, both of them were still attempting to seduce me, hoping to bring me into their own relationship. Perhaps it would work and I mused over it myself, they understood my pain and my heartache. Maybe when all this was over, I would actually think about it and see where it took me. It'd just be stress relief. No one would begrudge me that but I knew I'd never ever go for it.

The next morning, I woke early to visit the Viscount. I had promised Aveline that I would do so and though she had been nasty, I never intended to go back on my word. I told Oranna, "If Anders wakes up, tell him I'm away and will be home later."

When I was at Viscount's Keep, Viscount Marlowe Dumar seemed at wit's end. He was pacing, frustrated and unable to think of what to do. I wasn't entirely sure what being a Viscount entailed but I suddenly understood why the Templar Order had so easily held Kirkwall in its taut and iron grip. For a lack of better words, Viscount Dumar was incompetent and incapable. I'm not entirely sure how he managed to rule for as long as he had. He was an old, balding man with blue eyes that were dull and lifeless. There was no spark left in them. He was tired and exhausted by life. There was no royal gait, no severity in his expression. He wringed out his hands as he spoke and I began to understand Aveline's fear. This man had no real power. Kirkwall really was in danger.

Dumar spoke with a weak voice, pleading at me, "The Arishok has requested your presence for some time now. When we told him you were unavailable, he sent us away. I think he meant to tell you about the poisonous gas but that situation is now under control."

"Wait," I placed up my hand with an imperious move, "What poisonous gas?"

"Someone stole their recipe for some gas thinking it was for something else. It was distributed in Lowtown, a few back alleys. It was capable of turning enemies against one another. We had the guards clear up the situation and evacuate the area." Dumar explained.

"So, he was to tell me about the poisonous gas situation and decided against it when I was not the one who spoke with him?" I asked, surprise tinging my tone. Three years ago, when I had spoken with the Arishok, he hadn't seemed impressed by me at all. Why me?

"Something like that. When we sent guards to confront him, he got exceedingly violent, revealing that he isn't waiting for some ship. Someone stole something from him and he won't leave until he gets it back but we don't know what that thing is. I tried asking but there was no answer," Dumar told me helplessly. He begged, "Please speak with him. Make him see reason. Do whatever you must to maintain the peace."

I left for the Qunari Compound alone. At the gates, I spoke with the Qunari guard and asked him for an assembly with the Arishok. Seeing that I was alone, he granted it to me. The Arishok was seated at his make-shift throne that was covered in a piece of red cloth. I greeted with a light bow of my head, "Arishok."

I stood at the bottom of the stairs, staring up at the Arishok. I found the placement of his throne strategically fitting if slightly immature. To assert power was not to sit six feet above the other, it was to show through action. I did not understand the Qun but neither did I respect the Arishok. The difference in culture was simply too massive.

"Hawke. You choose _now_ to show yourself. Is it not late?" His words were cold but heated anger was shimmering underneath that aloofness. He was very upset.

I decided to attempt diplomacy, "I know that Qunari do not understand family units but there was a personal situation that I had to take care of. I owe a duty to my family, to protect them and look after them. I could not walk away from that duty."

"You know no honour or duty. You claim to understand the Qun but you speak like a child. Duty must be given to the entire nation. You do not act for personal benefit. You act for the nation. I find your justification weak." The Arishok could not be appeased, his hand waved above his knee with a threatening motion.

"I understand that there is a difference in culture. My culture is different to the Qun."

It was the wrong thing to say evidently for he spat at me, "One day, _you will be made to know the Qun!_" The outburst was violent, some of the Qunari shifting uncomfortably in the wake of their Arishok's lack of restraint.

I offered, "I understand that someone stole from you. If you can reveal to us what that item was, it would greatly help in its recovery. If you could tell me who stole from you, that is if you know, that would also help."

The Arishok stood, moving back the stairs with indifference and cool attitude. He said with an apathy I could not understand, "This offer comes too late."

I narrowed my eyes, sensing some implication behind his words but pushed forward, "I was told that guards were sent to ask questions. You were offered help a long time prior to this moment. It might not have been me but I fail to see why my presence is so important."

He growled, a warning hinting of danger that thrummed from deep in his chest, "Leave. You fail in many things and I shall not be the one to educate you until it is time."

It felt like I had wasted half my day for words that had no meaning but still, I returned to the Viscount to tell him of the news. Viscount Dumar looked helpless as I announced, "The Arishok refuses to cooperate. He told me to leave. He also talks about educating me when it is time. I'm not certain what it signifies but I believe there is a threat lying behind his indifferent words. I suggest alertness."

Viscount Dumar looked on the brink of a stroke. He slumped into his chair, defeated, his breath slicing in and out of his throat without pause but going too quickly. I frowned and asked Seneschal Bran to look after him as I excused myself. I decided to visit Aveline.

She was busy detailing to her guards their individual duties and personal inspections. I waited at the door, watching as Donnic shot her an extra-warm look when he thought no one was watching. When she saw me, she waved me in. We didn't speak for a while. I watched as she struggled for words. She watched my unwavering gaze, flinching when our eyes locked. I laid the cards on the table, allowing her to make of it what she wished, "I don't appreciate the way you've speaking to me lately. I think it's about time you thought of that. I understand that you owe a duty to the city but I am not a guard. I cannot always help when I want to live my own life. Just because we are friends does not mean you can abuse me the way you have been. In any case, I simply wanted to tell you that I spoke with Viscount Dumar and the Arishok. The results are fruitless. The Arishok did not wish to cooperate and I expect violence. He was a hair's breadth from killing me."

Aveline nodded, "I – Thank you. You didn't deserve what I said. I was feeling desperate and I thought you could help. I'm sorry." I patted her shoulder, smiling to her in comfort before saluting her with a sharp snap of my heels and leaving her to her devices.

I found Mother talking with Anders when I got home, the two of them speaking in hushed voices, occasional giggle coming from Anders as they sat in the cushy chairs of the library. I leaned against the wood of the doorjamb, watching the two of them converse. Anders would bounce in his seat over details and drawings in a small book that Mother was reading from and she, in turn, would touch his hair, stroke his cheek and smile as she sedately explained hard words to him. I knew what was in her heart. Mother missed family. She missed Father. She missed Carver. She missed Bethany. Most of all, just as I was beginning to yearn from my own children, she was yearning for grand-children. The pitter patter of feet that would sound against the floor, the echo of laughter that would bounce off the walls, the never ending toys that would be dragged out, the never ending battles against evil and saving damsels in distress. She missed having children. In some ways, Carver, Bethany and I had grown up too quickly, too used to being constantly on the run. Yes, the need to have a proper home had been satisfied but humans, such as we are, always want more and I could see in her eyes the sadness and the wanting that was there. It wasn't really so unreasonable but I had to wonder whether it would ever happen. Both Bethany and I were mages, our children would be taken away.

On the other hand, though there were whisperings that the Hawke family had mages, no Templar knew of my hidden talents. I could potentially have my own children but without Anders, it didn't seem right. I couldn't see my family without Anders, especially after that week. It was too late. If I had a glimmer of hope with anyone before, it was too late now. Anders was the one.

Mother looked up, smiling at me in greeting, "Hello dearest. I was just sharing a book with Anders."

I walked towards the pair, as Anders looked up at me with stars in his eyes. I dropped kisses to my Mother's cheek and then his. Anders scolded, "You weren't around this morning. You missed breakfast!"

I smiled, stomach deciding that this was a good moment to protest. The three of us shared a laugh before we settled into the dining room for lunch. Though what I ate went by in a blur, I remember hours of laughing, talking and sharing food. The simple intimacies of family were wonderfully fulfilling.

_9:35, 4__th__ Drakonis_

_Dear Anders,_

_We've decided on your potion. At this point in time, I don't really think we've got another option. Our best bet is to do without tilia and Artemisia. Sandal believes his enchantment will fix that. I hope he's right but I have faith in the boy. He may be child-like but he is good at what he does. _

_I get the feeling that trouble is truly brewing in Kirkwall. The Qunari issue will not fade away and somehow, I just know that something bad is about to happen. The Arishok was threatening me today. It was just thinly veiled and hidden but it was there. I've given my recommendations to the Viscount but I doubt he'll do anything. He really is as pathetic as the gossipers say. I really wasn't impressed. _

_The other night, I was doing something in the library. Yes, that. Isabela and Fenris were apparently listening to me until I finished. Then she knocked. They are a comfort to me but it's just weird. No one kissed this time and I get the feeling it won't be happening anymore but there was that flirtatious undertone about everything. That being said, this is Isabela; when isn't there something flirtatious?_

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

_9:35, 6__th__ Drakonis_

_Dear Anders, _

_Maker, do you know how cute you are? You are the most gorgeous little angel that I could ever want. I don't know what will happen in two weeks time but you'll always be special to me, boy or man. _

_I adore bedtime. You smell wonderful from soap and you're all snuggled into me. Every night, right before you fall asleep, you tell me how much you love me. You reminded me last night that one day we would get married. _

_It was all very bittersweet. I won't take your childhood promises to heart but it still makes my heart ache thinking about it. I was watching you and Mother reading together. It would be so wonderful to have a family, a child but I'm not afforded that kind of pleasure. I am a mage. It's written in my life story. I am a mage – therefore, I have no family, no children. I must live a life denied of families and children but I am a woman, too. I need love and care, crave it to some extent. _

_Now I just need to see whether I get it. _

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

It was 8th Drakonis when my prediction came true. Everything went wrong. Anders and I had been playing on our bed, wooden blocks strewn over the bedspread when Aveline charged into the room, crying out, "The Qunari have attacked! They are everywhere! I need help, Hawke. Please don't say no. The Qunari are killing_ everyone_."

I nodded, "Of course not." I quickly dressed into robes and armed myself with a staff. I turned to Anders, who was suddenly very quiet. He seemed to understand the gravity of the situation and said without any inflection, "You are going out fighting."

I knelt by the bed, staring into his amber-flecked eyes. Solemnly, I nodded and explained, "We've got a lot of citizens to protect. I need to help."

He sniffled quietly, "Who will protect you?"

I smiled encouragingly, lying through my teeth, "I don't need protecting. I can protect myself."

Anders clutched onto my hand, closing his eyes shut tightly as he whispered, "Pwomise you will come home."

I kissed the top of his head and assented, "Promise. I'll see you soon. You stay here with Bodahn. You are _not allowed to step out of the house_." With that, Aveline and I swept out of Hawke Estate and I locked the door firmly behind me. Bodahn knew the safe room in the cellars. If it was necessary, he would go there until everything blew over.

Everywhere I turned, Qunari were present, their axes swinging as citizens fell to their blades. Luckily, Aveline and I were not alone. Templars and guards alike fought alongside us, their blades deflecting the Qunari's as my magic took down the distracted ones. Blades swung, knives clang, daggers were flung and embedded into chests of many good men. Spells were cast, blood was drawn and all around me, chaos ensued.

As one charged at me, I raised my staff in defence. His axe was solid metal but so was my stave. The clang of metal upon metal echoed loudly in my ears and he jerked back in surprise. He came at me again, his axe inches from my face as he pushed me backwards. Fenris jumped to my rescue, pushing himself high from the ground and slicing the horned Qunari's head cleanly off. A single drop of blood lined Fenris' blade. Relief sank into my bones.

Fenris stayed by my side, refusing to allow anyone to flank me. We worked together as a team. When he was occupied, his blade clashing against another's, I would take his opponent down. When a Qunari charged at me, he took the damage for me, allowing me to send more spells. And all the while, I healed with Spirit healing whilst Merrill healed using blood magic. I didn't fight it. I didn't argue against it. It wasn't the time to criticize Merrill's use of blood magic. The most important thing was to survive and kill as many of those _animals_ as possible.

In some ways, I think it was her use of blood magic that saved us. She had learned a new spell, something called Grave Robber that made the corpses of those who had died fight for our side. The Qunari could not kill their brothers that had already died and as such, the battle became much easier.

Then we found Meredith, a stern-faced woman who had seen Merrill's use of blood magic. I gasped, warning the young elven girl to release the spell but the Templar had already seen enough. She marched right up to us, screeching, her blonde hair moving like dried hay in the air, "You! Apostate! Blood mage! You will surrender!"

I readied my staff, my secret was already out, I would not go down without a fight. I warned her, "Try anything and my friend will raise an army of Qunari against you. I suggest you take two steps back and evaluate your priorities. Is it Kirkwall or will it be us?"

"Sister! No!" Bethany. I turned around just in time for a blur of dark hair and slim girl to come running into me, arms thrown around me to stop me from what I was going to do. She whispered with urgency, "Do you know who she is?"

I patted her hair gently before nodding, "I do and I reiterate my question, Knight-Commander," I surveyed Meredith with shrewd eyes, "Kirkwall? Or us?"

She spat out, "Kirkwall for now."

Aveline stood between us, "Now is not the time to fight! Where are the rest of them?"

Meredith indicated with her sword, "Locked up in Viscount's Keep. I propose a frontal assault. We are afforded no other way. From my scout reports, a group of Qunari are guarding the entrance. Considering your expertise," she eyed Merrill with disgust, "I suggest your party sneak in whilst we distract them. We will deal with those outside and help you when done."

I nodded in assent, "Very well. Let us go."

Outside Viscount's Keep, as Meredith gathered her own men and detailed the plan, she turned back to me, "You have one chance to prove yourself. Betray me and I will see to it that you rue the day you were born, apostate!"

Empty thoughts, I thought but maintained a civil gait; "Kirkwall is my home. I do not wish to see it destroyed any more than you."

She was willing to accept it, for the moment. "Charge!" she yelled and she and her Templars ran forward, fighting the Qunari with blades and clinking armour. Though I could tell that she would be trouble, I liked her style. She was forward, blunt and she inspired her men. I couldn't fault her leadership. Yet.

There were dead bodies everywhere inside the Keep. Qunari, human, more Qunari, more human, a few servant elves. I cringed at the violence. From the very doorway into Viscount's Keep and into the Throne Room, there were countless bodies. I shook my head at the thought, if Merrill could bring some of those corpses back to life, we wouldn't have to fight anyone at all. It was such a waste of life.

"Bow to the Qun!" the Arishok demanded as he kicked the Viscount's head, like a ball, and it rolled down the stairs amidst screams of fear. Terror. I could smell it in the air. As well as various other stenches as nobles evacuated their bowels or bladders. Fenris sneered under his breath, "Disgusting."

It was disgusting but I also understood. Nobles knew nothing about self-defence. They were defended by guards, not fighting for themselves, it was a foreign concept that they wouldn't understand. All of them bowed onto their knees. Sebastian shook his head and Varric turned away, he could not believe his eyes either. Aveline seemed to pretend she couldn't see anything.

Despite the violence, I could not call the Arishok 'evil'. Such was not a term that could be applied. He had a philosophy, one he followed without any wavering. He was expected to convert others and he did. In some ways, one could admire his devotion but neither could it truly be tolerated.

When the Arishok laid his eyes upon me, he spared no words. I was not worthy of any speech. Qunari attacked and yes, it was Merrill who came to the rescue. We all attacked but the extra few Qunari that Merrill managed to keep 'alive' was of great assistance. When some of the Qunari realized what was occurring, they charged at her and I rushed to her defence, casting a barrier around her that not even the strongest axe could break. It allowed Aveline to strike them from behind.

When the men fell, I lowered the barrier, quickly healing Merrill's cuts. She was pale from blood loss. I told her, "No more. You sit down and drink a few health potions." I tossed her some vials and left her in the corner of the room.

"You do not understand," said the Arishok and I fought back, "You haven't told me anything."

"Filth stole from us. Until the Tome of Koslun is found, I will decimate your city and tear it apart. Do you understand that?" he shouted, his tone so wrathful that I took a step back.

"That's where I come in," said Isabela from the doorway and it was then, that I noticed that she had been missing all along. She strutted in, her clothes revealing even more than usual due to some cuts and scrapes. She threw a dusty book at the Arishok, quipping, "It's mostly undamaged."

I stared at her like I didn't recognize her as I stuttered, "You- You're the thief?"

She shrugged, almost proud of her actions. I wanted to strangle her. Even in that dire time, she couldn't find it in herself to be serious about the situation. The Arishok demanded, "The Tome of Koslun has been found. We will leave. With the thief."

Fenris and I exchanged a single glance. It wasn't about to happen. I said simply, "No."

"No?" asked the Arishok, "You think you are capable of saying no to me? Ignorant human. I will show you the power of the Qun. You will be _educated!_" His hand moved from the air, signalling attack. The Qunari rounded on us and I called out to Isabela, "If I die, I'm going to kill you."

This time, it was Varric and Bianca who saved us. He fired so many bolts, it felt like the ceiling was raining arrows. The Qunari never stood a chance. I continued to stay at the back, firing as needed, sending fire and ice all around the room. I healed when Sebastian began to look weak, rushing to him so I could cast a barrier as I poured elfroot potions into his mouth. Without Anders, I became the healer of the group along with Bethany.

I watched Fenris take on the Arishok with horror in my eyes. Compared to the Arishok, Fenris could be considered scant and tiny. It was a disaster in the making and I chided myself for thinking it would be a good idea to save Kirkwall. I concentrated my fire upon him. Fist of the Maker, which sent the Arishok flying backwards as I rushed to throw Fenris a few potion vials, keeping him healed and healthy. I had to keep watch of everyone. Isabela's daggers were drawn deep into a Qunari's chest, Aveline was struggling against the strength of two Qunari blades against her own. A firestorm was issued from my staff, molten orange directed towards our enemies. I lacked focus. I wasn't Anders, I couldn't do his job as well as he did. A blunt instrument hit my shoulder from behind as I shifted, dislocating my bone. With my other arm, I tried to defend as best I could but ended up fighting dishonourably, my foot kicking the area between his legs before chain lightening issued into his face. I shrugged, I wasn't a purist. Whatever got the job done.

We had time to concentrate on the Arishok. With all of us against him, powerful though he was, it wasn't a surprise that he fell. I stayed back, unable to do much more except heal the group. With my shoulder dislocated, I could barely move without the world spinning in and out of focus. The Arishok's death was bloody and gruesome, six different blades sticking out of his carcass at odd angles as he attempted to threaten us with his last breaths. I never caught his words.

We managed to come out unscathed. There were cuts, bruises, broken bones, fractures and in my case, dislocated shoulder but we were alive. We were healthy. Fenris came to me, his arm burning with lyrium as his hand entered my shoulder through his own talents. The pain was intense but Fenris knew what he was doing, expertly setting the bone with a nasty crunch as I screamed in agony. He hushed me, distressed by the noise I was making, using his other hand to hold me tightly so I wouldn't struggle against him.

Meredith and her Templars didn't come in until that moment and by then, it was already over. The nobles proclaimed me Champion, though I felt undeserving of the title. I could not have done it without the others. We stood about, realizing that to leave would be rude. As Meredith eyed our group with fire in her eyes, Fenris supplied in my ear, "She will be trouble but she can do nothing now that you are Champion. We are safe, as are you and the witch. Have no fear."

I told him bluntly, "I just want to go home" and one side of his mouth tugged upwards in amusement. The nobles had each in turn thanked us, their pants wet with one kind of excrement or another. Our group would laugh about it in years to come because the situation was over but I had to admit that anything could have gone wrong and it was just dumb luck that we managed to stay alive. With Kirkwall being the mess it was, I invited everyone to Hawke Estate to clean themselves, freshen up and eat. We deserved the break and honestly, none of us were interested in helping citizens clean the streets.

Anders was… a mess, for lack of better term when all of us arrived, covered in blood, gore and cuts up and down our arms. He cried in relief at the bottom of my dirty robes and I knelt down to give him a one-armed hug as the other shoulder was swollen and aching. He noticed the problem straight away, "What happened to your shoulder?" he hiccuped out, partially sobbing as he asked the question.

I gave a one-shouldered shrug, "I dislocated my shoulder. It's fixed now but sore."

Anders' hands patted at my ribs, arms and legs and questioned me with a pointed stare, "Nothing else?"

I smiled, "Nothing else."

His index finger prodded at my cheek and when he lifted it, it came out black. Wrinkling his nose, Anders stated, "You need to bath. You're really dirty."

Admonished by a six year old who would one day work in a dirty clinic. I felt humbled and followed him up the stairs as Mother followed behind me, eager to speak with me privately. Anders sat on the bed as Mother helped undress me, gently avoiding my shoulder so that I would not suffer in pain. She helped wash me and chided, "He was very upset."

I leaned my neck against the rim of the tub and sighed, "I know. I had no choice."

"What happened? You ran out without a word and Anders had no idea what was going on." Her tone was gentle, soothing but questioning. I would not be allowed to avoid answering.

"I had to go. The Qunari were attacking everyone. I mean it. Don't go out unless you want to see dead bodies everywhere," I said the last part in a hushed voice, not wanting Anders to hear. He was better adjusted after the kidnapping but he was still fearful, that much I could tell.

Mother hummed in thought, "Then?"

I rolled my eyes at her prying and told her, "They put the nobles up in Viscount's Keep and beheaded Viscount Dumar. We stormed in and killed everyone."

"Everyone?" she cried out in horror. I saw Anders perk up from the bed, his little ears attempting to listen intently.

I hushed her, "Not the humans. Only the Qunari. They attacked first by the way."

After she helped me dry and get dressed in a fresh silk dress, the Amell crest emblazoned on the back, she left me to get some rest, promising to ensure the others who have their baths and would stay for dinner. It gave me time to talk to Anders.

He was afraid of me. The initial relief of seeing me alive and well had begun to fade and when he looked at me, he was remembering how I had slaughtered two mages in our bedroom. I sat beside me and asked, "Are you afraid of me?"

Anders hesitantly shook his head, "Not really. I know you won't hurt me… but I keep seeing the bodies. I'm scared. What if that happened to me?"

I urged him to recline against the pillows with me, wrapping an arm around his small body snugly. I told him, "It won't. I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."

His body quivered in my arms from the thought of being harmed but eventually, he settled down enough to tell me, "I trust you. I love you. Please don't be angry. I'm just scared."

I rolled on my good side and kissed his forehead and nose and then both cheeks. When he smiled, I told him, "I could never be angry at you, sweetie. And you don't need to be scared. I will _always_ protect you."

He yawned, which induced my own. He reminded me, "One day, when I'm all grown up. I'll protect you." It was a wonderful thought to fall asleep to.

_9:35, 9__th__ Drakonis_

_Dear Anders,_

_Can you believe Kirkwall? They actually call me Champion of Kirkwall now. I was not the only one who fought but I am the only one who got the title. It's utterly ridiculous. It's come with some handy perks though. My friends have been granted clemency. I am not allowed to harbour apostates but I am allowed to be one. You and Merrill are, too. I am technically harbouring you at home but no one will find out. No one has yet and we've only got ten days before you turn back. I'm sure we will be fine. _

_It is starting to grow warm, spring is coming. I can feel it in the air, in the breeze. You _love_ it. You told me that in the Circle, you didn't get to feel spring quite like this. It's made you stay in the garden all day, rolling in the dirt with Ser Silkie and Widge. Your cheeks got all flushed, pink and rosy, and you laughed and played till you were exhausted. Your eyes sparkled with life and mischief. It reminded me of the occasional glimmers I found in yours when you were a man. I hope that when you are a man again, you'll find the freedom you were looking for. _

_Isabela and I talked for a while. I was disappointed in her but it wasn't like I could stay angry at her for long. We all make mistakes and hers were grave but not unforgivable. We're on good terms, as always. _

_The potion ingredients also arrived today: elfroot, lifestone, lyrium dust, a leaf from the Tree of Death, spirit shard. I will be adding Sandal's enchantment. In terms of measurements, I will use the exact same as the one you used previously. Whatever you used for deathroot, I will use for elfroot and so on and so forth. _

_Nine days will fly by so I better make the most of it. _

_Love,  
>Hales<em>

I didn't get nine days. I got two.

We were sitting at dinner, 11th Drakonis, laughing, smiling. Anders had been sitting in my lap, eating from my plate and feeding me on occasion when he remembered because my arm was still sore. Everyone was present aside from Aveline who charged through the front doors half-way through dinner to warn me, "The Templars know about the mage boy you keep. They don't know it is Anders but I overheard Meredith giving the order to take the boy and you as necessary. They are coming now so whatever you plan on doing, you better do it quickly!"

Everyone was in an uproar. "What do we do?" squeaked out Merrill.

Anders clutched at me tightly and I announced, "Aveline, you take Anders and hide in the cellars. Go into his old clinic and hide out there if necessary. Everyone else, act normal. When the Templars come, we'll see what happens."

I turned the little boy into my arms, a terrible feeling sinking into my gut. I knew it was the last time I would see him. It was pure animal instinct that couldn't be wrong. I told him urgently, "Promise me you will be a good boy to Aveline. I can't let the Templars take you. Promise me."

He nodded, "Pwomise."

I kissed his nose, "I love you, Anders. Remember that."

I pushed Aveline and Anders towards the cellars, Oranna taking them downstairs. I remained at my seat and we all waited. When there was a pounding at the door, I signalled Bodahn, who performed his usual task of inviting the guests into the parlour. All of us exited the dining room to greet the Templars.

Knight-Captain Cullen gave me an envelope, an apologetic look on his face. It was a warrant for my arrest for harbouring a mage and to search my estate thoroughly. I told him, "I am not guilty of such a crime."

Cullen tried to muster up bravado and failed, instead muttering out, "Meredith said she had witnesses and reliable sources. I don't have a choice, Champion."

"Search my estate as you wish. You will find no mage here aside from the ones already known." I said levelly, my eyes locking with his.

He refused to meet my eyes, nodding to his underlings to check the house. We waited with bated breath but they didn't even check the cellars. We were safe. Anders was safe.

"Nothing, Knight-Captain."

Cullen cursed under his breath, "I didn't think we would find anything. It would be better if I had. I would not feel so guilty about this. I must arrest you anyway."

As the others readied weapons, I shook my head, "No. Stand down." It occurred to me then that no one knew of the potion. I cursed inwardly and asked Cullen, staring at him from beneath my eyelashes in coyness, "Will you let me say goodbye to my friends?"

He turned his head aside to give me the illusion of privacy and I went to Isabela, muttering in her ear as I embraced her tightly, "My diary. The very last entry. There's a list of ingredients there. Mix it for Anders and make sure he drinks it on the eighteenth. The measurements are in Anders' diary, his very last entry. Don't fail me."

As I pulled away, she nodded. I embraced Bethany and Mother, begging them as Mother sobbed, "Look after Anders for me."

I nodded to the rest of them before going to Cullen but Fenris grabbed my hand. I looked at him and I saw the promise in his eyes. He would rescue me. I smiled bravely for them before handing myself over to Cullen.

Cullen was careful as he clapped the irons on me. I winced from the spark as the lyrium in the shackles drained me of my mana, leaving me feeling empty and hollow. He sounded so distressed as he said, "They will come off the second we are in the Gallows."

The Templars refused to look at me when we walked to the Gallows, all of them shuffling guiltily towards the Gallows. There were murmurs of apology as they escorted me into the dungeons, the cell tiny and cramped. As I sat at the corner of the damp stone, I curled my arms around my legs, feeling claustrophobic. It was a tiny space, dark and without light. I could hear creaking of metal rings, dripping of stale water. Stagnant air attacked my nose and I struggled against myself.

I was scared. I was alone. I had been arrested. I was locked up.

The only truth I had left to comfort me was that Anders would be safe.

* * *

><p>AN: Yes, I know... Hawke just can't get a day's worth of rest! She's been taken, so what happens to Anders? Find out when I update next! It'll be promise!

In the meantime, let me know what you think. As always, you have my love!

Ann


	13. The Truths That Give No Comfort

**Chapter 13 - The Truths That Give No Comfort**

_Isabela_

Anders could not understand what was happening. No matter how many times we tried to explain to him, he angrily stomped his feet, shouting and crying and yelling, "No! The Templars didn't take _my_ Hales! They couldn't! No!"

Anders became moody with Hawke. It was almost as irritating as when he was a man, brooding because of some mage problem. I didn't know how Hawke did it. I'm more than happy to admit that she's wonderful, a talented and energetic human with god-like qualities but I'm not a god. I nearly killed myself.

Everyone was upset but Hawke had specifically given me instructions to make sure the potion was brewed accurately and so, I could not fail her. Still, I refused to do it alone. I made sure everyone helped. I read out the last entry of her diary to the group, "…The potion ingredients also arrived today: elfroot, lifestone, lyrium dust, a leaf from the Tree of Death, spirit shard. I will be adding Sandal's enchantment. In terms of measurements, I will use the exact same as the one you used previously. Whatever you used for deathroot, I will use for elfroot and so on and so forth…"

I had carried a small bag with all the ingredients mixed in. After going through Hawke's possessions, I found everything in her drawers and packages. Merrill piped up, "I can do the potion-making. I know how to do this."

Anders' big dusty notebooks had a list of ingredients and measurements and I handed it over to Merrill. My responsibility was complete or so I thought. Fenris had been extra-broody in the wake of Hawke's arrest and he told Merrill, "We will brew the potion with you. I rather we be careful."

It lacked its normal bite and he was almost polite. I could tell how affected he was by Hawke being taken. Without Hawke, the whole group was dying. It was so melodramatic but even I, felt restless and discontent.

Varric suggested, "So how are we getting Hawke out of the Gallows? Mage underground? Killing all the Templars? Rioting outside the Gallows?" His voice lacked its usual cheerfulness.

Aveline shook her head, "No. We don't know exactly where she is. We do her no good by getting ourselves arrested."

An angry spark was brought to life in Fenris' eyes, "So what do we do? Sit around and let her rot?" he snarled out, wrath and cruel anger in equal parts shining out as his entire body thrummed with blue lyrium.

Sebastian calmly suggested, "Perhaps we should deal with one problem at a time. Hawke is by no means a weak woman. She can handle herself in the dungeons. Let us fix Anders first. Then we focus upon rescuing Hawke. The Templars wouldn't dare harm her. I will go see Cullen. He seemed reasonable and rather apologetic. Perhaps I could discuss with him the situation and ensure she is well taken care of."

_Hales_

Day one. There was no day. I was bored. Exceedingly bored. There had been nothing to do except fear for Anders.

Meredith was the only entertainment I had. She had snarled, threatened, yanked at the bars separating us, pushing at me for answers. "Tell me where the mage boy is!"

"There is no mage boy," I answered, "I am not hiding any mage undercity in my estate. Look elsewhere. We both know I am here because you dislike my apostate status and nothing more," I lied through my teeth. I could not allow her to know of Anders, she would exploit the situation.

She tried to reach for my sword but Cullen had been in the background, barking at her, "You forget your place, Meredith!"

She had relented, but it was with much reluctance, the corners of her eyes narrowing until the skin wrinkled. I turned away, she might have been beautiful once upon a time but Maker, it took some hard living to make those wrinkles!

I quipped, "Leave me. I find myself bored of your presence."

Meredith was not happy.

_Sebastian_

It was the one task I could help Hawke in. I didn't always approve of the things she did but I knew her purpose and heart was true. She was not a rebel, she broke rules because it was necessary. Even if she did not always abide by laws, she restricted herself and after the years of friendship, I could not leave her stranded on her own. I spoke to Knight-Captain Cullen in the Gallows.

"Knight-Captain," I greeted him genially, "a word, if you please?"

Cullen seemed to understand what this was about already and answered regretfully, "I can not do anything for the Champion though it is not for a lack of trying on my part. I have spoken with Meredith but –"

I shook my head, "No. I have no need for you to proactively do anything. I only wish for you to ensure that she is not injured, wounded, attacked or harmed."

There was relief in his voice, grateful that he didn't have to do very much. He reassured me, "She is safe. It is a small space and the conditions are poor but she will not be harmed. Meredith visits her daily to speak with her but I am present and Meredith interrogates her through the bars. The Champion remains untouched but I will personally ensure that the Champion has food and drink. Meredith does the Champion dishonour and I will attempt to rectify it as best as I can."

I clapped my hands upon his shoulder and tried to smile, "You are a good man. May the Maker bless your path."

_Hales_

Day two. The creaking of the metal was starting to grind at my nerves. The lack of human presence starting to pull deeply from within. I was alone. Alone. The word echoed in my head. I shivered in the cold, shivered from the lack of warmth I felt from within and without. The dripping of water, the single sound constantly echoed, keeping me awake and without sleep. I rolled about on the stone, feeling frustrated, exasperated… There was no light. Now and again, I saw a single shadow, silhouettes but aside from that, I felt like I was blind. I could feel around me but I saw nothing. When the doors opened far left of my cell, I saw a brief glimmer of light but aside from that, I was housed in darkness. I was scared but I could hold.

Cullen stayed with me for a while, holding a lit torch briefly, to offer me food and drink. He told me, "I put a powerful sedative in the drink. Drink it so you can sleep."

He was offering me kindness and in my time alone, I was very appreciative. I smiled, "Thank you so much, Cullen."

I reached for the goblet through my bars and he held my hand away. He asked me, "Are you alright?"

"I hate the lack of human company. I hate the cold but… I will survive," I tried to muster a smile.

Cullen passed me a sandwich and the goblet, murmuring as he heard clanking armour nearby, "I have to go but eat and drink deeply. I will come back for the goblet later. Rest. This will knock you out for two days at the very least."

It was certainly powerful. I forced myself to drink all of it but right from the first sip, the world was already fading to black.

_Fenris_

The witch was too chirpy. It grated on my last nerve. If it were not for Valentha's wishes, I would have killed the witch. She was a façade and I did not enjoy being in her presence. Her attempted innocent smiles were a lie and I wanted to strangle her pale neck.

She had the gall to hum a tune whilst she brewed the potion, cutting up the necessary ingredients before dumping them into a cauldron as she whirled, dancing in her tiny hut.

It had been five days. Five. The days were not getting any easier to go by. The mage, Anders, he was beside himself. Distraught. I only hoped that he could handle his grief better as an adult. The tears were tiresome for Isabela and she was struggling not to resort to physical violence. I offered to take care of the boy for a time, letting him sit with me in my dusty mansion. We did little, talked about Valentha some but most of the time, we were content to just sit there.

Out of all of us, I believe I was the one who understood his grief best but the tears were a little… daunting. I do not dabble in emotions well. That is my Valentha's best kept secret talent.

I wonder if she and the mage will dabble in a relationship. A part of me wishes for her to have what she has always wanted – a large family. Since Kirkwall, her family has left her one by one. Her mother is not the same and Hawke – she suffers. This, I know. Another part of me still despises the mage. He is volatile but perhaps, he understands her. Maybe. I cannot be certain.

My feelings towards Valentha will always be present. She is warm, like the sun and sweet, but not like sugar. It is crisp, fresh, like sweet juice that trickles down one's throat. It slakes thirst. However, at most, we could only be lovers. My past stops me from being the man who could take care of her emotionally. Then again, Hawke is not a woman who needs protecting. Perhaps that is why we all stare at her hungrily in want. She does not need us. It makes her all the more appealing.

The witch cries out jovially, clapping her hands together as she announces, "It is ready!"

I watched as she dumped the last ingredient into the cauldron, the contents bubbling and frothing, thickening into the consistency of starch. The silver enchantment was thrown in, causing the dark purple to turn colour, changing to a lighter pink, back to an angry red before fading to an opposite colour: blue. It was like lyrium, it sang of power but it was sweet. Soothing.

Soon, we would rescue Valentha. Be safe, my little bird. You will fly soon enough.

_Hales_

I don't know how long I slept. Time ceased to have meaning. I woke, shaking away the fuzziness from my mind. Empty. Quiet. Then creaking. Then dripping. My mind convulsed.

I tried to block out the noise, putting my head between my knees to cover myself from the sound. Each drop of water was like a sharp twisting in my gut. Somehow, I had accustomed myself to hear that noise and relate it to pain. I wasn't physically hurt but I hated the sound. It was an echo of how alone I was.

I wondered if Anders was a man yet. Anders was the one person that kept me sane. I thought of them all but Anders most of all. Even so, my mind was confused, convoluted and messy. My thoughts were incomplete, words strung together that made no sense, a few images linked together that began to fray at the edges. I gripped upon my sanity but a week, isolated and alone, did me no favours.

Meredith came in, at some stage, trying to rattle my bones. She looked at me with a perverse gleam in her eye and the anger that was well hidden within sprung out. I gritted my teeth, shouting at her and calling her every dirty word that Isabela had ever taught me. She had laughed at me but when I refused to give her anything about the "mage boy", her sneers came back. Fury made her see red and she hurled her sword through the metals of the bars. It fell inside my cell with a clatter upon the stone floor, the sound echoing against the walls and reverberating against my skull. I nearly whimpered in pain. Even so, I refused to give her the sword and she had stomped off, cursing me.

Cullen visited me not long after and he tried to convince me to hold on. He made me eat, despite my body's protesting against it and he made me drink, another powerful sedative that pushed me into the noiseless abyss. When I fell into darkness, I realized he never asked for Meredith's sword.

_Varric_

The last week of Anders being a child had been miserable. Hawke's smiles and affections were missing from his life as was her presence in his bed. Blondie told me that they had shared the same bed and from his tone, he was pining for her. With his miserable expressions, I was certain it would inspire me to write a tragedy.

He stayed with me during that week. We knew of the dangers of Anders being in Hawke Estate. We couldn't have the Templars do another raid and come out with Anders in hand.

Every night, he woke with screams caught in his throat. I tried to ask him what the nightmare was about and he had sobbed out, each word a sigh of repressed desolation, "I was in the dungeon but this time, Esvra wasn't there. The body was there with those metal things around the wrist. The leg was all torn where the knee was supp'sed to be and I walk towards it. It looks like her! She's dead. She's dead."

Blondie needed the beautiful girl who would comfort him with soft hands and hushed voices, delicate and reverent, letting him cry as she cradled him between her bosoms. He was awfully descriptive about her hair and eyes, the same "chocolate brown" but without the "happy spark" and that she died with her eyes open. It made me cringe and I'm used to telling awful stories to the gentlefolk.

No one dared breathe a word but we were very relieved the night that Anders was to drink the potion. Though it brought about a sense of fear in the room, wondering whether it was a success or failure or worse, whether it would cause other problems, we were _happy_ that Anders would be a man again and capable of handling his own facilities, namely his tear ducts.

We all stood around in Hawke's mansion as Merrill guided a shy Anders into her bedroom so he had some relative privacy along with a set of robes that the adult could fit into. I heard murmurings from the bedroom as all of us paced right outside the door, in the corridor. Isabela chewed at her fingertips, Broody snarled and well, brooded some more. Sebastian paced in circles, making me so dizzy I had to look away. Even Aveline seemed out of sorts, fists clenching and unclenching as nerves took over our group. We watched him pinch his nose and toss the flask backwards, drinking every pint of the thick, blue potion. I nearly gagged.

We saw a wave of blue encase him, like a hurricane not unlike the one we had seen that day he turned into a child. As we heard his clothes rip, Aveline came forward to shut the door, wanting to offer Anders privacy from our, and in particular – Isabela's, eyes.

I pressed my ear against the door. I heard swirls of magic, a strange twinkling sound in the air and then all was quiet. Silence. Stillness. Calm.

Then a groan, it was distinctly male and low. I lifted my ears from the door for a moment and murmured, in shock that the potion actually worked, "Low, male groan. I think it actually worked."

I pressed my ear to the door again. Quiet.

Then a very loud thump, like a body collapsed against the floor. Screw it, I thought. This was Blondie. He wasn't particularly shy anyway. I threw the door wide open.

And there he was, naked like a babe but very much twenty-six, at least physically. If his mentality was still that of a six year old, we couldn't tell until he actually woke up. Not that he was particularly matured to begin with. He was also breathing and very much alive.

We all crowded around his body that was splayed out for the world to see. Though no one would admit it, we were afraid to go near him. Surprise. Shock. It was on everyone's face.

Merrill woke us up with, "He doesn't look too comfortable, does he? The floor is probably too cold," she said without any affect, her lilting accent pinching through.

Isabela laughed in relief as she joked, "I'm just thinking that it isn't any wonder he wears robes. Will you take a look at that? He couldn't hide that in pants! Damn, Hawke's a lucky girl."

It broke all the tension and everyone burst out into laughter. Even Choir-Boy couldn't help but smother his own chuckles though he gave Rivaini a disapproving stare. Broody and I picked him up by his limbs and threw him onto the bed before throwing a sheet over his body to cover his _bits_ that Rivaini wouldn't stop drooling over.

I shoved her out of the door as everyone left for their own homes. I told them to meet at my place and asked Bodahn to tell Blondie the same.

One obstacle down. One more left.

_Hales_

Drip. Drip. Drip. Creak. Creak. Drip. Creak.

Anders.

Drip. Creak. Drip. Drip.

Cullen.

Eat. Chew. Swallow.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Creak.

Meredith.

Stare. Silence. Ranting. Stomping. Screaming.

Drip. Creak.

Anders.

Cullen.

Drink.

Sleep.

Save me, Anders. Help me.

_Anders_

I woke with an awful taste in my mouth, sour and metallic. I winced, shifting upon soft sheets as my muscles protested at the movement. I felt tense _all_ over. I groaned, a deep rumbling from within my chest before I froze completely and sat up straight, several realizations hitting me that caused me to slump back onto the bed.

Firstly, I was naked and there was no pretty girl beside me.

Then, I realized I was in Hawke's bed.

Then, the memories came slamming at me, all of them. I had been a child, with large amounts of puppy fat, running up and down, child-like antics driving everyone crazy. It hadn't been a dream. My embroidered pillow was on her bed. It couldn't have been a dream. I laughed at myself, thinking that everyone would give me hell over my mischievous behaviour.

Then, I realized that my mind was quiet. Silent. The thoughts completely my own _without Justice!_ The potion had worked! I was free! More happiness coursed through my veins. I could actually get drunk! I was –

Hales.

The late night talks. The gentle hands as she caressed me every time I had nightmares. The Qunari fight, the fear of her never coming home. The memory of her saying goodbye and how much she loved me.

Taken by Templars to keep me safe; oh love, what were you thinking?

I found a set of green robes on the bed beside me and hurried into them. They were not my usual set but I had no complaints, they were comfortable and they fit. No problems. Memories were still filtering in as I found my staff in her closet, latching it to my back. I asked her to marry me. Awkward. I wondered what she actually thought of that. I pushed it aside, I could re-examine my memories later.

Downstairs, Bodahn was fixing breakfast. He was so enthusiastic to see me as a man that he seemed almost misty-eyed. I thanked him thoroughly for looking after me but he had waived it aside, informing me that it was actually Sandal who had enchanted something into my potion to reverse my affliction. Of course, I thanked the boy too.

More memories came flooding back as I found Widge and Ser Silkie in front of the unlit fireplace. Fake sword fights, the memory of Hales buying my 'first' cat. Silkie seemed to recognize me, lapping at my fingertips as I stroked her tiny back.

Bodahn informed me, "Serah Varric bade me to leave you a message, telling you to meet him tomorrow when you were ready."

It was just as well. I couldn't believe that they had let Hales stay with the Templars that long! It had been at least a week! I surged towards the Hanged Man with purpose, irritation pulling at me. What were they thinking?

Everyone was already in Varric's room, discussing and planning. I announced myself at the door, "Nice to see you all," I called out and everyone yelped, "Anders!" "Anders!" "How are you feeling?" or in Fenris' case, "Mage."

I rolled my eyes at him as another memory came unbidden. He and I were playing together. I teased him, "Oh come on, the least you can do is call me Anders after you let me stand on your shoulders. You really need to pull that stick out of –"

Everyone stared at me with disbelief clearly etched on their faces so I stopped short, feeling a little put out, "What?" I said defensively.

Varric waved me towards an empty seat beside him, a heavy hand clapping on my shoulder, "Nothing Blondie. Just happy to have you back."

I chuckled lightly before leaning forward, a distinct resolve in my voice, "What are we going to do about my-" I stopped short again before I could say 'Hales' and tried again as everyone exchanged knowing looks, "What are we going to do about the situation? Are we going to break Hales out?"

Aveline shook her head, "We just went through the Qunari thing. We're not about to start another war so soon by breaking a mage out. Kirkwall would fall around our ears."

Isabela rolled her eyes, "So you've said. Now what? We can't just sit here."

Merrill chirped out sadly, "Poor Hawke. She's probably feeling very sad right now."

I smacked a hand to my face. _That_ was the understatement of the century. If I knew Meredith, she would probably terrify Hales. I just hoped she was strong enough to get through.

Fenris sneered behind a bottle of ale, "I do not oppose the idea of starting a riot and fighting our way in. All of Kirkwall's nobles owes her."

Varric disagreed, "Come on Broody. You and I both know that there are too many Templars. We'd never get to her alive."

There was something about Fenris' suggestion that sparked the right idea but I wasn't sure if it would work. I asked, "What actually happened that day? I was just a five year old mess, crying in her bedroom."

Sebastian explained the entire story to me, with embellishments from Varric and the rest of them. I remembered that Aveline had run into the bedroom, looking for Hales to help fight but I knew nothing else. He told me that the Qunari had attacked everyone, killing countless people. Meredith had found out about Merrill and Hales being mages but she had relented due to wanting to save Kirkwall. Fenris took over at some point, telling me that he could smell the fear of the nobles in terms of their defecating themselves as the Arishok had beheaded the Viscount.

I chose that point to interrupt, "So the _nobles_ saw everything?"

They all nodded as Fenris continued to explain that Isabela had stolen the book that the Arishok had been looking for. It made me glance at her for a moment in disapproval. I certainly wouldn't have fought for her. Good thing it was Hales that made the decisions. Varric then narrated the rest of the story, how everyone had fought against the Qunari, how gruesome and bloody it was, with "danger and fear lurking around every corner". I nearly smiled at him; typical of him to get all dramatic in tone as his voice crescendo-ed, reaching a peak as he shouted out how the nobles named Hales as the Champion of Kirkwall.

As I partially tuned him out, the idea sprung in my mind. The nobles owed Hales. They wouldn't want the Champion being treated that way. The riot could be afforded with more people. Aveline would be happy over the lack of general violence and Kirkwall would remain undamaged. She couldn't complain.

"Let's start a riot. Let's go off and tell every noble who will listen what's happened to her. Where she's been the past week. Why she was taken. Make it sound horrible if you want. Make sure we get the nobles to argue and fight against Meredith. She will _have_ to do something about the situation," I stated simply, pleased with the idea.

Aveline surrendered, "Fine. It's not the best but we need to get her out of there. Let's do it."

With that, everyone knocked on the doors of Hightown, starting every conversation with "The Champion is in trouble and needs _your_ help." The nobles couldn't refuse. They became self-important. They thought that helping the Champion would mean more power to them. How could they refuse? They didn't. When it came down to it, nobles were no more graceful than a common peasant. Many families shouted at the gates of the Gallows, crying out for the Champion's freedom.

We were allowed only so much time. When night fell, we had to stop. In the nights, I had time to reflect on the past month and everything that had happened. Leandra let me stay in the estate. She wanted the company and she needed to know that Hales would be fine. Somehow, my presence offered her comfort and I would not deny her that.

Isabela gave me Hales' notebook, telling me that she meant for me to have it. I shrugged. Considering each entry started with "Dear Anders", I could hardly fault her logic but the words, the thoughts were so private. I felt like I was intruding, invading but Isabela assured me that it was for me.

If I thought I had feelings for her before, if I thought that my attraction started the second she stood in my dirty clinic, asking me for maps into the Deep Roads and promising to help me with _anything_ I wanted, if I thought that the ache had grown over three years and it haunted my nights with sleeplessness and heartache, if I thought that my love for her had been very deep before, it was nothing compared to the feelings and attractions that grew even more abundantly after the more memories seeped through into my consciousness.

Hales had granted me everything I had ever wanted, spoiling me with the childhood I had always dreamed of. I often stared at the toys that were sitting in the corner of our bedroom, remembering how much she bought me, how much she cared for me. How she introduced me to new foods, new things, new people and took away my fears with soft words and gentle kisses. She never complained when I woke her with my screams. She took away my nightmares without any harsh words. Everything was loving, kind, caring and beautiful. That's what she was.

I groaned as I remembered how she fought for me, saving me from the Tevinter slavers to her detriment. I remembered the kisses I rained upon her wound, the scar that she would bear forever. The dark red flower that would forever be etched upon her arm. She had comforted me, telling me that it wasn't so bad. The love I felt for her grew… it overwhelmed me until I was bent double, gripping onto the table for support. I needed her. Maker, please keep her safe.

I spent a night reading through all of her entries, pouring over her each thought and word. I found out about her affections. I never even suspected. I remembered that night when we were having dinner and I had, as a child, asked her to marry me. That's why she was so hurt by Aveline's words. It cut deeper than simple caring for a child. She wanted the man, too and she was hurt that I had never seemed to love her in kind. Sweetheart, you couldn't be any more wrong.

Her writings also made me remember jealousy. The morning I had found her curled up against Fenris. The day when she had hooked her arm with Sebastian's. Her writings about spending _a night with Isabela and Fenris!_ That made my blood boil with the aching need to take her into my arms and love her until she could think of no one else but me. Though nothing happened between them and in all honesty, I could not begrudge her looking for comfort in the wake of my disappearance, it wasn't a good feeling that settled inside of me.

And then there was the sadness… the truth about what happened in Feynriel's mind. Carver, her brother, was waiting for her. I had to wonder if his love for her was normal considering how much he was willing to do for his sister but I didn't want to worry about it. He loved her and even if it was somewhat inappropriate, I couldn't find it in myself to fault it. How could I fault someone for having the good sense to fall in love with her?

Then there was more sadness and the way she viewed herself. Philip DeSouren was a man who didn't deserve to live. To take her, to use her and then throw her aside after his own lack of love for her and his lack of skill, attention and gentleness. It was unforgivable. My heart ached for her.

Then there was the thought of her touching herself… she never gave details but it didn't take much to know what she was talking about. I hated that Fenris and Isabela knew of the moment but it made my blood sing in want. I remembered her body… we had bathed together. She had dressed and undressed many times without shyness, thinking that I was a child. But I was a man now and the curves that I was once indifferent about was a punch straight to my gut. I yearned. I wanted. I ached. I salivated. I wanted to seduce. The image of her lying about, head thrown back in pleasure, softly whimpering as her fingers grazed over her… oh Maker, it would undo me to think of more.

I wanted to push aside her every fear and insecurity, touch her until she crested over the many peaks. I wanted to bring her pleasure that would make her knees weak. I wanted to love her until she stayed with me forever. I wasn't Justice anymore. I was still a selfish man but maybe, maybe I could be with her. I had to at least try.

Kirkwall ended up being fairly outraged about the entire situation. With our entire group being witnesses to the fact that the Templars had unnecessarily defiled Hales' home and arrested her without any public knowledge or any evidence of her crimes, the nobles hounded at Meredith's gate. It became such a problem that Grand Cleric Elthina had to step in. We had no Viscount and Meredith refused to listen to reason. Elthina personally made a trip to the Gallows and Meredith was made to answer.

The nobles yelled at her, a rabble of noise that couldn't actually be identified as words. I stood upon a makeshift podium, several wooden crates and accused Meredith, "What have you done to the Champion?"

Her words were strict, stern, threatening me to dissuade my attempts to shed light onto the situation, "You may be granted clemency due to your connections with the Champion, apostate but I suggest you walk away. She is being kept for her harbouring of child mages and she will answer for her crimes. I will arrest you if you force my hand."

I turned to the crowd, "Child mage, she says? Where is the child mage? Have you found the child?"

The nobles yelled at her, shouting abuse and calling her all sorts of inventive names, much to my amusement. She cried out, "Enough! I have found no child mage. I have kept her alive only because she has, so far, refused to tell me where he is!"

One of the nobles threw a tomato at her and shouted, "You have no proof that the Champion has committed any crime. You just hate her because she's mage. You have no right to keep her in a dungeon. She saved this city! You'd be dead if not for her."

She wiped the flecks of red from her face in disgust, "I have reliable sources and eyewitnesses, claiming to have seen the boy she keeps do magic."

Elthina chose this point to intervene, "Then you should find your witnesses and put the Champion on trial. It is the least that she should be allowed. She saved Kirkwall. Her reputation as Champion was earned. You do her and yourself dishonour for hiding her away. You should allow her freedom, she was granted clemency after all."

Meredith snarled, a gnash of teeth reminiscent to Fenris. I had to wonder if the two were related. She eventually relented and barked out, "Cullen. Free the Champion. Ensure that she knows that her freedom is restricted. If she leaves Kirkwall, she will be killed immediately."

Cullen came towards us, his eyes worried as he explained the situation, "I have tried my best to look after her but she isn't in such good shape. I don't think having her walk out into the crowd is a good idea. If you all go to her estate, I will personally ensure she gets home safely."

Worry echoed in all of us. We all exchanged glances of fear and terror for her sake but agreed anyway, knowing that this was probably what was best. I warned him, "If you hurt her-"

He shook his head, "She will be safe with me. I will have her home within the hour."

I had to satisfy myself with that.

* * *

><p>AN: The mental degradation that I imagine Hawke went through was huge... but it was still so short a time. Will she be alright? Please R&R!

Love, Ann


	14. The Truths That Build Strength

**Chapter 14 – The Truths That Build Strength**

_Hales_

My mind was an empty void. Drip. Drip. Creak. Each sound was as sharp as a knife. It was all I had heard in a week. I heard the char of a lock being turned but didn't understand it was the sound of my freedom. I heard voices but didn't understand that the sounds were directed at me. I felt cold metal but didn't comprehend that it was something other than cold air.

Then light. I shied away from it. Hot breath as Cullen's face was drawn close to my own. It was like an electric shock running right through my body. He took off his gauntlets and placed his warm hand on my arm. He hissed, "You're freezing."

"Cullen?" I whispered, the first time I had used my voice in quite a while. It was croaky, dry, hoarse and not entirely my own. I forgot my voice.

"Let me take you home," he murmured gently, as though speaking to a child easily frightened.

"Home?" The word was meaningful but after a week locked up, the glimmer of light that was shining into my mind could not turn away the darkness that had stifled and suffocated me. The cell had been dark, without light. Now and again, I saw shadows and shapes, single silhouettes but I had been blind to the world. I was shaken. What was home?

He lifted me to my feet and my limbs didn't cooperate. I wobbled before standing still. His arms caught me, steading me to my feet. As he let go, I shifted to the side and he had to nudge his boot between my bare feet so that I could remember how to stand. I saw fire burning on a torch that he placed in the holder of the cell. I stared at it, it was foreign. Why was it so bright? I was like a child again, seeing things for the first time. Cullen watched me with something akin to apology and sympathy on his face.

"Back to Hawke Estate. Back to your friends and family," Cullen tried to explain to me. The words were beginning to impact, meaning was starting to hit me. Family. Mother. Friends. Fenris. Aveline. Varric. Merrill. Sebastian. Isabela. Their faces began to shape images in my mind.

Anders. It was like fresh air after being kept in a cave for so long.

Cullen took my hand in his, dragging me towards the entrance of the dungeons. My first steps were hesitant, stiff and my joints popped and cracked. Standing inside, I heard voices, clanking of armour. It was alien. I shied away, I hadn't heard human interaction in the cell. I was frightened. I clutched the wall, trying to stick to it like glue. A safety blanket of sorts, I imagine.

He was patient, waiting until my mind was able to process all the sounds before he pulled me along some empty corridors and back passageways. When more voices came, he pulled me into empty rooms so I could recover from the shock. Cullen explained to me, "I don't want to scare you. We'll go down a quiet way so you can adapt to everything."

I understood. I nodded. But when the backdoor of the Gallows opened and sunlight shone bright through the doorway, I jumped backwards, holding onto the walls. I wrenched my hand from Cullen's. He smiled in the sunlight, encouragement in his eyes. He lifted his hand in offering, muttering gently, "It's just sunlight. Let it warm you, revel in it." It was hushed, reverent, dulcet and smooth in tone. I watched the sunlight play in the air, the way it shone on dust particles, how it highlighted Cullen's armour, a bright glint and reflection in the silver metal. Slowly, I placed my hand in his and shyly stepped forward.

Warmth. I gasped at the feeling. I was no longer numb. My bare feet touched ground that had been warmed up by sunlight and I marvelled at the feeling. I smiled at Cullen, capable of feeling once more. I felt... strangely whole, a feeling I hadn't felt for an entire week. He pointed to the rocky ground towards the docked ship that would take me from the Gallows towards Hightown, "You aren't wearing shoes. I will carry you."

I wasn't given very much warning. His arms slipped under my knees and back, sweeping me into his arms as I left off a shocked whimper. My arms locked around his neck, his brown eyes locking with my own. There was a distinctive resoluteness about his eyes that I found capturing as he told me, "I will get you home. Anders is waiting for you."

I nodded as the one name punched through my fears, "Anders," I repeated.

He carried me aboard a ship, never straying from my side for a moment. He was a constant guard. When crewmen neared us, he stepped forward to protect me. It wasn't a show of agression but rather of my defence. I was grateful for his kindness. Half-way through, words began to return to me, my vocabulary starting to make sense. I touched his arm, "Thank you for trying to look after me. It could have gotten you in trouble and I appreciate it."

He sat beside me on a wooden crate, telling me about his time in the Ferelden Circle, "I trust you. I knew of Malcolm Hawke. I knew he was powerful and very well trained. Though we knew where he was often hidden, the Templars never came after him. He would never become an abomination. Just as I know you and sister will not fall pray to temptation. Sebastian came to me, wanting me to look after you. He needn't bother. I would do it for your sister's sake. She begged me not to torture you and I would never do that."

Surprise and realization crossed into my mind. I blurted out, "You and Bethany?" in shock.

Cullen blushed, a shy smile crossing his lips, "Not yet but… eventually, maybe."

Happiness, laughter, it was all coming back. I laughed, giggles erupting from my lips, "All the women in the Amell line fall for the men that are all wrong for us but somehow, it feels right."

Cullen frowned and I rushed to explain, "Mother fell for an apostate. I fell for an apostate. Bethany fell for a Templar. It's all wrong but it makes us feel alive, I imagine."

He shared a chuckle with me and said, "Whether it is for Bethany or because I trust you, I will stand by your side in the upcoming fights. Meredith," he shook his head, "she is overly zealous, seeing demons where they do not exist. I won't allow her to kill you. If you need help in your trial, you need but ask."

I felt all those human emotions coming back to me in one fell swoop. It was overwhelming but beautiful. I told him, "I trust you with Bethany and I hope you don't hurt her. I appreciate what you have done for me and what you will do but don't worry about the trial. We need you behind enemy lines. I don't want you to compromise your position for me. I'll find a way to get out of this mess."

I asked him, "Why do you think I'm innocent? That night you took me away, you just…"

He looked at his hands, "Your mother told Bethany about Anders turning into a child. Bethany told me and I helped deflect rumours about you until Meredith personally found out about the situation. You weren't harbouring any mage that weren't already granted clemency. I knew you were innocent."

As the ship docked, Cullen swept me back into his arms, carrying me the rest of the way home. I told him, "I owe you too much."

He said nothing as he rang the Hawke Estate bell from the gardens, to prevent any nobles from seeing me. When Bodahn rushed to open the door, Cullen carried me inside where suddenly, everyone was around me. Family. Friends.

Anders. He was a man again. Our eyes locked with indescribable emotion. His eyes watched me, like a hawk, trained upon me. He said nothing but his eyes said much. The depth of the complicated emotion I found made me shiver.

Cullen sat me down on a soft couch but no one said anything. We all stared at each other until Cullen broke the silence, "I had best get back to the Gallows. I don't want Meredith to suspect anything. I will see you soon."

As he turned to leave, I caught his hand and shot him a grateful smile, "Tell Bethany I'm fine and that I love her very, very much. Tell her that I approve." Cullen couldn't help but smile in relief and as I chuckled, "And thank you, for everything you have done in the past and everything you are about to do."

His response was simple, a matter of fact that revealed the amount of care he had for Bethany, "Family is as family does, sister." His hand touched the top of my head briefly before he turned away, leaving through the front door. It was all I needed to know that Bethany was protected and potentially, very happy in the Gallows despite the situation.

Mother was the first to rush forward, holding me tightly in her arms, sobbing into my hair. Still, my eyes never left Anders. We stared at each other, a thousand memories rising to the surface. There was no awkwardness but there was something there, shimmering just beneath the surface. Everyone was still quiet. I rubbed my mother's back, comforting her as best as I could until she seemed so exhausted that I had Bodahn take her to her room for rest. She needed that, some peace and quiet without worrying over her daughter. I was alive. It was enough.

There was still silence but Merrill pulled herself forward, a bright and cheery expression on her face, her voice twittering out like a bird, "I'm so happy you're alright."

I wasn't looking at Anders but his eyes were bearing holes into me. I could feel a warmth burning through my prisoner's robes and I tried to shy away by looking towards another. Fenris, who noticed my discomfort, sat beside me, pulling my body into his whilst his arms wound around my waist. He demanded with gentility, "Tell us what happened in there." He pressed a kiss to my forehead. Anders' eyes narrowed in consternation. I looked away guiltily though I felt that I had no reason to be.

I brought my legs up to my chest, sliding my arms around my knees as I whispered, reliving the horrific experience, "I was put in a tiny cell, a cage, no bed, I sat in the corner of stone walls. No one was there. I was kept alone. And it was dark. No light. No window. I couldn't even see. I thought I was going blind. Everything was black. Sometimes I saw a shadow. Sometimes the door opened. I got a brief glimpse of light before everything went dark again. Cullen came when he could, making sure I ate and he put powerful sedatives in my drink so that I would sleep the time away. He told me beforehand so I could refuse but I didn't."

Isabela sat on my other side, her arms around my shoulders as she comforted, rubbing up and down my back. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued, "There was this awful dripping in the room. It was constant and after a while, it drove me insane. That was all I could hear. Meredith came by now and again. I think she visited everyday but sometimes I was asleep. She tried to yell at me, asking me where," I looked at Anders, "you were. I didn't tell her anything. One time, I remember her throwing a sword at me but I jumped out of the way."

Varric's trigger finger twitched as he frowned and Anders' face grew murderous. "That bitch," he cursed with poison dripping from his voice, "she kept you in solitary confinement for a week without light and with that dripping in the background."

I tried to comfort, "In comparison to a year, one week isn't much, Anders."

He was gentle as he chided, "Don't be naïve. I was kept there for a year but I had a window to look outside. I had books to read. I could perform magic when I felt frustrated. I also had Mr. Wiggums. She was trying to drive you insane. That kind of dripping trick is used to torture people into insanity. I'm just glad you were strong enough to withstand the pressure."

I stared at my knees, the thought of darkness making me shiver. It made Fenris hold me tighter as I muttered out, "I wasn't sure I could. I felt like I was losing my mind. When Cullen found me, I couldn't understand what he was saying. Everything seemed alien, foreign. He touched my arm and I marvelled at the warmth. I saw light and it scared me. When he opened the door and I saw sunshine, I jumped back…" Tears began to choke my words and I trailed off, unable to voice my fears.

Silence reigned for a while and no one had anything to say. Everyone exchanged awkward looks, worried looks, not sure what to do with the broken Hawke sitting on the couch. Sebastian had regretful eyes, Aveline looked like she was on the verge of breaking into tears and overall, everyone looked like they needed to kill something or someone straight away. I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to feel like that. I looked at Anders, his eyes just as honey brown as before, the soft amber highlights softening his eyes and I asked, "Are you alright? Did it go alright, the potion? Was the cure the right one? Did Sandal's enchantment work?"

He made an odd noise of distress, a strange half-purr that echoed at the back of his throat as he motioned for Isabela to move. She did and allowed Anders to take her place. He took my hand in his, warming my icy fingers, "You're asking me if _I'm_ alright?"

It felt so good, so wonderful that I didn't want to shy away from it. I relaxed, leaning back into the soft material of the couch and nodded, staring into his eyes, wanting him to warm my soul, every inch of my soul. He brought my fingers to his lips, gently brushing his mouth against my fingertips, "I'm fine. I drank the potion and I remember everything up to the day I drank the potion. So, I'm definitely twenty-five… or twenty-six, depending on how you look at it."

I wasn't sure whether I was disappointed or elated. If he only remembered everything up to the day he drank the potion. He forgot about his second childhood but on the other hand, he forgot about asking me to marry him, too. I looked away and said sadly, "Oh."

His fingers caught my chin, turning my head to face his and there was a slight smirk that tugged one corner of his mouth as our eyes locked and he said smoothly, "I remember everything else too but I was talking about the fact that as an adult, I'm not missing memories."

I nodded, blushing for he had read my disappointment far too easily. I requested, "I'm really grateful you guys are here and as always, you are welcome to stay but I'd really like to take a bath and try to relax. Stay for dinner, we need to talk about the trial anyway."

They all nodded, Anders eyes trailing after me as I stood on shaky legs. Oranna had already prepared for a bath but the water had already cooled. Nothing was warm enough. I put logs into the fireplace grate and threw a fireball, waiting for the fire to grow and begin dancing on its own. I stood in front of the flames, letting the heat seep through but there was something missing. I knew what it was. Anders. One touch and he made me warm. Without him, I felt cold again.

I tried to shake the thoughts away, knowing that it would lead to inevitable heartbreak. I went to hide behind the screen, where I stripped, ripping apart the prisoner's robes that I had been forced to wear. The dirty white mocked me and angrily, I balled it up, throwing it into the fire. I wrapped a clean towel around my breasts, the towel Oranna had left on top of the screen everyday since Anders had been a child.

Anders. Everything was related to him and I wanted to scream in frustration, in fear, in heartbreak. Every emotion was clouding over. He was a man and my heart yearned for his love, ached for it, needed it but I had to suffice with a memory of the boy's love. I lost my breath, leaning against the wall, hiding behind the screen. I tried to swallow all the tears and sobs that was coming treacherously close to overwhelming me and slid down the wall, a pile against the wall.

Then the man was in front of me, peeking past the screen as his mouth fell open with a sympathetic moue. He came at me, gathering me into his arms so I lay on his chest, shaking and quivering as all the shock, fear and heartache rampaged through my soul. I was in his arms, finally, separated only by a soft white towel and thin robes. His hands were just as I imagined them as he slid them down my arms and then up my back in circular motions, easing me through my wracking. Gentle but strong with rough fingertips and manly thickness in his palms.

I pulled away, drying my tears with the back of my hands and turning to look anywhere else but he stopped me, his hands pulling at my wrists and turning my face to meet his as he whispered, "Don't shy away. You don't need to be strong. We're here. _I'm_ here."

How many nights had I spent in my bed dreaming of such sweet words? And here they were but all in the wrong time and place. I wasn't supposed to be frightened. He wasn't meant to just be comforting me. He lifted me to my feet, caring hands pushing me towards the bathtub. Dipping his fingers in the water, he closed his eyes and muttered a spell until steam poured from the water. He poured soaps into the water, watching it fizz and bubble until the water's surface was covered by clouds of bubbles. Anders turned away to give me privacy as I shifted the towel away and stepped into the tub, letting the hot water comfort my body. I whispered, "I'm decent."

He rolled his sleeves up, grabbed a washcloth from the sidebar and soaked it into the soapy water until it was warm and dragged it over my shoulders. I tried to protest, telling him it wasn't necessary but a single finger was placed at my lips and he began to speak, his voice rolling out sensual tones that made me melt like butter.

"I want to thank you, for putting up with me when I was a child. I was a handful and I'm very grateful to you. You didn't have to look after me the way you did. It means a lot that you meant through all that trouble." Anders was serious but his eyes were warm, a spark of life clearly in his eyes. Life without Justice seemed good to him.

"It was the least I could do, Anders," I replied, before leaning my head against the rim of the basin.

Anders smiled, a genuine and soft one, not marred by frustration as he lifted my left arm out of the water, washing the grime from my skin with firm caresses. He spoke, "You didn't have to go through the trouble of buying me new toys, a cat… you needn't talk through my nightmares, chase away my fears or even kiss them away." Towards the end, his voice became husky and the way he said 'kiss' made me shiver but not through fear, through desire.

He strode towards the other side of the tub, lifting my right arm out as he continually washed me, his fingers stroking and brushing against me in feather-light touches as the washcloth dragged upon my arm. When he was done, he put the washcloth into the water as his bare fingers traced the outline of my scar, the bright flower that bloomed on my arm. "I'm sorry for that," he said simply.

I shook my head, "It wasn't your fault. I wasn't thinking clearly that morning. I should have known better." I tried to comfort him, "What five year old would have been able to take that kind of violence? I wasn't particularly nice about it either, sending a fireball right into the man's face."

"You were protecting me and I didn't know any better," he whispered, his fingers still pressing along the edges. His touches weren't impersonal. They weren't friendly. They were _intimate_ and it made my heart pound and flutter in my ears. "I've caused you a scar," he said with a slight berating tone in his voice.

I touched his hand with my own, stopping his tracing movements as I consoled, "But you have healed every other wound I have ever had. What's one scar if it was gained for a worthy cause?" I smiled at him, "And it is kind of pretty."

Anders chuckled, a hoarse tremor from within his chest. He whispered, "On you, it is beautiful," as he swooped down, brushed his lips against the mark, kissing it gently as I gasped, my heart skipping a beat and just as he lifted away, I swore I felt a hint of tongue scraping against my skin. Our eyes locked and there was a spark of something in his eyes for just a moment before he hid it away.

Then he was back to business as he quipped, "Washcloth?" I passed the soggy cloth from beside me where he had let it drop. "Leg?" this time with a mischievous smile on his face, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. I laughed, "This really isn't necessary."

Anders shrugged, "To me, it is," he gestured for my leg and I lifted my right one into the air, letting my ankles rest in the palms of his hand. As I rolled my eyes, he explained, "You see, you had the chance to wash me for yourself. I'd feel _bereft_," he said with mock exaggeration as I laughed, "if you didn't extend the same courtesy to me."

I protested, "You were five! And someone had to wash you!"

He shrugged as he dragged the washcloth over my knee, "I know but you saw me naked and thought it'd be a great idea to repay the favour. You can't tell me it wasn't a genius thought," he grinned.

I concluded with wry amusement, "So you thought you'd make me feel guilty about the whole situation despite the fact that you were five and didn't have… well, you had the same parts but you were a kid and that hardly counts." I playfully spoke ungraciously, "I'll have you know that I resent this blackmail."

He winked, an evil smirk crossing his lips, "You never stood a chance against me," as his hand disappeared into the water, his fingers caressing my inner thigh. I closed my eyes and tried to stifle a whimper but it soon left and he went to the other side of the tub, cleaning my other leg. When he was done, he handed me the washcloth and said, "You can reach the other bits yourself. I'll wash your hair."

I dipped my head into the water for him as I rubbed the washcloth on the rest of me. I told him, "Really Anders, you don't have to do this. I appreciate the thought but-" then his fingers threaded deep into my hair, fingertips massaging at my scalp and I fell silent. The soft pressure, the tingles that it caused ran all the way to the base of my spine. I quivered in the water as he murmured with sadness tinging his voice, "Please Hales… let me do this. I've been very worried about you. It's a reminder that you are, for the most part, alright. It's as much a favour for you as it is for me. Let me do this."

I tipped my head back so that the soap didn't run into my eyes and closed them, feeling off-kilter and out of balance. That was Anders, making the ground shift beneath me, unbalancing me. His fingers eased into my hair and I shivered deliciously. The feeling raced right through my body as warm water eased into my hair and his strong fingers stroked, lathering my hair and scalp. His strokes were slow, powerful but slippery and the sensations of man, water and warmth, Maker, it was too much. Then now and again, he would shift and I could smell him, his familiar scent. It was similar to how he smelt as a child but there was a muskiness in it that cried out of man rather than boy. My heart beat fast and deep but I purred at the deep sensations.

_Anders_

My hand paused as I heard her moan, before resuming slowly, gently as my heart beat hard in my ears. The sound ran straight through my body, hardening me within a single moment. I exhaled, evenly but the fact that she was naked though the bubbles hid her away was no comfort. Neither was the feel of the blood pumping in my head slowing me down. She was affected. Just as I was. I was glad to be in a robe. If not, she would have plenty to stare at.

It had been a bad idea to offer to wash her. I had been a fool. Someone should have shot lightening at me. I shouldn't have been enjoying her when she was still off-balance and shocked from her Gallows experience but her heat was sinking into me like endless summer after an eternal winter. I shouldn't have been there but her hair was like silk, holding me in place and the simple knowledge that I was giving her pleasure… well, it held a stronger claim than any chain that had ever been clasped upon my wrists.

She smiled dreamily, her breath hitching as my fingers grazed the base of her skull before I lowered her head into the water, letting the lather wash out. White ribbons of soap rose to the surface of the grimy water and I began to rinse out her hair. She lifted her head to take a breath and I said, "Once more," my voice becoming deep and husky in tone. I felt weak at the knees and the heaviness beating between my legs did nothing to cure me of that feeling to touch and hold. The thought made my pulse quicken more until my entire body felt like I was bathed in liquid lava.

I pulled myself away from the thoughts. The cold in the world was too great and she was but a fragile fire, too exposed to the iciness of the world. She needed time. Fear echoed through me and then it returned as anger. I wanted to kill Meredith, preferably with my bare hands. I hated the thought of Hales on her own, bars drawn against her… the thought of her in a cell made my heart squeeze painfully.

The soap was out and I had no more reason to keep my hands upon her. I grabbed her towel and turned away as she wrapped it around herself. I helped her step out, letting her change behind the screen into a silky house-robe with the Amell crest on her back. She crawled into bed, sliding the sheets over herself but her expression made my heart break a thousand times over. It was like she was discovering the joys of a bed again and in some ways, I knew she was. She had nothing in that cell. Suddenly, she had a bed. The way she viewed life would change completely.

I called for Oranna who came with refreshments and snacks before draining the tub completely. I watched Hales and when Oranna left, Hales whispered in a broken voice, "I'm afraid to fall asleep."

I placed the tray of food on the bed and brought a glass of fresh juice to her lips. She sipped obediently, letting me feed her. I put small morsels of food in her mouth, bites of cookies, nibbles of sweet bread and she smiled in thanks every time. It became harder to pull away as each time her lips grazed against my fingers and sometimes, even her tongue. I told her when she finished, "Just close your eyes, I'm right here," and I gathered her to my arms. It wasn't how I imagined holding her for the first time but we didn't always get what we wanted.

Her skin wasn't really warm despite her bath. She was still very shaken up. I wrapped a tight arm around her, keeping my skin against hers until it warmed from my body heat. I whispered, talking to her to keep her fears away, "I won't let this be the end. Don't be afraid of the darkness. Just as the light can warm you, the darkness can protect. Just close your eyes. I'm right here."

_Hales_

And so he was. When darkness enveloped over my eyes as I closed them, he was still there, right beside me with an arm thrown over my waist. Silk sheets skittered around me and the pillows were soft under my face and all around me, it was quiet.

But peaceful.

There was no dripping. No creaking sounds. Now and again, I heard birds chirping outside my window. I heard trees shake out in the breeze. I heard sounds of footfalls downstairs, muted whispers of voices and most of all, I felt his breath flirting against my ear, warm and even. I sighed out in comfort as he whispered in my ear, an echo of my previous words, "I will protect you. No Templar will ever lay their hands on you ever again. They'd have to go through me first."

I sighed, "Anders…" curling myself into his warmth, taking comfort and strength from the truth of his presence beside me.

I could worry about heartbreak later.

* * *

><p>AN: My heart broke a little for everyone whilst writing this scene. Hawke might seem alright on the surface but is she really? Also, the first scene between Anders and Hawke, intimate though it might be. Was I successful in making the ladies swoon? Let me know what you think. Please R&R!

As always, you have my love.  
>Ann<p> 


	15. The Truths We Deny

**Chapter 15 – The Truths We Deny**

_Hales_

It took a week to truly adjust to my experience. It took a week for my nightmares of darkness and vivid black to die away. It took a week of Anders waking me each night, hushing me quietly, sweetly kissing my tears away before the fears faded completely. It was a week of slow discovery of living life again but as quickly as happiness came, it was torn away, ripped from my future.

Cullen arrived during dinner the second week to tell me of the trial. Meredith's sources included the Tevinter mages who had kidnapped Anders. Apparently, we didn't kill each and every one of them. After being captured, the blood mages yielded to Meredith. In exchange for their lives, they would speak out against me. My guilt was ensured. My death was written. My grave picked out.

"…Hawke, I'm not certain what it is you intend to do but if she has witnesses, it might be best to create a few of your own. I don't want you to tell me what your plans are but you be prepared," he stated.

I had no hope. There was nothing I could do. I pushed away from the table and left for my own room, my happiness fading from my life. I was going to die. There was no way I could wriggle out from the situation. I was certain that my group of friends would attempt to speak with me, discuss potential plans but I would turn them away. I could fake a smile and tell everyone that the Maker was waiting for me and perhaps, it wouldn't be so bad. After all, Father would be waiting. As would Carver. Death was simple, easy, quick. Death did not bring me fear. Dying did but never death itself.

I did not want to fight. I had nothing left within me, not a single shred of energy or determination that could see me through the impossibly tight cave that I was figuratively in. Though in the distance was a single spot of light, a potential hope, I cast it away. It was too hard.

_9:35, 27__th__ Drakonis_

_My death awaits. I have no hope. In the last days before my trial and hanging, I only wish to live life to the fullest. Do the things I haven't ever done. Something. Anything. _

_There is very little left to fight for. I know I do my mother and sister a disfavour, a disservice but… I no longer wish to fight. I could lie, find witnesses but there seems little point. _

_Leave it be. _

_I would miss_ him_, though. For these last years, I have watched his kindness stretch beyond boundaries I never knew a man could have, watching him give and love and care and heal without complaint. It's hard to believe that I've spent these many years loving him ceaselessly, now so more than ever. _

_Anders. Sweetheart. The man with the hair the colour of spun gold, tousled and long, rugged but fitting. The man whose eyes are truly glinting with the fun-loving sparkles that I had once dreamed about. The man who has spent these last nights ensuring my fears would be taken away. He is as much a lover to me as he will ever be. He's never so much as kissed me, not in the way that I really want but it will suffice._

_Anders, I love you but knowing that you will never return my affections truly, I'd rather just throw myself into a few last adventures before granting myself a swift, if slightly painful, death. _

I finished writing the last words and closed the book, staring out at the familiar Hightown scenery before me. Anders asked me from the doorway, "Are you alright?"

I turned in my seat and smiled. The memory was so familiar. Him disturbing my writing as a child and now as a man. "Yes, I am fine." I answered simply.

"We'll get you out of this mess, don't worry," He said reassuringly, walking behind my chair so he could slide his hands on my shoulders. He began to knead the flesh, long fingers pressing subtly into my shoulder then releasing in a roll of his wrist.

I laughed, cynicism marring my tone, "Don't make promises you can't keep. I'm fairly resigned to the situation. Leave it alone."

His response was harsh, pulling me from the seat roughly until we were nose to nose and he growled out, "Don't you dare talk like that. Don't you dare give up to that _bitch_!"

I pulled away from him, deciding to lounge in bed instead. I might as well enjoy these comforts while they lasted, I thought to myself. I didn't bother responding and seeing my placid expression, he stalked out, slamming the door behind him.

_Anders_

I stormed downstairs, angry at her, angry at myself for being so rough. I wanted to shake her, strangle her and Maker, I wanted to _bury_ myself into her until she saw reason. It was a completely irrational thought but now that death was looming close, my mind was twisting back to the one thing humans reverted to when our lives were threatened: reproduction. I tried to resist the temptation of storming back upstairs, pulling her clothes off and partake in the warmth of her body, giving her all the pleasures of the world that she had yet to know or try.

I announced to the group, "If we want to save her, we'll have to do it. She's not being much help right now. In her words, 'I'm fairly resigned to the situation'."

"No." Sebastian stated in a gasped statement.

Cullen shook his head in remorse, "It was awful in the Gallows for her. I tried to help as best I could but it was not enough. What she describes as her experience; it is much worse than it seems."

Merrill tried to comfort the man but the sombre mood had already sunk into all of us.

I nodded, a movement to let the others know that I both understood the severity of the experience and the problem at hand, "Yes. So, ideas? I don't particularly care what we have to do to get her out but we will."

I loved her. I wouldn't let any filthy Templar touch her. I wouldn't let Meredith extinguish the last warm fire that my world had. I had barely begun to warm myself. After Justice, my world turned cold. I was only beginning to know all that warmth again. I wasn't about to let some _bitch_ take it away.

Varric shrugged, "Meredith has reliable witnesses. We need reliable witnesses. Cullen is right."

"What about bringing a child forward? A child who isn't a mage." Fenris suggested, his tone even but there was a bite of worry that I could sense. Even his lyrium seemed to burn a little brighter.

"Why don't we just make a run for it?" asked Isabela, "It's the best way!"

"Typical whore. You would have Hawke spend her life on the run?" sneered Aveline, "If she runs, she'll forever be branded as a guilty apostate."

Isabela threw her hands up in the air, "At least she'd be free! Who cares if people think she's guilty? Would you rather her die as a martyr instead?"

Aveline scoffed, "Of course you wouldn't care but this is about her reputation! Do you think she'd be able to live with herself with others thinking her a criminal?"

"There's more to life than reputation!"

"This coming from a whore! I'm not surprised!"

I interrupted, "This isn't getting us anywhere. She's not about to run. Short of us hitting her over the head, drugging her and carrying her out of Kirkwall, she's staying put."

Sebastian nodded, "Hawke should face the trial. We must find a way to buy her freedom. Perhaps we should bargain with slavers?"

Fenris snarled, "No! I cannot believe you're even suggesting that!"

"Fenris, I'm not a slaver. We could buy a child, use the child at the trial and give him to parents who cannot have children. It isn't a bad plan. A little criminal but the Maker will understand, I'm certain of it," Sebastian placated.

"That's reprehensible! Dealing with slavers. Hawke would not want this."

"Hawke would not want this, Fenris? Or you?"

I finished one argument and another one started. I was frustrated and at wits end. I slammed my fist against the table, making everyone jump at my display of slight violence. I had to admit that each was not without point. I was beginning to feel like Hales, trying to juggle between all the different personalities of our group. It was a tiring task.

I told them, "We can't deal with slavers. We can't do this publicly. We need something that's hidden, something that others can't easily find out about."

Fenris snarled at me, "Mage, what you speak of is an impossibility."

I yelled, "I don't see you coming up with any good ideas!"

"You are not the only who cares for her!"

"Judging by how you've been pawing her, I'd like to remind you of the same!"

Cullen separated us, "Stop. The both of you. This is silly."

I took a step back and readjusted my collar, loosening it in the heat of my frustration with Fenris. Jealousy ran deep in my blood. Cullen continued, "Anders is right. It is likely that Templars will attempt to keep tabs on each of you. You will all have to work together to make sure you can save her."

Then it dawned on me, "The mage underground!" I cried out, "It's private, secret, there are always mages going along. There will be someone there who has a younger sibling, one we could easily use to help us with."

It was so simple. It had been right there all along. Each of us was happy with the decision and with our heads together, we hatched a plan to disturb the Templars one end of Darktown and the rest of us would head into the mage tunnels uninterrupted.

Someone was bound to have a child who could help save Hales.

In the day, we spoke in mock hushed whispers of rescuing Hales, dragging the Templars from one end of Kirkwall to another, separating them, distracting them so that I could slip into the mage tunnels. I spread the word through the mages, each of them went back to the Gallows to continually spread the news. Anders was looking for a young non-mageling child who could help save the Champion. They were more than happy to help. I visited many families, under the pretence of healing the sick and wounded but soon, many families knew of my search, providing me with other children who would look somewhat similar to me.

In the night, I stayed with Hales but more and more, she never returned home till the crack of dawn, each night out to another nobles' party, dancing the night away with men and women of all ages, dressed in fine Orlesian silk. She'd come home exhausted, her feet blistering from the uncomfortable shoes she wore. She'd stumble into the room, cast me a single bleary-eyed look, undress, throwing the silk on the floor in a haphazard heap before crawling into bed. She never questioned my presence in her bed, made no comments at all. She just curled into the pillows and closed her eyes. In the morning, she'd bathe and go out to buy yet another dress for the night's party.

Yes, she was beautiful but she was wasting herself away, allowing herself to be easy to meet, easy to get close to. I tried to talk to her about it but she rolled her eyes, claiming loudly that she wasn't about to sleep with anyone. I wasn't satisfied with that. I tried to tell her that I had a plan but she pushed me away.

Sebastian told me to resist the temptation of locking her in her room and throwing away the key. He seemed to think that she was just going through a phase because her fears had not completely dissipated and perhaps, it wasn't a bad idea for the Templars to know that the Champion was acting unlike herself. They would become arrogant in their knowledge of close victory and become complacent. It seemed to work for towards the third week, we didn't even need to distract the Templars. They never tried to follow us. It gave me even more time to talk to the mages and their families because we didn't have to distract anyone.

Considering the gossipers that Kirkwallers tended to be, the apostate mage looking for young children with blonde hair and brown eyes, short and around the ages of five and six was a fairly well kept secret. No one asked about it. No one told anyone about it. It wasn't even discussed on the street. Everyone kept their mouths firmly shut. That was a relief but I knew that almost all of Kirkwall peasants, gentlefolk and nobles alike knew of the plot.

The night before the trial, everyone was settled at Hawke Estate for something of an early dinner. Everyone was pretty subdued, that was aside from Hales and Isabela, both of whom were giggling about, laughing about the party that they would attend shortly after dinner. She seemed to be the only one who could make Hales smile.

In that week that passed, Isabela had been her constant companion, detailing endless lewd stories and coarse jokes. It was the only thing left in the world that seemed to grab Hales' attention. Anything of importance was ignored which was unlike her. Perhaps Sebastian was right, it was just a phase, a way of coping through the fear. I just couldn't wait until that phase was over. I _hated_ it.

Leandra… well, she looked like she was on the verge of smiling and crying. I whispered into her ear, "Don't worry, it's all under control." She shot me a watery smile.

Fenris questioned Hales, "So where are you going after dinner, Valentha?"

She almost beamed but I could tell that it was insincere. Her eyes were too tight and the smile barely reached her cheeks, much less her eyes. She was afraid. I wasn't sure if I wanted to shout at her or comfort her as she replied, "Comte de Launcet. Don't worry, it'll be tame. It's always tame."

Aveline said with a little scepticism, "Tame? Parties? They don't belong in the same sentence."

I narrowed my eyes at her and she didn't dare meet my eyes. I asked, "Maybe we should come along then? To ensure its docile nature?"

Hales tried to shrug like she didn't care, "If you like," I wasn't fooled. Her back was far too stiff. My blood boiled but I tried to calm myself. I had my entire life to make love to her. I had my entire life to lecture her. I had my entire life to be with her. Her responses meant nothing right now. It was just fear talking. It was probably why I hadn't made a move.

However, for all my noble intentions, everything went flying out the window the second I saw what she was wearing. No, I'm not really a gentleman.

She was wearing this golden-shot, bronze dress that just skimmed the floor. It was made entirely of bronze, Orlesian silk that had clever folds of silk that overlapped but a plunging neckline to her waist. As she moved, it seemed like the material was almost at the point of becoming undone and I knew that if I slid my hands under the silk, warm breasts would be awaiting me with hardened nipples that pouted and demanded their due. I stifled my groan. With such a deep neckline, I knew she wasn't wearing a breast band. The thought made my legs tighten up, my knees catching up and locking painfully.

Though I doubt that she noticed, the bronze colour made her skin light up, like porcelain but with a hot flame within that made it glow. The glimmers of golden flashed and picked up the various brown tones in her hair, the silky strands sitting down her shoulders and flowing down her back like wispy clouds. She was like a goddess made for worshipping.

I offered her my arm with a grim expression and politely, she took it without ever meeting my eyes. That was when I realized that the ruffles at her back were equally revealing, a long slash of her skin bared out for the world to see. I tried to contain my growl of jealousy; if a man so much as looked at her…but of course, the whole world looked. Who could resist a woman as beautiful as she, a woman who was also Champion of Kirkwall?

I saw her for what she was though. Not just the Champion of Kirkwall, not the woman who killed a bunch of Qunari. She was Hales, warm and bright like sunshine. Her smiles were too forced. I couldn't wait until the sun bloomed on her lips like a fresh rosebud when she curved her lips into true smiles.

There was something I noticed though, as she stepped into the Comte's household. Though people looked, no one truly dared to touch. The Princess was here. Touch not. It made me a whole foot taller just knowing she was on _my_ arm. Men came to speak with her, complimenting her and striking up polite conversation but few dared to ask for a dance. She left my arm on a few occasions to sweep along the dancefloor with some noble and as I surveyed and watched her graceful form throughout the night, I realized - Princess was not the term I could use.

She was not weak. She was not spoilt. She was no princess… she was a queen. She was the deceptively condensed form of what seemed like centuries of wealth and power despite the fact that her wealth had only been in her hands for a few years and her power was recently acquired. Grace. Beauty. Charm. Sharp of mind. Hales was _born_ to lead. She was not a woman that men tumbled with. She was no easy coquette. She was beautiful, yes, she was indeed but though she tempted all, only those with the intelligence and confidence could dare to pursue what he saw. Hales was not looking for a gentleman. Perhaps, that's why she fell for an apostate such as me. I had to wonder if she realized what a selfish little monster I was. I hoped not.

Hales seemed to realize that tonight would not be one where she stayed at the party all night, until the very crack of dawn. She gave a significant nod to everyone a little before midnight and altogether, we crowded in Hightown square.

"I guess I'll see you all tomorrow…" she began, her voice weak and unlike herself, "I just want you to know that you're all very dear to me. Each and every one of you. Tomorrow, no matter what happens, just know that you're all in my heart."

The brave girl kept her tears to herself though I knew they threatened and one by one, she muttered symbolic goodbyes through embraces and firm handshakes. Though all of us knew that we would never allow Hales to be taken, we stuck to the plan, not saying anything. We could never tell if Templars were watching, though they had been scarce those past days.

Merrill and Varric had been the first she whispered her first goodbyes to. Varric was a little misty-eyed. Merrill, who couldn't act to save her own life, had managed not to smile. Just. They left soon after.

Aveline gave Hales a firm handshake and told her, "You've been a good friend, Hawke."

Sebastian held her tightly and whispered, "Maker watch over you."

It was when she turned to Isabela and Fenris that jealousy tightened in my gut. Though I wanted to throw punches, I desisted, watching through narrowed eyes as both of them kissed her cheek and caressed her back.

We were alone and she stared at me, eyes sad and lips turned down. She began with hesitation, "Anders…"

"We're going home," I interrupted with finality, taking her by the hand, threading my fingers with hers as I went, dragging her along Hightown, dragging her along the parlour of her estate, dragging her along the stairs and firmly shutting the bedroom door behind her. I wanted to be noble but I wasn't a noble. I wasn't that kind of man. Yes, being with her gave me peace, gave me calm, gave me contentment…

It also aroused me to the point of violence.

I pushed her up against the door, keeping her pinned with my own body. The fire was bright. She was vivid. She was a porcelain statue, covered in golden, brown and bronze. My breath thickened with sudden demands of my body. I wanted her. Warm. Supple. My finger slid into her hair and as she opened her mouth, trying to protest hotly, my mouth was hard against hers, harsh and overwhelming, expecting her to fight me. But then her arms were thrown around me and she returned that kiss with a fierceness that surprised me. Her hands clenched in my hair and knowing she wanted me, feeling her lips yield beneath mine, I softened. My lips caressed hers and the kiss became sweet, deep and as she slowly pulled away, it was tender, wistful and loving.

My arms twisted around her waist, the soft skin at her back meeting my fingertips. I caressed and savoured, stroked and tickled with feather-light touches until I felt her body shivering against mine. Not from the cold but from desire. She leaned her head against the door, her fingers rubbing at my neck, one of her legs sliding along the length of mine. Responsive, receptive, hot... My lips found her jawline and scraped kisses down her neck.

Then she _shuddered_.

_Hales_

I felt the response going through me like a shockwave, it was overpowering and I could sense the same within him, a hunger that was welling deep within him. I forgot myself and pushed myself up against him, lips searching for his. The answering purr that came from him was anything but domesticated. It was soft, almost quiet but it echoed of something rough, dangerous, sensuous and altogether thrilling. It thrummed through me. He caught my bottom lip between his teeth, tongue teasing at me before he devoured, his lips covering mine as my fingers rubbed at his scalp and at his neck and he arched into my touch, purring yet again.

Anders' arms tightened around me, his hands cupping my hips and I could feel the blunt heat of his hunger pressing against my belly. He stole my gasp with his mouth again, drinking from me, stealing from me as his tongue claimed the territory of my mouth with passion unlike anything I had ever experienced. I didn't know that I was capable of running headlong into so much passion. And then his fingers traced the deep crease of my backside, seeking the lower curves as he cupped me fully and rocked me against his rigidness and I realized, it was but beginning. The passion I felt was a shadow of everything that was to come. I revelled in the pleasure. I was helpless to it. There was this something clawing within me, a sweet burning within me that I could not help but submit to. It was too sweet, it was too divine for me to push aside.

His hands were hot, burning me with a fire that I could do nothing but surrender to. His fingers searched underneath the silk of my neckline until my breasts pushed into his palms and his thumbs circled my nipples, making them taut and full. The only sound I heard was a ragged moan and I realized in a haze that it was my voice. "I've been thinking about doing this all night," he revealed in a husky voice, filled with desire, "all… night…" he whispered as he pushed the folds of materials aside. He stared at my breasts in his hands, weighing them in his fingers before giving off a tight groan. Air caressed my naked flesh, causing my nipples to tighten even further. He whispered a promise, a threat, "I think I could make them harder than that," before he bent his head down, licking and sucking at me, nipping at me as my other nipple was toyed with, rolled between rough fingers. It shot rivulets of pleasure straight to my core and I cried out from the reckless abandon that he could easily summon from inside me.

When that thought solidified in my mind, I froze, going completely still. He noticed my withdrawal instantly and looked up into my eyes, clarity beginning to shift into his eyes that were overtaken by lust. This wasn't something that I could comprehend. "I can't," I said swiftly, partly squeaking the words, "we can't."

He took two steps back, wanting me to see that he posed no threat. But he did, he just didn't realize it for he asked me, "Why? Is this because of Philip?"

I felt the blood rush from my face and I realized with a start, "You read my diary!" I accused.

Anders frowned at me, "What are you talking about? Of course, I did. You meant it for me as a gift, right? That's what Isabela said when she gave it to me." Then he realized as his expression changed, his voice coming out shy and weakly, "It was… really just a diary."

I nodded. At first, I wanted to scream, to shout, to lash out at his reading my diary but in the firelight, I didn't want to ruin the moment. It was over, yes and already partially ruined because I pushed him away but I didn't want to fight. It wasn't his fault. It was Isabela's. But it meant that he knew. Everything. My feelings. My secrets. Everything. It didn't matter, I thought to myself, there was no embarassment or humiliation that I could truly suffer. My life would end the next day. I said simply, "We can't do this. I'm not going to have you… have you do this for pity's sake."

His eyes narrowed dangerously, passionately that I had to look away as he said, "Pity? You think this comes from _pity_?"

I covered myself, folding the silk over my exposed flesh and said coldly, "You know my secrets. I don't think I need to explain myself. I'm going to die tomorrow. I'm not going to let you do this as some kind of _weird goodbye present_."

There was a hot spark in his eye, fiery and scorching, "Pity," he hissed out, "doesn't make a man hard. Pity doesn't make a man ache. Pity doesn't make a man want to tear those silken underthings from you and bury all the way in."

My face flushed from heat, unable to even begin understanding his words. I knew what he meant literally speaking but why would anyone want to do that with me? He continued, "I don't know who that Philip was but he was an idiot. You are not frigid. Frigid women don't moan at seductive touches. They don't react the way you do. And I'll show you that tomorrow… when _you come out alive_."

I turned away, telling him with some amount of sympathy in my voice, "My death sentence has already been signed. Don't be so naïve."

His voice carried and bounced along the walls, "Did you really think," he practically scorned, "that I would just let you party the time away and not help you? Did you think that all of us sat around, picking at bellybutton lint the last few weeks? Did you really think that we'd _let you die?_" He held my face between his hands and he murmured, this time sweet and reassuring and tender and gentle and all those things I had always wanted from him, "Don't be so naïve, sweetheart."

I made an angry noise at the back of my throat but refused to say anything. I swept away from the door to the window, staring at the darkness of the night. His arms held me tight around my waist and my back slammed into a hard wall that was his chest. He muttered in my ear, hot and husky and seductive, like a shaman's voice, weaving mysticism over me, "Did you know that almost dying is the most powerful aphrodisiac this world has to offer? I'll wait till tomorrow to show you how _frigid_ you really are. I've waited this long. I can wait one more day."

He turned me around, giving me a fierce and yearning kiss. A fiery hunger tore through my body and it echoed into him. Anders turned away without another word and without looking back, he shut the bedroom door behind him leaving me alone.

With his taste on my lips. With his taste on my tongue. With the feel of his hands and his scent covering my body.

I tried to deny that I'd come out alive the next day. He tried to deny that I was frigid.

I wasn't sure who would win and who was right.

I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

Both had consequences I wasn't ready to deal with.

* * *

><p>AN: Tell me what you thought of the situation, if you thought Anders was in character or not, what you think in general. Anything. Please R&R!

Love, Ann


	16. The Truths That Are Created

**Chapter 16 – The Truths That Are Created**

_Hales_

I had no sleep. All night, his voice was in my ear taunting me.

_I'll wait till tomorrow to show you how _frigid_ you really are._

Maker, and the way he said it. The way he emphasized the word with that sardonic bite, it rang in my ears but it was as much threat as it was promise. I wasn't sure I was ready for all that. My dreams and fantasies of Anders had been very different to the real man and the pleasure I felt; it was but a shadow of the real thing. His whimsical humour had hidden the heady passion within. When I thought about making love with him, I thought of it being soft, gentle and simple. In, out, repeat, over. Perhaps that was just my experience with Philip talking but I hadn't counted on the heat that he could from within me with just a single kiss.

I never thought it was possible for him to make me feel like I was burning. The sensations were very new but very addictive. All through the night, I kept thinking about how his eyes smouldered, how his hands burned, how his lips scorched, how his breath seared… I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing if I ended up alive. I was afraid that I wouldn't be enough for him. What if I gave him figurative frostbite? What if he left me? What if, like Philip, he cast me away because I couldn't pleasure him?

_Maker, I think an iceberg is capable of more passion than you. What kind of woman lies there like a sea slug?_

Philip's cruel, cutting words made me wince. It make me curl into my body, trying to protect myself in the fetal position.

But through all the questions that I had asked myself, a single and tiny voice was still in my head and it asked me a question of a different kind; what if I had been misconsturing his feelings all along; what if he felt more for me than I thought?

After Philip, I had been locking my heart away. Though I wanted Anders, the fact that he shied from me through all those years had given me a sense of relief. It had never been enough that we hadn't entered a relationship or at least tried to discuss our feelings but at the very least, I wasn't an iceberg. I was capable of some mild flirtations that made his lips curve. Now that he wanted me… did I dare? There was a small part of me that had been opened up. It was like a whole new world was right in front of me, so close I could almost touch it, almost taste it. Did I dare to walk away? Did I dare to hope that Anders _could_ save me? Did I dare to take that leap of faith with him?

_Anders_

I got no sleep. Her voice was in my ear, taunting me.

_My death sentence has already been signed. Don't be so naïve._

Maker, and the resigned way in which she spoke! The calm, forward way in which she emphasized her words, it rang in my ears, echoing fears within me. I was afraid that she'd give up.

Sweetheart, don't you see? If it meant seeing your smile blooming like the sun on your face, I'd find a way to do anything. The world simply isn't worth living in if you aren't in it.

I thought I knew her. All my imaginations and dreams of Hales had been very different to the woman that surrendered to my arms and the pleasure I felt; no, nothing could compare. I had always known of the fire that ran under the pale skin - after all, I had seen her cast spells with fury on her face, I had watched her kill with cruel anger, I had watched her exchange flirtatious lines with me with a sparkle of something lusty in her eyes - but I hadn't counted upon the bubbling effect she would have on me. I should have known better. After all the ache and need she had caused within me just by standing within my general area, I should have known that touching her would make my body explode for more.

The only thing holding her back was fear. She had little experience and her past was catching up to her, constantly reminding her about her alleged lack of passion. She was afraid of me, in her own way. She knew I intended her no harm but as a man, I intimidated her. I cursed myself, I should have been more gentle, patient but I knew that the next day, I would have time to set it all right. There would be a night where fear of death was nothing more than an aphrodisiac rather than an oncoming maelstrom - I would have time and when it came, I would show her how joyous our union would be.

She thought I pitied her. She thought I didn't want her. And to think, she actually read my diaries! Hadn't she been paying attention? Perhaps, she didn't read all of it? It made sense, she didn't spend _that_ much time with her nose in those books. I remembered that much as a child. I knew her feelings. I knew my own. It was just a matter of letting her come to terms with everything. No matter what, she had been shaken to the core. It wasn't so surprising that she acted the way she had.

We had tomorrow, I thought to myself, as I shifted on the couch in the library.

We had tomorrow.

_Hales_

Carver came to me in the Fade that night. Somehow, I managed to fall into some fitful sleep. We barely spoke but he held me, comforting me to chase my fears away. I once said that I held no fear for death, only of dying. Was I afraid of dying? I wasn't even sure but everything had piled up and all I could do was cry into his shoulder. When tears fell, Carver's arms tightened and he whispered nonsense words, words that had little meaning aside to comfort. When it was just the two of us, he never hesitated in saying those words of comfort. I was suddenly little sister again, looking to her brother for comfort. Just like when Philip happened, he had been there, Carver was at my side when death loomed. When wakefulness threatened my sleep, he brushed my curls from my face and told me, "Whether you live or die, know that you have me beside you always. I love you."

I comforted myself with the truth that my brother would always wait when I woke.

I heard Mother enter my bedroom, sitting on the edge. I felt the bed dip as her weight pressed against the mattress and felt her cool, soothing hands push away the errant curls that fell over my face. It smoothed my frazzled nerves and I smiled, humming at the back of my throat.

"Good morning, dearest," she whispered. She sounded tired, like she had no rest either. Slowly, I sat up and tried to comfort her, "Do not worry so."

"I watched Carver fall to an ogre," she murmured in the quiet of the morning, "I have no desire to see my eldest fall to the Templars."

I shrugged and held her hand, "Anders says he has a plan. I don't know if it will work nor do I know what it entails but know this, whether dead of alive, I will be well taken care of."

She frowned, "I fail to see how you can be well taken of as a dead person."

I revealed, "I cannot say much but… there is someone watching over me. Just trust in that."

Mother raised my hands to her lips, kissing it in affection and said nothing, trying to take the truth I offered for what it was. I changed quickly and went downstairs. Anders and I looked at each other with something of bittersweet reminiscence as heat rushed to my face. He almost smiled at my flushed cheeks, almost. As I sat beside him at the breakfast table, I offered him a sedate "Good morning" but otherwise, stared at my plate, eyes filling with tears unexpectedly. My vision went blurry, everything I looked at was distorted until all I could make out were colours. He lifted my chin and turned my head to face him so that my watery gaze locked with his. I closed them, fears welling over, tears spilled down my cheeks and he brushed them away. When I opened my eyes again, his lips glimmered with a silver telltale reflection and I knew that he had kissed my tears away. He whispered, "Don't be afraid. I won't let anything happen to you," he offered his pinky to me and tried to smile in encouragement, "That's a promise, love. You will _never_ be taken away. I simply won't allow it."

His gesture made me smile with a broken heart and I hooked my pinky with his, intertwining our fingers together. His darker complexion contrasted with my porcelain, his fingers were rougher, calloused and thicker against my slender and tapered ones, even our nails seemed different - his were ridged, oddly bumpy but neatly tripped whilst mine were completely smooth and longer, making my fingers seem pointy and tipped.

As he released my fingers, he was very slow as he gathered me into his arms so that I would have time to move away. Gently, he dragged me against his own body, my head upon his shoulder as he whispered husky apologies in my ear, "I'm sorry for scaring you last night. I should have been kinder..."

I silenced the rest of his apology, wrapping my arms around him and unsure whether it would be for the last time, I pressed my lips against his. His hands fluttered to my waist, rubbing and soothing as his lips savoured mine. It was different. It was lighter, just brushings of his lips against mine, almost teasing. It was so light, it could have been a butterfly's wings. Anders' fingers found my flowered scar, stroking the spot that was hidden by the sleeves of my robes as he pulled away with wistfulness. He smiled at me, tender and sweet, with just a hint of that inviting nature that I had only just begun to taste. He stared into my eyes, trying to gauge my response before he kissed me again and this time, he deepened it just a fraction and on pure reflex, my mouth opened with a sigh. It was so warm, so kind and as my heart pounded in realization, it was so _loving_.

I was breathless from the knowedge.

He fed me and I let him, trying to convince myself that it was for old times' sake when in fact, it was because he made me feel cherished, treasured and loved. I had never been starved of love but I had never felt so feminine, so protected. The feeling hit me, so suddenly, _I didn't want to die_. I froze at that fact, panic set in, knowledge pulled into me. I had so much left undone. I had spent all week _partying_. What had I been thinking? I thought I had been strong. I thought I was ready for death. I wasn't. Anders - He was the proof of how fragile that strength had been. It was like the floor had caved in underneath and the feeling that overwhelmed me could be likened to stepping down the stairs and there was no step there. I was suspended but that moment had dragged on forever.

Anders seemed to understand, it was like I never had to tell him what I was thinking. He knew. He just knew. He turned me around, took my face in both of his hands and as my eyes darted all around me, he said intensely, "Look at me, look at me." My eyes found his, it was like gravity. The world no longer held me. He did. He was my anchor in a storm, my ring of safety in torrential waters and when he told me, "No Templar will take you away from me," there was no uncertainty in his voice and just like that, I believed him.

Cullen came to escort me to the Chantry. I was to be tried in the house of the Maker. Anders never left my side as we strode wordlessly up the countless steps that led to the Chantry. At the gates, Anders picked a bright red flower, its petals soft and just beginning to open. He thumbed it gently, stroking the velvet texture and tucked it behind my ear, weaving the stem into my curls as he stroked my cheeks, "For luck, sweetheart." His affections made my heart squeeze.

Cullen nodded to Anders significantly, who stopped walking as Cullen pointed to the podium where Sebastian used to stand. I knew that I had to walk the rest of the way alone. I turned desperate eyes on Anders but his voice was strong, strong enough to counter the weakness I felt, "Remember what I said," then he smiled and though he cast a glance at Cullen, he still said without shame or embarassment, "I still have to show you how perfect our lovemaking will be."

It was the most inappropriate thing to say and in the middle of the Chantry no less! Still, it shocked a smile onto my face, a laugh of disbelief echoing from my body. But - there was a but. What if it really was the last time? Could I really the opportunity go? I whispered sweetly into his ear, "I love you," just once, just in case it would be the last. I was going to step away, to leave it at that but adrenaline spurred me on and I gently told him, "if I could let it go, all that fear, I'd spend the rest of my life making love to you if I could."

He watched me with eyes trained upon me, honing upon me as I strode up those stairs, taking them two at a time. His eyes never left me, through all the dread that built in my chest, he never left, his eyes were on me the entire time. I stood beside Grand Cleric Elthina and to my surprise, Sebastian. He granted me a swift reassuring look, a smile that was sincere and peaceful. Meredith came soon after, shooting me a calculated look that was both triumphant and cruel. Sebastian on my right, Meredith on my left… I wasn't sure who would be more certain in my fate.

As nobles trailed in and sat below the podium, where sermons and services were held, I had to wonder who the judge would be and I realized with a start that the nobles were. Each patriarch or matriarch of the family held green and red pieces of material. There were small, square pieces of silk in their hands, ready to be thrown. I knew the process. They would throw green for innocence, red for guilt and my fate would rest in their decisions. The feeling of dread didn't dissipate.

Grand Cleric Elthina shot me a sympathetic look as she began, "Good people of Kirkwall, we are gathered here today to hear the charges laid against The Champion of Kirkwall. Each side will present their case and I ask that each family choose the Champion's fate."

Then she began to pray, for the wicked souls that were to be cleansed, for the fate of the good people of Kirkwall. I felt doomed. What case did I have?

Meredith began, her voice booming out but its shrillness echoed through the halls, "Champion, you are hereby charged with the support and harbouring of apostates, in particular, a mage child. This is a hanging offence. Do you plead your guilt?"

I answered truthfully and honestly, "I have not harboured nor supported any apostates that have not been granted clemency. I plead for my innocence."

"Foolish choice," she sneered at me quietly, before summoning, "I summon my witnesses to give testimony."

A few mages, originally apostates stepped forward. They admitted to following me and had seen the mage child that I had kept with me. They words were mostly mumbles to me for they stood down below with the nobles. My eyes locked with Anders, what was being said? I could barely hear.

Meredith said simply, "I have evidence, witnesses, that you harboured a mage child. How you could lie in the house of the Maker, I do not know but your soul will never be cleansed before the Maker."

Sebastian intervened on my behalf, "You step beyond your station, Knight-Commander. Hawke has not presented her case," he said quickly, his voice strummed with righteousness that I found warming. My gut tightened and released, tightened and released. I felt so ignorant of the entire situation and that was my fault - I had been off to stupid parties whilst Anders had worked on saving me but I had no case. I never built one. How could I present it?

I shook my head, "Leave it. I have no case. My case is that I am innocent and that there is no proof that I kept any child who could do magic. Did the witnesses see the child use magic? Where is the child?" I laughed witlessly, "That's right. You didn't manage to torture answers from me when you kept me in a dark and filthy dungeon for a week."

Sebastian laid a hand upon my shoulder, "You'll find, Hawke, that you do indeed have a case." He called out, "I summon her witnesses!"

Isabela stepped into the Chantry, her hand holding onto a little boy with light blonde hair and brown eyes. I looked to Anders, he was still there. Not him. When the boy stepped out of the sunlight, I knew instantly that it wasn't Anders. The hair was too light and the boy too tall. When they reached to stand before the nobles, the rest of my group stood up. Each made a brief statement that the boy had been a stray that I had rescued, keeping him in my house until our group had found his parents. It occurred to me that we were lying in the Chantry. I stared at Sebastian with a wide-eyed expression and he didn't even seem apologetic, pursing his lip like he was about to say 'Did you have a better idea?'

Still, I had to wonder how that was going to sway the hearts of the nobles but apparently, the plan actually managed to arouse the nobles' anger and wrath at Meredith. I could hardly complain when one noble stood up and began shouting abuse, "That boy has no magic. We can all see that. You imprisoned the Champion because you hated the fact that she was an apostate." He had some colourful words accompanying that sentence that almost made me chuckle but at Elthina's scandalized expression, I stiffly kept it in.

Meredith shouted, "This boy could have come from anyway. There's no proof that he is the boy that was harboured."

"There's no proof that he isn't," Sebastian said simply.

People began to stand up, shouting all sorts of random things. One man stood to tell the world how he saw Varric, Isabela and I shopping with the boy, buying him toys and clothes. During that time, the boy had not performed magic. Another woman stood to tell the world that the Champion had bought items from her store, which was utterly irrelevant. The chaos ensued and Sebastian and I exchanged looks, each turning away as quickly as possible to stop the laughter that threatened. I wasn't watching my trial. I was watching a madhouse. This had to be a dream, a trial wasn't supposed to be conducts in such a fashion. It seemed more like a political riot than a trial. It was utterly ridiculous.

Meredith's expression grew murderous as she exclaimed, "This is nonsense!"

Eventually the nobles quietened down and she ordered her witnesses, "Tell them what you know that proves the boy was a mage."

That was when the blood ran cold within me. The witnesses revealed that they had kidnapped a boy and that I had rushed to his defence which gave me a very unique scar. Meredith took a step towards me and ripped my right sleeve down. And there it was, the red flower that proved that I had been there to save a boy. Tevinter mages were never interested in boys that weren't mages, it didn't make sense that the boy I harboured wasn't a mage.

But the nobles were not interested in that. Uproar. Chaos. Pandemonium. Bedlam.

The nobles threw insults, outraged that the Knight-Commander was using kidnappers as witnesses. I had to laugh at the situation. They didn't believe her case because the mages were criminals in the first place. It didn't even seem to matter that there was logic behind the Knight-Commander's arguments. Elthina was at wits end, trying to calm the people down. I looked at Sebastian and gave him a meaningful pursing of my lips but he shook his head, implying that he would let the chaos ensue as it would. Honestly, he seemed to be enjoying the scandalous attention that Meredith was receiving. Maybe he wasn't as supportive of Templars as I thought. When Elthina looked like she was just about to cry, I stepped to the banister of the podium and raised my hand for silence.

The rabble stopped. After a while. It took a while for the nobles to even realize that I was attempting to quieten them down. Elthina looked at me gratefully and said, "Please contain yourselves. This is supposed to be a trial."

One noble shouted out, "Some trial. We've been given some criminal as some kind of witness, the Champion was thrown into the dungeons without public knowledge and that scar tells us nothing. The Champion is well known for her numerous good deeds. It is not so surprising that her line of work gave her a scar. I'm more interested in putting Knight-Commander on trial. What kind of rubbish does she think she can feed us?"

I also had to wonder why no one pointed out that my scar did not appear to be a scar but rather a tattoo. Was it possible that they knew of the curse? If so, then why was it that I had not died? After all, the only way the curse could be lifted was through the use of blood magic, Merrill's blood magic. Though Merrill had been granted clemency, blood magic still wasn't tolerated but it appeared that this fact was utterly disregarded.

Elthina pleaded, "Please. _Please_. One matter at a time. We must speak of the Champion's innocence."

"Pfft," the man made an insulting noise, "We don't have anything to prove that she is guilty. I say, we should all vote for her innocence. We've all seen the boy she had with her. If he was a mage, he couldn't spend all day outside without something sparking from his hands. Not to mention," he added with a slight bow to me, though I doubted the sincerity of his words, "the boy that her friends have brought here is exactly the same as the boy she had. We all recognize the boy. What's left to speak of?"

He threw a piece of green material to the Chantry floor, "Innocence!" he yelled out.

The nobles chanted with him, "Innocence! Innocence! Innocence!" Green silks littered the floors.

I looked at Sebastian, unable to accept how this could happen. That boy looked nothing like Anders. He looked at least eight, whilst Anders had been a chubby five year old. As Sebastian pulled me away from the podium, trying to ease me through the crowd so that I could leave my trial after my innocence had been proclaimed, I whispered in his ear, "We're lying in the Maker's house."

He shrugged at me, "That, or some truths can be created. In some ways, we're being _very_ honest."

I gave Cullen a subtle look of gratitude that made him smile, very briefly, as I passed him and I replied to Sebastian, "Whatever makes you sleep better at night, Brother Sebastian."

Sebastian poked at my arm, telling me with no uncertain terms that, "I plan on sleeping very well tonight. I did no grave injustice." I could hardly argue with that and so, we strode towards our group, all of whom were waiting for me with bright and cheery albeit amused and relieved smiles adorning each of their faces.

Together, we strolled out of the Chantry, leaving a mess of angry nobles and wretched Meredith behind. Just outside was the very evidence of my group's lying. An older couple stood by the door, waiting for their son, the eight year old boy that had simply stood in the trial, silent as a grave. They took the boy, smiling to Anders as he thanked them for their help and cooperation. They said, "It was our pleasure. You've healed my boys so many times. We were more than happy to help weave a story to save the Champion." I nearly smacked my hand to my face. The family bowed to me before leaving.

Then it occurred to me.

I was alive.

I was dumbstruck.

Everything had been so witless, I felt like I got out from sheer dumb luck. Seeing my expression, Varric hollered, "To the Hanged Man for celebrations!" but Aveline maintained, "I need to stay here. I'll come to the Hanged Man later." I don't even remember walking to Lowtown.

Confusion seemed to reign within me as everyone clinked their glasses with mine many times over. I sipped slowly but everyone else began playing drinking games. It was mid-morning and Merrill was already knocked out, snoring lightly with her hand curled around a mostly empty mug of ale. There were games of Wicked Grace where Isabela stripped and began dancing lewdly on the table. I clapped my hands over Sebastian's eyes as we all laughed. Somehow and somewhere, a handsome Orlesian sailor beckoned and Isabela was lost to us, for a few hours. Anders took the time to get tipsy, drinking much more than I had ever seen him in the years we had known each other. I laughed at him, teasingly shoving him off balance as his eyes glittered with amusement and alcohol induced highs. So lively, I thought to myself. To my utter surprise and amusement, even Sebastian had some ale.

Mother turned up around lunch and she rolled her eyes at the state of the room. She briefly gave me a hug and told everyone that Meredith was still holed up in the Chantry, answering the many insults, threats amongst other claims against her with the nobles. Varric found it all rather poetic. She rushed off afterwards to go tell Bethany the good news.

Isabela came back at some point, with her hair mussed and her clothes folding at strange angles. I readjusted her clothes for her and she planted a wet kiss on my mouth, still drunk as she asked me for sex. I pushed her onto Varric's bed to let her sleep it off.

Fenris and I had a moments worth of peace to talk undisturbed. He confessed, "I was afraid you wouldn't make it out alive. Though I am loathing admitting it, it was the mage who saved you. He cares for you very much," then his voice lowered to a whisper, "as do I."

I kissed his cheek, sliding my hands to his shoulders, "As I care for you very dearly too, Fenris." He pressed a kiss to my forehead, muttering against my skin, "Don't do it again" before he slipped away to take more wine from Varric.

Aveline arrived with Donnic sometime in the afternoon before dinner. She was frustrated, tired and her cheek sported a fresh bruise from when a noble punched her after we had left. She explained, "The nobles are very upset. I'm surprised you couldn't hear them from here."

I shrugged, "Partway through the trial, I thought Elthina was going to cry. She looked so distressed."

Aveline nodded, "She ended up running off, she couldn't control the crowd. The nobles are demanding Meredith resign from her post unless she can come up with reasons against it."

Anders snorted, "She'll drag this out, for sure," his words slurring together slightly before he told her, "Eh. Don't worry about the bitch. She'll get what's coming to her. Have a drink!" He shook his mug around enthusiastically, sloshing ale dangerously close to Aveline's hair.

Donnic suggested, "Perhaps some wine would be good. It's been a rather stressful day. Judging by Meredith's expression though," he gave me a significant look, "this might not be the end."

I tilted my head to him, "Another worry for another day." It was true. I had another day to live. Potentially many other days. The thought made anticpation and panic sink in as I realized that I would have to face Anders again.

Then Varric distracted me by pushing a glass of mead in my hands, trying to make me drink more. I sipped slowly but even I began to feel the effects due to his diligent need to refill my glass once every thirty seconds.

When dinnertime came around, Varric ordered a magnificent feast for all of us and childishly, we dug in with fingers, too tipsy to coordinate utensils. Cullen and Bethany found us all with messy fingers and sauce-dripping faces. She stared at us with part amusement and admonished fondly, "So this is what you do after a trial?"

I pointed at Varric, "It was his idea."

I also had some private time to Bethany. She giggled, laughed, cried, yelled, screamed, shouted and eventually smiled again. I think her emotions were so volatile that even Cullen took two steps back in case she decided to round upon him after she was done with me. I held her as she sobbed out her fears, told me all about her relationship with Cullen and even their more _private _times. I put my hands over my ears, teasing her, "La la la. Not hearing anything."

She rolled her eyes, "It's nothing you haven't done."

I told her, "Philip was the only one, sister."

Her mouth fell open and she protested, "But you and Anders..."

I nodded, "I know... but we haven't," I frowned, "My little sister gets more sex than me. There's probably some golden rule out there I'm breaking."

She asked, "So... will you?" pushing me on for details.

I thought back to what I said that morning, _"if I could let it go, all that fear, I'd spend the rest of my life making love to you if I could"_, I shook my head, "I don't know. No promises." I wasn't ready to deal with Anders... I needed time to think. I tried to push him out of my mind.

Cullen wisely stayed away from the conversation, striking up some ranting from Sebastian about Meredith. For a brother in the Chantry, he really knew how to loosen up when the times called for it, very capable of insulting Meredith with a few choice words that I never thought would leave his mouth.

When Isabela was finally sober, I confronted her about giving my diary to Anders. She had shrugged, telling me, "All this pussyfooting around had to stop. I did what made sense. You love him, he loves you. You're supposed to be one big happy family and all that. Watching you skirt around him was just painful to see. It screams a lack of sex. That didn't sit right with me." It was too hard to hold a grudge. I never really could against Isabela. In some ways, she was right but I mock glared at her anyway, telling her I'd throw a fireball at her the next time she did something like that.

I needed some fresh air after dinner. The alcohol was slowly fading from my system and the air was pungent in Varric's room. I stood outside the tavern, staring down south where I could see the docks and the beginnings of lapping water. The breeze was warm, mild and tepid as it ran about me like a comfortable caress. I smiled, "Thank you, Carver."

I sat on a small patch of grass, leaning backwards onto my hands as I sighed out. The trial had been a joke. The nobles knew nothing. I didn't understand how it had even happened. Meredith lacked some evidence but much of what she said had been true. Why hadn't the nobles bought her side of the story? I was just a mage.

Then there was the fact that I was alive. That was such a strange thought after spending so much time trying to ready myself for it. Then there was what I had whispered in Anders' ear that morning - somehow, that was the most important thing in my mind. Was I ready to let go of my fears? I desperately wanted to but what if -

"You know," a smooth voice broke my thoughts, "most people who survive a trial don't spend their time contemplating."

I lay back in the grass, watching Anders as he sat beside me. I teased, "Sober already? I'm disappointed. Surely you want to be smashed?" Part of me wanted him to be smashed, that way, I could avoid the topic of him for just a little longer but the clock was ticking and his presence was overwhelming. I wanted him. Seeing him set me aflame and he was right, almost dying was like an aphrodisiac in my bloodstream, driving my desires straight to my core.

He laughed, his shoulders shaking, "I thought getting drunk would be wonderful. It's been so long since I've been capable of doing so but no matter what, Justice did change me. I'm…more matured," he said with a grimace of an expression and then complained, "I hate saying that. Who the hell wants to be matured?"

I smiled wryly, "We all have to grow old eventually." Things were so much easier when I was a child, I thought to myself.

"Nope," he said with a slight pop of his lips, "I'll never be old. I'm going to be handsome, talented and forever fun-loving."

I closed my eyes, "Keep telling yourself that."

His fingers traced the outline of my scar, exposed from my ripped sleeve as he questioned, "What about you? What are you thinking of?"

I shrugged as I stared into the night's sky, the first brushes of stars beginning to climb. I wanted to talk to him about what I had said that morning but then, my courage left me and I said instead, "The nobles didn't take her seriously. Everything she said was true. I mean, no matter what, I was technically guilty of a crime. They just didn't realize the boy was you, that's all."

"Knight-Commanders can be changed. Champions generally can't. In a political arena, it's more important to be on your good side than it is to be theirs. They all know that the boy probably did do magic but they were outraged that Meredith had gone off and arrested _their_ Champion. It's more a matter of pride than crime." He explained to me before revealing, "When I was looking for a child, I went to many families. Most of Kirkwall probably knows that the child wasn't the same one. The nobles know, too."

I made a dissatisfied handmotion, "I'm hardly going to complain but it just feels like loyalty can be bought. It doesn't feel right that they've lied," I confessed.

His hands brushed my cheeks, "You are safe, and that's all that matters. The world is what it is and loyalty will always be easily bought for many. Don't worry too much about it."

"It was still such a joke. I don't think I've ever seen such a failure of a trial," I stretched out in the grass.

His resounding laughter made me smile, "That's true. I was thinking that too when it happened. It just seemed too easy but I'm hardly going to complain."

It was just again a punch into my system. A solid reminder that my survival could have been non-existent.

I said quietly, "I really could have died…"

"No," Anders said, his hands touching my arms, "No… don't think that. We had a whole story built up. We had a whole heap of men and women who would be witnesses for you. It just never got to that point. The nobles had already gone nuts, for lack of better term."

Anders slowly stood up as the truth slowly settled into me, a warm feeling wrapped around me. Pulling me by my hands to make me rise, he murmured to me in comfort, "It's been a long day. I should walk you home."

I nodded, a warm sense of security flooding me. He just wanted to walk me home and the walk was certainly comfortable, the silence was friendly.

I didn't have to face him yet, right?

* * *

><p>AN: So, Hawke is alive. Tell me what you thought of her responses, her realizations, her epiphanies and her dynamic with Anders - Please R&R!

Love, Ann


	17. The Truths We Owe Ourselves

**Chapter 17 – The Truths We Owe Ourselves**

_Anders_

Hales seemed content to let me 'walk her home'. I had no intention of doing _just _that. I hid a chuckle at the thought. This was my time to be _sneaky_, skilfully 'walking her home' then 'going in for a nightcap'. It was a mischievous thought but underlying that was something more important. I wanted her calm before I talked to her seriously about things that didn't deserve to be mentioned next to a tavern. Some things had become sacred after Justice. Maybe Justice wasn't such a bad thing, after all. I used to be uncaring about everything. I used to make promises that meant nothing. I didn't want to be like that anymore. She was the woman of my dreams, the goddess of my world. She deserved all of me. She deserved a bettered me. She deserved promises that she could believe.

Outside Hawke Estate, Bodahn left the door opened for his mistress. I could see the slight anxiety in her eyes and as she tried to bid me goodnight, I smoothly outmanoeuvred her, swiftly cutting in, "You don't mind my using your cellar passageways, do you?"

Hales teetered on the spot, off balance at my sudden request before she gestured for me to go inside. I should have felt bad about keeping her off-kilter but it never came. When Hales neared, both Widge and Ser Silkie perked their ears up and made noises of welcome. It was a gratifying distraction for her, a useful tool and excuse for me to stay longer. We sat by the parlour fire, fingers stroking into the furs of our pets. I cooed at Ser Silkie, "Who's the pretty kitty… yes, you are…" the kitten meowed at me, little claws reaching up to playfully scratch me.

My interactions with Ser Silkie made her laugh, her head tilted back as her hair caught the light of the fire, glowing a beautiful bronze and brown. Through giggles, she teased, "You are such a sucker for cats. It's so funny," as she rested her chin on her Mabari's broad back.

I stuck out my bottom lip and pretended to pout, "You're just jealous that Ser Silkie doesn't like you the way she likes me," I turned to the fuzzball in my lap, "isn't that right… isn't that right?" Her peals of laughter spread a tickle of warmth right through my chest.

Leandra came to see us at some point, joining us on the floor with our respective pets as she ran her fingers through her daughter's hair, trying to find comfort, trying to ensure that she was still alive. Somewhere during the conversation, Hales became very relaxed. When Leandra bade us goodnight, it did little to undo Hales' gentle mood though she was acutely aware of being alone with me. I could see the way her eyes tightened at the corners. I pretended not to notice, smiling capriciously at her whilst cooing at my cat. Her eyes locked with mine and she smiled as she commented, "You're not wearing your robes."

I looked down at myself, wondering what she meant. I was indeed wearing robes, just not my old ones. I quipped, "Well, I'm not sure what you call this but since you don't like it, I'll just take it off," and made a move to undo one of the buckles.

She slapped my arm, "You are so sexed up! What is wrong with you?" She was laughing, her tone amused, fond and admonishing but definitely not serious.

"Sexed up?" I asked her, "I don't remember the last time I even _had_ sex. It was a while ago."

Her eyebrows quirked up, shooting me a withering look, "You're joking, right? Handsome face, cheeky smile, you have got to be kidding, right?"

I could have said the same of her. After all, she had the beautiful face and the gorgeous smile, it was unbelievable that she had only done the act once but I chose not to comment about that and instead looked at her with slightly lidded eyes, "Handsome, huh? That's a term I could get used to."

She stretched out on the floor, her head resting on her Mabari's back, hair falling in tresses like silk… no, like water…the rest of her body laying out, her legs criss-crossed against one another. Shrugging, she told me, "There are a thousand women who could and would call you by that term. You don't need to hear it from me. So yes, you have to be kidding me."

Inside, I thought to myself that I really didn't want to hear it from a thousand different girls. I wanted to hear it from her. I nearly laughed, Maker had I changed. I remembered telling Elissa, the Warden Commander and Queen of Ferelden, that all I ever wanted was a pretty girl, a decent meal and the right to shoot lightening at fools. The decent meals and right to shoot lightening? All good… but the pretty girl, I couldn't just take_ any_ pretty girl anymore.

I grinned sardonically and said instead, "Maybe you just don't understand but having Justice around really put a damper on things. Just imagine," I lowered my voice dramatically causing her to grin, "being in bed with a pretty girl and suddenly a deep manly voice echoes in your head, telling you that there are more important things to do. Instant downer."

The blush that crossed her cheeks was fantastic and she succumbed to more girlish giggling before teasing, "I don't know… I think the deep, manly voice thing would really help considering I'm not into girls."

It made me grin wryly but her words made me think of her, lying in bed with Isabela and Fenris. I couldn't help but ask, "What about Isabela? Or maybe even Fenris? He's got a deep voice."

Hales stiffened at the question but I didn't want to shy away from the topic. It wasn't how I wanted to talk to her, it wasn't even what I had in mind in terms of conversation but I did want to know. She looked into the fire, "You've read my diary already," she said.

"That doesn't answer the question, Hales." I said with a gentle, quiet but firm tone.

"I was distressed when you were taken. She wanted to help me forget," she whispered with her eyes cast towards the orange flames. Her tone made guilt ram into me, "I couldn't do it," she continued, "They stayed with me that night and we kissed but there isn't much more there. We're good friends and I'm someone she – they," she amended briefly, "could sleep with but it doesn't work the other way around."

She fell silent for a few moments and only the crackle of flames and hissing wood could be heard then she admitted, "For a while, I thought that I would consider being with them. After all, I am twenty-three. I could take a lover and few people would think much of it." Jealousy ran thick within me, pounding its vile and painful presence through my body until she said, "But I know I can't. I was just trying to make myself feel better about the situation. It could never be them."

That made the jealousy slowly die away. Slowly.

Oranna's steps were so silent, so light that the both of us were caught unawares when she interrupted, "Mistress, is there anything else I can do for you?"

Hales turned to address her servants, "Please, it is late. Go do what you wish and get some rest. I can look after myself, thank you." She bid Bodahn goodnight, patted Sandal on the head before waving me into the library so as to not disturb anyone. Widge and Ser Silkie curled in front of the fire, happy to ignore us.

We stared at each other, Hales shy and me - I wanted to hold her. I reached for her but she took a step back, shaking her head from side to side. She revealed in her ramblings, "I don't think I should…I want to but I'm not capable. Then again, I didn't think it was possible… I want to but I'd just…oh never mind."

I knew what she meant, that she wasn't sure she was capable of passion but after last night, she wasn't so sure. I brushed the topic aside, I could show her capabilities later. There was something more important. "What you said, this morning," Hales froze when I began speaking, "Did you mean it?"

When she had said the words that morning, I felt my heart stop and I had to remember how to breathe as the pained tone caressed my ears. The yearning in her voice gave me hope but it also gave me heartache and the hurt was more intense than anything I had experienced. Some of it washed away at the relief of seeing her alive, some of it washed away amidst the celebrations but it was still there, lodged at my core. I needed to know if it was real. Everything. All of it.

She repeated, "You've read my diary already."

I repeated, "That doesn't answer the question, Hales." I wanted to reach for her again but I resisted the temptation, wanting to let her come to me.

Eventually, she whispered, "Yes, I meant it. I meant every word."

"Say it, Hales," I persuaded, coaxing her with a soft tone.

It took a while, it took a few moments as her face heated up, a pink blush caressing her cheeks before she looked up at me, her eyes locking with mine as she whispered, "I love you, Anders."

It was half of it and I knew that she was afraid to broach the other part. That was alright, I told myself. We had time to let her get used to one fact at a time. She loved me, she could admit that to herself. If I could, we could ease into our affections; let her see that her fears weren't necessary. I smiled and let the truth hang in the air for a while before whispering, "I love you, Hales."

Hales lashed out, her voice a violent whip, "Why? Why are you saying this to me? Maker, I read your diary! I know about that _girl_ you want. That girl you call 'her'. I read that page with you imagining every way you touched her. I'm not going to start a relationship with you just because you feel indebted to me or something!"

I knew she had read my diary. She had said so. She had written so. How could she not know of my feelings? I wanted to shout back at her but instead, I tried to calm down and ask her, "How much of my diary did you read?"

She turned away, "Just the most recent entries starting from the beginning of this year till you drank the potion. Nothing more."

It made sense. It all made sense. I took her by the hand and dragged her upstairs without another word. She protested behind me, hissing words at my back. I ignored them, pushing her into the bedroom and shutting the door with a slam of my boots. I locked the door, almost breaking the knob in the process. I took one of my diaries, opening it to the very first entry that Hales was mentioned. The day we met. I pulled her to the desk and told her, "Read it. Out loud."

I could see the fast pulse of blood beating in her neck. She felt a little intimidated by me and I tried to breathe deeply, repeating gently, "Go on. Read it out loud." I didn't want to scare her.

Hales whispered, her breath a tender caress over my skin, "9:31, fourteenth Cloudreach. I met someone today. She came into my clinic and I thought, or rather Justice thought, she was a Templar. Then I looked at her. She and her friends called herself Hawke but introduced herself as Hales Hawke. I was enraptured by her smile."

Her breath hitched as she read the next line, "When she smiled, the sweetness of sunrise bloomed across her lips. I forgot how to breathe. She had these curls of hair that was both unruly and neat at the same time and her eyes sparkled with innocence, kindness. And she was forthcoming, wanting maps but eager to help me with Karl. She was a mage too, revealing her talents with mischievous displays of fire at her fingertips. I wasn't sure if I admired her bravery or her innocent foolishness. And she had this laugh, this giggle that was absolutely ridiculous. Her laugh made me want to laugh. Justice disapproved, of course, but what doesn't he disapprove?"

Her fingers trailed onto the next paragraph, "When she walked away, promising to meet me later on tonight to help Karl, she strode out with this luscious wiggle of her hips that I'm sure, she didn't notice. She didn't walk like she knew how she affected those around her. Hunger struck me and anytime I close my eyes, there she is with her crazy laughter and inviting smile. My pulse quickens at the thought of her."

The entry ended there. I flipped to another entry, one that would make her blood run hot, one that I often read repeatedly so I could remember the images floating in my mind. I whispered into her ear, "Read…"pressing my chest into her back as I wrapped my hand around hers, curling the fingers aside from the index and dragging it along the words.

"9:32, 2nd Wintermarch," she murmured with some hesitation as her eyes strayed upon the words quickly before reading. She was scanning through the paragraph and she reached a point that made her breath hitch, words that set her aflame. I sneaked a kiss onto her neck, "Go on…"

Her voice trembled as she began from the beginning, "9:32, 2nd Wintermarch, I'm a bad healer. A bad person. Hales was lying down on one of the cots, injured, a massive slash right below her collarbone. I was scared, fearful. She looked so pale. She had wounds all over her body, stomach, at her hip, multiple cuts on her arm. I quickly ripped the material, focusing as much of my energy into her as I could allow. The healing was slow, the cuts were deep. And my eyes strayed onto the soft swell of her breast… My wrist scraped along the flesh and I nearly groaned out loud. Unbelievably soft, smooth skin. My other hand went to her hips where blood greeted me but as I pushed the robes from her body, I found her underthings ripped and though I was healing her, I saw the junction where her hips met her legs. I saw a shadow of curls peeking out and I had to swallow hard, resisting the urge to put my lips at that junction. The flesh there was begging me to take a bite, a soft bite, I wanted to sink my teeth into her. "

When I had written the words, I had been aroused, hard and feeling beyond fevered but hearing her speak them like they were her own, her voice wrapping around the words like a sensual snake, my entire body tensed up and it took every effort for my breath to come out even.

My fingers caressed at her pulse point as she quivered, I could feel her heart hammering inside of her, could almost hear it. Her voice became thick, desire marring its clear tone, "I nearly lost focus and I was hard beneath my robes. All that skin exposed to me, I wanted to pull her into me, have her writhing beneath me, touch her until she moaned and screamed and begged for more. Her fingers would grip at the sheets, hips rising for my touch. I'd play electricity on her skin, listen to her screams for more… until I was ready to make her come-" her voice broke as she swallowed.

The words were seducing her and I smirked into her neck, kissing the base and dragging my lips up to her jaw line to press my lips behind her ear. Her breath held, she wasn't breathing at all and I continued for her, "I'd make her come many times over. Over my fingers, over my lips… I want to see her underthings soaked with desire, the slickness, the sweetness… I'd want to taste it. Over my blunt flesh as I drove into her again and again. She'd be tighter, wetter, hotter than anything I could imagine."

Her body shook against me, desire was curling in her belly and she didn't know how to handle it. I could feel her body trying to strain and fight it but I continued anyway, wanting my seduction to be utterly complete. I lowered my tone to husky whispers, lowered my fingers to her waist, "I want to watch my fearless leader surrender total control to me, fall apart into a tangled mess of limbs as I whisper in her ear every dirty fantasy I have of her. Sometimes I imagine keeping her at that brink of orgasm for hours…I want to hear her _beg_ for it. I want to hear those endless pleas, incessant stream of moans…And when she'd reach down to give herself relief, I'd tie her hands to the bedposts and tease and taunt and torture until she was _dripping_, making a mess of the bedspread."

She moaned, a soft sound spilling from her lips and I told her, "That girl I wrote about that I called 'her'? She's you. I just didn't want anyone to know. I do have patients running around so I wrote 'her' instead of 'Hales', that's all."

"Oh," was the only thing she said. Subconsciously, she rested her body along mine, leaning into my warmth and the lines of my body whilst her head lounged upon my shoulder. She wanted this and encouraged, I murmured, "I love you and I know that you love me, too. I've wanted you, ached for you these last few years and it's been locked inside my chest for so long that it will make the rest of my life to play out every fantasy I have of you. And I know, it works both ways." I pushed the sleeves of her robes down to expose her shoulders, kissing her flesh there as she sighed for more. I murmured, "If you want to, if you'll let me, I can show you how wonderful lovemaking can be for the both of us."

Then I took a few steps back. How the night ended would be on her now. It wasn't just about making love now. I wanted to, desperately so but she needed to want this. She needed to see for herself. She turned around, stepped back into my arms so she could cup my face in her hands as she explained, "I want to. I feel…" she shook her head, her lips pursing in a negative line as she searched for words, "it's just so much. I can feel all heated and I want to shiver and shake and…Oh! I don't even know how to explain it," then her voice turned sad and just a little scared, "but… I don't think I'm capable of-"

I asked her simply, "Do you want this?"

Her answer was simple, "I meant what I said this morning. If I could let my fears go, I'd spend the rest of my life making love to you. It could be so easy but I don't think I can." Her tone grew in self-disgust.

I gently shook her, wanting her to see reason. Her tone was so fuelled with self-loathing, I hated the way she saw herself. I reasoned, "You didn't think it was possible to feel passion last night but you did. Is this the kind of truth you owe yourself? That you're frigid because of some unworthy man of you past, some man who evidently had no idea what he was doing?"

I carded my hands into her hair and she smiled, her head tilted back trying to savour the feeling and I whispered, "See that? Frigidity is a mindset. You need to want to push me away."

Her answer was so innocent, "But I don't want to."

I kissed the corner of her mouth just once more before I stepped away again, "I know. Sweetheart, being frigid just isn't who you are. It's about time you realized that."

_Hales_

No, it wasn't who I was. I had thought I was passionless and cold but less than a night ago, he had held me in his arms, my entire body melting against him in need. The want hadn't faded, it was still there inside of me, burning a fire that I couldn't fight against.

Hadn't I wanted him the way he was in that moment, asking to love me and touch me?

Hadn't I always wanted to enjoy a man who had loved me?

Hadn't I wanted the man in front of me all these years?

Hadn't I loved him, ceaselessly and achingly?

Hadn't I always wanted that?

Yes. I had.

He was slowly backing away from me, wanting me to make my own decisions. He was already partway to the door. I couldn't let him go. Even the thought made my heart drop through my stomach. I went to him, taking his hand in mine to halter his steps and with my heart pounding, stars in my eyes, I asked him, "Do you know what time it is?"

It was such a strange thing to ask even the topic and I could see his eyebrows drawing together, his eyes shifting about the room as he wondered whether I was going crazy or not. He said slowly, each word drawn out, "Er…no. Why?"

I pressed my body against him, flush and lined against one another. I murmured with my lips against his, "It's tomorrow."

Anders' eyes widened in understanding, the echoing of his words were ringing in our ears and minds.

_I'll wait till tomorrow to show you how _frigid_ you really are._

Then his eyes shuttered and the shudder that went through his lithe body was so powerful that it surprised me. Our lips met, deep caresses as his tongue made tiny cat-licks, seeking entrance and I granted it with a sigh, shyly reaching out so our tongues met. The instant it touched, the fire burned deeper into my soul. He had been afraid of my rejection; afraid that I wouldn't want him enough. I could sense the urgency in the way his arms tightened around me, I could taste his fear as his lips demanded more from my own.

When my hands caressed down his chest, sliding into the folds of his robes to touch bare skin, his breath caught and my name was a husky murmur of need on his lips. Each reciprocating movement of his hand was careful, cautious, slow and deliberate. I had time to push away anytime I wanted. It made my head spin from the care he felt for me.

And suddenly, it was all very easy. All I had to do was just to let go. I never imagined surrender to be so sweet. My hands ran up into his hair, my mouth moved urgently against his and every fibre of my being exploded with desire as I moaned deeply. It was such a foreign sound, I had never made it with another person, only when I was alone but I could barely control it.

Fingers searched, buckles were undone, rips of material could be heard until his skin was flush and pressed against mine, his flesh searing me – but I only wanted more. I cried out and he whispered into my ear, "Yes, that's it. Want me, want this…"My hips sought his, a lush invitation that I didn't know I could give.

"Maker," he cried out, "and you told me you were frigid," he looked deep into my eyes as his hands grazed my naked flesh, "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking what I'd been told," I answered sagely, feeling a little exposed and brought my arms up to cover my breasts as he slid off his smallclothes, completely bared for me.

His hands pushed my arms away, pulling me to the bed, "No, don't hide yourself," he urged me to recline, laying back into the soft pillows, "You're beautiful, sensual and the goddess I have always wanted," his hands linked with mine and he put them above my head as I blushed at his words, "I want to see you, Hales."

I lay back and watched him look at me for the first time. His eyes roamed over my body, taking in the contours of my flesh. I tried to twist away, hiding from his sight but he soothed me with cautious hands, smiling with reassurance and love in his eyes. His hands grazed my breasts, index fingers smoothing circles around my nipples. They pebbled in an instant and his eyes lit up in satisfaction. I bit my bottom lip as he opened my body into lewd positions that were both frighteningly arousing and liberating. Then his lips descended.

"He was a fool," Anders said with his lips at my collarbone, tongue teasing along the lines of my bone, "He didn't know how to bring that fire out of you," his hands clutched to mine for a moment before he stroked my breasts, "but I do," his thumb coaxed my nipples to hard peaks. I cried out, "Anders" and he chuckled, a male and smug laugh, "Yes, that's exactly what I want. Cry out for me."

I never imagined arousal like that and I knew it was only the beginning. I could feel his exquisite restraint, how gentle and careful he was being with me. He had only begun and my body smouldered, spreading flushes of passion beneath my skin. My hands ran over his bare chest, automatically sliding down lower until my fingers brushed against hard flesh. I paused for a moment and Anders lifted his head, smiling down at me with a smile that was challenging, barely civilized, the kind of smile that made liquid desire flood. His laughter was rough but silky at the same time, "Touch me. I want to feel your hands on me. _Touch me._"

My fingers dragged down hard shoulders, tough corded arms, down the lithe torso that was hardened by muscles but covered by soft skin. I marvelled at the feeling. My fingertips circled at his own dark nipples, teasing at them, licking at them as he had once done to me. His body tightened, his breath became short and he groaned out, his hands tightening on my hips. Then I dipped lower, exploring fingers stroking his hardened flesh. I watched him carefully as his pupils dilated, his eyes turning completely dark as his mouth travelled down my body, his hands stilling mine by my side as he whispered, "Let me show you something…"

I closed my eyes as his hands slowly spread me open, my legs shifting apart as he stared at me with slightly impish eyes, lips trailing around the insides of my knees, fingers stroking lightly right _there_. The savage agony tore through me, the pleasure was like desire tightening within me. When his finger pushed deeply, caressing me from within, my eyes tore open. Agonizing ecstasies took me over, the world was suddenly new, completely new. He surged above me, his hungry mouth pulling at my nipples, lips wrapped around and sucking tightly. The double assault made me scream and he chuckled with huskiness as he pulled away, my nipples turning a dark rose, "Feel that passion running through your veins?" He lifted his fingers from my folds, glistening in the firelight, "This is passion, this liquid heat… it's hotter than my dreams, sweetheart. Do you know how beautiful you are to me?"

I stared into his eyes, watching his expression turn from amused to serious. He was trying to make me understand and I gave myself into his touch, "I do now." The hard glint in his eyes melted away, mischief came back and a conspiratorial grin crossed his lips. His voice rushed over me, raw sensuality tugging out my deepest desires whilst sliding his fingers back into me, "Yes… that's it… take all of me…. The deep push of my fingers, let me claim you as I push in and back out like this…"

The push within me was slow, sensual but undeniably sinful. I could feel the ridges of his knuckles within and I gripped tightly as he slid his finger out. Then he added another digit, a careful pressing against my opening. I felt a stretch but it was delightful and I rolled my hips forward to meet him. Ragged moans echoed from me as his fingers began to curl inside and the new sensations made me buck my hips for more. He whispered, "Watching you… it makes me forget everything else in the world…"

Then I felt it, a light tingle as he strummed my pearl and there it was again, growing stronger as electricity fluttered from his fingertips and into my body, building a need within me that could neither be called pain nor pleasure. "Let go…" he whispered against my sex before suckling my bundle of nerves tight between his lips. I felt his humming teeth graze the button and as the electricity rampaged through me, I gave myself to the abyss, a great slash of white filling my mind as the tendrils of sweet agony gripped and violently tore me apart. My back arched and I shuddered, each wave of pleasure growing stronger than the last until finally, as my climax began to calm, he called forth soothing magic to cradle my frazzled nerves.

_Anders_

Her hesitations followed by her sexy cries, the combination ripped through my self-control. Her boneless disposition, her lidded eyes, the image stormed through my body. I moved above her, gently rolling the both of us on our sides. Her legs instinctively hooked over my hip and my hands caressed her as she fondled me in turn. I whispered, "Do you believe me now?"

"Yes… oh yes, Anders," she laid her mouth upon me and I tasted her sweetness, the wondrous taste that she was as I murmured, "Let me love you, touch you, Hales…"

She giggled playfully, "You are touching me…" and I tickled her gently, expertly sussing out the ticklish spots at her ribs as we rolled in bed, laughter and love echoing in the room. If you couldn't be happy and laugh whilst making love, when could you? I teased, "Did you want me to stop?" Her answer was to roll us onto our sides, face to face, rubbing her soft folds against my contrasting hardness.

"I'll take that as a hint," I murmured as my rigid flesh found her entrance and she melted against me. I pushed in, her moans mixing with my own at our union. I was gentle, slow, letting her adjust as I inched gradually within her. She suffered no pain, perhaps only a slight stretch that I healed away quickly. I refused to allow her to relate the act of love making with pain. When I was fully seated within, her eyes snapped open, "Maker… that... oh Maker... so full...but so good," came her broken ramblings.

I teased her, "Anders. You're not in bed with the Maker."

My words sank in after a while, she was too busy trying to adjust to the feeling, to the pleasure of being filled _by me_. When the words finally impacted, her laugh was breathlessly delivered as she quipped, "You're not supposed to say your own name whilst in bed with me."

I would have retorted, I would have told her that I'd rather hear her call out my name than the Maker's but her experimental rocking movements effectively closed that train of thought and I had to fight to remember how to breathe. She was tight, ungodly so and my hips followed hers without instruction. We shifted together, sliding, each movement smooth and regular, allowing her time to adjust to the new feeling, letting _me_ adjust to being within her. Yes, being with her gave me the entire world, a completely new world, like my past was washed clean.

I wanted to take it slow, drag each moment out and savour the ache that was building in my loins and body but her wet heat was already gripping me so tightly and as I brushed that special spot within her, her channel tightened ever so much more. My body jolted, she writhed against me and naturally, our pace hastened.

My world narrowed down to her, only her, only ever her. My arms cradled her as she threw her head back, her nails scoring down my back. It made me hiss out, the pain gave me pleasure. I arched for more, hands gripping at her hips, her legs wrapped tight around me. It became hard to breathe, to think, to do anything except slide into her never ending warmth and fire. Our mouths fused together, her hands clamped into my hair as mine cupped the back of her neck. Close, we began to taste the inevitable drop, the freefall. I felt her toes curl against my back, her breasts pushing up into my chest, the velvet friction within her was driving me insane. Hales took me deeper, welded to me until both of us fell apart with the explosion, hot, heady and exhilarating. She was fire, whole and complete, burning me with a fever I could never dissuade, nor did I ever want to. She cried out loud enough for the house to hear as she came and I shattered, disintegrated, spilled into her warmth, as a thought rose unbidden in my mind.

Here was home. She had burned me completely, fuelled me with a fire I could never live without ever again. I could never be without her fire, without her warmth, without her love.

Home.

Our breath mixed as more tender kisses were shared. She purred like a cat, lissom and sinuous as she rolled onto me, laying her head on my chest, her face relaxed and content. "Mmm…" she hummed, completely satiated, dragging her lips for more kisses, "I feel wonderful…"

I felt exhausted too, which was odd considering the Grey Warden stamina that I was supposed to have. I remembered days when going all night barely dented my energy. I murmured, "As do I…", my arms wrapped around her, "I feel utterly worn-out…"

"Is that a bad thing?" she sighed out, her breath tickling my chest.

I considered it for a while, staring into her brown eyes, warmed with bronze tones, before telling her, "I probably would have said yes not too long ago but not anymore."

"Why?" she asked, her fingers exploring the planes of my chest.

I answered honestly, "It feels wonderful to feel utterly spent by the woman I love." And it was true. I didn't need to prove my finesse. I didn't need to prove anything. I felt _satisfied_, whole, complete, all those things I never thought were possible for a mage.

Hales looked up at me for a moment, her eyes a little guarded. I could see the question forming in her mind, whether it was as good for me as it was for her and before she spoke, I told her, "You were amazing," my hands trailed over damp skin, "If I wasn't so spent, I'd try to take you again."

She was pleased with my response, that much I could tell and she tried to play it off, muttering under her breath, "Totally sexed up."

I shrugged impishly, telling her in a sing-song voice, "And it is officially your fault now."

Her eyes glimmered with amusement and she cuddled into me again. Contented, she whispered into my chest, "Tell me again."

I teased, "Tell you what? How much I love your comparing my skills in bed to the Maker? Tut tut, what would Sebastian say?" Honestly, I couldn't help how great I felt. I was like myself, more like myself than I had been in years. I simply had to tease her, to playfully make fun but I also noticed the change too. I _wanted_ to tell her how much I loved her. It wouldn't be an empty promise anymore; it wouldn't be a ploy to get more sex. It was surprisingly _nice._

She smacked my arm fondly as she laughed, "You know what."

I sat up, leaned against the headboard, drawing her against me. I snuggled into her and whispered, "I love you, always."

"I love you, too," she whispered back, her voice reverent and hushed, perfect.

Her fingers played along my sides, palms stroked against my hips and her fingertips touched along the scratches she made on my arms and sides. "Did that hurt?" she asked with care in her eyes. I shook my head. I asked in return, "Did I hurt you?" but she also shook her head.

Then she looked up at me and asked, "How come you want me to call you Anders rather than Theodore?"

I winced at the name and I shrugged, "I don't like being called that. For almost as long as I can remember, I've always been called Anders. Theodore just," I groaned, "doesn't do it for me."

Hales stared at me like I was crazy and I explained, "Everyone calls you Hawke. It doesn't bother you."

She wrinkled her nose at me, glaring at me in a childishly frustrated fashion, "That's not the same! Hawke is my name, just my last name… and besides," she hurried on after trailing off, "lots of people still call me Hales." Her tone became quiet as she realized how untrue that was.

"Uh huh," I said with a triumphant grin, "that was a total lie."

She exclaimed, "No it isn't! You call me Hales. My family calls me Hales."

"That's four people, love."

She knew she had lost the mock argument but she threw in, "Well, that's four. Four is… four," she said weakly before exclaiming with loud bravado, "And if you _ever_ call me Hawke ever again, _especially in bed_, I'll never – I'll never," she looked around furtively as my body shook with laughter, realizing that she was _attempting _to threaten me, before hissing out, "We're not doing _that_ ever again."

She could barely bring herself to say it and her face was crimson. Her eyes wouldn't meet mine and I knew it was a lie. Through laughter, I said to her, "Well, everyone calls me Anders. A lot of people. More than four," I said with mock seriousness whilst walking my fingers up and down her arm, "So I'd just rather you call me Anders. Theodore was from another time and place. Say that name and it'll be like you calling out for another man."

Hales nodded at my explanation and we fell into an easy silence, hands stroking, lips searching for kisses now and again. Then she began shifting about and I could instantly tell that another topic had wormed its way into her mind. I was torn between amusement and slight exasperation. What was it with women and talking after sex? Then again, it wasn't like I didn't enjoy her words especially the next ones that came.

"So…" she began, her voice shy and quiet with just a glimmer of embarrassed laughter hidden within. I could instantly tell from her tone that the topic would be good, juicy and altogether fun, "was that the thing Isabela talked about?"

I knew what she meant but I wanted to hear her say it, I wanted to see the blush that crossed her cheeks when she thought about it so I said, "Huh?"

"You know… that tingling when you put your mouth-" she blushed so deeply that I let loose a laughter. She knew immediately that I had feigned innocence and she bit my shoulder in revenge. I winced to placate her.

"Yes, love. That's the electricity thing," and to prove my point, my fingers charged with frosty, blue light, volatile in its wake and sent a jolt running right through her slick folds. She yelped, bouncing a little from my lap and I chuckled at her reaction. She melted like a puddle against me, moaning a little. I kissed her mouth, yielding and plying underneath mine. I whispered, "You're mine now, you know that."

Hales ran her lips at the base of my neck as she said, "All yours."

I playfully teased her despite the serious undertone, "I don't want Fenris or Isabela in your bed anymore."

Her legs straddled me as she kissed me with promise, "_Only_ yours."

"I've dreamt about this moment for years, being able to have you for myself. I spent the nights dreaming about you, you haunted my sleep at night and I'd jolt awake, aching for you. I never could satisfy myself with dreams. Did you ever think of me?" I asked her, though I knew the answer already.

"I dreamt of you, thought of you, loved you from afar," then she mock pouted, "And you kept me at arm's length, teasing me with half brushes of your hand before shifting away completely."

I kissed her forehead, pulling the sheets around our waists. We were quiet for a while, just enjoying the feel of one another cuddled up close. Then her fingers strayed lower, playing with my softened flesh. I closed my eyes at the first stroke, not commenting. This is interesting, I thought to myself, is she trying to start something?

The answer was obvious when her fingers continually touched and explored. I groaned out loud, my flesh twitching in her hand and asked her with amusement tinging my voice, "What do you think you're doing?"

She shrugged her shoulders against my chest, looking up at me, equal parts innocence and mischief lighting her eyes, "Just playing…" her fingers stroked my chest, "you're so powerful. Your body, it's not the way a mage is supposed to be. It's powerful, lithe, perfect…"

I purred, ego and flesh swelling from her words as she continued, "Muscled but not overly so. I like that about you, muscled without being bulky. I don't even know how you do it. I walk around as much as you do… I'm all soft."

My fingers stroked her breast, down her stomach, her womanly curves all mine for the taking, "You're beautiful, sweetheart. Soft, curved in all the right places… I love this curve here," my fingers traced her waist, "And this one here," my fingers grazed her hips, "Oh… and don't forget this curve." My hands cupped her slickness deeply and she hummed, the vibration echoing between our chests pressed together. From where I sat, leaning against the headboard, I could see right down her back and watch those sexy little gyrations her hips made as I touched her.

Her expression became a mixture of wanton lust and shy modesty as she tenderly kissed and touched my chest before her lips dragged downwards to my stomach. Could she possibly be intending to – I asked her, "What are you doing?"

She giggled with her face in my stomach, "I'm just curious…"

I told her simply, "Curiosity killed the cat."

She laughed at me, "But _satisfaction _brought it back."

Hales was coming to me with new eagerness, new skills, it made my pulse thicken, blood pounding with want. Her tongue flicked out over the tip of my quickly hardening flesh, her lips wrapping around me, her eyes promising me things that I had barely dared to dream could happen but had often fantasized about. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, not thrusting between her lips to partake in the sweet ache she'd build within me. My breath left me, hissing out and I dragged her up to me, rolling over her as I said in a low voice, "You tempt me, unbearably so."

Her eyes were crystal clear as she looked up into my eyes, "Then have me, Anders… have me," all of her love shone through her eyes and face. I felt a wondrous sensation warming me all the way to my soul and my hands cradled her as the whole world became perfect in her arms. Time seemed to pause just for a second, that moment stretching out forever. I said with affection, trying to temper the overcoming emotions I felt, "Little tease, little love, do you know what you do to a man like me? I'm trying to be gentle and you make it difficult for me not to play out my wildest fantasies."

She whispered with desire curling in her voice, "Do you have many fantasies?"

"Many," I whispered into her neck, "I've had you in every single room ever imaginable to man, aboard ships, in your library. I've imagined making love to you in the bathtub. I've wanted to hear you beg. I've wanted to tie you up… but all this is not for tonight… Tonight is just for you."

Then she begged me, "Love me, Anders… just once more…"

I shook my head, smiling at her, "That would never be good enough… you should ask for 'just forever'."

Apparently, I wasn't as tired as I thought.

* * *

><p>AN: Okay, I'll be honest - writing this chapter was a little challenging for me. I wanted to be able to create the perfect moment between the two characters but really personalize it. Anders is fun-loving, playful and I wanted the scene to have that element. How did I do? Please let me know, please R&R!

Love,  
>Ann<p> 


	18. The Truths That Break and Unite

**Chapter 18 - The Truths That Break and Unite**

_Hales_

I woke with light breath tickling at the back of my neck, a leg firmly wedged between my own in a possessive tangle of limbs and a delightfully heavy arm thrown over my waist, dragging my back flat against a broad chest, a low and satisfied hum reverberating into my back. I felt enclosed. I felt _safe_.

A smile stretched across my lips without conscious thought, my body relaxed and limp. My eyes fluttered open, watching the dappled sunlight play patterns and shadows on the floor. It was, at the very least, late morning, maybe even early afternoon. I had no wish to move.

Gentle scrapes of stubble behind my ear made my smile stretch further as I realized that Anders was awake behind me and had been watching me rest for he spoke in a low voice, appealingly dulcet and soothing, completely unmarred by sleep.

"Good morning, love."

Oh, I could get used to such days, the mornings lazy, affectionate and Maker, so wonderful. I turned in his arms, his body shifting with mine in perfect harmony so that we stayed intertwined every moment. I stared up into bright amber eyes, its warm honeyed depths shining and I hummed, "Mmm…I could get used to this, Anders."

He smiled at me, lazy and cat-like, as he rolled over me, sliding his hands along the contours of my arms until they lay above my head. His lips met mine, languid and slow, each movement deliberate and savoured. My arms curled around his neck and I surrendered to him completely, allowing him to do as he wished. His nose gently bumped mine in affection and both of us smiled and chuckled, playfully wrestling each other in bed. Giggles erupted, mock growls ricocheted, laughter echoed in the air, curling against the surfaces of the objects around the room.

Until we fell off the bed, a loud thump and a heap of limbs against the floor; we looked at each other for a moment, both too shocked for words. How did we manage to fall off the huge bed? We had a forever of room. We laughed until a voice echoed outside my door that caused us to stop short, "Dear, are you alright? I thought I heard something."

A sparkle, an evil gleam caught in his eyes as Mother asked about my welfare. I nearly didn't catch it as I stuttered out, "I'm… I'm fine." His lips found my neck, nibbling and sucking at the base as his fingers stroked at my thighs. I shot him a death glare as Mother asked me, "Oh alright. I'm going out into town to fetch a few dresses from the seamstress, we've been invited to all those parties. I do hope you'll try to attend a few of them."

"Ah… Yes," Anders' tongue was doing wonderful things upon my breast, his teeth scraping over my flesh. I threw my head back, hitting the wooden bedside table and I screeched, "Ow!"

"Dear! What's wrong?"

I tried to recover quickly as I slapped him on the arm, his shoulders shaking from amusement, "I'm fine! I'm fine! Don't worry about me!" I cried out loudly.

"Uh huh, whatever you say. There are a few letters for you. I've left them with Bodahn, make sure you write back!" Mother called from the other side of the door but I was lost to his touch, his palm was pressed against me, a heated and torturously slow rubbing ensued against my slippery folds. I was breathless as I stuttered, "Whatever… yes… Yup, okay."

There was an amused tinge in her voice as she said, "Goodbye dear. Tell Anders I say hello!"

The embarrassment froze my core, I squealed and stiffened, watching with mock disapproval as Anders boomed out with laughter before yelling, "See you later, Leandra!"

I covered my face with my hands in complete mortification, smacking his chest as he leaned back on his hands, sitting on the floor with laughter shaking his entire body. He was almost out of breath, air slicing into his form violently. In revenge, I squeezed his rigid flesh with quick fingers, effectively stopping him completely as his eyes widened in surprise and his breath stopped short. With a light groan, he leaned forward to kiss me but I skipped to my feet, prancing to the opposite side of the room with a, "Oh look at the sun… it's so beautiful."

From behind me, I heard him throw himself onto the bed with a pitiful whine, "Oh you cruel, cruel woman."

I told him without a single ounce of sympathy but a heap of cruel satisfaction, "You've only yourself to blame." I told him with an unaffected tone, "You're all hot and bothered and I'm not," it was a lie of course and as I turned around, it became abundantly clear that I was outmatched. He laid on the bed, stretched out like a feast, my eyes roaming his body without shame. It was his smile that caused wildfire to flood through my body. Irresistible, gorgeous, sexy with his little 'come hither' curl at the corners of his lips and adding that crook of his fingers? Too much. At the same time, he had that face, I realized, that just made you want to trust him. 'Trust me', his smile crooned. He should have come with a warning attached to his robes.

It made my body ache for him. I wanted to touch, to taste, to make love until his legendary stamina gave out. Still, I tried to resist. I forced to control the shudder that rampaged through me, to look at him with indifference in my expression but Anders was hardly fooled.

His fingers trailed down and wrapped around the base of his flesh, his stroke casual but sure as fingers moved up until he reached the tip. I nearly whimpered as he moaned out gently, tipping his head back to call out my name. Blonde hair draped at his shoulders and his other hand gripped the sheets, knuckles beginning to turn white. "Hales…" his eyes pleaded with mine, the need and hunger beginning to show, "come here…I want you."

I was lost. His words were so sweetly spoken, restrained despite the wanting that must surely be aching his body that I went to him, like in a trance, in a dream, floating towards him for his touch, for his endlessly wondrous touch. I fell to the bed beside him and immediately, his hunger overwhelmed me. He was hard where I was soft, angular where I was curved and we fit perfectly. My nails scored down his back as his hands spread my legs apart in a swift but seductive motion.

It was different this time, the fire burned hotter, rougher and the need was still just a strong but more. I needed more. I reached for him, guiding him towards my core, slippery in molten need but he shook his head and murmured, "Why the rush?"

The words spilled out, vulgarities that I didn't even knew I could speak, "I want it hard. I want to feel you pound me into the bed." They tumbled out from the heady passion I felt and his eyes widened before becoming lidded, hot flames dancing behind his eyes, an uncivilized purr welled from deep within his chest and he sheathed himself within me, one single hot stroke that sliced all the way into my core.

His voice was still a teasing lilt but each word was coarsely spoken, rough and just slightly harsh, "Naughty little girl," he gave a violent snap of his hips, "saying such words," his fingers pinched at my nipples, "do you know what it does to men like me?"

Oh, I knew. He was showing me. He was thrusting into me like he was a man starved, a man who thirsted and I was the only drop of water left in the world. It was rich, it was glorious pleasure that almost beckoned pain yet still, I cried out, "More Anders… Yes…Maker, give me more."

And he did. He showed me pleasure beyond my dreams as fire and ice encased us both, burning, freezing, shocking lightening sparking between our bodies as our mana merged together; it was nothing I had ever experienced before. Anders was my anchor amidst the chaos of mind numbing pleasure, I gripped to him as the seductive abyss beckoned. I writhed as the pace became harder still, the snap of hips against hips echoing against the walls. He hissed in my ear, "You belong to me. Mine."

I pushed my body against him and yielded. It was too much, far too much and his fingers did not even need to reach between us to roughly pinch or rub. He commanded, "Come for me," his voice hoarse and panting in my ear and I fell, exploded, my body shuddering into release as Anders roared out his own above me. I shook, quaked, shivered and panted, twisting this way and that to ride through the brutal, vicious wave that overtook me. Our eyes locked as our hips tensed and stuttered in its rhythm, vulnerability crossed his features and I felt warmth spurting within my depths. He collapsed upon me and I buried my face into his neck.

"Maker woman, I think you've killed me," he said breathlessly, rolling onto our sides to avoid crushing me. I yawned and nuzzled his chest. He said, "You are a very bad girl. I don't know any good girls who would say something like that."

The frantic embarrassment came as I cried out, "It just...came out!" I tried to explain, my fingers strumming at his shoulder, "It felt good, it felt right. Being with you makes me feel…" I searched for the words, trying to come up with the right term that could describe the perfection of being with me, spending time with him. It came out listlessly, "free."

His only response was to kiss me deeply, slow and gentle, tender as a sigh before whispering with understanding, "I love you, sweetheart." I wasn't sure how he could instil understanding in his voice but somehow, he just seemed to know what I was thinking.

It was the beginning of wondrous days and I thought that this was my happily ever after, the place where the story books ended despite my life continuing everyday. Very little about life had truly changed. The days were spent righting the wrongs of Kirkwall just like normal, some days Anders would come along, other days he remained at his clinic. Some nights we had Diamondback scheduled with Varric at the Hanged Man and though everyone tittered over our clasped hands, occasional kisses or his pulling me onto his lap, everything settled out into a lovely routine that I could never tire of.

There was a day spent near Sundermount, a beautiful lake and glade setting for a picnic. Anders had surprised me in the morning with a basket in hand and together, we had strolled towards the mountains, taking in the sights and sounds of nature. We talked, about the world, about the way we thought, our dreams, our wishes and he revealed to me, "I once fought for everything. Fought for my freedom, fought for the lives of mages, wanted to be a carefree man but I have you now and suddenly, nothing means as much to me as it once did."

Sagely, I had told him that, "Love changes us."

It had been true. Anders was once promiscuous and I had wondered if I could ever be enough for him but when I had asked, "Will you always love me? Will you leave because I'm not enough?" I felt foolish for his eyes were so full of love and wonderment for me. How could I ever doubt him? He murmured, "I am as much yours as you are mine. Never fear. There will never be another but you."

I had laid my head upon his chest, his fingers threading into my hair. He told me about Justice, how good it felt to be free but how grateful he was to have known Justice. The dichotomy astounds me but he explained that Justice made life sacred, made many things sacred as they so deserved. He couldn't argue with that. Honestly, neither could I.

It was blissful days, everyday waking up to bright sunlight and his warm body and every night, falling asleep to soft kisses or passionate lovemaking. I forgot Kirkwall. I forgot everything. I forgot that Meredith was still being hounded by the nobles to resign. I forgot the endless riots. I walked by them and didn't realize what they were even for.

The days were perfection.

_Anders_

Oh yes, the days were perfection indeed. It was days of endless laughter, endless happiness, endless love and if I may say, I began to find out a lot of delectable secrets about Hales. She was very…limber, exotic and she began to lose her shyness around me. She retained that strangely appealing combination of wanton and innocence but she wasn't so nervous anymore. Some mornings, she strode around the room, naked as the day she was born, her hips swaying side to side until it became too much and I pulled her onto the bed so I could drive deeply into her.

There were days that the clinic was bustling with more people than usual and she would stay with me, into the night, to save lives. Her heart was so _big_ and I had to wonder how she managed to care for so many people. She explained to me, "Just because you care about someone else doesn't mean you care less for those you already love. It just means your heart grows." I couldn't believe my luck; how had I landed such a magnificent woman? I decided not to question it

We made our days special. I took her to picnics on Sundermount, she surprised me with favourite foods at dinner, I danced with her in the garden under the moonlight, she made love to me whilst swimming along a lake in the woods. Everyday, one way or another, we spent time together but as the days grew on, there was something missing. Something that would have scared me witless was I to think about it years ago. A ring and a promise.

I was the brunt of every joke. Varric threw lines like, "Oh Blondie, she's got her Hawkey claws deep under your skin." Isabela thought I was insane, "Marriage? Sex with one person for the rest of your life! No way!" Merrill giggled, what more could she have done? Fenris made no comments. Sebastian clapped me on the shoulder and told me that he was certain Andraste would approve. Considering where he wore his belt, I'm sure Andraste would approve. Being crotch-level would surely lower her standards some. Aveline taunted me, "The apostate mage looking for freedom wants to get tied down?"

Of course, they eventually helped. Varric had his jeweller friend come meet me at the Hanged Man and I spent the better part of a day trying to pick something out. Hales was simple, elegant. She liked practical things that were pretty but not flashy. Something colourful, I thought to myself, something that would express the many facets of her personality.

Eventually, I found the perfect ring. It was simple, two bands that were twisted together. One gold and the other bronze, with a line of colourful jewels adorning each band. It was pretty, interesting, different, unique but practical, it wouldn't get in her way.

I wanted to give it to her…

I just never got the time.

_Hales_

Meredith was becoming a problem and soon, I heard quite the earful from a lot of nobles. Apparently, court had been held and Meredith had exclaimed that what she had done was justified. She had evidence of my harbouring mages and sought to keep the peace. Though I was an apostate granted clemency due to my titles; that did not allow me to harbour mages. She felt that she had done nothing wrong. The nobles pressed for her resigning. Meredith refused to give up power.

"…Atrocious, isn't it? The nobles demand her resignation and she's becoming a tyrant!" cried out the Comte at some formal dinner with what I thought was an atrocious accent, faked to seem more aristocratic than he actually was. Varric and I shared a raised eyebrow but neither of us commented. Much of the outrage was much the same, "Does she think she is Viscount? She is nothing but a dirty Templar!" to "Oh! But her hair and skin is so awful! Do you think she ever looks after herself?"

Grand Cleric Elthina was at wit's end, trying to placate the nobles but keeping Meredith in line and reasonable. She came to me, asking me to publicly address the issue. I asked her, "You want me to tell the nobles that what Meredith did was right in order to keep the peace?"

When I phrased it that way, she could hardly say yes. She shook her head, "No, I just want you to make a statement that Meredith shouldn't resign."

"I won't do this. Meredith should resign. Not even a public apology to me will make me say anything other than the truth." I told her sedately.

For a while, I believe Sebastian was a little upset with me for denying the Grand Cleric's wishes but I believe that he knew I had suffered greatly at Meredith's hands and neither could or would he blame me for refusing.

So it went on for the better part of two months until one day, Meredith snapped. She took hostages, Grand Cleric Elthina and other Mothers and Sisters alike as well as many of the mages. Under a pretence of wanting the Grand Cleric and her entourage to bless the Gallows, the Templars and all who dwelled within, she quickly turned on them. I had been giggling with Anders, curled up to pillows and breakfast when Sebastian had asked to see me along with Bethany and Cullen.

Though Sebastian was thankfully unharmed, he was frustrated and fearful for the Grand Cleric's sake, "Meredith's gone mad! She's taken hostages in the Gallows! We need to fight! To save Kirkwall!" He was ranting, pacing like a madman. It was understandable, of course.

Cullen had interrupted his words, "Bethany and I need to leave. If Meredith catches on that she's escaped…" the implication was there. It was luck and his sharp intuition that had allowed Bethany to escape, we did not want to waste that opportunity. I had him take Mother and Bethany to Sundermount, "Take them to the areas near the Dalish clans until the situation blows over."

He had protested, "I can stay and try to help!" but I shook my head, "Someone needs to protect them."

As they left and I had time to dress in robes and ready my equipment and weapons, Sebastian had Bodahn gather the others to meet in my parlour. When everyone arrived, we began to discuss plans on how best to tackle the issue. Then partway through, we heard Meredith's voice, booming unnaturally loudly from the Gallows, like something was magically enhancing the volume of her voice. She threatened, "Bring the Champion to me and the rest go free. Champion, if you flee Kirkwall, know that for each day you do not surrender to me, I will gut one of your mage friends."

For a few hours, loud squeals of fear and panic was broadcasted from the Gallows, echoing right through Hightown. At first, guards and Templars attempted to fight their way into the building but somehow, magic and terror had overcome the place. Statues became animated, their giant bodies made of solid brass and metal tramping along the castle perimeter. From what Aveline told me, many men lost their lives to the onslaught. How could man fight against metal?

So, Kirkwall turned its back on me and suddenly, I was no longer Champion but the root of the evil. Though some of the guard were indeed loyal to Aveline, many defected, joining with the remaining Templars to capture me and allow Meredith to do as she wished. There were too many of them and at Isabela's insistence, our entire group fled to the borders of Kirkwall. Even Sebastian had to abandon the thought of the Grand Cleric at least momentarily.

Fear turned me cold, I was running for my life again and this time, the threat was larger than just a stray Templar finding out about my use of magic. They would throw me to the mercy of Meredith and the thought terrified me. She would not be satisfied with death. She would torture me. And this time, I would not be able to withstand the pressures. I would succumb and become an empty husk, a mindless shell. It was not how I would want to live.

At the end of the first day, a horrified screeching echoed through the city. Painful, agonizing as the voice of a young man screamed for mercy. I closed my eyes and with Sebastian, we prayed for the lost soul. Through the tormented shrieking, I could make out enough of the situation to know that Meredith was not granting swift death. She was cutting the mage, one place at a time, dragging out his death for what would seem like an eternity. I could see the image in my mind; stomach, back, livid red lines of blood slashing across the skin.

With so many mages taken as hostage, many mage splinter groups came to fight, to protest but they were not interested in storming down the Gallows, they wanted to make me a martyr, to show the world that Meredith would never be allowed to get what she wanted. That her taking hostages were a futile effort and it no longer had any leverage. In broad daylight, the blood mages came for me, each throwing spells in the hopes of incapacitating me.

The end of day two gave me the screams of a young girl, barely in her teens. At least, that was how I imagined her. A little girl, it could have been Bethany as a child, I thought. The death was slow and the sounds of pain made goosebumps appear all over my skin.

The group had no idea what to do. Even Aveline had no determination left in her body. Fenris fought when he had to and paced our campsite. Merrill just sat, her usual cheeriness gone from her face. Isabela was all for running but that was hardly surprising. Anders… he had it the worst. He hated what was happening to the mages but neither did he have any ideas as to how to fight Meredith.

By day three, the smell of blood turned my stomach, sank into my skin and hair such that the stink was always present with me and I realized: This was not how life was supposed to be lived. I stood in the middle of the campsite and ordered, "Pack. We're going back. We'll storm the Gallows and fight."

"NO!", "What are you? Crazy?", "I think Hawke has taken too many blows to the head," came at me in varying version. Determination flooded through me and I told them in an assertive tone, "No! We're going back. We can't spend the rest of our lives running every time something goes wrong and we can't just walk away when Meredith has every mage held as hostage in the Gallows. We have to go. We don't have a choice."

Anders shook me, his harsh grip of hands upon my arms angry and he shook me with a thunderous expression, "You will die! You've heard what's going on up there. There are moving statues there. They don't bleed. They don't die. BUT YOU DO! We're not going back!"

I thought he would be the most to support me and disappointment flooded through me. I shoved him away from me, "We're talking about the welfare of every mage in all of Thedas. If Meredith can get away doing shit like this, you don't think other Templars won't try it? Don't be so stupid! Of all people, Anders, I would have thought you'd understand!"

I looked at all of them, my voice cold in demand, "We're leaving. Move out!"

My friends all exchanged awkward glances but none dared to disobey my orders. I had laid my life on the line many times over for them. They would do the same for me, reluctant though it may be. Everyone left Anders and me alone. Judging by his murderous expression, it was probably the wisest move. He thundered with a awful, heartbreaking quality in his voice, "Don't do this, Hales. I've just found you. We can't do this. You'll die. We were supposed to have the rest of our lives together…"

His pleading made me angrier, my frustration growing as I cried out, "You should know how important this is. You were willing to sacrifice your life for these mages, once upon a time. What is so different now?" I accused him with cruel words, "You're becoming a selfish coward! How could you put yourself before the lives of every single mage?"

Anders frowned, his eyes narrowing into dangerous slits. I realized how foolish my choice of words had been and how untrue. I tried to take it back by apologizing but he waved his hand in a single imperious swipe in the air and sneered, "Don't bother. I have things to do whilst you play the fearless leader, like playing the worthless coward who hides in the Champion's shadow for protection," he walked away but he paused for a moment to tell me, "I would have thought that you of all people understood, that after all this time fighting for a cause, there would be time to rest, to enjoy life and love. But I guess the Champion doesn't think I deserve that."

"No, this isn't like that at all!" I told him angrily, stepping forward to assert my protests, "I don't think that about you. You're not my lapdog. You're my lover! It's not like that!"

"Isn't it?" he asked, his tone becoming sardonic, "You're our fearless leader. You're always the one on top. You're the one giving orders and people just follow them. I used to be like that but we're lovers now, partners. I can't be on equal footing with you unless you let me help shoulder your decisions."

I exclaimed loudly, "This isn't about us. We're not a consideration in all of this. We will never be! This is about the mage and Templar problem!"

He eyed me coldly, "This isn't about us? Fine. I guess I should have known better. Its fine, really it is. I should have known you were too good to be true." Then he walked away from me, not even looking back.

I winced at the impact of his words but I did not respond. I deserved his jibes after what I had said. I felt awful, shame swimming in my blood. He had fought all his life for freedom, for the freedom of others, it wasn't so much to ask to enjoy life, to have love. I wanted to apologize but maybe we needed time to cool down, to simmer and relax. The truth was that we had pressure and the burden of other lives on our shoulders. It didn't take a genius to realize that sometimes, people were more fragile than they seemed and that sometimes, the burden could make them fracture and break.

It took two days just to return to Kirkwall city. Blood mage after blood mage, Templar after Templar, guard after guard fell at our feet. Now and again, we found guards who were still loyal to Aveline and they joined our group, helping us fight as we began to lose faith and energy but it seemed almost hopeless.

Near the gates of the city, a large group of Templars paced along the perimeter, a group too large for us to fight against. Though they seemed exhausted, blood smears and dirt marking the Maker's sword on their chest-plates until it was nigh impossible to see. We sidled towards the trees, trying to keep ourselves hidden from them but the rustle of our movements caught their attention. They came at us, charging with their silver blades up in the air. In the trees, we had no room and we came out into the open ground to fight. As I readied my staff and all around me, my friends took their stances, it seemed that Templars were not our only concern.

Mages, splinter groups came from behind us, flanking us from the trees. We were surrounded. We were outnumbered, at least three of them to one of us. Whether mage or Templar, there was no use in fighting but neither would we surrender. To allow Meredith to torture us? I would rather a quick death, even at the hands of a Templar.

I stared into Anders' eyes for a moment, just one moment before I closed them, hearing my blood pound in my ears as time seemed to slow and the Templars' movements were almost caught in a strange, slow loop. As one neared me, I thrust our staff forward just as a familiar voice cried out, "Templars! Stand down!"

Cullen.

I shifted tactics, turning from aggressive to defensive, barrier walls cast around a few of us. Merrill and Anders followed suit. For a few moments, everyone paused. The splinter group mages held their fire despite the instruction not being directed at them. The Templars bowed to Cullen, "Knight-Captain!"

Cullen told them, "Stop this madness. You will not harm the Champion."

"But-"

"No 'buts', Lachlan. I know very well what Meredith wants but she will not have her wish fulfilled this way," he turned his eyes on me and tried to joke, "You don't look so good."

I shrugged, "I don't feel so good."

Seeing him, it was like a crisp breeze of mountain air. Hope rose within me. Cullen was a skilled leader, capable and proficient in the use of his sword and mind. I felt relief course through me. If the situation hadn't been so dire, I could have happily kissed him.

Then the Templars veered towards the apostates, steadily stalking them. The apostates readied their spells, ice and fire already forming at their fingertips. I rushed out in their defence, "No! Stop!"

The whole world seemed to freeze again, if only momentarily. It was such a strange situation. It was like the insertion of logic into the situation made everyone surprised and shocked. Perhaps it was because the need to fight, to survive was so strong that there was no place for logic anymore.

I told the Templars, "We don't need to fight," I looked towards the apostates and went back and forth between the two groups, "The problem is Meredith. She is the one who has mages in the Gallows. She is the one who took the Sisters and Elthina. She's the one we have to stop."

Everyone lowered their weapons, like their minds were slowly becoming their own. They were capable of thinking again. It was like re-educating a child, opening up options to a savant, letting light where there was darkness. I continued soothingly with a calm that I had not felt in those days and hours, "Killing me or each other won't solve any problems. Killing me solves the problem only in the short term. Short term gain, long term pain. We cannot have Meredith being allowed to continue as she pleases or encourage other people to abuse mages whenever they like. We need to stand firm. United, we stand victorious."

There was no real way of knowing whether victory would be ours but it seemed like a good line to throw in. All around me, friends, mages, Templar and guard alike were nodding, understanding and suddenly, faith was renewed.

Together, we had a chance.

Together, we could survive.

Together, we would right the wrongs that Meredith committed.

Together, we would succeed.

Cullen and I stood at the head of the group, our small army trailing together into Kirkwall. I touched his arm, grateful for his presence, "You have impeccable timing, Cullen. Thank you."

He had smiled, unlike us, he seemed very clean and still very fresh, unburdened by the endless killing that some of us had seen, "Couldn't let you have all the fun."

I asked with hesitation, "Bethany and Mother?"

"Safe. I left them with the Dalish clans and returned to help."

As we trudged from Darktown into Lowtown into Hightown, we found strays that we collected. Cullen's Templars seemed to gravitate to our cause without much question. Perhaps the Templar hierarchy was simple; you followed the highest ranking member possible. In lieu of Meredith, Cullen was Knight-Captain; they would follow him. Stray guards and mages were either killed or joined our cause but with such a group that could rightfully be called an army, most surrendered, wanting to delay the inevitable for as long as possible.

Multiple boats sailed from Hightown into the Gallows but as the boats travelled, the ocean spray that covered me was… tainted. Like magic was in the air but very strange magic. There was this metallic aftertaste that lodged at the back of my throat as I breathed in, a strange coarse mixture that Varric seemed to think was lyrium. Lyrium, but how could it be? Lyrium was not found easily and certainly, not in water.

Then I found out first hand exactly what the statues were all about. They were golden golems, originally decorations along the walls of the Gallows that signified and symbolized the city of slavery. They were slaves of a different kind now. Though their hands did not cover their faces, they were borne to a task of security, swiping and killing any man who dared venture into the Gallows.

We stood at the gates, watching at least eight or nine golems strutting about aimlessly whilst a few were broken on the ground. So, I thought to myself, at least they could be 'killed'. From outside the gates, the golems were unaware of our presence and we could discuss strategies.

Aveline stated, "We could just kill all the statues first and then go in and deal with Meredith."

Cullen disagreed, "There are too many statues. We'd die before we could set foot into the Gallows. Even if we could defeat the ones walking around, there are plenty more that she could animate."

I asked, "Are there any entrances that we could use to avoid them?"

"No," said Anders, "the only ones would be the mage underground but we would have to go back to Darktown to use those."

I began speaking but partially to myself, "We need Meredith in one place. If we used those mage underground tunnels, we would get passed the golems but Meredith could run back outside to the Gallows courtyard and we would have to deal with them anyway. We need her locked in a position where she won't be reinforced."

Cullen interrupted my chain of thoughts, "If that's the case, there's only one entrance and," he pointed straight ahead through the golden army, grimy and tainted in its wake, "that would be it."

I spied at the length to the great double doors, at least several hundred feet. I muttered, "Maybe if we ran fast enough, we could get through those doors and lock it behind us. Surely, Meredith wouldn't sic the statues on the building. She wouldn't want to die."

An apostate called out behind me, "We could use barrier spells. It wouldn't be complete protection. If the statues pound at the ground, all of us could lose our footing but it would absorb some of the quaking and damage, allowing us to run freely."

Aveline nodded, "Yes… that could work. If we all break up into smaller groups, the statues would separate. Divide and conquer, so to speak."

Cullen nodded, "Alright, let's do it. Men, partner up with a mage."

Mage and Templar, working together. I thought I'd never see the day. Yet, it seemed that when a larger threat beckoned, even enemies could and would stand side by side. The enemy of my enemy was my friend. Who was the bigger enemy, if not Meredith?

I stood with Cullen and Aveline, holding both hands up in the air as I weaved and summoned spells to me. Syllables of listless words left my lips as I mumbled and a wave of blue covered over the three of us. Across the way, I watched as Anders did the same and our eyes locked for a moment.

This was it. The fight of our lives and we would go in angry at each other. I hated it and I mouthed the words, 'I love you' but I don't know if he really saw. When all of us were covered by a barrier and none stood unprotected, we ran like demons were at our heels. Though I was certain that statues were not capable of shock, I was equally certain that we had the element of surprise. They were not expecting us. Meredith was not expecting us. That simple knowledge and fact made the sprint, almost fun, exciting at the least and I heard at least, a few cackles of laughter. I was impressed by Cullen and Aveline though. Despite the heavy armour, they were really fast. I struggled to keep up and I was wearing nothing by a thin robe. I suppose that their bodies were battle honed. Mine was not, not really.

We dodged and weaved, all the groups spreading out. From above, it would almost appear like separate streams of water sliding away from the original source at the gate of the Gallows. I ducked beneath the legs of a statue as it towered above me, lost my footing as one pounded the floor, Aveline fell backwards at some point, I heard cries of terror and screams of pain as I watched one group fall, the mage losing concentration and the barrier faltered. The statue swooped in and it was like the scene between Carver and the ogre was playing out in my mind. I was watching it happen again. Large hands, clawed and deformed grabbed at Carver's body and squeezed. There was an explosion of flesh and bone and I stopped completely for a moment, watching the horrific scene.

"Hales!" there were screams in the air but I didn't really hear it.

"Run! What are you looking at? What are you waiting for?"

Then it was like Carver was beside me, speaking in my ear, a frantic and urgent tone sounding as he half-shouted, "Run, Hales, RUN!"

An angry torrent of wind pushed me from behind and I woke up, my barrier rose and with Cullen and Aveline, we sprinted the rest of the way through the double doors. I ran for my life and it seemed fitting that Anders was on the other side of the door, his horrified expression freezing on his face, there was my life, standing right there, my anchor in the storm. Anders. Anders. Anders. His name echoed in my head, my blood pounded in my ears and somehow, the three of us threw ourselves through the doors.

BOOM.

Fenris and another Templar pushed the doors shut, slabs of wood and metal locking at the knobs to keep from them being opened. Then silence. As I puffed, my breath slowly catching and returning to me, I began to hear some noises. Little sniffles, rustles of clothing, shifting of feet and then the buzzing sound of wings. Wings? I thought to myself but as our group strode into the light, I couldn't believe I didn't think of it before.

Bodies completely drained of blood, empty, chunks of flesh lying on the floor. Rotting flesh with flies already crawling and flying around and for certain, I saw a piece of flesh with maggots worming around. I felt bile and vomit threatening to rise into my throat. The expressions of my companions were much the same.

All along the sides of the once hallowed halls sat Sisters, Mothers and mages alike. They were each comforting one another. Then a horrified and miserable gasp came from Sebastian, "No! Maker, no!"

I looked at him and followed his line of sight. Grand Cleric Elthina sat in one corner of the room, her body was pale, too pale, and her neck was at an awkward angle, evidently broken. Sebastian neared her body and knelt, tears running freely down his face. I bowed my head, what had Meredith done?

Though Elthina was not always the most determined person and neither did she ever interfere in situations that she ought to, she had been a good woman, unworthy of such a death. A timid Sister explained, "She tried to talk sense into Meredith but the Knight-Commander-" the Sister broke off into tears and I watched Sebastian murmur a prayer.

He rose and said simply, "Her death will not go unpunished."

I nodded, putting my hand upon his shoulder in comfort, "Please Sebastian, focus for now. I promise you that Elthina will not be forgotten."

I had to wonder why Meredith had not shown herself and yelled out, "Come out, Meredith. I'm here."

Meredith stood before me as the whirls of red died away, the tip of her sword pointed against the ground. She was a blur of electric red, angry white lines accompanying her red haze. It seemed to bounce off her the way Anders' electricity trick bounced off his skin, volatile and jumpy. She looked haggard, even more than usual. Her skin was dry, flaking and unhealthy in colour. Her lips were a thin line and her hair was stringy and coarse but it was her eyes that caught me, the evil tainted red colour.

I asked her, shock and disgust colouring my voice, "What happened to you?"

Varric said sardonically, "Bartrand happened. That's what." He pointed towards a small trinket that had been died to the hilt of Meredith's sword. It seemed so familiar to me but I couldn't pinpoint what it was. However, the way Varric phrased it made me realize that it could be nothing by the lyrium idol that I had found in the Deep Roads!

Horrified at the revelation, I cried out, "That lyrium idol will drive you insane!"

"Insane?" Meredith sneered, "I am the only sane one left! I see you for what you are, blood mages! All of you! Succumbed to the influences of an apostate!"

She whirled her sword in the air, in what I had to admit was a stylish fashion, before pointing it towards me. She yelled, "Templars, I give you a chance. Take her and you will redeem yourselves!"

Cullen stated in cold order, "Stand down, Templars. You will not harm the Champion this day."

No one moved. Silence reigned then with an angry shriek, Meredith charged.

And so did we, running forward to meet her. I called out to the mages who had been at Meredith's mercy, "Fight with us! Now is your chance!" They rushed forward without extra prompting.

It was unbelievable how much power Meredith possessed because of the idol. Swords that grazed her skin seemed to heal over instantly, though a little blood had been spilt. Fire that burned away at flesh would close though it became marred with an extra piece of corded skin that seemed to weld and mix into her flesh. Though many Templars and guards alike overwhelmed her, flanking her at every possible angle, surrounding her in a circle, she could deflect most of the blows. She moved as quickly as wind and her bursts of magic were incredible. It was like my use of mind blast only more powerful, more impacting. Some fell back but others flew backwards, knocked out cold within an instant. I heard cracks of skulls, fractures of bones and when she was free, she flew at me. I erected a barrier just in time for her sword to nick my shoulder in a tiny but deep gash.

As I lowered the blue protection, I lifted my staff to deflect her blow before sweeping to the side as I watched Sebastian take aim. An arrow lodged right into her neck. She looked down almost in curiosity. She pulled the piece of wood out in total indifference. I watched with horrified interest as some strange purple mist was interwoven with electric red. It sewed the skin back together and all that remained was a pool of blood that had leaked down from the wound and ugly welded flesh.

Then it all made sense. I needed something that would continuously wound her such that as the flesh knitted together, my spell would tear it apart.

Fire.

I called out to the mages, "Fire spell, aim it at her for as long as you can!"

The burst of flames from every mage kept her stationary. She could not move from the pressure of the endless fire that burned away her skin. She screamed, oh it was a wretched sound, it was grating, shrill and pulled at me like my flesh was being scraped away from bone. It was chilling and all I could see was the black hole of her open mouth as she exclaimed her pain.

Meredith was slowly dying, as slow or perhaps even more arduous than the ones she had delivered to the mages who lay dead on the floor. When she realized what was happening, she tried to fight, her movements slow as a snail but sure and certain as she stepped in my direction. Swords were readied at my side as my friends realized what she was attempting but she was too sluggish in her movement. For every step she made, I could make three of four. The distance between us widened.

Through the orange brightness of the flames, I saw how deformed she had become. Her hair was gone and her armour had melted but remained attached to her skin like glue. She was almost part statue but her face, there was almost no skin left, no eyeballs. Just a skull covered by strange twists of muscle and cords of flesh and bright red blurs of lyrium that still fired within her skull. I couldn't even see any mush of brain. The fire had taken away all of that.

Meredith's husk of a body fell to its knees and as our flames slowly pulled away until black smoke and hot air existed above our bodies, all that remained was a twisted mass of melted metal and a single orb of red that floated above Meredith's corpse. Anders waved his staff once and even the flurry of red dissipated, becoming dust and dirt on the floor.

It was over, truly over. Meredith's reign over Kirkwall was lifted and it would be a while before disaster struck Kirkwall again and by then, we would be well in our graves.

But as I stared at Anders and watched him turn away from me with sad eyes, I had to wonder; yes, it was well and truly over but at what cost?

* * *

><p>AN: Sorry, this update took so long. I've had a few assignments due and a close relative died. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. As always, please R&R!

Love, Ann


	19. The Truths About Love

**Chapter 19 – The Truths About Love**

_Hales_

In war, victory. We were victorious. I didn't think we would survive but somehow, we managed without too many scrapes, bruises or injuries. We were alive. To me, it was like a replay of the Qunari fight. We had fought as a group and united, we stood firm.

United, we were triumphant.

But were we? Really? I watched Aveline and Cullen reorder the group, reorder the mages and Templars and guards. At Cullen's request, I had stayed with them throughout. He had wanted to make a public announcement in Hightown, to let the nobles know that Kirkwall had been saved. He wanted me to be present and I could hardly say no.

In Hightown Square, Aveline had her guards knock on the doors of noble households and bring them to an assembly in the public domain. When many had arrived, Cullen began to explain the situation but I barely listened, trying to catch Anders' eye. He refused to look at me and for a moment, I was tempted to shoot lightening at him, just a light zap to make him lock eyes with me. I just didn't understand why he was so upset. It was nothing we hadn't done in the past.

"…Kirkwall has gone without a Viscount long enough and I believe it is high time that the nobles of Kirkwall discussed who should step into the privileged role and take this city to greater heights."

That caught my attention and I shot Cullen a surprised look of 'you are talking about this _now_?' He smiled at me with something short of exhaustion and continued plainly, "Personally, I have no doubt that the Champion of Kirkwall is a worthy woman of the position, capable of reforming our nation from the dust and give rise to the greatest nation the Free Marches has ever seen."

Shock. That was all I felt. I was put on the spot and I wasn't sure whether to comment or outright reject. Politics was not my strong suit. This wasn't my arena. Seeing my expression, Cullen hurried out, "This is a potential solution but as the nobles of Kirkwall, I hope each of you will deeply contemplate what is in the best interests of Kirkwall and decide accordingly."

There were celebrations as Cullen finished his speech. Nobles came to congratulate me, thank me, shower praise over me until I felt almost dizzy from the words. Somehow in the crowd, I lost Anders, he slipped from my sight. I asked Varric where he was but Varric shrugged, "Don't know, Hawke. I thought Blondie would be with you."

I went back to the estate, alone. He wasn't there. Ser Silkie was still with Widge and Anders' diaries and books were still in our bedroom. He hadn't come at all. Later on, I knew that everyone would be at the Hanged Man, drinking and celebrating but he hadn't gone to the party either. There was food and drink and with some encouragement from the others, I could hardly just leave but I wondered where he was.

For two sleepless days and nights, I searched through all of Kirkwall, going back and forth between Hightown and Darktown, searching his clinic, the Hanged Man, the docks, anywhere that Anders could have been, I searched. He was no where to be found. The clinic had never been opened. I even went to the Blooming Rose but he wasn't there either. The others hadn't heard from him either.

Then Cullen arrived on the doorstep with sister and Mother in tow, it had been a welcome distraction for a few hours away from Anders but he was always there, at the back of my mind. It was also unsurprising that after Cullen's speech, the nobles wished for me to become Viscountess.

As Varric said, "Kirkwall all but got on its hands and knees, begging for you to become Viscountess."

I was moping at the Hanged Man with Varric. I asked him, "Where's Anders? Do you know?"

He shook his head, "No. He came in at some point but he left soon after."

I yelled, "Why didn't you tell someone to get me?"

"I didn't have enough time!" he explained in a huffy tone, "Hawke, don't you think I tried to make him stay and talk to you?"

I looked at the bottom of my glass, nursing the empty coolness against my forehead, "I just don't understand why he won't talk to me."

He pat my shoulder twice and sighed, "Look Hawke, both and Blondie are my friends but I swore that I wouldn't get involved. Maybe you should just wait it o-"

I shot him a cool glance, "I'm not trying to get you involved, Varric, I just want someone to talk to. I don't want to hear 'just screw him' or 'get rid of the abomination' or 'come look at flowers' or 'I'm busy with other things'. I just want someone who will listen and give me real advice."

"You really don't understand what's going on in his head?" he asked, his voice reluctant.

I shook my head and after another sigh, he gave in, "You're on top, as he says. The whole world listens to you. You're one of those high-class nobles now." At my scandalized look, he recovered, "Don't look at me like that. This isn't about how you act generally. It's just that you're the leader of our little group and he doesn't want to be someone you just order around."

"I know that," I told him, "but that doesn't explain why he's running like this. We had one fight. What does he expect, moonlight and candies and rainbows?" I threw my hands up in the air, "That's what we do! We fight! I just want him to come to me and yell at me if he has to. It's better than staying away."

Varric rolled his eyes at me like I was mentally challenged and spelt it out, "You. Are. Going. To. Be. Viscountess. What part of that don't you understand? You being on top, sitting on that throne, you're content in sitting in that _divine_ chair! He knows you were born to lead."

I fell silent, I felt anger boiling within me. How could all of my _friends_ misunderstand me so? Then Varric said, "Look Hawke, I know Blondie has his flaws. I mean, I get it, just because you look at him with goo-goo eyes and he thinks you're cute doesn't outweigh the fact that you could become Viscountess but I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that someone who is content to go to heaven alone, will never get to heaven. That Viscountess seat might give you a lot of perks but its awfully lonely sitting on that high pedestal."

I exploded in rage, fury causing my entire body to shake, "What is _wrong _with you people? You WANT to know why I'm always the leader? Because all of you people just expect that I will lead or that I _WANT _to lead. Have you ever considered that maybe I DON'T WANT TO BE VISCOUNTESS? I told Aveline to sod off when she told me to deal with the Qunari matter. Why? Because I wanted to look after Anders. I didn't go off and deal with the problem until I had to. Same deal with the mage issue. WE RAN OFF FIRST!"

Varric winced, grimaced and cringed, his face screwing up during my tirade. He tried to explain, "But we went back… We've been fighting for years. When things get completely out of hand, you swoop in and save the day. Anders doesn't want to see that anymore. He needs you safe and alive and all that crap," he said with near distaste.

I scoffed, "I didn't have a choice! People were dying _because of me_. Could he have just walked away, knowing that people were dying because of _him?_" It was unbelievable that I even had to explain myself. It went without saying. I didn't have to justify myself!

The dwarf shrugged, not knowing what to say except, "I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just not saying he's wrong either." Varric looked like he wanted to spit but he managed, "Anders loves you. In the end, maybe that's the only truth that mattered to him."

That wasn't something I could argue with.

So, I waited at the estate, trying to ease the time by reading, cleaning, doing anything whilst the rest of the world had Kirkwall cleaned up, readied for the festivals and celebrations that were to come in honour of a new era.

I spent many days with Sebastian, helping him organize Elthina's funeral, offering as much comfort and support as I could to Sebastian. He was tired, exhausted both physically and emotionally. He felt cut off from the world and from those who cared for him. I told him as we embraced, "You will always have a friend in this world. You can come to me any time you like." He was thankful for my words and presence and though still sad, he seemed to find peace in the fact that Elthina was given a proper burial and her spirit was surely with the Maker. Yet his faith had been shaken and though he continually helped the Chantry, continually took part in its affairs, he was no longer Brother Sebastian, he was simply Sebastian.

It was a different life for him, one in which he could enjoy the luxuries that life had to offer. He still didn't believe in getting drunk, wouldn't go to the Blooming Rose though Isabela insisted, still prayed everyday and preferred a humble abode but it was still a simple yet different life. He laughed more often, seemed more fun to be around and there were _some _temptations that he didn't shy away from – like good food. Perhaps it was for the best, I thought, life had more than Prince and Brother. He didn't need to be either or even both.

It had been weeks and yet, one day, Anders was back in the clinic, doing everything he normally did.

Except, he never came home.

_Anders_

Somehow, I knew she would come looking for me. I had that feeling when I opened the clinic doors again and patients rushed in when refugees realized that I was back from wherever I had been. I hadn't gone far, only to the outskirts of Kirkwall. I just camped in the wild, not wanting to face Hales or the situation but reality always sinks in.

I felt second rate, not good enough, defeated. At first, I was just angry at her, angry for her rushing off into battle and then it turned into simple misery. In some ways, she had been right. I had been a coward. In other ways, she just didn't understand. We were two different levels of people. She saved people, saved the world, what didn't she do? I wasn't a part of that. I could never be a part of that. Her words kept ringing over in my head.

_This isn't about us. We're not a consideration in all of this._

That was the problem. Kirkwall would always come before our relationship. That wasn't what I wanted and now, the nobles wanted her as Viscountess. Part of me wanted to believe that she didn't want the post. After all, she had once told Aveline that her duty was to her family first and foremost. The other part of me seemed to think that she would take it, after all, Kirkwall needed an even and steady hand, she would be best for the job – but that left no place for me. The truth twisted my heartache.

When she arrived, I could feel her presence burning over me. I couldn't see the door, in fact, my back was facing the door but I could feel her presence, almost breathe in her scent. There was no mistaking the light patter of her footsteps, quiet, even but rhythmic, like she was dancing or at least, bouncing along. I pretended not to notice, keeping my body hunched over the little girl who had an infected wound on her calf. It didn't help matters. After a huge surge in numbers, the numbers fell. The little girl was all that was left in my clinic. When Hales spoke, the sound of her voice was a fast punch straight to my heart, like Fenris had shoved his fist into my chest cavity and squeezed my beating organ.

"Do you need any help?"

I chose to ignore her but she simply waited. When the little girl thanked me for healing her wound, she skipped out of the clinic, delightfully looking for her next little adventure that would surely land her in the clinic again with me bending over her body to heal all her wounds. If only I could say the same of my heart.

I turned around to face her and all I could feel was heartache. The anger wouldn't solidify. She looked tired, dark circles beneath her eyes and miserable, her lips curving downwards in sadness. Hales was sunlight, I desperately wanted to make her smile but I was supposed to be upset! I meant to be aloof but it came out gentle, "I don't have patients. I don't need help."

"Anders, could we talk?" she whispered, then cleared her throat and continued, "I hate where we've left things."

My cool tone seemed to work better the second time around and I questioned, "Talk? About what?"

She made placating gestures with her hands and her eyes wouldn't meet mine, "Everything. What happened, the whole Meredith thing and now, the whole Viscountess thing… we should just talk-"

I cut her off with a violent hand movement, frustration pulling at my nerves. She didn't understand. She still didn't understand. I sniped, "We don't need to talk about it. All the talking is done. You said your piece, I said mine."

Her next words brought us to the baseline, "Are you breaking up with me?"

I told her cruelly, "I didn't think we had anything left to break."

She was silent, staring down at her feet. I felt so riled up. Maybe it was the lack of sleep from rolling around on the cold ground thinking of her, maybe it was to induce a reaction out of her. Maybe it was to hurt her as she had hurt me but I told her simply, "There's nothing to talk about. You decide what _you_ want to do and the rest of us live with it. You wanted to fight the mages. You went off and did that. I asked you not to. I _begged_ you not to. You _ordered _me to do whatever you wanted. What's so different about the 'whole Viscountess thing'?" I made air quotations to mock her words, "You'll do whatever _you_ think is right. It's the same shit, just different smell."

The clinic echoed with an answering crack as her hand slapped my face. It came so fast, it took a moment to even recognize that my head had turned to the side as a result. The pain came next, sharp and red. When I looked at her in shock, it came to me in spades and doubles. Her eyes glistened with tears and her cheeks were drenched. She screamed at me as I froze on the spot, almost unable to move, "People were dying because of ME! Could YOU walk away? Knowing that mages were dying for YOU? IS THAT THE KIND OF TRUTH I OWE MYSELF? TO YOU? TO US? That for each moment of freedom and happiness WE HAD, it came at the EXPENSE of the lives of MAGES?"

It was so broken, her screams of anger that each word tore at my heart. It was like cold blades had sunk into my chest and I felt like a monster for subjecting her to the cruel words I had said but it was her next words that made me feel like total pond scum. Her voice had quietened, become slightly hoarse from shouting and she croakily murmured out, "I didn't intend on taking the position of Viscountess. I just wanted a simple life, with you, with family, with friends and we could go wherever we pleased, be whatever we wanted to be." Then she stared at me with magnified brown eyes, teardrops falling crystalline and sitting near the corner of her lips, "But I guess it was too good to be true…"

Hales scampered, sobs of misery welling up her throat. I tried to call out to her, tried to _run_ after her but it was like I was frozen on the spot, I didn't even know how to move. Everything came crashing down on me. I felt like such an idiot. I felt like I had wasted the chance I had to be with her. I felt like a miserable failure for misreading her so badly.

Why hadn't I thought of it? This was _Hales_. She would never be able to live with people dying for her. Why hadn't I realized? It was never about pride. It was never about fame, fortune, money or nobility. It had been about conscience. Maker, I didn't deserve her.

And that's when it hit me.

I was undeserving of her. So, I'd marry her. It was selfish but I never claimed to be otherwise. It was so simple. After all the misery and the wallowing and everything, it was so simple. I wanted to kick myself.

Wait for me, Hales.

When I closed the clinic, I ran home. Bodahn wouldn't let me in. He told me with a disappointed sniff, "The lady wishes to be alone and asked me not to invite anyone in."

So, I went to the one person who could help me. The closet romantic.

Varric.

"Varric!" I shouted the moment I saw him, "I need help. Hales found me. I said awful things and now she's upset. Help me!"

Varric asked in a suspicious voice, "What exactly happened?"

I relayed the events to him and the first thing he did was groan, shaking his head from side to side. Then he threw a punch to my solar plexus. I fell to the floor, winded and surprised. I clutched at my stomach as he ranted about what an idiot I was whilst I gasped for breath. Then he took out Bianca and aimed it at my head, threatening, "Tell me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you."

It was around that moment that the others arrived. Sebastian was the first through the door and he cried out, "Varric! What are you doing?"

"Blondie here decided to break Hawke's heart. I'm just delivering _justice_," he jibed and sneered at me.

Sebastian gave me an arm up as the others watched the proceedings with rapture; interest was certainly blooming over Isabela's face. I took two steps back, "Now Varric," I swallowed with some unease, "just hear me out. Take it easy."

He spat at me, "You said to her and I repeat, word for word, 'same shit, different smell' in regards to Meredith and the Viscountess issue and I'm supposed to _take it easy?"_

The others tutted at me in various degrees with horror and even Sebastian gave me a disapproving glare that was utterly unsympathetic.

I begged, "I know I don't deserve her. I get it. Really, I do. I'm awful. I'm pond scum. I don't deserve her."

Fenris sneered, "So leave her alone."

I shook my head, "That's why I need to marry her."

Everyone froze at the logic behind my words, stared at me incredulously for a moment and exchanged glances amongst themselves before Isabela burst out laughing. Varric slowly lowered Bianca and the others shrugged.

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding and relief was a sweet song that coursed through my body. With a little help, I plotted.

Just wait for me…

_Hales_

Three days later, a celebration had begun in Hightown. Music had been steadily streaming through the windows whilst I curled against Anders' pillow. I heard cheers, laughter, amicable chatting, clinking of wine glasses and happiness all around that the Maker's light had guided Kirkwall through another obstacle. After the Qunari invasion and Meredith's hostage situation, things had to look up and everyone was celebrating.

I felt miserable. The tears had long dried but I was alone. Mother had never adequately dealt with my heartbreak and had left me alone, thinking that some time would ease the pain. Bethany was with Cullen and I didn't want to intrude. Neither did I want to see their shared happiness.

It came down to Carver. It always came down to Carver. If I could have slept forever, I would have but during the days, I would wake. The noise, Widge, just anything and I wouldn't find sleep until nightfall. I threw myself into sleeping, just so I could stay with Carver as once again, he comforted me for each night I had to cry. Just like Philip, now Anders. As Anders had so aptly put it, same shit, different smell.

Isabela and Aveline came charging into my room, their voices intermingled as they yelled, "Get out of bed!" They worked together, much to my disbelief, pulling and pushing me out of bed, rolling me onto the floor with a thump. I groaned out, "What do you want?"

Varric chuckled, "There's a celebration. You should come see it. It wouldn't do for the Champion of Kirkwall to hide away and not present herself to the adoring public!"

I wanted to mope but I wasn't to be left alone so, I indulged them, bathing and changing in order to be fit and proper for the Hightown nobles. Isabela insisted on rouge and lipstick, Aveline picked out my dress. Periwinkle blue but I didn't really notice. They pulled me out into the glorious sunshine, where birds twittered and the soon-to-be summer breeze fluttered around us. It was so beautiful a day, I nearly enjoyed myself. Nearly.

When the rest of the group joined us, I looked around for Anders but he wasn't there. Then that was when I began to notice how strangely everyone was behaving. Merrill was giggling even _more_ than usual. Isabela was smirking knowingly at me. Varric kept rubbing his palms together. Even Sebastian kept looking up every so often, like he was expecting someone.

Then I saw Aveline mutter something into Fenris' ear and I paused and asked them, "What's going on?"

"Nothing." Varric said swiftly, his hand at my elbow, guiding me towards the smell of roasting sweet meats. I looked at him suspiciously and he waved his hand in my face, "Oh stop it. We're just worried about you," then added, "And curious."

"Curious?" I asked, "Why would you need to be curious?"

Fenris asked in his usual indifferent tone, "We're wondering if you intend on taking the role of Viscountess."

I sighed. I had wondered that myself. It would give me something to do and though politics wasn't my strong suit, what was? I shrugged, "I don't know. At first, I would have said no but then, after everything that's happened," the implication of Anders was there and everyone shifted uncomfortably, "who knows?"

We strode into Hightown Square where wine and trays of food were served but it was quieter for conversation and I told them, "It would give me something to do and yes, I'd be lonely," I looked at Varric with significant implication, "but it's not like I'd be less lonely if I didn't take the job. Maybe I will be Viscountess. Who knows? Maybe I'd be great."

"I really hope you don't mean that."

My heart skipped a beat. Anders. He was behind me and I could feel him moving closer until I could see his shadow overwhelm mine on the ground. I realized why everyone was acting so strangely. It was because of Anders. Something was happening.

I could almost smell his scent, warm and musky, with that tang of citrus and ginger mixed together. I closed my eyes as he said, "I'm sorry. I was angry and I said things I didn't mean. I didn't think about your feelings and I'm sorry."

I tried to block out the pain, closing my eyes in the hopes that closing my heart would be just as easy. Defeated as I shook my head, I whispered out without looking at him, "It is fine. It doesn't matter."

"Don't say that," he said, "It does matter and you know it. You haven't spent the last three days locking yourself up in the estate because it doesn't matter. Be angry, be upset, just don't shut me out. I really rather you hit me." His voice sounded tense, edgy and a slight colour of desperation covered his tone though it hadn't dawned on me why.

Then he blurted out, "Marry me."

I felt my jaw drop as I turned around, staring at him in shock. And there he was, magnificent and handsome. His blonde hair was immaculate and tied back, the shorter bangs falling silken gold over his forehead. Eyes the colour of amber and honey stared into my own with love, guilt and desperation in equal parts. My eyes fell upon his robes, they were new and like his old set but this time, they were navy blue with shiny black feathers at the shoulders, a short coat falling to his ribs before the rest flowed down his lithe musculature. I would have looked lower down but in his hands was a tiny open wooden box and within, lay two simple bands twisted into a ring, gold and bronze, each adorned with a row of coloured crystals.

When I found my voice, I stared into his eyes with bewilder and asked him dumbly, "What?"

He fell upon one knee and my breath caught, hitched and held. He stared up at me from the ground and told me, "Marry me, let me look after you for as long as I can. Let me share a life with you," and he echoed my words, "a simple life with friends and family, where we can go wherever we want and be whatever we want to be."

My mind hadn't caught up to his words but inside me, hope began to pierce through the walls of misery that I had erected around my heart. The air gushed out of my lungs but I didn't respond and he repeated, "Marry me, Hales," a glint of mischief lighted his eyes and he smiled, "I'll stay here kneeling on the ground until you say yes, love."

There was no nervousness in his smile. It wasn't arrogance, it was confidence. He really would kneel there until I agreed. My voice came out shocked, "Are you crazy? Don't you have any shame?"

It was like Anders lit up from within, his eyes sparkled and his smile became wider, "Shame? I don't care. Let people gather around me, point at me or laugh. There's nothing embarrassing about my feelings for you. There's no shame in letting all of Thedas know that there's nothing I would feel embarrassed doing in order to gain the affections of the woman I love. If people laugh, I pity them. They just don't know what it's like."

It wasn't a battle I could win. His wasn't the face I could say no to. Then I became aware that a whole group of people had surrounded us aside from my friends, all there to watch whether or not I'd say yes. My voice became breathless from his romantic words, his sweet and loving tone but I teased him to keep him nervous, "This is duress."

His answer was simple, "I am a selfish man and I'd happily admit it. I don't deserve you and I'd be the first to say it but that's why I have to marry you. You're the only one I will ever love, you're the only one I will ever marry. If duress means that it'll make you say yes, I'm all for it. Marry me, sweetheart."

I couldn't help the laughter that bloomed from within me and I whispered, "Yes Anders, I will marry you." It was so sudden but every miserable fibre of my being had converted to joy and love.

His breath of relief made me giggle. He had been nervous, after all. The ring was slipped onto my finger with reverent hands, gentle as his fingers curled beneath mine so he could kiss the back of my hand. Then he rose to his feet, cradled my face lightly and smoothly before he lowered his mouth to mine, kissing me deeply, softly like I was a cherished flower, fragile but cared for.

When I tilted my head back to break the kiss, he murmured to me, "I'll never let you go now. I'll never let you change your mind."

My arms wound around his neck, fingers catching into his loose ponytail as I whispered back, "I know."

"Good," was his one-word answer before he swept me up into his arms, carrying me back to the estate in a romantic show that made everyone tease and laugh.

I nuzzled his neck, telling him about the celebrations, "You know, Varric says that we're supposed to make an appearance so the nobles can fawn all over us."

He caught my lower lip between his teeth and mock growled, "The only fawning over you that will occur today will be done by me."

I was laughing when he threw me onto the bed without ceremony, his fingers undoing the chain that kept his coat up. When it fell away, I kneeled on the bed watching him with curiosity, "Aren't you going to come to me?"

He laughed, "I'm not even going to respond to that. Too easy." I rolled my eyes and made an impatient gesture.

He leaned against the wall, watching me with shrewd eyes and I just _knew_ there was a plan – an evil one – being concocted. "So," he asked with a casual tone, "you'd be willing to bind yourself to me, right?"

I smiled and flashed my ring, "I'm wearing it, aren't I?"

He turned to my wardrobe, opening the doors to reach for a silk sash. He let it slide sensually between his fingers, twisting the soothing fabric around his index as he asked with husky breath, "Would you be willing to let me bind you?"

It was plain as day what Anders intended and after I swallowed, I murmured, "You want to tie me up? Just like in your diary?"

Anders nodded once, watching me with the eyes of a predator. Yet, I didn't feel scared. I didn't even feel nervous, not really. He was my lover, my partner, my joy, my love, my desire, my shelter and the one I trusted with my soul.

I slid from the bed and his eyes followed my every move carefully. My fingers went towards the laces and ties of my robes and his eyes sparkled with mischief and relief. As the material hung loose around my body, patches of flesh beginning to show, I realized how strange the situation was. The expression on my face must have been blank for his fingers caressed my cheeks and he purred, "I used to tug myself raw over the image of having you at my mercy."

I giggled, nerves making me skittish, "Sounds like you want a go at ordering me around."

He shot me a look that was undeniably hot, his pupils so dilated only a tiny honeyed rim remained. His smile did nothing to settle the shot of lightening that coursed up my spine and I shivered. His voice was low, a dark baritone that promised sinful acts, "I've spent myself over my stomach, more times than I can count, only to harden five minutes later to the image of you spread open beneath me, begging me to keep going – begging me to stop – as I squeezed every possible orgasm I could out of your body."

I could hear it in his voice - He wanted to have me.

I _wanted_ him to have me.

I pressed my body against his and he looped the silk ties around my waist to pull me in even closer. I whispered the words in his ear, "You want me to belong to you and _only_ you," I felt him nod as his cheeks brushed mine and then revealed, "_I want to belong to you_."

I took the silk sash from behind me and looped it around my neck, shimmying the robes down to the floor in a heap of periwinkle blue. He warned me, "I won't take anything less than complete surrender. I still remember seeing you wake up with Fenris," he partially spat out, "or shooting that seductive virgin's smile at Sebastian, touching his arm when he was nice to me as a kid." His lips were an inch away and he told me simply, "My hands will touch you until you can't remember any man's name but mine. My mouth will brand you until there is nothing left of you that doesn't belong to me."

It was utterly possessive but I needed it as surely as my next breath. It didn't scare me that his jealousies ran deep. All I wanted to do was fall into his arms and sooth them away or keep them forever – I wasn't even sure which. I nodded, trying to lean closer for a kiss but his index finger found the bottom of my chin and with the one finger, lifted my head so that our eyes locked. "Point of no return, love," he said.

I did something that was probably more suited to Isabela than myself but I winked at him with a saucy smirk, crooning seductively, "Come and _own_ me, Anders."

He growled, stalked me to the bed and tugged the sash from my neck, then shook his head almost in laughter, "You always surprise me." He nodded at the rest of my undergarments significantly and I knew what he wanted. I slid my underclothes down and threw them on the floor. He watched, his eyes roaming in animal satisfaction. "Kneel on the bed."

I did so, my knees pressing into the cool silk sheets and firm mattress. His fingers stroked from neck to breasts, shoulder blades to bottom before with a stifled moan, he stopped and caresses me with his voice instead, "Hands behind your back."

I expected him to be rough, quick but he was gentle and slow. I felt off-balance, the world dipped beneath my feet. Yes, I felt off-balance. Isabela had often described bondage as hard, rough, drawn out certainly but so gentle? I wasn't sure what I was expecting anymore.

The silk was carefully arranged around my wrists, the sash making an eternity ring between my two hands before a knot was tied. I wriggled around a little, trying to work out how much give I had. I didn't have any. It wasn't uncomfortable but I was certainly tied up. Anders tapped my bottom with two fingers, "Uh uh… no moving around."

Still, I felt relaxed but I was beginning to truly feel aroused. There was a tingle at being so exposed, so vulnerable and a shiver raced down my spine. He stood at the foot of the bed, lust clearly in his eyes as he stared and I blushed whilst shuddering. His tone was smug, "Oh she likes it, does she?" he said as he stripped off his clothes, toeing off his boots and peeling off those robes in haphazard fashion.

A little defiant, my thighs shift together, rubbing to give myself pleasure. His warning was sharp, "Do that again and I'll tie your legs to the bedposts," his hands pushed my thighs apart before he continued, "Now… for the rules."

"Rules?" I exclaimed.

"Yes," he muttered, his tone dark with sinful acts, "firstly, you do everything I say. Everything. Anything."

Nerves began to hit me, as he whispered, "Anything I say, you do." It was smooth but dangerous, like a glint of steel in the moonlight.

"Uh huh," I said a little breathlessly.

"And the second rule," his voice became sharp and full of authority, "you come when I tell you to."

My eyes widened and I simply nodded. I watched him warily. Then his eyes abruptly softened and he leaned in for a kiss as he reminded me, "I won't hurt you, trust me. I want to see you crazed from the pleasure I give you."

Just to tease him, I quipped affectionately, "Just because you used to be an abomination and now a dangerous apostate that shake the boots off Templars doesn't mean you scare me."

His eyes hardened with just a hint of playful cruelty, "You should be scared, little girl." Then he hissed between teeth, "You're helpless, completely at my mercy."

I enjoyed making him riled and taunted, "You're just as helpless as me… here's your _weakness_ right here on display… I might be tied up but you couldn't walk away from me, you want to touch and taste." I laughed, "To _worship_." I really liked this game. His expression was twisting into a challenging smile and somehow, I got the feeling that whatever happened next would be highly enjoyable though unconventional for lovers who had just become engaged.

Anders pinched my nipples in warning, making me gasp, "_Behave_." I quickly forgot my retort as his hand slid down my sides, up my arms and then down my breasts towards my stomach, his finger dipped into my navel and I closed my eyes as it skimmed the top of my dark curls. His hands slid around my thighs as hot breath caressed my breasts, lips descending to suckle upon my nipple. He nibbled the flesh, not enough to hurt but I moaned, crying out for more.

Anders moved away entirely, appraising me with his eyes before climbing onto the bed before me. He ordered, "Keep your eyes open," and our eyes lock, his honeyed depths darker than its usual amber. Then I felt his finger searching in my folds and naturally, I tilted my head back and closed my eyes. He ripped his finger away and pulled my head down, our eyes locked together once more.

He hissed, "Keep your eyes open," when I nodded he grinned, "Let's try that again."

His finger searched again and I shuddered but as my eyes threatened to flutter shut, I opened them again. "Good girl," he whispered, his finger entering me with a swift stroke that made me cry out. I tighten around him, shifting my hips to ride his finger but his other hand stops me, gripping my hip tightly to prevent movement.

Then he tortured. One finger. He pushed so slowly, I could feel each blessed millimetre moving within. Push… pull… the loop was endless but the agony remained. My thighs ached from how tightly I had held them. "Maker, you're soaking. I've always wanted this," he told me, "I've always wanted to see you make a mess, dripping for me," his finger thrust in and out quickly to emphasize his next words, "Just. Like. This."

His voice, his hands, it was all too much. I begged, "Touch my-" my voice broke off, not quite wanting to voice exactly what I wanted. He shook his head, "No. I don't think I even have to. I bet I could make you come with just a few more strokes." His fingers sped up, beginning to curl. My entire body stiffened up and almost at the brink, he whispered, "Come for me," and I did, shaking and squeezing my channel tightly around his finger. Colours and stars danced behind my eyelids and I cried out as sweat beaded, a sheen covering my breasts.

When I regained awareness, all he did was smile, self-satisfied as a purring cat with a bowl of cream. His husky whispers continued, each word imprinting in my mind as my body eagerly writhed about for more of his ministrations, "Maybe it's because of your image – The Champion of Kirkwall, apostate mage, femme fatale Hawke," he whispered with an echoing dose of uncivilized male tones.

I laughed despite the pleasure that ran through my body, "Femme fatale? Don't be crazy, I'm hardly Isabela."

His eyes softened from its sexual cruelty for a moment as he murmured into my neck, "Don't oppose the man who loves you." His every touch was a taunt, a torturous and strategic move designed to break me yet his words belied the intimacy, the love that was there. I was no more a prisoner than he was my captor. Then Anders' voice hardened a little, "All that leadership and ordering us around drives me up the wall. I just want to pin you down somewhere and ravish you. I want to hear you cry out for me, beg me for more just to make you see that you belong to me."

I mocked him with slight indifference, faked bravado, "It'll make more than a little fingering to make me beg, Anders. Your bruised ego will just have to wait."

Anders' laughter was almost nasty, baited by my words. He scorned me whilst fingers stroked and pinched the hidden bundle of nerves, his other hand rolling my nipples between index and thumb, "Rebellious little Hawke. You might be Kirkwall's beloved Champion, the epic dragon slayer, the Qunari killer but once the bedroom door closes," he gave a sharp twist of his wrist and it nearly pushed me past the brink of the abyss again. Then a heard the special sizzle of mana in the air and I hissed out between my teeth, recognizing his special brand of sex magic. He laughed, "Feel that? I can do whatever I want and you'll only feel the need build and build and build and you won't get to come until I say so." I blushed and wailed out, wanting anything that would stop the simmering down of my almost completion. He finished, "You're my little Hales and you. Belong. To. Me."

I thrashed at his words, my hips gyrating about. I moaned and screamed, threw my head back and shook my hair out from side to side. He pulled me across his lap, grinding his hips against mine, his hard column of flesh parallel to my folds. I blushed, feeling wanton and embarrassed. He hummed, "You've turned me into a mess, love." His lips trailed to my ears so his teeth to enclose around the shell in delicate fashion, "One minute I want you panting beneath me, the next, you're blushing and all I want to do is to love you so gently, hold you like a fragile doll… This is your fault."

The power play was arousing beyond belief and frustrated, I growled loudly at Anders. I also wanted to just surrender to him; Maker, he could take the lead anytime he wanted to. Anything that he wanted, I would give. Anything for more of that sweet agony that coursed through me. I moaned, "Just…a little more…" Desperation lined my voice.

Anders watched me with hooded eyes as he violently pushed two fingers into me, curling against that sweet spot that made me jump. "Tell me who you belong to, Hales and I'll give you what you so crave."

I would have happily told him anything he wanted and in a gush of breath, I cried out, "I'm yours. I belong to you." He held up his glistening hand, licking each finger slowly as though each drop was molten honey, a decadent treat. I whimpered with delight, "Possessive."

With a smirk, he pushed me backwards into the pillows, placed his lips between my thighs and muttered, "Very."

It was the relief I had been looking for but the agony that I knew he would torture with me. Endless agony. Pure pleasure. I rocked against his mouth but he didn't stop me. I keened and whined. Electricity poured from the tip of his tongue as he thrust it into me. When I screamed, he pulled away and ordered me, "Hold it in."

I pleaded, "Please Anders, I- I can't."

He continued lashing his tongue against my folds, fingers sinking in and out at almost a furious pace. Instead of giving me relief, he gave me magic, artificially holding my relief at bay. He pressed a kiss against me before rising from my legs and moving away. I was pulled upright, back upon my knees before he climbed out of bed. Stricken, I called out, "Where are you going?"

He cradled my cheeks as he stood by the edge, his erection inches away. I licked my lips and leaned forward, trying to take him into my mouth but seeing me act that way, he inched away and told me instead, "_Tell me what you want_."

I blushed again. Behind the 'trust-me' face was mischief, playfulness and most of all, Anders was _dirty_. He revelled in doing all those deviant things that made me flush with want and embarrassment but I adored it. I murmured quietly, "I want to lick you."

He taunted, "I can't hear you." Of course he could, I thought to myself.

I inched forward, licking my lips in anticipation, saying slightly louder with a little awkwardness, "I want to lick you."

His hands cradled under my chin, my head tilted up so that our eyes locked. Though he taunted me again, "What is it you _really _want, Hales?", his eyes gave way to love and reassurance. There was no shame between us.

My shyness fell away and I said easily, "I want to wrap my mouth around you and suck you off."

_Anders_

She might not have known it but I was goner, hearing those words fall from her pretty lips. She had always been shy but now and again, I was capable of pushing her past that point of reason until all she cared about was pleasure and relief. It was gratifying when all her inhibitions fell away and her words burned me faster than any fire could ever have.

Maker, she was beautiful. Better than I ever imagined in my fantasies. Open, wanton, dripping, eager… the image was branded in my mind.

My hips leaned forward, fingers threaded into her hair and her mouth, oh sweet Maker, wrapped around me in an instant. Her tongue wound all over my hardened flesh and she rocked forwards to take more of me into her mouth. It was all I could do not to thrust –

But I did, I plunged in and out, her lips sliding, her saliva glistening, teeth almost grazing, her supple tongue catching along the underside. I tried to be gentle but her humming and those suckling sounds that pop made it hard to be as gentle as I would have liked. Then she peered up at me, innocent brown eyes staring up at me whilst she was on her knees, her mouth wrapped around me completely as she struggled to take me down. Too much. I took a few more satisfying pumps of my hips before retreating completely.

I grabbed her, crushed our mouths together, my tongue pushing past her lips to taste myself on her tongue. I couldn't take anymore. I pulled at the sash, undoing them quickly so her arms could wind around my neck. I pulled her into my lap but refused to penetrate her.

Mine.

She was mine.

She would be _completely_ mine.

I ordered her, trying to keep in character despite my need making my voice break, "_Beg._"

Her surrender was ultimate and simple, "Fuck me, Anders. Please."

There was nothing I wanted to do more.

I pounded myself into her and she writhed, rode me, slamming her hips up and down like a cat in heat. Yes, this was what I wanted - Hales so crazy for me that her next breath was only to take pleasure from my body. She gasped, moaned, cried out and almost screamed and I was much the same, groaning from the feel of being within her. I could feel her fluttering inside, her walls clenching and unclenching in the staccato rhythms and I knew she was teetering. I murmured to her, "Come for me. Show me how much you love having me inside you."

Her eyes are clear for an instant as they lock with mine, "I love you, Anders" before she succumbed to the inevitable freefall, coming for me, screaming for me, releasing for me. Her body shuddered_ for me_. Her face pinched together, grimacing in pleasure as it ripped through her.

For me.

The knowledge was so overwhelming that I fell as well, succumbing, surrendering as the waves crashed over my body. It was like being struck by lightening, the release was so strong, my entire body doubled over almost in pain. My hips moved of their own accord, driving home a few more times before the peak shivered out of me.

I held her to me and for a while, the both of us drifted. The fear within me dissipated. She was mine. Only mine. I hated the thought of her being able to leave me any time she wanted. She was strong. She didn't need me. I needed to be a part of her and now, I was. My mind was quiet. We were together and nothing would ever separate us. Nothing. I buried my face into her hair and breathed in her scent mixed with sex and sweat. This was home.

I slowly pulled out from her depths, cautious and ready to heal her if necessary but she murmured, "Don't. Stay."

Her smile was languorous, almost sleepy as she blushed, almost a virgin rather than the seductive siren she had been only moments before. Being with her was such a surprise. One moment, I wanted to pin her, the next, I just wanted to cradle her. She shot me a speculative look, "You know I love you, right? And that I'd never leave."

I nodded, "I know that."

"Do you?" she questioned, "I mean, I know I always end up leading the party and all but you need to know that I belong to you just as you belong to me. We're together."

I brushed the curls from her face and whispered, "I know. It was just my fantasy mixed up with insecurities."

Hales laid a kiss upon my mouth, sensual in its wake, "Well," she murmured, "Feel free to play them all out although, just warning you, I want to tie you up and see how long it takes to drive you insane."

The want came strong, I wanted her again. This time, I would love her slowly as she so deserved to be cherished instead of being taken by a madman. I shook my head, almost laughing as I realized how I truly didn't deserve her. Leisurely, I moved within her as I hardened quickly. She asked, "Didn't you…"

I nodded, "I did."

"But you're still –"

I kissed her sweetly, "Not still, my love. Again."

I begged her, "Just once more, my love. Please."

_Hales_

I said it once and I would say it again; his was not the face I could ever say no to.

I held him in my arms, sliding my legs along his to whisper back, "Not once more… just forever," reminding him of the first time we made love.

His response was a melting sigh, and then warming laughter as his lips found mine as he murmured against me, "I love you. I love you, Hales."

Anders made love to me again, treasuring me like a fragile doll. I surrendered to him just as he did to me. I gave myself to his ecstasy, his love and his endless words of affection.

And who could have known, that in that very moment, a spark of life had seeded in my womb?

* * *

><p>AN: Okay, it was a little unconventional and a bit different. I've never written anything remotely kinky before so let me know how I did. On the other hand, what parts did you like and dislike? Did your heart break over him proposing? Let me know what you think, please read and review.

We've only got one more chapter left!

Love, Ann

PS - MRL: I'm sorry you feel that way but I haven't forgotten about the Grey Warden infertility. However, thank you for the review - I really appreciate everything (and I do mean everything) you had to say.


	20. Epilogue  The Truths That Shape Futures

**Chapter 20 – Epilogue: The Truths That Shape Futures**

Six months later

_Hales_

It had been a wonderful six months, if a little eventful. There was the wedding, a small and private ceremony at the back of the Chantry gardens where all our friends and family were present. I had worn a simple white dress, hair adorned with flowers whilst Anders had worn a simple set of navy robes lined with silver trim. It was simple but perfect. No frills. There were titters, a few tears but most of all, it was a celebration of love and I couldn't remember a time when I was happier than when I was with Anders. His kisses were many, each filled with a different emotion – happiness, joy, lust, hope…

Then came our honeymoon and we went everywhere. I had shown Anders my roots and my hometown, Lothering, so that I could take a trip down memory lane. Anders had given me the same, showing me his past by the docks of Lake Calenhad. For safety, we didn't actually go into the Circle Tower. Redcliffe was a homely little town where we sipped on Ferelden wines. We strolled into the beautiful meadows of Highever, wandered into the Brecilian Forests and travelled back towards the coasts to visit Amaranthine. It was in Denerim that we found out about my pregnancy. During that time, Anders was introducing me to the Warden Commander and Queen, Elissa, and her husband, King Alistair. It had been a few mornings that I had woken up feeling nauseous but that morning had been the first in which I had _actually_ vomited. To my embarrassment, it had been during breakfast with Elissa and Alistair. I covered my mouth and scampered away towards the nearest bathroom. Worried for my sake, all of them had followed me.

When I freshened up, wiping my face with a damp towel, Anders had placed his hands upon my shoulders, thinking to heal away any disease that could have ailed me but to his shock, he found only a spark of life within my womb. He had cried out, "This isn't possible! I'm not fertile. I'm a Warden!"

Alistair mentioned, "I've never heard of a Grey Warden actually having children. I'm sure there are records of a few but it is hardly common." For a while there, I'm sure Anders had entertained the thought that perhaps he was not the only man that I had slept with but if the thought ever seeded in his mind, he never spoke of it. Elissa had sagely replied, "We haven't heard of a Grey Warden sharing his body with a spirit, drinking a potion that turned him into a child that also separated him from the spirit either, it still happened."

After a bit of discussion about what the implications were for the child, Elissa had put her foot down and exclaimed, "This is all pointless conjecture. For all we know, the child could be perfectly healthy."

Anders and I had shared a concerned look before she reminded us, "He drank a potion that turned him into a child. It got rid of Justice. What if it got rid of the taint, too?"

That was why, much to Anders' displeasure, we ended up in Orzammar or more specifically, in the Deep Roads. With a small band of dwarves near the entrances to the Deep Roads, we crept forward, attempting to find stray darkspawn in the area. The dwarves were relying upon Anders to keep them notified of when he heard the call of the darkspawn.

It never came.

When darkspawn did attack, it was to our surprise and the dwarves' consternation. And we realized, Anders was no longer a Grey Warden.

There was no Calling to worry about, no thirty year limit.

There would be no nightmares, not about Justice, mages, Templars or even darkspawn.

And finally, there would be a family that could grow from me and Anders, our very own children, as many as we wanted.

We finally had that simple life we so craved, where there was time to enjoy life and love, where we could do whatever we wanted and be whatever we wanted to be. We discussed often why it was that the taint Anders had contracted had disappeared, we went through multiple theories but when the truth finally settled into Anders, he was beyond overjoyed. He had whooped, laughed, carried me to bed and there, made love to me so that he could, as he put it, '_ensure that I was pregnant'_.

Men, what more could I say?

Around five months into my pregnancy, my stomach was truly beginning to round out and so, realizing that it was time to go home, we left for Kirkwall. It was a changed city. Cullen had become Knight-Commander and was a very good one at that. He was fair, strict but also very gentle. He didn't see demons where there weren't any. Even Anders had to agree that Cullen was doing well. Of course, it helped that Bethany was there to temper any Templar aggression that could ever seed into Cullen's mind. There would always be irritating nobles and Darktown would always need to be improved but it was home – it was where family was.

Anders and I strode into the Hanged Man the first night back from our honeymoon. He made it a point to keep a protective arm around me, carefully parting the small crowd of people that were always present in the tavern in order to protect the precious bundle that was growing within me.

I was greeted with open-mouthed surprise from all. Isabela cried out, "You're _huge_! What happened to you?" Fenris watched me through narrowed eyes.

Aveline rolled her eyes, "She's pregnant, you whore."

Varric hushed them all, "Oh stop, there's a story behind this. Blondie is a Grey Warden! There's got to be something else involved."

Anders and I shared an amused look as he assisted me into a chair. Varric questioned, "There's another man involved, isn't there?"

Anders shook his head.

"You've found a way to steal another woman's baby and stick it into Hawke?"

Anders laughed and shook his head.

Varric tapped his chin as the others carefully listened to every word and I sat back, too amused for words. Varric tried, "Okay… It's Justice in Hawke's womb."

Anders grimaced before shouting, "No!"

Sebastian poured Anders a mug of ale and said with rich laughter in his voice, "Hawke, I think this is where you come in and explain the situation."

I gestured to Anders' drink and asked, "Don't I get one?"

Anders tutted me, "No. You are pregnant. No alcohol."

I rolled my eyes until Merrill twittered, "You're pregnant. Is it Anders'?"

I nodded, "Yes, the child is mine and Anders is indeed the father."

Everyone was so quiet, if the rest of the tavern wasn't so loud, I would have heard a pin drop. It was simple, shocked silence. Fenris told me in simple terms, "Hawke. The mage is a Grey Warden. We've heard the story enough times to say it backwards."

I leaned in Anders' warmth, smiling eagerly when I dropped the news, "Anders isn't a Grey Warden anymore. We went to Orzammar. He can't hear the darkspawn call anymore." I laughed as I admitted, "Anders, well, he's very fertile and I am pregnant!" A soft blush graced my features.

As my love kissed the top of my head and I snuggled into him further, I continued to explain, "It's just a theory and I don't know whether it is true but the potion that Anders took was a potion that reverted him to a child and at that point in time, there was no Justice and no taint in his blood. The potion we've given him to turn him back into an adult gave him all of his memories but physically, it just aged him. It's not exactly the same body, if that even makes sense."

Anders took over from there, "We can't be entirely sure if that is right but it makes sense. I used to have a few scars on my legs that disappeared after I drank the second potion. I never thought twice about it, thinking that the potion healed wounds but by the time Hales and I sat down to discuss it, it seemed to make sense. Not to mention-" he broke off and shot me an embarrassed look, "This is completely personal but the first time we…" he cleared his throat and made a hand gesture, "Afterwards, I was thoroughly knackered."

Though he had mentioned how tired he was that night, he never mentioned the connection between the taint and sex. I had sat up straight, looking at him in shock. I hadn't expected his confession, had never thought about it at all and would never have dreamed that he felt the need to confess in front of everyone.

Isabela had a look of horror on her face, "So… you can't get it up for round two?"

Anders, surprisingly, had only laughter issue from his mouth and I cried out, "Alright! We are _officially_ moving on from this topic. All I am going to say is that Anders is _very gifted_ in that department and I am _pregnant_. I think that speaks for itself. Moving right along!"

Everyone tittered at my red face and Anders murmured in my ear, "You don't need to defend me. I don't care one way or another."

"I care," I answered vehemently and he kissed me chastely, a simple peck.

Sebastian raised his mug, standing up to toast, "Congratulations Anders and Hawke, may their family and union be blessed by the Maker." He turned to me and said with gentleness, "If anyone deserves this happy fate, it is you. I wish you all the best."

I had pulled him down beside me and smiled, "You're talking like you won't take part in babysitting my child and being Uncle Sebastian."

Everyone laughed with good-natured humour and warmth lilting the air and Sebastian had drunk deeply, announcing to the world, "I'll drink to that."

Then began the stomach petting, in which a woman's bulging stomach became public property because she was pregnant. Merrill was the first to come around and she placed her ear on my tummy. Everyone else lined up to introduce themselves to my unborn child. I wasn't sure whether to be exasperated or amused.

All the way through the process though, was Anders. He sat beside me, an arm wrapped tightly around me as our eyes locked together. I realized in that moment that I had come full circle and as a result, I was no longer waiting for dangerous quests or to right wrongs. I was waiting for my own future. I had found Anders as a child, cared for him until he became a man and then he given me the ultimate gift – the future with the family and child I had so craved.

Our lips met; each drawing gentle kisses from the other. It tasted of love, endless love and an eternity of happiness.

* * *

><p>AN: It's a short chapter but I really wanted this epilogue to be short and sweet. Any other details I want to leave to the individual reader. I know that there might be some unhappiness regarden the Grey Warden infertility matter but personally, I felt that Anders, as a character, really needed that change. From the beginning of this story, I had planned for this change - for him to have the family that he so desperately deserved- and I apologize to anyone who found this disappointing.

**Melgonzo (Melissa)** - Thank you, thank you, thank you - for every word of encouragement you have given me, whether for my fanfictions that I have written in the past or now or even for the original novel that I am currently working on. Thank you for believing in me and my work. Your words have meant more than I can truly express. I also hope that you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it and hope that you find it worthy of being dedicated to you. I also most fervently hope that we will share more stories together, more laughter and joy over writing fanfiction (whether yours or mine) and more encouragement and friendship. I hope that our friendship will grow and stay true until one day, I will be able to share my original work with you and by then, we will similarly laugh and express joy over original works as we once did in shared joys of fanfiction. I look forward to that opportunity.

**Anesor** - You've been a constant reviewer and have given me much encouragement as well as good lessons in my growth as a writer. I cannot thank you enough for sticking with me, helping me and continually reading my works. Thank you so much.

**To my other readers -** I hope you have enjoyed reading this story. I hope to write more in the future and have your continued support. Thank you.

As always, you have my love.  
>Ann<p> 


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